Intense sibling competition - I need help

[4Marmalade]

My two oldest dc's are 7 and 4.5. I am having a lot of trouble figuring out how to deal with this issue between them. 7 year old ds is extremely competitive when it comes to his sister. Absolutely everything is a competition. Examples from this morning include:

1) Dd said she woke up when dh left and she saw him leave (he had to leave early and her window looks out to the driveway so she probably did). Ds counters with "I saw him too" even though he didn't.

2) Dd came out of her room dressed for school and I told her she looked nice. Ds says "I got dressed first".

3) Walking to the bus stop I say to dd "I think you're getting your report card today". Ds jumps in with "I'm going to do better than you". We truly don't make a big deal about report cards and I doubt dd even knows what it is.

This always ends up in an argument between them as ds does not back down and eventually dd usually ends up crying, screaming or hitting ds because he does not let it go.

On top of all the competition he is constantly correcting dd. Ds is quite a perfectionist so we do what we can to help him but I feel so bad for dd who is constantly put down and told she is wrong by her brother. Honestly, if she says she had a dream about such and such a person, ds will tell her she didn't.

I try to stay out of most sibling issues but this is constant and I worry about dd's self-esteem as well as wondering what we are doing (or not doing) with ds to cause all this anxiety and attention-seeking. We are not perfect and could probably spend more quality time with him but on the other hand we could do much worse and from our experience he can never get enough attention. I know a big part is his personality. We expect these types of issues knowing what we do about him but I don't really know how to proceed. Maybe I should be focusing on dd and helping her deal with her brothers comments?

I should add that they do have moments where ds can be very supportive of dd but it's only about 10% of the time.

Help!

[lonegirl]

Sorry I have no advice....but it sounds like the sibling rivalry of my brother and myself as kids. He is 3 years my junior. I always found my brother to be annoyance and he always had to be there. I was good at getting him into trouble and always looking the angel. But not to worry he grew into a very confident strongwilled individual (whereas I, although confident, was the quiet and shy one). We are close and have lots of fond childhood memories...even fondly look at the bickering as a good memory now.

[meemee]

first seperate your issues from your kids.

is your dd showing signs of being upset by bro constantly correcting her? or is she enjoying his guidance.

the dream - how does he say she didnt. did he mean she didnt or did he mean the person was in disguise. so helping in a supportive way.

the key for you is to watch how their interactions happen. what your ds offers is that to help dd. and ur dd's reaction. the reason why i say that is coz my dd's bf gets teased quite a bit at school. that teasing just doesnt seem to touch him. it doesnt affect him at all and totally ignores it. however it gets my dd really riled up and she totally verbally reams the bully. however if my dd were to say anything to her bf, he would collapse in tears.

our situation was like pp. my brother fought like cats and dogs and we both loved each other too. lots and were really good, good friends.

[Hedgehog Mtn]

Subbing because we have the exact same issue here. Right down to arguing over whether one child had the dream or is "making it up" or even arguing about what the other child is THINKING.....or "DS was GOING to do X" even if they can't possibly predict what each other was thinking or going to do.

I have no advice but can totally sympathize

[journeymom]

is your dd showing signs of being upset by bro constantly correcting her? or is she enjoying his guidance.

Karen addressed this here: This always ends up in an argument between them as ds does not back down and eventually dd usually ends up crying, screaming or hitting ds because he does not let it go.

That isn't fond brotherly guidance. I think you're right to be concerned. This sort of thing can be corrosive.

But it's also normal to a degree. Do not beat yourself up about it, it doesn't help. If you think you're already spending a reasonable amount of time with him you probably are.

I've heard good things about Siblings Without Rivalry

The "I saw him too" and the "I got dressed first" aren't that bothersome. But the "I'm going to do better than you" -type of comments maybe should be challenged.

I'm the youngest in my family. My brother, 2nd born, is 10 years older than me. He teased me and gave me a hard time a lot and frankly it hurt and it stuck with me for a long time. However one really helpful thing is that this hurt was balanced out with a lot of good times. In typical younger sibling way I adored him and forgave him over and over, and he did develop some patience for me and would play with me. Our family did a lot of camping together and this filled my 'emotional tank' with good memories, generally.

Po Bronson says siblings that have good, fun experiences together, who play together and associate good times with each other, have better relationships when they get to adulthood.

[musikat]

I just posted something on a related note on the general parenting board. I feel your pain, and some of what you wrote I could have written myself. The competition, the not letting things go and the never enough attention for the oldest are all big issues here, too. The main difference is that I have three, so the youngest is starting to play a role in the sibling rivalry now, too (mainly as a pawn so far, but give him time).

I was raised as an only child, as was DP, so we are just mystified by all this.

I have no advice, but you are not alone!

[4Marmalade]

Originally Posted by meemee

first seperate your issues from your kids.

is your dd showing signs of being upset by bro constantly correcting her? or is she enjoying his guidance.

the dream - how does he say she didnt. did he mean she didnt or did he mean the person was in disguise. so helping in a supportive way.

the key for you is to watch how their interactions happen. what your ds offers is that to help dd. and ur dd's reaction. the reason why i say that is coz my dd's bf gets teased quite a bit at school. that teasing just doesnt seem to touch him. it doesnt affect him at all and totally ignores it. however it gets my dd really riled up and she totally verbally reams the bully. however if my dd were to say anything to her bf, he would collapse in tears.

our situation was like pp. my brother fought like cats and dogs and we both loved each other too. lots and were really good, good friends.

Not exactly sure what my issues are. Care to clarify?

The dream - he has no real interest in her dream. It just seems like he wants to tell her she is "wrong".

Dd gets clearly upset and even though she is willing to walk away and ignore him he keeps pushing it and wants to "win" for lack of a better word.

Thanks for everyone's insight and sharing their experiences. I remember some rivalry with my brothers but not the constant putting down. I have read Siblings Without Rivalry before and maybe should pick it up again.

[zeldamomma]

We have a similar thing going on here. I ignore the "I did it too" stuff, but the relentless criticism is corrected. I have taken to telling my kids to ask themselves "does it matter?" before correcting someone-- because if you know what the person meant, it is rude to make a nit-picky correction. For the really hurtful stuff (like when my dd wants to tell dh about everything her sister did wrong today) we tell her very clearly that it's not acceptable and it has to stop. Things do seem to be getting better, gradually.

The same child who struggles with correcting the sister close to her in age, also struggles with the fact that our 3 y.o. has fewer responsibilities than she does. When it gets bad, I try to figure out what else is going on in her life that has her stressed. I have been tweaking some things in our life to give her more of her own stuff to do, and I think that's part of the reason things are getting better.

ZM

[journeymom]

Yes, I periodically remind both kids that the older child has more rights but also more responsibilities, the younger has fewer.

[hipumpkins]

My kids do get that also. what I find helps curb it is to reconnect them as brother and sister.
If they are bickering incessantly over it I make them sit face to face and stare at each other while I remind them, "No laughing" This is nearly impossible and almost always breaks down the tension of it.
Afterwards we talk about fun competition and needless bragging.