Please tell me I'm not the worst mother in the entire world

[VeganC]

I'm obviously not the greatest mom, but I'm not the worst. Right?
Background:
I have a 10 month old and a 28 month old. I love them both with every single particle of my being, but parenting two children so close together has been harder than I could have ever imagined. I'm basically a single mom. Their father hasn't seen our daughter in over a year and has never met our son. We live with my parents, who both work full time. They help when they can. In the late evenings and weekends. Which is awesome of them and I completely appreciate everything they've done for us. But the days are so long, the weeks are so long, and the weekends are so short. It feels like it's never going to end. I feel like I'm running in circles all day long, fixing one problem after another, comforting one kid after another, feeding one kid after another, changing one diaper after another, stopping one accident from occurring after another. When I finally get back around to myself, I have nothing left. No energy, no patience to take care of myself.
I try my best to be patient. But my patience can only be stretched so far. We had a rough time this morning. We all got up earlier than usual, everybody was grumpy. My daughter was screaming at me and throwing fits at every little thing. My son was getting into things and I had to constantly redirect him. I tried getting everybody down for an early nap, starting after lunch at 1. Not happening. Nobody will settle down, they want to run around. OK, fine. Early nap not going to happen. I gave up for awhile, then my daughter started getting really cranky and I knew she needed a nap. So I tried. And tried. And tried to get her to take a nap. Rocking, reading books, lying down next to her and singing to her. Not working. My son meanwhile was getting into things, and if he gets into her things she goes over and rips it away from and and screams, "NO, MINEEEEEE!" and often hits, scratches, or pinches him. Then I need to comfort him and tell her to not hit, to not scratch, to not bite, to just leave him alone. Oh, and then my daughter needed a diaper change, which is another HUGEEEEEEEEEEE struggle. Kicking, screaming, crying. I try everything I can think of to get her to let me change her diaper. I ask her to help me, get the wipes for me, open up the diaper for me. I offer to sing to her or recite one of her favorite stories. I tell her after we change her diaper we can go draw a picture. Nothing works. She has crap in her pants, and I can't just let it sit there. So eventually I have to just hold her down and change her, while she's screaming and crying. I hate doing it, but I don't know what else to do. And she does this every time she has a poop. Usually wet diapers aren't such a big deal. But she hates having her poopy diapers changed. OK, finally got her diaper changed. I give her a hug and we draw a picture and read some books, then try to do the nap thing again. All the mean while I'm nursing my son and trying to keep him occupied and happy. My daughter kept wiggling away from me, every time I tried to rock her or lie down with her. At one point, after rocking to her and singing to her, she wiggled out of my lap and yelled at me that she wanted to go out of the room. So I said very grouchily, "FINE, GO!" And nudged her out of the room. She kept wanting to go in the kitchen. But she's still cranky as hell. My son was being clingy, she was being cranky, I'm sick and tired of trying to get kids to sleep, but I desperately need some time to myself. Desperately. I keep trying to coax her into the room with me and try to relax. She runs off crying, I set my son down to try and go get her, he starts crying hysterically. My daughter knocked over the dirty diapers and at that point I have just had it. I yelled at her, "GET INTO BED AND TAKE A FUCKING NAP!!!!!!!!!!!!". Of course this only upsets everyone further. I had to get away at that point to calm down. I walked into the other room, my son comes screaming and crying, crawling after me. I scoop him up and go back to the other room to nurse him, and left my daughter crying in the bedroom. I had to sit down and take several deep breaths for just a few minutes, then I went back in the room and lied down next to her, and she snuggled up to me and I apologized for yelling and told her I loved her so, so much and sang to her. Then she finally fell asleep, and my son fell asleep nursing on the other side.
I hate myself when I yell. I do not want to be that way. I know it hurts both of them and scares the crap out of them, and I hate myself for it. But I just lose my patience, my blood boils, and I have no one to pass them off to. I need to be more patient. How can I be more patient? More calm? I desperately want to stop yelling so much.

[pianojazzgirl]

HUGS!

You are NOT the worst mother in the world! You are a great mama! Reading your story I am amazed at how long you held it together for. Really. I think I would have snapped before then. Your situation sounds very exhausting and taxing. I have a son your dd's age (about 2 wks older) and I can't imagine having a 10 month old as well. Seriously I want to give you mad props for just surviving on a day to day level.

Now, what I do know is that your oldest (who is the same age as my youngest - meaning I have lived through this twice) is still so very young. It won't be long before she is no longer a toddler, and will have left a lot of hard-to-deal with behaviours (and diapers!) behind. And your youngest will be walking soon, and becoming more independent. Things will get easier. I promise.

The thing that immediately popped into my mind while reading your post was - get outside! Pop them in a double stroller, or throw one up on your back and go for a walk. If it's naptime, but naps are being fought, then I bet that would get them both off to sleep. Not sure the logistics of where you live, but if you could get them both to sleep in the stroller, perhaps then you could come home and they would stay asleep. Or you could keep walking around, window shopping, maybe stopping for a coffee somewhere. At the very least I find changing the setting can often snap me and/or my kids out of a negative spiral, iykwim.

My diapertime suggestion (if you haven't tried this before) is switch on the TV. Pop in a kid's DVD or just let her watch commercials. Whatever. The diaper change will just take a few minutes but TV - that opiate of the masses - can just zone them out and let you get it done with no fuss. I am not a plug-your-kids-into-the-TV advocate whatsoever, but a few minutes to buy an easy diaper change is worth it to me. (Forgive my suggestion if you are TV-free, and if you are I commend you!).

My last suggestion - check out the single mamas board for support. Having others in your (or similar) situation to vent to, get tips from, etc can be so helpful.

Hoping that each day gets a little easier for you as the kids grow older!

[VeganC]

Thank you. That made me feel a lot better.
I have been trying to take them for a walk everyday, but today I just did not feel like going out. We live out in the country, so there's nothing within walking distance. I don't have a car of my own, and even if I did, I'm really, really paranoid about driving with my kids in the car. I haven't driven in probably 4 years. I know I need to work on that and start driving again so that I can get out with them.
Thanks again.

[berkeleyp]

Read your story and sending virtual hugs. Sounds like you're in a tough spot and I can understand why. It must be so exhausting. Do you ever get a chance to get together with friends, with or without kids. I find that I need adult conversation like I need water and if I don't have it for too long, I get very cranky.

My kids are farther apart in age but I've had days where its just one thing after the other and nothing goes right. And no you're not the worst mother in the world. I think most parents lose it at least occasionally and yell when they'd rather not. I know I do for sure - probably more often than I'd like to admit.

It sounds like you need some time to recharge. I think the walking idea is great. A double stroller or one on the back, one in a stroller would work.

Another thing is a longish car trip. My kids are usually pretty happy in the car so I'll put them in and drive around sometimes and listen to music or NPR. I usually invent some errand to justify it - but sometimes it ends up being a trip to Dunkin Donuts -20 mins round trip and I feel much better by the end.

Hang in there. You're doing a great job. Your kids are lucky to have such a patient and loving mother.

[pianojazzgirl]

I had another thought. If physically changing scenes (going for a walk or drive) isn't possible or desirable, then what about "changing scenes" within the house? You might be able to get the same mood-changing effect by doing bath time in the middle of the day, or putting down a couple of big tubs filled with beans and measuring cups/spoons on the floor (on a sheet to help with clean-up), or maybe doing finger painting with something edible (since I'm sure the 10 month old at least would be putting it in his mouth).

Do you have any friends who do drive who would be into coming over for visits during the day?

[VeganC]

Thanks for the ideas. They're all helpful!
I don't actually really have any friends anymore. I tried to start up a playgroup at the house with the local AP group, but I had no responses. I might try again. I just think most people don't want to drive out here.

[LynnS6]

No advice. I just wanted to say that I admire your strength and your dedication to your kids. I hope that you can find a way to get a break so that you're able to parent your kids the way you want.

[pianojazzgirl]

If you can work on your anxiety about driving I imagine it would really help for you to get out and about, to find activities and playgroups that you and the kiddos can attend. It is so hard to make new friends, especially when you have transportation difficulties and are stuck around your immediate neighbourhood (ie. not too close to anyone in your case). I do understand about the anxiety though, and empathize about how difficult it can be to get past. I have a lot of anxieties myself (including around driving, esp in winter), and I find they can be really limiting. One of these days I'm going to get some counseling (I keep telling myself...). Anyway, continued good wishes coming your way from me, mama....

[Violet2]

BTDT especially during DD's first year when she never slept and screamed a lot.

The great thing is you apologized. It's over. Your children are not ruined for life.

Basically, you yelling is a sign of how stressed you are. So what can you do to ease your stress? That is the approach I would take. When we feel better, we parent better.

I know it's hard to destress when you're in demand 24/7.

I hired the neighbor girls as mother's helpers 2x a week. 10-11 yos are cheap labor usually. $5 each for the week in my area. It is a godsend.

If you don't go to church, consider going just so you can sit and zone out for an hour while the kids are in the nursery.

If you go to LL meetings or have a mother's group, put out a call for a childcare swap and see if anyone is interested.

ETA: Yeah, momma. You need to drive. Think of it as the one thing you could do now that would immediately help.
V

[Smithie]

You are NOT a bad mom. You are an isolated mom. Time to work on getting back behind the wheel.

... and as part of that, you might want to consider PT work when your son turns a year old. I wouldn't leave kids that young to work FT if I didn't economically have to, but 12 hours/week in a nice home-based childcare while you spend some time among adults and earn some $$$? It might be good for all of you. I actually took a FT job when my kids were just slightly older than yours are now, because being isolated at home with them all day was stressing me out so badly. Turns out being away from them all day 5 days/week was ALSO stressful If I had that choice to make again, I would get a PT job.

[hopefulfaith]

You aren't a bad mom.

Your kids are only 17 months apart, and I totally get that: mine are barely 15 months apart, and I need to tell you that the year when they were 2 and 1 was my hardest yet. You are right in the thick of it, mama. That was the year I hid in the bathroom to cry for five minutes here and there because I couldn't deal with Everyone. Needing. Me. All. The. Time. I would go to rock my little one, and my older one (who was barely 1.5 years old) would need me....and so on and so forth. We had no babysitter, no family within an 8 hour drive, lived very rurally at the time (100 miles to the nearest LLL group, for instance), there were zero other parents with young kids in our town, and we were TV-free during those years, so it was all me, all the time, night and day, no break. I remember getting invited to a Pampered Chef party one time when ds and dd were about 2 and almost 1, and it was the first time I had been "away" from both kids for more than an hour since before I had children.

I don't have anything constructive to add to what everyone else has said -- get outside, find a sitter, etc. -- it's all good advice.

I just wanted to tell you that...I get you. It's such a hard, hard time and you have no outlets, the same way I didn't. I remember yelling at my ds when he pulled the diapers off the changing table because he wanted the green one. I had just spent an hour trying to fold them and get them settled before my dd woke up -- I think ds was probably 17 months old, and dd only 7-8 weeks old. I yelled at him to STOP PULLING THE DIAPERS DOWN! -- and then I cried for twenty minutes because I had just yelled at my toddler for being a toddler and he was in the corner crying because he was scared because I yelled. I apologized profusely and gave lots of hugs and he snuggled me while I nursed dd and everything was quiet....but I felt just horrible for yelling. It wasn't the first time that year. I remember yelling at my dd to TAKE A NAP! ((which was obviously not a helpful step)), but I remember being so tired that I couldn't even deal: I did all the nighttime parenting, too, so I was often up 7, 8, 9, 10 times a night to help/nurse one and often both of them at the same time, which left me exhausted for .. well, an exhausting day.

I just wanted to offer my support. I look back at myself during that time and I just want to hug that mom that I was -- I felt horrible for yelling, but some times it really did just happen. My kids got through it and so did I. And you know what? Having both of them so close has been kind of fun now (they're 4 and 3 now), most days. I don't yell a lot now.

It does get better, but it can be really hard before it does.

Be gentle with yourself, and don't beat yourself up over the occasional slip-up.

[mamatoni]

I just wanted to add a hug , you sound like you are doing sooooo well for staying calm as long as you did, and a BTDT! my two are also 18 months apart and that time period was rough. I did a lot of walking with the double stroller, packed it with some toys and put a book on the ipod and just walked...I also live out of town and can't really walk TO anything, but just going saved my sanity many times. I also bought a used pull-behind for my bike once DD could sit well-enough (about 18 months) that has opened up my options a lot, I can bike into town or over to a neighbors and they get lulled to sleep just like they would in a stroller or car seat.

It does get a lot better though as pianojazzgirl said, once DD was about 18 months she really was able to to play with her older brother and I found that I actually had a lot more "me-time" than other parents whose children were spaced farther apart. Their developmental stages get more similar as they age and they have become great playmates!

[LCBMAX]

You're a champ. I'm in awe.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by mamatoni

It does get a lot better though as pianojazzgirl said, once DD was about 18 months she really was able to to play with her older brother and I found that I actually had a lot more "me-time" than other parents whose children were spaced farther apart. Their developmental stages get more similar as they age and they have become great playmates!

OP, I've been thinking about you a lot over the past day or so, and I came back tonight to see how you were doing -- and I wanted to tell you that what mamatoni said above is true: my kids played *together*, beautifully and without fighting for three solid hours this afternoon. I got four loads of laundry folded and two chapters of a book read. I never would have believed it two years ago if you would have told me. I just wanted to reiterate: it does get easier. It won't always be like it is now.