Grandmother dying, WWYD? Bring child or no?

[snoopy5386]

I found out this morning that my grandmother is dying - she has a bowel obstruction, they've decided not to operate and are putting her into hospice instead.

I'm now trying to figure out what to do with regards to seeing her one last time. She lives 3 hours away and I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant. We're having my 4 yo's bday party (for kid friends) on Saturday - I don't want to cancel this....which means I can go up to see her tomorrow or wait until Sunday, but I'm not sure if she'll make it that long, I'm still waiting to hear from relatives.

The bigger question is whether or not to bring DD. I'm leaning towards no - she's almost 4 and has been asking a lot of questions about death/dying lately and I'm afraid this whole experience would really scare her not to mention make life much more stressful for me. Even if I did bring her, I wouldn't take her in to see my grandmother - they are not close with her (neither am I for that matter) and she is in really, really bad shape and not lucid - lots of moaning, groaning, trying to pull out tubes, etc.
My aunts and uncles (there are 6 siblings including my dad) are all falling apart - they've all flown/drove in from around the country to say goodbye and everyone is breaking down in tears constantly. I don't think it would be good for DD to see everyone like this. My DH can take off of work and stay with her here at home. I'd be gone around 24 hours.
On the other hand if I take her, I know she would bring some measure of comfort to my relatives, there will be other cousins her age there for her to play with......
But then I have the added stress of taking care of her and her needs when I need to be focusing on myself, my grandma and my family. Oh and did I mention I'm 35 weeks pregnant too?

WWYD?

[vrclay]

I'd go ASAP and leave yoru daughter at home.

[Girlprof]

Originally Posted by vrclay

I'd go ASAP and leave yoru daughter at home.

Amen to this.

[staceychev]

I don't believe in shielding 4YOs from death and dying, but the manner of the dying process is important. Based on how you described your grandmother's condition, I'd absolutely leave her home.

I'm really sorry that your family is going through this. Take care of yourself during this time... and make sure you eat enough for that babe you have. Check with your midwife, also, about traveling at 35 weeks... just in case.

[Alyantavid]

I wouldn't under the circumstances you posted.

[lonegirl]

We went through this with DH's gran (who raised him from 18m and was his legal guardian) last October. My son was just turning 3.
He went to the hospital with my DH to visit (I had to return home 8h away for work). He understood that grannie was very ill. When she passed he came with us to the wake and gravesite. He placed a perfect fall maple leaf in the hole. He understands that granny is no longer at granny's house and he refers to her as being in heart. At first he said she was in his eye (as in a twinkle in the eye).
I am very glad he was with us for all stages involved.

That being said...it is a personal choice and only you know your daughter best.

[beanma]

Yeah, I think leave the dd at home, especially if grandma and dd haven't been close. When your grandmother does pass you can revisit the idea of bringing your dd to the funeral. In my experience kids can do very well at funerals sometimes. Mine have been and done wonderfully and like you said I think they brought a lot of comfort to the bereaved. I think it's fine to leave her home right now, though.

[meemee]

you are 35 weeks pregnant. the family is falling apart. plus add a 4 year old to it. nope. not good for you.

however if you werent 35 weeks i would say take her even if she wasnt close to gma. children arent really that afraid even of moaning and groaning. she woudl totally surprise you i am sure.

however, i think you will have a lot on your hand. and stressing out over a child is not going to help YOU!!!!

take her for all the ceremonies afterwards.

and yes now or later, a child always adds something to the whole atmosphere.

[cappuccinosmom]

In that situation, I wouldn't bring your daughter.

My 3 kids did come to see their grandma one last time. It was very good, very peaceful, and it brought up questions, but I was able to answer them and there was no trauma or fear. But it was a very different overall situation than yours.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by staceychev

I don't believe in shielding 4YOs from death and dying, but the manner of the dying process is important. Based on how you described your grandmother's condition, I'd absolutely leave her home.

This plus the fact that they aren't close I think leaving her at home is preferable.

[snoopy5386]

thanks everyone - I do plan to take her to the funeral (depending on when it is), I don't want to shield her from death, but from the dying process. We've been talking a lot about death/dying lately (my other grandma's cat died last month and it sparked the death talks) and she gets very upset when we talk about it, I think seeing everyone falling apart would really traumatize her. I think I'm going to leave her home with DH.

[mamadebug]

I don't think you need to shield a child from death, but in this case, I would leave her home. She wasn't close to your grandma, the grandma would not get anything out of seeing her one last time it sounds like, the adults in your extended family aren't in a good space, and to some kids (like mine) seeing an adult moaning and groaning would totally freak them out. I don't see why you would bring her, really. If the only reasons to bring her are that she can play with cousins and she might bring a degree of comfort to the relatives - there will probably be many more chances to play with cousins and it doesn't really seem fair to her to bring her into a situation where she is the comfort to the adults.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by mamadebug

I don't see why you would bring her, really. If the only reasons to bring her are that she can play with cousins and she might bring a degree of comfort to the relatives - there will probably be many more chances to play with cousins and it doesn't really seem fair to her to bring her into a situation where she is the comfort to the adults.

If the question was, "My grandmother was dying and the only way I can go see her is if I bring DD along... is that okay?" the answer would be, "sure, take her." But since you don't need to bring her and virtually every aspect would be easier and better for both you AND DD if you didn't take her--- don't take her.

[Maggie05]

Originally Posted by staceychev

I don't believe in shielding 4YOs from death and dying, but the manner of the dying process is important. Based on how you described your grandmother's condition, I'd absolutely leave her home.

I agree with this. When my father was dying and was coherent, my children brought him comfort and took his mind off what was happening. After he fell into a coma, I thought there was no reason for them to see him that way.

[Sierra]

I am so sorry.

I have no idea what you should do, and my situation doesn't compare obviously, but for what it's worth, after asking advice on here, I did go against the grain and brought my kids with me when I put my dog down in December (she spent that entire morning shaking, so my kids saw the spiral). The kids were 3 and 4 and had a lot of questions about death. Being part of the process was really helpful to them, even if incredibly sad and painful because we were all having to help our sweet old dog die.

[minkleaf]

When my mother was dying I had to take my 21 month old with me. We spent 3 days in the hospital room with her although many friends came to take her out and entertain her. My just turned 5 year old came on the last day and clung to her father the whole time. It was good for me to have her there one last time, but she was pretty sad. They were close. In your case, I'd leave the 4 year old at home for now but definitely take her to the funeral. I think a sense of closure is good for even very young ones, instead of a loved one just disappearing never to be seen again.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by vrclay

I'd go ASAP and leave yoru daughter at home.

I agree.

: to your grandma during this time.

[snoopy5386]

Thanks everyone. I didn't end up bringing her and I'm glad I didn't. I got to my grandmother's bedside less than 2 hours before she passed away. I'm still not sure about going to her memorial service but more because it would be 6 hour roundtrip drive at 36 weeks pregnant.

[staceychev]

Snoopy, I'm so glad you got to see your grandmother one more time before she passed. I'm very sorry for your family's loss!

[mamadebug]

Sorry to hear she passed away, but am glad you were able to see her before she did.