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Originally Posted by GoestoShow  Yes.
During the c-section.
No way in hell am I ever going through surgery again for someone else. It ruined my life, and ruined any desire I had for the large family I had always planned. My son is it, though not enough.
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I'm so sorry mama. There's nothing worse in life than having choices taken away from you.
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Originally Posted by DariusMom
Our house is quiet and peaceful. We have ample financial resources. I don't have to pack diapers, snacks, juice for every outing. I sleep through the night. I'm no longer puked on regularly. We talk and have lots of fun together. DH and I go out alone together regularly and getting a babysitter for an older self-sufficient kid is pretty easy. DS has absolutely no interest in a little brother or sister and is never lonely. We can travel easily. We're happy with the status quo.
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This is what sounds so appealing to me. I always thought I was a baby person, but the boy I take care of is 6 and he is so much fun! I love that there's no diapers, no crying, he can walk, I can leave him for ten minutes to run to the bathroom and not worry about him killing himself, etc. I also view things like regularly traveling and being debt-free incredibly important. I'm a vegetarian who buys almost all local and organic, and I don't want to have to ever sacrifice health and eco-responsibility for cheapness. I want to help my kids with college, buy them a car when they turn 16, send them to private performing arts high schools, etc. I know that moms of many would say that money doesn't buy happiness, and I agree, but I had a phenomenal childhood because of our spacing.
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Originally Posted by marimara I knew from the moment I even thought about having kids, I was only going to have one (barring multiples of course). I thought about overpopulation and all the suffering humans worldwide and what it means to bring yet another human onto the planet. I thought about what I could handle, given my introvertedness, need for space, time to think and read, and how having children would impact that.
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Thanks for touching on overpopulation. It's something I haven't thought much about, and am sadly uninformed about. I'm also a huge introvert and require alone time to function, something I've found non-introverts don't understand.
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Originally Posted by velochic I have siblings, but we are not close. They are horrible people and I only WISH I were an only child. I don't see any reason to have siblings, necessarily, as it's not always a positive thing. Dd doesn't want a sibling, we don't want more kids. Dd and I have an amazing dynamic, that personally, I would not want to screw up with another kid in the mix. The fact is, we're just content... none of us feel the need to add to our family.
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I'm glad you said this. I have two siblings, and I love them both because they are my family. I adore my sister, we're best friends. However, my parents decided to stop TTC the month they found out mom was pregnant. I fully realize that it's a gamble as to if you like your siblings, and if you never have them you never have to find out which way they would have gone. I love my brother, but we don't get along and it is stressful. I obviously wouldn't wish him out of existence, but I would never call either of my siblings "gifts." They're people, and frequently the expectation of being best friends can backfire.
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Originally Posted by mamazee We were planning to probably just have one, and then dd came and was colicky and high needs and that made us feel stronger about it. We decided not to close the door completely, but not even to consider it for five years, because as high needs as she was, she would need all our attention. And we did eventually change our minds. Older dd is 8, younger one is 1. It's a great spacing, really, and I'm glad we did it this way. Although younger dd is a really easy baby. I wonder what we would have though if we had her first.
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My little sister didn't STTN until she was over a year old, and she developed a seizure disorder that resulted in several long hospital stays and some developmental delays and an eventual diagnosis of Asperbergers. My mom has said in no uncertain terms that if she had been first (brother has a different mom), there would have been no more children. I think that personality does and should play a role.
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Originally Posted by columbusmomma I was set with just one, content, life was good etc. DS was high energy(he does have adhd)and took lots of patience,tons of care, wore me out ha-ha! etc). But above all I just loved the 3 of us. And life got easier as he got older, we could do stuff,go out,money wasn't a huge issue,etc. Then I don't know, one day I just wanted another. Fast forward 5 years+ and DD was born. So I don't know what changed my mind honestly. Glad I did, but LOVE, LOVE the age difference. Can't imagine having 2 closer in age. He's in school, has so much independence, don't have to worry about diapering 2,napping 2, etc. Now at times I do ponder a 3rd....but don't know if I can go back to a newborn, all that care, etc. So I guess in a way I'm back in that situation of thinking of another, but due to my age I can't wait for another over 5 years apart age gap!! But it's been great with having 2 with this age difference, pretty easy!
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My mom has said all of this about our age differences
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Originally Posted by Friday13th I am an only child, as is my mother so I always knew I wanted more than one. We agreed we would definitely have two, preferrably 3 to 4 years apart and then revisit the idea of a third. Three is my ABSOLUTE maximum and when I unexpectedly got pregnant before DS1 turned 2 it cemented my belief that I do not handle being pregnant and being the sole caregiver for a toddler well at all. I feel like DS is being short changed because I'm tired and moody and hormonal. I will be getting an IUD after DS2 is born and in 4 or 5 years when they're both in school we'll see if number 3 is still a consideration or if it's time to make the vasectomy appointment.
For me, I definitely wanted more than one because I was a really lonely kid and my mother is now struggling as the sole caregiver for my grandmother with Alzheimer's. I do think, at this point, that more than two would be spreading myself too thin.
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As much as some people disagree, I think there's a reason why two is usually portrayed as such a great number, as opposed to 3, 4, 5+ kids. My older brother lived with his mom most of the time, and my parents said it was perfect having two kids (sister and I) because each of us could get one parent's sole focus and attention, whereas with more kids it's somewhat of a juggling act.
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Originally Posted by scottishmommy I would have loved having a little baby around when I was 5 or 6!
OP I used to be a nanny and I was TERRIFIED of ever having my own. The good news is that your experience as a nanny will help A LOT. Also you will have way more patience and love for your own child. I loved my charges and all but mothering my own is so different!
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When I was about 9 or 10 I wanted another sibling so badly! I was still young enough when my sister was born that I couldn't participate much and I don't remember much of it. I was born when my brother was 9, and he had a blast with me. As for nannying, I'm surprised at how much I absolutely love it. It makes me excited to have my own someday. It's so tiring though! I leave and fall into bed and sleep for about 10 hours
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Originally Posted by Girlprof My point from this ramble is I think this kind of planning has to be adjusted as you go along. If we'd had my laid back DD first, we would have had that second child a lot sooner. If we'd done that, perhaps we wouldn't have had the m/cs. Maybe we'd even think about a third. If we got pregnant by accident (God forbid!), I know we wouldn't terminate.
It's good to have a plan, but it's good to adjust the plan when life comes along.
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To me, that's phenomenal parenting. I think the number one sign of being a good mama is taking the needs of your child and placing them before the rest of your plans. I really believe that in some instances, a sibling is not in the best interest of child, so going with the flow and honoring the needs of your children and your family should be priority number one for everyone.
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Originally Posted by NYCVeg There are a lot of reasons why we decided to have an only, but I don't think there was any one moment of decision. You never know how you will adapt to being a parent until you have a child. Before we had dd, we thought we wanted 3.
Our reasons are:
1) That amorphous feeling that your family is absolutely complete. This is the biggest one. We know, KNOW that we are done.
2) We find parenting much harder than other people. It's not that dd is an especially hard child, but that dh and I find the work of parenting difficult. I love dd to pieces and am overjoyed that she's part of my family, but I don't find personal fulfillment in the job of mothering the way that some people do.
I'm pretty sure I'll fall into this category, since I find interacting for extended periods of time with anyone to be work. I love people, I love my family, but I think that giving your all to a relationship IS work.
3) Dh and I are both people who thrive on quiet, lots of thinking time, etc. I need a lot of alone time, and I find that being around other people too much really saps my energy. When I'm around groups of kids, I feel like I want to crawl out of skin--it's too much noise, too much activity, etc. I can't imagine having more than one child in my house. I think I would lose my mind.This! I used to babysit for a few larger families and it was so loud! A few hours and I'd be absolutely itching to get home. I've never seen someone vocalize it so well, but I also find it very draining to be in a group situation for extended periods. This gets more pronounced as I get older.
4) We both have fairly high-pressure careers and are already stretched very thin. We feel it would be unfair to her and to another child to stretch ourselves even more, even if we felt we could handle it (which we don't).Unlike many more natural minded people, I don't want to be a SAHM. I imagine I'll stay home for a year or so, but I want the satisfaction of a career. I have no issues with women staying home, but I feel strongly against it for myself. Once again, I had a fantastic childhood and hope to recreate it for my kid(s) someday, and my mom always worked full time once I was out of baby-hood. I respect her so much for it, and know I would feel different if she had given up her schooling and career for us.
5) We very much like the flexibility and monetary advantages of having one child--being able to afford travel and to do so conveniently, to potentially send dd to private school, etc. This is also very important to me.
6) Dd has severe, life-threatening food allergies. Her allergies need constant management and specialty foods are incredibly expensive. This is just another thing on our plates that makes us not want to add further complication.
7) We feel, personally, that is more responsible to have a smaller family (although I know others feel differently, and I don't judge anyone else's choices). We like that we are able to live in a much smaller space, to have a smaller car, etc.
I feel very much the same. It's important to me to drive small vehicles, live in a smaller space and as an environmentalist, I would feel like I was causing irreparable harm to the environment if I had a large family.
FWIW, we knew early on that we were only going to have the one. Everyone said we would change our minds. Four years later, we are only firmer in our convictions. Large families are not for everyone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the family size that is right for YOU.
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Thank you for this. In my english class, my group had to present on an essay about late motherhood, which led us all to talk about how we'd like to mother someday. By saying that I wanted to be older (mid-late 20's) and only have one child, I immediately got a semi-snarky response from a girl who planned to start having kids as soon as her and her fiancee got married and wanted to have 4+ kids, in that holier-than-thou tone. It's sad to me that women start judging other people's lifestyle and parenting choices long before they even have kids.
I hope things get brighter for you soon!
