"Grandma's throwing you a birthday party"

[frogautumn]

Let me preface this by saying that I have a wonderful MIL...she is kind and extremely generous, and I think it's her generosity that's causing this issue for me.

My son is turning 3 next week. My DH & I have decided not to have a big, fussy party at our house (our "bare minimum" family-only guest list comes out to be about 50 people!). We've decided that DH is going to take the day off of work, we'll go to the aquarium then have both sets of grandparents over for cake that evening. Sounds like a lovely celebration to me.

My MIL generously has a day during the week devoted to her grandkids, she minds 2 of them all day due to their parents' work schedules and anyone and everyone else is welcome to drop in or be dropped off if Mom/Dad need to run errands, have some time to themselves, etc. Most everyone winds up converging around the same time and it's a nice time for the cousins to play and the in-laws to socialize. Usually, we'll order a pizza or MIL will have an informal dinner prepared (See, I told you she's great). Sometimes, when it's a month that several birthdays fall on, we'll have a cake, put everyone's name on it, and have a low-key celebration. Since my DS and FIL's bday are both in March, I suggested that we get a cake for them a few weeks back. MIL said that was a great idea and that she'd get back to me on which specific "drop off day" that month would be best. I asked about it occasionally over the past few weeks and she always kind of brushed it off.

Yesterday, when we were all congregated, she announced that she was going to have something for [FIL and DS] this Sunday....oh, oh if that's OK with [me] (this was the first I'd heard of it). I said of course and said we could talk about how to "split the work." Again, she brushed me off. So as we were leaving, I told her that I'd be happy to do this, this, and this. She said not to worry about it. I told her that if we were celebrating both DS and FIL, I'd really like to contribute something, so please let me do this. She reluctantly agreed.

Then, as she was kissing DS good bye, she said "OK, I'll see you Sunday. Grandma is throwing you a birthday party and there are going to be balloons and presents and cake and goodies..."

Umm...this doesn't sound like the low-key celebration I originally suggested. Should I bring it up with her...or just be grateful that DS has such a loving grandmother??

[KristyDi]

I think I'd let this one go unless you have a more specific objection. You can still do the family day at the aquarium and the small family celebration that night. Maybe it could be some special time for your parents to see your DS.

It sounds like she got excited about planning for your DS and her husband and is really enjoying celebrating them. IMO it's not worth risking hurt feelings in what sounds like a great relationship.

[Drummer's Wife]

I would go with it. She sounds excited, and like a loving grandma.

[tanyam926]

I would let it go unless this is a pattern w/her and it seems like she is always trying to "one up" you and dh.

Since it doesn't sound like this is the case, I think it's perfectly understandable to be a little annoyed at first and then let it go bc you realize that she really is a wonderful gma.

Basically, look at it like this: Is saying something about this one incident worth the hurt feelings it will likely cause? Probably not.

Happy Bday to your ds!

[shelleyd]

I also have a very generous mil. She threw my dd a huge birthday party this winter. Since DD's birthday is on Christmas day, we usually celebrate her birthday in the summer. Well MIL went ahead a planned a big pool party at a hotel a week after Christmas. I wasn't real thrilled about the idea for a few reasons but I decided not to say anything. I'm so glad I didn't. My MIL LOVED throwing the party and my daughter had a blast. I know that my mil isn't always going to do things the way I like but unless it is really important and violates our family values, I try hard to keep my mouth shut. I didn't have much of a relationship with my grandparents growing up and I am so thankful that my daughters have such amazing grandparents. I try not to interefere in their relationship.

My advice is to let your mil do the party she wants. I have a feeling that you will actually enjoy watching your mil and your child have a great time at the party. Good luck.

[laila2]

I would love that

I am on the flip side, my mom is not in the position to give much due to finances and being far away.

My inlaws have lots of health issues.

I would see it as one less thing for me to do

[Smithie]

Given the larger context, let it go and be grateful. I wouldn't host a party for 50 people under any circumstances short of a wedding or a wake - but if my MIL wants to do it, hurrah!

I can see why you were annoyed, but unless you have a pattern going on where you tell her how you are planning to do something and she goes behind your back and plans the exact opposite, then just roll with it.

[lilyka]

I would let it go. If she just blew in and did this without talking to you and what not but it sounds like you guys kinda planned this and she got a little carried away (cake and presents and balloons and goodies may not be as much as it sounds. My MIL always gets a glorified cup cake and balloons for my kids and they have a little celebration together. often she invites everyonje over for supper for this. its not too far outside what she would do on a normal sunday afternoon )

[limabean]

Your MIL sounds a lot like mine -- thoughtful, loving, sweet, and every great once in a while a teensy bit overstepping. Since mine has so many wonderful qualities, I choose to overlook the stuff that bothers me -- I'm sure I do some stuff to annoy her too.

That said, I know how important your kids' birthdays are, and how you can sometimes feel like you own the right to be in charge of the celebration -- I totally get that.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I would go with it. She sounds excited, and like a loving grandma.

Exactly and after reading some of the threads about grandmas here it seems that good grandmas are sometimes hard to come by. Let her have her celebration and on his real birthday enjoy your family celebration!

[mamadelbosque]

Yeah, another vote for letting it go. Sounds like fun We're throwing DS a bday party on sunday (his 3rd bday was monday, but due to logistics and last minute-ish planning its the week after, and it'll be his first real party. I'm excited My MIL is also really awesome, and I know I was way uptight when DS1 was litler - especially the first year or two), but I've really tried to relax over the past year. I keep telling myself its not worth the stress, the hurt feelings, etc to be super picky about toys and such.

[One_Girl]

I think you should let it go. I personally hate all of the planning and craziness that goes with birthday party hosting, so I love that my dd's grandma has done it every year except one.

[eclipse]

Yep, I would let it go. If there was a pattern of her disrespecting you, or if she was trying to plan a big bash the same day you were trying to host a smaller event or something, I'd have different advice. But it seems like she juat wants to do something nice.

[eclipse]

I also want to say that, just because she's planning on balloons and goodies and gifts, it doesn't mean it won't be low key. You can have a small party with family that also includes all those things. If she was talking about a bounce house, a clown, a petting zoo, and pony rides, I'd be more worried .

[karemore]

I have a different impression from reading the OP.

I read "grandma's throwing you a birthday party" because your mother and father aren't.

I also read that this is her party, she wants to do it all and only reluctantly agreed to let you contritbute after you insisted. It also sounds like she was trying to keep it from you.

I'd have issues with this. I don't buy into the "she/he means well" mentality that excuses lack of boundaries in families.

When this all settles down in a few weeks I'd sit her down and explain that from now on you want to plan your children's birthday and other special days. Otherwise this has set precedent.

[new2this]

I see it as just let it go type thing. I personally feel people often look to far into things then need be when most of the time people mean well. Now if you have issues in the past with boundaries then yeah it could be something but if generally you don't then to me its no big deal.

[pauletoy]

I wouldn't assume grandma had any evil intentions by her comment. She's excited about her husband and her grandchild sharing a party. It sounds like she is truly wonderful and the OP depends on her for some childcare. I would let it go and let the little one have a good time. This is not something I would be willing to hurt her feelings over.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I'd let it go, especially if you really don't have to do anything!

[Minxie]

I also would just let it go. Both of my DS' grandmothers are already deceased; I'd be thrilled if he had one who was able to love him so and throw him a party.

[Starflower]

I'd let it go this time. Then afterward, I'd let her know it was appreciated and reiterate that your kid had a great time, etc (if they did) and then let her know that next year you want to make your own plans. Just so this doesn't become a habit for her.

If she really likes doing parties, maybe you could even suggest a schedule of trading off planning the celebrations each year or something.

Hope you have fun, whatever you decide. Happy b-day to your DS.