Help ME (mom) get over pacifier hang up

[healthy momma]

Okay, first a little background on my DS pacifier habit. Up until 3 weeks ago my 21 month old used the pacifier strictly for nap and bed time. No problem for me and no problem for him. We took a weekend trip that included bad flight times and a two hour time difference. We let him use the pacifier in the airports and on the plane for comfort because he was really being asked to function outside of his regular schedule. Also (and I think this is important) he dramatically decreased his nursing. So we get home and for two days he goes back to regular pacifier use but continues a decreased nursing schedule. Suddenly, on the third day he wants the pacifier all the time. First it was just when we were reading books, then other times only in the house, then in the car, then in the store...you get the picture.

Here's MY issue. I admit to myself that I am biased against wake time pacifier use. I can intellectually assure myself it won't hurt his teeth, interfere with his language skills, etc. but that doesn't seem to help me. On top of that I truly feel that he is less interactive and definitely less vocal (he still isn't verbal) with me when he is using it. That is frustrating for me.

So why not just break him of the habit? I believe in non violent communication, radical unschooling, trusting that a child's needs are important and that they should be allowed to choose what is the right way to meet them, etc. This is my first real test of these beliefs as my son truly begins to exercise his will. Externally I am passing the test but internally I'm going crazy watching him walk around with the pacifier in his mouth and missing his vocalizations.

If you have read this far please don't take this opportunity to judge me for my bias. I already know it is there. What I could use is encouragement, options for a middle ground that might satisfy us both, etc.

[kittykat2481]

DS is 26 months and similar to your son. He went through a period of time when he was only using it at naps and at night, but then at one point - probably around your son's age - he suddenly started wanting it more and more. We know that he has some oral sensory needs, so we have allowed it. However, just recently he began biting through them at a rate that made me feel it was unsafe for him to have it that much because he could bite the nipple part off and choke on it, so we compromised. We gave him a chew tube that he can bite, suck, blow on, chew on, carry around, etc all day long, and let him have the paci only when he sleeps. We ask him to go put his paci in his bed when he wakes up so he has control over that situation and knows that he'll be able to find it when it's time to have it again. Also, the chewy tube is much more durable than a paci (when it comes to those teeth!), won't mess up their teeth, and doesn't carry the stigma that a paci does (not that that's a reason to go this route, but it is an added bonus). It may take some time, but even if he's not ready to give up the paci during the day now, continue to provide and encourage the use of a chewy tube or some other alternative, and in a few months time re-evaluate. By then he may have become comfortable enough with the alternative to use it while he's awake. At least that's our experience to date.

ETA: I doubt any of our kids will still need a paci in college.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My little brother was a binky in his mouth plus one in each hand until he was 3. Seriously, everytime we went to the store he knew where the binky aisle was and HAD to "look at the binky's". It was a little annoying, but super cute at the same time.

He did have language delays, but they were entirely unrelated to his binky addiction (he was adopted and his language switched while he was babbling but before he talked - which is apparently not the time to switch a child's language).

He stopped using a binky after I wrote a story in kindergarten about him and his binky.

[peachespoe]

I can't help you get over the pacifier hang up because I have it too. I went into parenthood TOTALLY against pacifiers only to have an infant with a passionate need to suck and a true aversion to riding in the car (which a paci finally helped). She wouldn't even take a paci for the first 6 weeks. She would only suck on our pinkies (but needed to ALL THE TIME, if she wasn't nursing) so when she finally took one, we were very relieved.

We were able to restrict it to naptime and bedtime by five months, but did occasionally let her use it when traveling or if she was sick.

At about 14 months she went through a stage where she wanted it all the time and would go to her crib to get it (I would have her put it back periodically). So we decided to have a special Paci box that lives at the top of her closet. Every morning we ask her to put her paci in the box and tell her the box will come out at naptime and then do the same after nap until bedtime. She has willingly gone along with this for the most part. Sometimes I have to take it from her and put it in the box myself if she doesn't after her two or three chances. We have tried to stay very consistent with this and so far, it seems to be working.

She does ask for one occasionally, but we just remind her they will come out at naptime/bedtime.

I am not sure if this would work with an older child, but maybe you could try a Paci animal/puppet who eats pacis and needs to be "fed" after naptime and bedtime...or some other playful kind of idea like that.

My friend weaned her daughter from the paci at about 21 months. She was really worried, but it ended up not being a big deal at all. She said her daughter actaully seemed happier and more confident after they weaned it. I am not there yet myself, but you could consider it. I have heard a very gentle way of weaning it is to put a hole in the tip for a few days, then cut part of the tip off for a few days, then more for a few days, then bye-bye paci. The theory is that the pleasure association with the paci is broken and then the child will actually give it up themselves rather then "take it away" from them. We will try that when its time.

[pbjmama]

Is it possible he has increased use because he is teething? Have you tried offering nursing more?

[Katie T]

I am one of those mamas who think there child will give up the bink when they are ready. My 1st got rid of it a day before she turned 4. My DD2 sucked her thumb until she is was 14 months and gave it up. Ds was my most avid bink sucker and he had to have it all the time I thought he would never give it up. Then 3 weeks ago at the age of 3 1/2 he told me at nap time he didn't want and went right to sleep. That same night his bink was still laying on the floor and I told him to grab it for bed and he said he didn't want it. He hasn't had one since!

A couple weeks before he gave them up he started chewing the nipples off so I would make him throw them away. He was also really crabby all the time and after he gave them up he was totally happy like he had been having a internal battle with it not being a comfort but it was still a habit.

Sorry this got so long but the moral of my story is that even if they are a big bink baby they will give it up when the need goes away.

[kcstar]

DS, like his father before him, has always been a binky lover. We did cut him down to primarily at nap time for a while.

Then one day while we were travelling, he opened up a pocket and discovered DH's stash of five or six binkies, and DS wanted them ALL!

Just this evening, he grabbed three- one for the mouth, one for each hand. Normally we only keep one close at hand and put the others away.

[healthy momma]

Thanks so much for the suggestions and reassurances. I am going to pay more attention to his nursing. I guess I just assumed that since he dropped the nursing sessions on his own that it must just be the time to do so. But maybe he's not completely ready to lose so much of our close cuddle/connection time. He did leave the pacifier at home today when we went to the library and didn't even ask for it until we were pulling back into the driveway. I'll just keep trying to take it as it comes. Thanks again!

[healthy momma]

I thought I would do a little update since I had a breakthrough that I thought might help others if they are ever in a similar situation. After reading all the comments from others, I told myself since I could intellectually talk myself through all the reasons I should be satisfied with the pacifier situation I decided I was going to "fake it till I make it." In other words, I just kept repeating to myself all my reasons every time I emotionally was frustrated by the situation and hoped that in time my intellect and emotions would come into line. Well, I'm not sure how long exactly that would have taken to play out but then something "magical" happened. I had very good friends to my home who started talking negatively to my son about the pacifier that was in his mouth.
In a flash I was passionately defending his right to satisfy a need that he has and that he didn't deserve to be criticized, etc. etc. I had truly made a 180 degree turn. Yeah! I'm going to try to remember that the next time I am faced with a conflict like this.

[Luke's mama]

Good for you! My Ds, 22 mos, loves his paci and has for a long time. I get negative comments about it but trust that he will give it up when he is ready--my nephew was just done one day around 3 or 4. I don't understand why people are always trying to make kids give up the things that soothe them, whether that might be nursing, a blanket, paci, whatever, in some kind of quest to make them independent? I wonder about all the self-destructive habits many of us have as adults and the way we "self-soothe" and wonder if things might have been different if our needs had been fulfilled as children.