How do I deal with this kid?

[AutumnAir]

This is behaviour which to a certain extent has always been there, but has been escalating over the last while.

DD is 26 months and has always been HN and spirited. I have always done my utmost to meet her needs and practise GD with her, but lately I'm losing my patience more and more.

The biggest thing is that she screams and cries about the smallest things what seems like all day - at least 10-15 times a day, with each 'tantrum' lasting anywhere between 5 minutes to an hour. I just can't cope with it. I need a fair amount of peace and quiet or I start to get really anxious and worked-up myself. Plus I'm working PT from home, doing a distance learning course which I'm finding a lot harder than I had bargained for, and I'm nearly 19 weeks pg.

For example, so far today we had a 10 minute screaming/crying session because Daddy had to leave for work (which he does everyday), a full on tantrum because I needed to use the potty (I don't even understand...), another one because I gave her the wrong spoon for breakfast - she didn't tell me which one she wanted, and when I offered her other spoons they were all wrong too, and another tantrum when I wouldn't let her rip up the Mother's Day cards I'd just written. It's only 11 am and my patience is already just about gone!

Half the time the tantrums are about things I don't even understand, or that don't seem to make any sense (to me at least). The other half of the time they're about things that happen every day, that are part of our routine or our rules, so you'd think that she'd have gotten used to them by now. For example, she's allowed to watch one dvd in the evening while I'm cooking, before her dad gets home - mainly because I really need that time without her underfoot. She knows this is the rule, but she still demands dvds throughout the day then throws a tantrum when I say "We can't watch one now, but you can choose whichever dvd you'd like to watch later when I'm cooking".

Please help!! I know she's two and some of this behaviour is normal, but surely spending a large proportion of the day tantruming can't really be normal?

[GoBecGo]

I don't know about generally "normal" but i have a high needs DD too and it sounds normal to me.

I dealt with it by giving warnings. So if daddy leaving made her tantrum then warn her 5 mins before, then 1 min before, then make sure he gives her a heartfelt loving goodbye. I have DD choose her own spoon, i offer her little choices all day long (i.e. not "what do you want to eat?" but "do you want the red spoon or the yellow one?") so she has SOME control over events. Obviously you have to be age appropriate (my DD is nearly 4 now) but it did help us and the tantruming phase did pass. TBH i find her tougher now, no tantrums, but really hard debates!

The dvd thing is classic boundary testing - i tend to think HN kids live about 3.5 times faster than everyone else. So daddy leaving every morning for work to her is like him leaving twice a week, meaning it is a shock when it happens. Getting a DVD once a day is like getting one twice a week - she keeps checking if it's time yet and freaking out because it isn't.

My DD hasn't napped at all for over 1.5 years, but she STILL refers to anything that happened more than 3 hours ago "yesterday" and things that happened a day ago "last year" and things that happened a week ago "when i was a wee baby". She is living SO fast, time to her doesn't make sense in the same way as it does for me.

Not much help perhaps, but maybe some of it rings true for your DD too? You're not alone, and it does pass. Hang in there!

[pianojazzgirl]

Oh man, I remember my dd going through a phase like that. Like GoBecGo I tried to head off tantrums by giving her lots of little choices throughout the day. Besides that when she was tantrumming I would try to affirm/give voice to her feelings. But really the only thing was to ride them out, and, when she was a bit older, the tantrums got fewer and farther between and then eventually disappeared.

Oh yeah, I remember transitions being particularly difficult as well and I would always have to give tons of warnings (10 mins till we leave the park, 7 mins till we leave the park, 5 mins till we leave the park, etc), and then also have something on hand to distract her when we did have to transition (it's time to leave the park - here's an apple for you to eat while I put you in your stroller).

I find GoBecGo's theory of time seeming to pass more quickly for HN kids to be an interesting one that resonates wtih me.

Good luck mama!

ETA maybe you could try talking through what's going to be happening throughout the day with her. What I mean is to give warning for each little "transition" throughout the day. Like "I'm starting to feel like I might need to pee. In two minutes I'm going to go to the bathroom. In one minute I'm going to go to the bathroom to pee - do you want to come with me? Ok, it's time for mommy to go pee. I'm going to the bathroom. Why don't you come along". It sounds tiring and a bit weird written out like that - I know, but maybe it would do the trick to help her feel a bit more on top of what's going on and make her less likely to freak out cause mama "suddenly!" went away to the bathroom.

Another thought, which might be way off base (it just came into my head) is what about taking away some of the choices that you give her. I know this goes against what I just wrote above, lol, but I was just wondering if maybe too many choices could be overwhelming. So if she was freaking out over a particular spoon (for ex.), maybe you could have one set of plate/bowl/cutlery (or two matching sets to make life easier) that are *always* hers. That is the spoon that she always uses. Every time. It's nothing to fight over because it's just the way it always is. You get the drift. Not sure if that would help or hurt the situation, but since it popped into my head I thought I might as well put it out there!

ETA again (lol).... I found with my dd that her behaviour just tanked if she was even a bit hungry. She needed many many small snacks throughout the day. Something I often did is made up a little snack tray with things like carrot sticks, cucumbers, cheese cubes, crackers, berries, etc that she could munch on whenever she felt like it. The worst days were when I let her go too long without anything to eat. Again, not sure if that helps, but thought it worth mentioning.

[GoBecGo]

WRT the limited rather than expanded choices - that's actually more like what i do! Like DD chooses a spoon, from the set of "her" spoons. Likewise forks and cups and whatever else. The initial choice is really small, to hopefully make the decision manageable.

I wonder if this sort of thing (HN-ness) runs in families? I can vividly remember age 6 being asked to please go fetch toothpaste in the supermarket. 5 mins later my mother caught up with me in the toothpaste aisle sobbing and sobbing because there were about a million brands and i didn't know how to choose! After that she was very specific for me "stripy toothpaste with the little smiley face on the box" rather than "toothpaste" - i was unable to choose just 6 library books until i was about 12 too!

I second the snacks too - cubes of cheese and museli bars have saved us on many occasions.

[AutumnAir]

Thanks mamas - it's a relief to know that someone's gone/going through the same things!

GoBecGo - I like your idea of HN kids living life 'faster' - that might make sense with DD too. I'll try to bear that in mind.

To be honest, I've not had a lot of success with giving warnings or choices. When I try to warn her about something changing/happening/ending then it just seems to precipitate the tantrum. E.g. she loves taking a shower with me, and never wants to get out. So after I get out I tell her she has 5 minutes while I'm getting dry and dressed. Then 3 minutes, 1 minute.. But all that happens is as soon as I mention the fact that she'll have to get out then she just screams and cries for the whole 5 minutes protesting about it, and of course once I turn the water off, try to get her dried and dressed and for a while afterwards too. So it just seems like if I warn her all that happens is we get a longer tantrum and she doesn't get to enjoy the last few minutes. So I figure it's better to do it like a band-aid - quickly!

Same problem with choices. I offer two choices - "Would you like your blue trousers or your red ones?" She says "I don't know" and dithers for a few minutes. Finally I say "If you can't choose mommy will choose for you" which precipitates the screaming, and then no matter what I choose it's the wrong thing! So when I need to keep things moving I just don't give her choices like that, and she actually seems to be generally happy with that. Then again, I don't like having too many choices either - I find it difficult to choose things, so she might be taking after me!

I will have to make sure she's well-fed, and as rested as I can manage. I leave out food for her to snack on all day, but I think sometimes she just gets too busy and forgets to take the time to eat - I might need to remind her a bit more often.

The thing with the spoon - she has a couple of sets of cutlery that are 'hers'. Usually I just pick one out for her - whichever one is clean and dry and in the drawer generally. If she wants a specific one she'll ask for it. But this morning I picked one out as I usually do, and she just decided to throw a wobbly about it. She's quite unpredictable - things that normally don't bother her can sometimes just cause her to flip...

Any more suggestions? I'm open to anything!!

[AmyKT]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo

I wonder if this sort of thing (HN-ness) runs in families? I can vividly remember age 6 being asked to please go fetch toothpaste in the supermarket. 5 mins later my mother caught up with me in the toothpaste aisle sobbing and sobbing because there were about a million brands and i didn't know how to choose! After that she was very specific for me "stripy toothpaste with the little smiley face on the box" rather than "toothpaste" - i was unable to choose just 6 library books until i was about 12 too!

This is an interesting observation. My DD is very HN and extremely intense, and I always thought that was so different from how I was as a kid, but I've also always had trouble making decisions. I mostly internalized my anxiety, though, so I didn't seem so HN as other kids do. The funny thing is, I often rely on DD to help me make decisions now because she is always so CERTAIN about her choices.

OP, my DD sounds a lot like yours, and it was really hard a few months ago. It's still hard now, but she is in a "me do" phase, and as long I remember to let her do something herself (choose her spoon or turn on the light), it's ok. A few months ago she wasn't as able to articulate her desire to do things, nor did she have the manual dexterity required for some tasks, but now that she does, it's a little easier. But if I forget to let her flush the toilet for me, watch out!

I think it's all about gaining some control over their environments.

[GoBecGo]

Possibly your approach of making the right choice is not helping you?

I would give the warnings, because even though it's no fun to listen to (and i still have to sometimes!) the tantrum is her processing her feelings about whatever is happening, and she isn't required to be happy about, well, anything. it's great if she is, but it's not a must. But WRT the shoes i wouldn't be concerned whether my choice was "right" or not. EXACTLY that sort of scenario got run through here. I would say "we have to go out, choose which shoes, you have 3minutes" and then "if you don't choose in one minute i will choose for you" and then "ok, i choose the blue, i know you're sad honey, next time maybe you will be able to choose in time for yourself" and i go ON with what we were doing. I do not pause overly for the tantrums. I let her process in her own way but i don't spend time focussing on it. I am often in the supermarket with the crying whiny child.

With the shower thing, what about not "you have to get out in 5mins" but "i will turn the water off in 5mins" - i tried not to tell DD what SHE should do, only what *I* would be doing. Yes, on about 3 occasions she sat freezing and wet in the shower tray for a while on her own, but that's her prerogative, it was her own teeny butt she was freezing off, not mine! I did warm a towel for her, so when she decided to get out it was positive, but other than that i left her more or less to it.

Another mum said to me today that i seemed to really enjoy being around my kid, and i think that i didn't used to as much when i tried to keep her happy and avoid confrontations and tantrums. I find the load is much lighter when i accept that beyond feeding/watering/comforting her actually her moods and feelings are her business, and i needn't and shouldn't attempt to control them. Because i can't and it makes my life much more stressy trying to, kwim?

I mean she might freak out over having an itchy leg (which she did on the way home from playing out with friends this morning with a whining scream of "NOW i'm ITCHY!") and i said "well scratch it then" and kept walking very slowly so she could easily catch up. I find her drama's actually escalate when i get overly involved, and i can do without letting her turn scratching her leg into the tragedy of the century, which she does if i get involved.

[my_baby_love]

It sounds a little to me like she may be trying to test your boundaries and see if throwing a fit gets a different result. She may be trying to see if she is the one in charge or you are.

My DS went through a similar stage and it was so rough! I had to make an effort to not let his tantrums sway me and to be a calm, but unchanging, presence through the whole thing. I stopped apologizing for things like choosing the wrong spoon (how were you supposed to know?) and I still make an effort not to feel like I am doing something wrong every time he gets upset.

I also read in Raising Your Spirited Child that some spirited kids get so into their tantrums that they can't stop on their own and need to be told that it's time to stop and then helped to do so. I started doing that with my DS when a tantrum has been going on for a while, and it really does help almost every time. He likes to be held when he is upset, so I will pick him up, gently tell him I know he's upset but that it's time to stop screaming/kicking/sobbing/etc and that I am here to help him handle his emotions. I hold him until he calms down and he has recently learned how to take deep breaths with me. It can take some time, but I think it helps him get a handle on the big, scary emotions that are coursing through him and teaches him that I'm not scared of them (or him when he has those emotions).

Hang in there, mama! You're doing a great job!

[claddaghmom]

DD will get like that if I (well anyone) transitions too quickly or without notice. It really upsets her. I try to do a lot of verbal building up before the action. "Okay, mama has to go potty. Would you like to sit on your potty, too? Let's pick out a book to read while we're in the potty."

Sometimes giving indepedence can help, too. "Oh! You need a spoon. Here, open the drawer and show mama which spoon you want today."

If nothing is helping at all, it could be the trantrum is due to pain. Teething, early onset of illness, fatigue? Tummy ache? Maybe some vit D, vit C and arnica will help?

[Tjej]

My kids are much more apt to be like this if they have not gotten enough sleep. Any teething/poor napping/not getting enough sleep at night?

Tjej