5yo and friend rejection

[LianneM]

Just wanted to post... anyone have any great advice?

Today we were in a family music class and DS wanted to play with a friend of his. She was playing with some other kids, and he is a bit shy in general, so I was encouraging him to let her know he wanted to play. I said I was sure that she'd like to play with him too, but she didn't know he wanted to play since he was in my lap.

So finally he gets his big voice and says, "I'd like to play with you!" And she said, "Well I'm playing with my other friends," and walked off.

Oh my goodness, my poor kid was crushed and to be honest, I was, too! I felt all these feelings of childhood rejection well up in myself and almost cried with him.

I made plans with her mom to do something together, just our families, and I think they are ok, but my little guy is still pretty upset about it and is asking me why she said that and hurt his feelings. I have told him that I'm sure she didn't mean to, she was having fun with another friend and that we'd play with her another day. I also said that it's important to be careful what we say to people because words can hurt feelings and we don't want to make someone feel that way.

I'm sure it happens to everyone. I just wasn't ready for that today, especially to react so strongly myself!

[plantmama]

I think this is so common but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking!
I once heard a little boy ask my ds if he liked him, when ds said yes the other boy said "Well, I don't like you." The worst part is I was so shocked that I laughed! Poor ds!
I've also heard lots of stories of kids who are friends outside of school and then one of them rejects the other one for other friends in school.
Your poor ds! Friendship is tough!

[LianneM]

Thanks for the hug!

That is so sad

The only thing close to this that I have seen was a little boy told my son his shoes weren't very cool. At the time DS was younger and didn't even understand what the kid said, but it hurt my feelings

This mothering thing is hard!

[4evermom]

The girl might not have known how to incorporate your ds into what she was playing with the other kids. She may also have thought your ds was asking her to stop playing with the other kids in order to play with him, especially if she senses he is shy and usually plays with him one on one. Sometimes a parent can facilitate a bit and give some suggestions, and sometimes that's awkward. Sorry your feelings and your ds's feelings were hurt.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by LianneM

The only thing close to this that I have seen was a little boy told my son his shoes weren't very cool.

I would have just said "but they are comfortable."

Keep in mind young kids really aren't that great at the nuances of expressing themselves. They may be into categorizing things as "cool" or "not cool" just as they do with things being "for boys" or "for girls" without meaning any real judgment.

[LianneM]

Yes, I have thought about what she may have been feeling and even at the time was able to help facilitate some. Near the end she came back over and I said "Hey, maybe you could all play together! It's fun for lots of friends to play together, don't you think?" and she agreed and he could have gone. It was too late for him though He was really crushed.

It's the *now* part I'm not sure how to handle. I guess just keep talking about it and how to avoid it in the future. He is still talking about it this morning. "Why did she say that to me? It really hurt my feelings." I have been validating that for him, as well as talking about how important it is to treat people nicely so we don't hurt their feelings.

The shoe thing was hard b/c the other boy had spiderman shoes and my son's had no character on them. That is what it was about, and it was definitely a put-down. I felt bad b/c I have tried hard to avoid characters much (though I have let that go quite a bit lately) and I felt like it was the first time I could see my own parenting decision possibly causing a social problem.

[LuckyMommaToo]

I don't see how old your DS is, but one thing to keep in mind is that as kids get older, they're less likely to ask "can I play" and more likely to hang at the edges observing and then find a way to jump in. DS is six and I've been observing this more and more.

So I agree that while it's really painful to hear "no," next time I'd work with your son on watching what they're already doing and maybe talk about what role he could have in the game.

Hope the one-on-one playdate made your son feel better.
-e

[karemore]

I've coached my DD (almost 5) not to ask if she can play when kids are already playing together. I told her she needs to just join in.

If he's shy that's hard for him, and this experience is going to make it harder next time. It's so hard when these things happen to our kids! But it's great that he's talking about it. He's processing it.

It will be good if the two kids have a chance to play alone together. He should feel much better after that.

[minkleaf]

I feel for you. I remember something similar happening when my DD1 was about 4 but with strangers. She's kind of shy and finally got up the nerve to ask some other girls at the playground if she could play and they said no. She was crushed and I was suprised. Little did I understand kid social dynamics. They may have not been being deliberately mean, but it still hurt. For awhile after that at her request I would go with her and do the asking.

Now at 6 she's the one sometimes doing the excluding and we have many talks about including everyone. Part of it she says is if it's not someone she knows, she doesn't feel comfortable playing with them.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by LianneM

The shoe thing was hard b/c the other boy had spiderman shoes and my son's had no character on them. That is what it was about, and it was definitely a put-down. I felt bad b/c I have tried hard to avoid characters much (though I have let that go quite a bit lately) and I felt like it was the first time I could see my own parenting decision possibly causing a social problem.

That's the perfect opportunity to pass along your values! Whenever we see a commercial on TV, I explain to DS that the commercial is trying to get us to buy something and we can politely say, "No, thank you!" Advertisements are just paper commercials. In either case, he will tell the advertisement "No, thank you, we don't need any houses (or perfume or toys or bills (my fav- it was a debt settlement commercial)).

You have an opportunity to explain to him why you don't buy shoes with characters on them, that some people think they are cool but your values are different. You can share your thoughts with him and provide him defenses against peer pressure at the same time.

[cowboyjunki]

I've been experiencing this a lot with my DS, who is also 5, at both our homeschool group & Mom's group, mostly involving the same friend at both. It is gut wrenching to see your child be excluded.

The other little boy wasn't there today, but DS wanted to bring a box of legos to the homeschool park day. I let him and it ended up being a great ice breaker between him and a lot of different kids that he hadn't played with before. They all played together with the legos.

I know that doesn't help your situation at all, but I wanted to let you know I feel your pain!

[lucysmom]

One suggestion: you mentioned you had encouraged him to ask to play, saying "I'm sure she'll want to play with you." Totally understand the impetus to be reassuring in advance, but I've discovered that often it works better to do the opposite, saying "you certainly can ask, but remember, sometimes kids get caught up in what they're doing and they aren't ready to switch to another person to play with or another activity." So the possible rejection to come is couched in an impersonal explanation and feels less like a personal rejection.

I try to prepare my DD with "if they don't want to, let's find something else fun to do," so she has a fallback plan.

I too had one of those kick-in-the-stomach moments a year ago when DD, then 4, approached some older girls at a playground to play. At first they were nice and sort of included her. But then they got involved in their very important 8 year old BFF scenario, and DD was a total third wheel, so they tried to ignore her. She however could not imagine that they would not want to play her game and kept calling to them by name with suggestions for what role they should play and what they should do. Finally one girl said "[NAME] (and not DD's correct name, she got it wrong), we are not playing with you." DD was CRUSHED. Watching her little face crumple was awful. I just gathered her up in my arms and told her that wasn't very nice. Then after a good cry, we discussed that they already knew each other, she sometimes plays that same way with her friends, now we can see how rotten it feels to be excluded, don't exclude others, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings, I love you, big cuddle.

Sounds like you did all of the latter communication with your DS, and that's the key -- you've given him a framework to understand it & not take it personally.

Aww. This stuff is HARD.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by LuckyMommaToo

I don't see how old your DS is, but one thing to keep in mind is that as kids get older, they're less likely to ask "can I play" and more likely to hang at the edges observing and then find a way to jump in. DS is six and I've been observing this more and more.

From my reading, this is actually the *norm* among most young children (to not ask to play, to just start playing). It is actually very common for kids who ask if they can play to get rejected, not because the other children don't want them to play but because they just can't figure out where another person would "fit" (even if to adults it seems very easy/obvious to fit another person in). BUT, if the child just starts playing along, they see they do fit and don't kick them out or anything.

This is not to say that excluding doesn't happen, but that a lot of times it is not necessarily the case.