DPs and TTC - Am I too hard on my husband?

[TheDivineMrsM]

Nothing shakes my DH. Governments can collapse, natural disasters can strike, and he would perfectly calm. Not so much with me. I'm cool and practical most of the time, but this TTC thing is hitting me hard.

For me, getting BFNs for the past six months after timing everything perfectly and no health concerns to "hold us back" hurts like hell. (I know, it's normal to take this amount of time and that others have a much longer road, but it still hurts). He shrugs, kisses me, and says we'll keep trying.

It bothers DH too, but he doesn't really express it. If he does, it's after I've been crying for half an hour and he's baffled by what to do. We had a long talk last night, and I had said that I want him to be more open with me. I know it must've sounded weird, but it helps me to manage my disappointment if I know I'm not alone.

But I also know men in general, and my DH in particular, don't handle emotion and stress that way. Am I asking too much of him by asking him to change?

[MaerynPearl]

Asking him to change would be, yes. Asking him to be more open about this one topic isn't really asking him to change though, in my opinion, its asking him to be an active part. It does not sound like you are being too hard. Demanding he get upset over it when he is still being optimistic, that would be too hard. But asking him to talk to you about the journey you are both taking and how it makes him feel (or think or anything) is just asking him to do his part.

[MNHall]

I can totally understand what you mean...but I think, like the previous person said, the main thing I'd want from my DH is to feel like I'm not alone. To feel like he too wants a pregnancy and is yearning for that day when 2 lines show. And maybe even a little bummed when AF shows.

But, on the other hand, maybe he's trying to be strong for you. Seeing you upset could be hard on him and he may want to be that strong supportive husband that tells you things will be okay. And he wants to be that rock that tells you that you will and can keep going!

Maybe talking to him and expressing how you feel a little alone with the emotional roller coaster and seeing if he's on the same page would help!

Hugs and baby dust!

[karmab]

i think you have hit on one of the (many) reasons this process can take a toll on a relationship. whenever we are upset, whatever we are upset about, i think most of us want our partners to be attuned to that and to comfort us, to be concerned, even if they arent concerned about the root cause, to be concerned because we are hurting, wrap their arms around us, kiss our foreheads, tell them they love us and reassure us that it will happen, it's just as important to them, we won't give up without a fight to the bitter end.

for the most part, i dont think a lot of us get that. a shrug and a confused look might be all you get. guys, most guys, i dont think they get this the way we do. they dont have these hormones that make us crave a baby so deeply. i know my dh wants a baby- i saw his tears in his eyes holding his newborn niece. but if it doesnt happen, he will get past it a lot easier than i will, and he will move on to the next phase of our lives.

i bet there are a lot of times you appreciate his being your rock, i know i do with my dh. if we both fall apart, we are both going to be useless. i think just remember how much that means to you, and dont ever take it for granted, and then just let him know, if this is how you feel, that you love him and appreciate him, but when you are hurting, you just need to be comforted.

[TheDivineMrsM]

Karma - that's exactly what he said when we talked again last night. That the fact that I'm hurting bothers him more than the fact that we're not pregnant yet. I do appreciate the times when he's my "rock," and he appreciates it when I return the favor.

I tried to explain to him that I don't need or want him to be a rock all the time; sometimes I need to know what he's feeling. He agreed. He says he loves me, can't wait to have a baby with me, and knows he needs to tell me that a little more often. I don't want to kill his optimism, so I need to have a little faith that this will work out for us... eventually... But in the meantime, we're ok.