Bringing out the best in a controlling child

[laohaire]

My child (4yo) is very sweet but also very controlling and inflexible. Everything has to be her way. She reminds me of my mother in this way.

I believe this is who she is and don't believe I created this "monster." Yet I want to still bring out the best of this aspect. People who get to know her remark that she is quite headstrong and perhaps will be a leader. That could be nice, but I also worry that she will be unhappy if she is too rigid and demanding, since of course people and events will constantly disappoint her. Also I worry about the strain on her relationships; if she is controlling and demanding of her spouse, neither will be happy.

When DD is making demands I tend to be quite disapproving, I sigh a lot, I say things like "you're not always going to get your way, you need to learn to roll with it." But clearly my reactions aren't helpful to her.

Another thing I notice in myself is that I find myself reluctant to ever give in to her, whereas if she were less demanding I'd probably let things go her way more. However, I don't have any sense for whether this is good or bad, and if bad, how bad.

And another thing, I've noticed that I lose my patience with her a lot, but I realized that I am CHOOSING to lose my patience. I'm usually not at the end of my rope, but in the moment I am thinking "well, I could give in to her, I could just ignore her, or I could be crabby about this." I can't think of any more options. I don't want to give into her, ignoring her just escalates things (she melts down when ignored, and it lasts a long, long time...), and while me being crabby about it doesn't solve it, I guess I feel like I'm doing my job not approving of her behavior while avoiding what clearly REALLY doesn't work with her (ignoring).

So, um, any other ideas?

I guess I should give an example... hmm. It's kind of constant, really, she'll demand that we find her a certain toy (which is usually met with "well, where did you put it? Go look there" - but usually she keeps demanding and then melts down and then gets put in time out).

Or, last night we went through the McD's drivethrough and got sundaes . DH placed the order and the second he started driving toward the pickup window, DD started demanding "I WANT MY ICE CREAM NOW!!!!" which annoyed the heck out of me with the entitlement and such. Like, here we are enjoying a special treat, she should be sitting back there with a big fat grin on her face, not throwing around demands. And, as you know, McDonald's is about as instant as you can get. We live in a small town so there's not even a LINE in the drivethrough, the time between placing the order and actually driving away with our order was less than 60 seconds. I don't want to raise a person like this, you know?

Or, earlier in the night we went to the YMCA swim class. DH always drops me and DD at the door and then goes to park and comes inside, it only takes a minute. This time we were running 5 minutes late (rare, we're usually on time) so when I went to get her out of her seat she started demanding that DH come in with us NOW, and that she did not want to go in without him. Well, I didn't feel like it was necessary to fall all over myself giving into her whims when we were late, so I unbuckled her and reminded her that AS ALWAYS, DH would be right behind us. She started clinging to the carseat and refused to let go. I felt like I had the option of giving in or just hauling her butt outta there, so I hauled her butt out with her screaming the whole way (I had to kind of jerk her a bit too since she was clinging to the seat). So we walked in with her crying the whole time and everyone looking and I was just pulling her clothes off while she screamed that she wanted to wait for daddy. I did assure her that she didn't have to go in the water without daddy being there but it was ridiculous to wait for him to get her clothes off and ready for the water. (I undressed her poolside, not in the locker room).

I realize being late for a swim class isn't THAT critical, but I just feel like it's wrong to be giving in to her silly demands like that. If she was a laid-back kid and just this once it was important for her to wait for her daddy, I think I'd see that a lot differently. But instead I was rough with her hauling her out of the car (not out of impatience, out of choice and perceived lack of alternatives), I was disapproving with her, etc.

Yet I must admit, she is not learning any different. I am not helping her. There must be some other answer.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Or, last night we went through the McD's drivethrough and got sundaes . DH placed the order and the second he started driving toward the pickup window, DD started demanding "I WANT MY ICE CREAM NOW!!!!" which annoyed the heck out of me with the entitlement and such. Like, here we are enjoying a special treat, she should be sitting back there with a big fat grin on her face, not throwing around demands. And, as you know, McDonald's is about as instant as you can get. We live in a small town so there's not even a LINE in the drivethrough, the time between placing the order and actually driving away with our order was less than 60 seconds. I don't want to raise a person like this, you know?

how did you react to her demand in this scenario?

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by D_McG

how did you react to her demand in this scenario?

I just said something like "Sheesh, can you calm down and be happy? We'll be getting our ice cream in a minute!" Nothing genius, just annoyance. That one didn't escalate, though. I was just trying to show how constant it always is, any event or interaction will usually involve her demands.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I just said something like "Sheesh, can you calm down and be happy? We'll be getting our ice cream in a minute!" Nothing genius, just annoyance. That one didn't escalate, though. I was just trying to show how constant it always is, any event or interaction will usually involve her demands.

OK. Well I don't have anything genius to contribute but I have had DS act like that on occasion and I make him repeat his request in a calm, polite voice or else he doesn't get what he wants. I don't bend, either. I will not be ordered around by anyone.

[LynnS6]

I would highly recommend "How to Talk So Your Child Will Listen" by Faber & Mazlish. They have some really nice ideas/techniques for dealing with this sort of behavior. Another super book is "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Actually, I'd read that one first.

In the McD's situation, I would have said (ala Faber & Mazlish) "Wow, it sounds like you really want your ice cream. It's hard to wait, huh?" Usually that takes care of it. Remember that she's 4 and discovering the power of words. Subtly and patience are not part of the repertoire of a 4 year old.

If my kids continued (and sometimes they do), then I move on to describe the impact of their behavior "It's rude to yell for your ice cream like that. I don't like that. Please be more polite. Your ice cream is coming as fast as it can." If it still continued, then I'm down to "Enough. We heard you."

I come from a long line of "controlling" people. And some of us aren't long on patience either. One thing that might be helpful to you is to realize that often the 'need' to control is coming from fear and stress. The way we 'manage' that stress is to control everything in our environment so there are no surprises. Does it makes sense? Probably not. (I suspect your dd was stressed/picking up on your stress from being late.)

I deal with this in my kids in two ways. The first is to ask them questions so they can reassure themselves. "what comes next?" "what does Daddy need to do before he can come in?" The second is to work on reminding them of who's job it is to do what. "Your job is to.... Daddy's job is to park the car." It really helps my kids to know what their job is and who will take care of the other stuff. It's not putting them in their place, it's reassuring them that they do not need to take on all those burdens yet.

In the car scene, what I should do is the "waiting for the bus" technique. That's where you act as if you're waiting for the bus. It's not bothering you, just delaying you. No strong emotion, no fight. Tell her "It's time to get out of the car. When you're out, Daddy can park and come in." Then wait. Calmly. (That's the hard part for me -- I'd probably hauling them out of the car in anger and then feeling bad. My parenting skills always improve in hindsight.)

Finally, I think it's important to let her be in charge some of the time. I suspect you recognize that her behavior triggers some things about your relationship with your mother that bother you. Remember that she's not your mother.

I'm of the opinion that if my kids care strongly and I don't, OK, they can have their way. That's showing them that their opinion matters to us -- so it's a matter of respect. If we have differing opinions, then we need to negotiate.

For me, it's important to acknowledge that my children have a valid opinion, even if we don't follow their ideas. I remember being soooo frustrated as a child because people wouldn't hear my (very valid and completely reasonable ) ideas. Instead they would call me 'sassy' and 'rude'. So, I try to separate out the content from the tone. We work on the tone/phrasing to make it polite. We don't criticize the content (if I can help it). Maybe that's why the Faber & Mazlish book speaks to me so much.

OK, two more books that might help:
Nurture by Nature
The Challenging Child by Greenspan

[laohaire]

Thanks, Lynn, that was very helpful! I'll reread it a few times too.

Yes, you're right that some of my issues dealing with DD have to do with my mom. Ironically, I've also been butting heads with my mom since having DD. I used to go along with my mom all the time but now I'm a mom and an adult and I'm tired of it. Imagine how thrilled I feel when I have to deal with it in DD too :eyeroll So yeah, I've got a lot to work on.

[Llyra]

I don't have a lot to offer, but I wanted to empathize. My DD1 is like that too. I think I struggle with it a lot too because a lot of the time I'M like that, too. And the more stubborn she gets, the more hard-headed I get, until our horns are locked. And sometimes even when I'm doing everything right, all the fabulous suggestions I've learned on here and elsewhere, she STILL freaks out over stuff that seems so ridiculous to someone looking in from the outside. Then I feel like I SHOULD say no, to avoid rewarding what in the moment I see as "spoiled" behavior and I wind up saying no for no good reason except I don't want to "give in."

My DD1 is a bit older (5 1/2), and what we've done over the last year or so is worked on choosing better ways for her to express herself that don't drive people so crazy-- ways that get her opinions out there without alienating people or starting confrontations.

For example, if I buy her a strawberry fruit leather, which is supposed to be a treat, she'll usually flip out and scream that she wanted peach, or grape. Either of my other two kids would gratefully accept the treat, but DD1 will almost always find fault with it.

So she flips out and yells, and I get mad and tell her then she's not getting anything at all, and the whole thing blows up and ruins our good time.

So what I've been working on with her is 1. calming down in the moment, and 2. choosing less abrasive ways to express her point of view. I coach her to calm down, and then to choose her words more carefully and control her tone. So I might in that situation coach her to say, "Thank you for the treat. I'd rather have peach, though-- do you mind if I switch mine for peach?" which is a mouthful for a little girl, so it takes practice, but it does do what it needs to do-- it lets her say what she needs to say without the tone and words that get under people's skins and make people less inclined to want to help her. It's the way mature adults handle situations where they don't want to appear ungrateful, but they really don't want what's on offer. Kids need help to learn those skills. It's easy to answer those words-- either I say, "yes, that's fine, here go ahead and switch with me," or "oh, you wanted peach? I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'll tell you what-- next time I'll let you pick your flavor. I didn't know you really liked peach best," depending on the situation. And everybody feels marginally better.

Now that we've been doing that for a year, when those situations come up, I'll catch her eye, and tell her, "If you scream at me, I'm going to get angry, and that won't help, right? How can you say it in a way that WILL help?" About half the time, she catches herself, and tries. The other half of the time, I'll say, "I can't listen to you when you're screaming. I see you're angry. Please calm down so we can talk about it," and then I walk a little distance away and give her as much time as she needs.

After many, many repetitions of this, we're getting somewhere. I can see that it's helped her in her other interactions, too. I hear her using it when she talks to other kids, her teachers, and other people, too.

Another thing that really helps is explaining almost everything that's going to happen, ahead of time, in really simple terms, so things don't catch her by surprise. I make a point of explaining which decisions are going to be hers to make, and which ones I'm going to make for her. I might say, "okay, when we go to the store, I might buy you a treat, but I'm going to choose the treat, so it's a surprise. I'm not going to ask you what you want, and if you are unhappy with what I pick, I don't want you to scream at me. That's not what we do when we get treats." We repeat this for almost everything we do-- we sit a minute and talk it through, and I'll even draw little picture-lists to help her keep straight exactly what's going to happen, and who's going to be in charge of any decisions that need to be made.

I've found it very helpful to remember that the minor frustration of not always getting what you want isn't going to hurt her, and might actually help in the long run. What WILL do harm, though, is feeling like nobody listens to her, or like her concerns and opinions aren't understood. So when I do say no, which is often, I try to always make sure I've listened to what she says, provided she makes some kind of an effort to say it in a reasonable way. Then I repeat it back in a slightly different way, and acknowledge her feelings about the issue, and explain WHY I've chosen to say no. So she feels heard, even if she's not always getting just exactly what she wants.

I don't allow myself to be terrorized, though. If after a reasonable amount of patience and coaching, she insists on continuing with the abrasive tone or the screaming, I'll say aloud that I need a break from all the yelling, and go take myself elsewhere for a while.

[laohaire]

Yes, those are good points too. Me just getting frustrated with her doesn't tell her how to act. It's probably a tall order to expect her to just turn off her feelings. Even if her feelings about having to have things just so are stronger than most people's, they do come naturally to her, and not something she just decided to do. So the question then becomes, how is it appropriate for her to express that?

We have worked on her to ask for things nicely instead of demanding all the time. Unfortunately that seems to go something like this:

DD: I can't find my doll's shoes, find my doll's shoes!!
Me: (assuming I don't just tell her to find them herself...) Can you ask that in a nice way?
DD: PLEEEEEEEEEAAASE?
Me: Please what?
DD: Please!!
Me: Please... eat a pickle? Please... jump up and down?
DD: Please can you find my doll's shoes for me?

Anyway, it's cute but it's the same every time

But the other thing is that she now has been led to believe that she can have anything if she asks for it nicely, that "please" is indeed a MAGIC word. So in the fruit rollup example you had, I was with you until your statement "well, I didn't know peach was your favorite, I'll be sure to get it next tiem" Meltdown time!!! Thinking about it, I probably created that in a way. Instructing her to ask nicely (FTR, "please" isn't an absolutely required word in asking nicely around here, but it's easier for young kids than longer and more indirect, nice requests) leads her to believe she is going to get said thing, so I don't bother to walk her through it when the answer is No, because I want to avoid a meltdown. Yet that backfires because the meltdown is now more likely, and I'm being inconsistent about her needing to be polite at all times.

Eh, rambling.

Anyway, it's crazy, there are some people who know DD who think she is just the most pliable, laid-back kid ever. Little do they know

[pianojazzgirl]

quick response...

I think just because she rephrases in a polite way or nicer voice or whatever doesn't mean that you need to say "yes". My dd sounds a lot like yours and I often ask her to try a "do over", and coach her on a nicer way to ask (if needed - often now she can figure it out herself). Then I thank her for asking in a way that doesn't hurt my ears/feelings, etc. And then I address the matter at hand. Sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes no.

[proudmamanow]

this is a great thread--my dd1, age 4.75 is almost EXACTLY like this. And for us it is tied to anxiety issues. We have had some luck with a magnesium supplement lately.

That being said, we still struggle with all of this kind of behaviour a lot, and I also struggle with not responding crabbily & grouchily myself. So I will continue to watch this thread. I have read Faber & Mazlish, but I think it's been too long.

OP, I could describe any of your scenarios pretty much exactly. One thing with our dd though is she is like this at home, not when we are out of the house (usually).

We are very strict on the using polite words thing, and we do let her make a lot of choices when appropriate. Structure is definitely an issue though, as we homeschool & our schedule changes a lot, which probably isn't helping.

[Llyra]

For us, it's about more than asking with polite words. It's about remaining calm, and using a measured tone, and making assertive statements about your feelings, even once you've been told, "no.". So it's not, "pppppppleaaaaaseeeeeeee can I have a COOOKIE!" so much as, "I feel so angry because I really wanted a cookie. I wish I could have one." It takes time and practice and coaching, though. It's the consistency and repetition over the long-term that eventually works. A lot of adults have trouble with it, in situations where feelings are heated. But if kids can learn it, they will have a much easier time getting their needs met and having positive relationships, so we put a big focus on it here.

With the doll's shoes, though, I would have responded to, "I can't find my doll's shoes," with, "so what do you think you plan to do?" thereby letting her own the problem. DD1 does that to me too-- thinks complaining is asking, when it's not. If what she means is "please help me," then I want to hear that, not just a description of the problem. A description of the problem I will almost always meet with, "that sounds tough. What do you think you're going to do to fix that?

[jlwagner]

What a heartening thread!! My ds is so much like this. Everything is a struggle for control and I am so tired of it and worn down that I usually respond in an annoyed way. We have had success with clearly explaining everything that is going to happen so there are no surprises and so that he knows what is expected of him and what is not acceptable (throwing a fit for a balloon or a treat at the grocery store for instance). We have also been playing around with his diet (we also have pretty bag mood swings along with the tantrums) and have had some success with eliminating all refined sugar. I don't know if you ladies have similar struggles, but we have lots of ups and downs with his moods and many of our worst battles occur when his mood suddenly drops and he decides to dig in and fight for some of the most random things. Anyway, since he's been off all sugar (we have never consumed much) we have nearly eliminated these huge, seemingly random battles. We have also eliminated gluten and dairy but it's really too soon to know if this is helpful or not. So there is some food for thought - maybe diet could be exacerbating these controlling tendencies.

I really look forward to reading more replies in this thread (and I will definitely read the books recommended above). It is helpful just to read about similar kids and know that my ds is not unique in some of his frustrating tendencies. He is only 4 and sometimes I feel like I have nothing left.

[LionTigerBear]

OP, I just wanted to let you know I empathize completely and I'm in the same boat with my 3.5-year-old. He is extremely assertive and confident in his personal power while still being rather anxious and inflexibility is an issue. He is the kid who bites and hits and throw temper tantrums. He is also very clingy and more attached than normal, to me, at times.

My mother is also similar-- she can be violent and throw adult temper tantrums and is, yes, very controlling. And she is very anxious while appearing outwardly overly confident. My son is also a lot like his dad who can be quite stubborn and is very assertive and aggressive in socially acceptable ways (such as in his career).

Interestingly, my older son, 5.5, is not like this at all. In fact, he could benefit from adopting a bit of his brother's assertiveness and steadfastness. And the younger one would do well to model a bit of his older brother's cooperation and gentleness. Oh well, guess each one is their own unique little human being!

So I am reading the first two books already suggested-- actually I already read "How To Talk"-- twice-- and it has been very helpful, but I have to keep rereading it to keep from backsliding. I actually own a ton of gentle discipline parenting books that I have to keep reading. This kid is HARD for me to parent, but I love him so much. I know that, with gentle parenting and firm guidance, he will grow up to be a powerful leader. Because nobody can tell this kid what to do if it crosses his inner convictions.

Lynn and Llyra, thank you so much for your advice! I need to reread it and maybe take notes.

[lisavark]

Don't have time to read all the responses, and my DD is younger so my techniques might not be as helpful with older kids, but I find it's really, really important to validate her feelings FIRST. No matter how rudely/annoyingly she's asking for something (my DD is very verbal, so she's perfectly capable of asking politely), I validate her feelings first. "You really want ice cream! You want ice cream right now!" Sometimes I encourage her to express her wants with a lot of emotion and make a game out of it, because that helps her get the strong feelings out, you know? Then after she realizes that I understand where she's coming from, I explain and help her express it more politely. "The ice cream is coming soon. You have to wait a minute." She might get upset about that, but I don't let that upset me--she's allowed to have strong feelings, you know? She will learn better ways of expressing them, but right now it's okay for her to cry and be upset because everything isn't exactly the way she wants it. And I think that's okay for a 4 yo to do, too. She's still a toddler, really. Anyway, once the ice cream comes, I would make her ask politely. "Can you please ask nicely for the ice cream?" She says, "Ice cream, please," and then I give it to her. That way I don't feel like I'm being controlled by her crying and screaming, you know? But I think it's important to remind yourself that her having emotions is not the same as controlling you. She is allowed to have as many emotions as she needs to, as strongly as she needs to. How to deal with them in a socially appropriate way is something she's still learning.

I could be wrong, but I really don't think that giving in to (reasonable) demands is creating a monster. Just like with a baby, the more that a toddler feels her needs are met, the more flexible she will become. Getting everything she wants is NOT a need--but having her emotions and desired validated IS a need. And sometimes expressing emotions in a vocal, messy way that would not be appropriate for an adult IS a need for a young child.

Just my two cents...

[ssh]

My DD is 4 and we're finding it to be a very emotional and demanding age. In the first situation I would have said "It really is hard waiting, I want my ice cream right now too" and in the second we would have waited for daddy. I don't consider giving my DD a chance to be calm before going into a public situation 'giving into her whims'. I feel my DD's emotional needs are just as valid as her physical ones, even though she seems to have a lot more of them lately. We kind of have a family rule about respecting people's use of the words 'No' and 'Stop' so we don't force DD about anything unless real danger is involved. Most preschool behavior is temporary but the relationship we're building with our DD isn't. Also we realize that our DD will only expect others to treat her respectfully if we do.

I think the problem is that your DD reminds you of your mother. I didn't see any controlling behavior in your examples, but bossiness is a normal phase at this age. Being emotionally fragile is too. Being inflexible is a personality trait and how you react to it can help turn it into an asset instead of a negative. When my DD tries to be bossy I tell her why the behavior is bossy and that being bossy is rude. Then we talk about what kind of person my DD wants to be and how the behavior we choose makes people see us as this kind of person or that kind of person. I really like the book Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Her Raising Your Spirited Child is really good too.

[LionTigerBear]

It's just exhausting.

My intense child has been just screaming at me today and throwing so many temper tantrums. (No, no candy or any of his trigger foods that I know of.)

I have been patient, kind, firm. I've been doing tons of validating. I've tried to be flexible where I can. I have two other children, though, and DS2 wants almost everything that they have, doesn't want to share, doesn't want them to have turns, wants me to hold him even when I can't because I'm nursing the baby or changing her diaper or something. He always wants to be first and get his own way. If he doesn't he literally screams and roars at me and then often he melts down in tears. Sometimes he hits me. I have a headache now. It is just so draining. By the end of the day I sometimes feel like crying.

Granted, every day isn't like this. It's a gloomy rainy day and he and I are both getting over a cold. But too many of our days are like this.

Still, though, I believe that putting in the time parenting him now will pay off when he's an older child, even when the results aren't immediate.

I guess sometimes I just feel a bit depressed about it because I try so hard and I really would like my children to be happy. Having come from a very dysfunctional family, I guess I had an unrealistic idea of what a happy family looks like. I honestly didn't think I'd have a 3.5 throwing temper tantrums. I thought that with the right kind of parenting it just wouldn't happen past age 2. My older son NEVER, I mean NEVER threw any temper tantrums. He'd have meltdowns, but was more implosive than explosive. Guess I've been humbled!

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by LionTigerBear

My older son NEVER, I mean NEVER threw any temper tantrums. He'd have meltdowns, but was more implosive than explosive. Guess I've been humbled!

Just wanted to say, I think similar thoughts! Except DD is an only, so what I'm thinking is "**I** never did this as a kid!!"

Of course I am aware that my memory and reality are probably not all that close, but I also confess I made this same statement quietly to my mom last week when I visited her, and she agreed quite adamantly. Of course I know my mom's memory and reality also have a gap, but anyway. (Just to reassure, my mom loves DD more than life itself, so this wasn't a judgemental grandma kind of thing, but honestly agreeing with my recollection that I didn't do that sort of thing).

Anyway those thoughts are probably useless but I have them too.

DH says he wasn't like that either... the culprit (lol) is DH's sister! I guess DD is a lot like her.

One thing that I have really kept close to my heart is MIL telling us that she regretted coming down hard on SIL as a kid. She was spirited and MIL did whatever discipline (nothing violent) she felt it warranted, but later regretted it. Feels that SIL is now not as confident as she was meant to be, for example. So I remember and appreciate this when I consider coming down hard on DD.

ETA: Just to be clear, I was joking about SIL being the "culprit." Of course I know DD is her own person, etc.

[naupakamama]

Quick reply - Raising Your Spirited Child was a great read on this. My DD sounds very similar to yours. As I tell people, she knew exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it from the day she was born. I found in the early years that fighting her was never helpful. I struggle with your same issues too I think (my father is very controlling). Basically, I let her have the particular things she wanted as long as I could and have had to learn to relax about time, appearance, etc. I think staying an unemotional and calm as possible helps.

Mostly I am writing to add a note of hope. My DD went through a pretty major transition at about 4.5 years old. She is much calmer now and the fights are fewer. I can actually talk her out of it many times which I was never able to do before. We also started seeing a chiropractor regularly so I don't know if that played a role - I would strongly suggest trying this too.

[Violet2]

OMG this is my DD too. The thing is she does it more with me and DH than other people so I have hope it's not a trait, but rather a developmental phase.

There are some good suggestions here, I didn't get to read everything b/c DD is dressing me up with scarves at the moment.

Anyway, per a pp RE: the ice cream I do the 'wow, ice cream sounds so good. I am so excited and happy. Aren't you? Boy I wish we didn't have to wait in line for it. It would be nice to have it right now. If you could make your own ice cream flavor what would it be?' kind of thing too and it does help enormously b/c (I think) it really acknowledges what they are feeling and engages them positively.

ETA: Okay DD is off doing something else. I want to tell you a story about an instance of DD being controlling that really floored me. I told her we were going to go to ride the train, an activity she enjoys and loves. When it came time to leave she refused to get dressed or cooperate. So I got frustrated and gave up. We're not going I told her.

She instantly became an angel and said "I want to get dressed. Let's go mommy." She even brought the clothes over.

It became clear to me that she wanted to go only on her terms and only if it was her decision.

This momma don't play that.

I refused and explained I meant what I said. She pitched a huge fit. I just told her 'this is what happens when you don't cooperate. If you are going to fight me, I'm not going to play. We'll just stay home all the time.' She's been slightly better since that one incident in that if she starts trying to control whether we leave the house, I just suggest we don't go at all which, remembering what happened last time, seems to help her cooperate.

It just floored me how sophisticated her control was. To fight me just on the principal of control so she could be the one determining how and when we leave the house.

Yesterday she tried to be the same stunt but this time she was saying with a HUGE grin on her face "I not cupopitating (cooperating) mommy. I giving you hard time." (Can you guess what I say to her a lot? )

V

[laohaire]

My DD does that a lot too!

We've also lately been drawing the line more. Previously we would do the "fine, then, we're not going" and then she'd be angelic and then we'd go.

But lately, she gets warned but when we draw the line, that's it, we're not taking it back.

She's still learning about this. She still doesn't respond to warnings. But I have hope. I have hope.

Also, my DD is angelic to other people too There's not many people who really understand how she CAN be. Her grandmothers know it, and her prek teacher knew it, but that was pretty much it. My neighbor has a very headstrong child (more than mine, believe it or not - the ONLY kid I know that I admit is more headstrong than mine), but we can't commiserate to each other because my neighbor thinks my child is as pliable as they get - and it's true, that's all she sees, I can't blame her for thinking that!