One of us may not make it to the next birthday!

[ariatrance]

So my almost 3 yr. old has just started a huge power struggle phase. EVERYTHING is a power struggle. I am so tired, angry and frustrated to the point where I can't even think of new approaches. Food is sort of handled through playful games - I tell him not to eat his food because I'm going to eat it after I finish mine and he loves to shovel it in at that point. But I can't seem to get there with other stuff.

I am not liking the potty being a struggle. I mean, I've gotten to where I let him pee outside wherever, even the Target parking lot, just to avoid wet pants. You'd think he'd be happy, right? Nope! He will stand out there for 10 minutes with his pants down, without needing to pee, for what reason I don't know. How is that power in his mind??! Just five minutes ago, he peed on his grandpa while sitting in his lap. Not cool! I am sooooooo embarrassed.....

He will run through the house buck naked most of the time and refuse to put on clothes until I am opening the door to leave - then it becomes a tantrum. He wants to dump out every toy he has available ALL THE TIME. The living room looks like a tornado came through but I don't have anywhere else to put stuff except the attic. That's not very convenient to me - I actively avoid going up there actually.

He is so full of energy too that he can go on all day like this. The only break I get is when he goes to sleep at night (he no longer naps during the day). He is all over his grandpa right now, climbing, pushing, grabbing, really rough and we just came back from an hour at the park with a 10 minute hike to boot. What on earth?????

I just want my sweet, agreeable toddler back. I don't particularly like this hurtful, aggressive, selfish kid .....and I hate myself for even thinking that. Any helpful suggestions at all?

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by ariatrance

So my almost 3 yr. old has just started a huge power struggle phase. EVERYTHING is a power struggle....

...I just want my sweet, agreeable toddler back. I don't particularly like this hurtful, aggressive, selfish kid .....and I hate myself for even thinking that. Any helpful suggestions at all?

Choices. He's looking for some control of his life so give it to him.

"Would you like to wear the red shirt or blue shirt?"

"Would you like to pee or brush your hair?"

"Would you like to eat now or save it for later?"

As long as the choices don't interfere with the household and you are okay with EITHER decision he makes, let him choose. Life will be SO MUCH easier for you.

[ariatrance]

This probably sounds weird after my first post but he doesn't seem to understand choices. I have been asking him such things:

Which shirt would you like to wear: this one or this one? (holding both options)
Would you like milk or juice to drink?

He just blankly stares at me and keeps doing whatever he's doing without answering. I have found him mimicking me to his sister but without actually offering her choices, i.e. they'll be playing blocks and he'll ask her which shirt she wants to wear, mimicking my same question verbatim.

Maybe I'm asking incorrectly?

[Just1More]

My guy is one month older than yours, and he doesn't 'get' choices either. If I try to offer one to him, he always picks "c", which is his own creation. For example, if I ask him if he wants a red or blue shirt, he'll request his fire truck one. I gave up on choices...it was causing more grief than help.

I am very, very firm and very, very clear with ds. He is very good at asserting himself and making choices. What my ds needs is boundaries and consistency.

From your post, it sounds like if he pushes enough, you give up and he gets his way. You have to make yourself make him. You have to follow through every.time. on every. thing. And after a few weeks of you doing it, he'll get the message.

Right now, he's bossing you. And you are letting him.

Sorry if that sounds tough, but I've been there, and the only way was for me to mean business. Now I can let him have basically free reign, because he trusts what I say. We did this just after he turned two, so now, if I am consistent, it's old hat. Things come up, but he is no longer horribly defiant all.the.time. just to be that way. He has opinions, and we can talk about them, but I've made clear that we are to respect each other, and it works for us.

[my_baby_love]

I was having really similar issues with my DS a few weeks ago and posted here on MDC about it (I even feel you on the whole potty/peeing thing). My thread is here http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1194811, and I thought I received some great advice from the other mamas that spanned almost the whole GD spectrum.

I have decided that choices aren't usually the answer for us because it just gave us one more thing to fight over (my kid definitely always chooses his own "answer C" - one that is not acceptable at the time). I finally figured out that he was pushing me and pushing me to get me to set some clear, consistent (literally all the time consistent) limits. If I say no to something and then go back on it he starts pushing and pushing again. I also finally learned to be very matter-of-fact about setting the limits and not to let his fits and tantrums and screaming sway me from the boundaries. And it's really working for us. I see more and more glimpses of my sweet little boy in there and I can tell he appreciates knowing how far is far enough. Sure he still gets mad at me and he still pushes, but he knows where I stand on stuff and I feel like we aren't locked in a huge fight all the time.

I feel for you, though, mama. Isn't this parenting thing tough?

[ariatrance]

Originally Posted by my_baby_love

My thread is here http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1194811.

Isn't this parenting thing tough?

Um, if someone had told me it would be this hard, I honestly would not have had children. But I would have missed out on so many of the joys - those are just really hard to see right now.

I do wonder if it is a boundary thing. He used to just do whatever I told or asked him - but you know, he's not the same person he was even last month. He keeps growing and changing and I am not keeping up! Also, with his sister, I know I've tried poorly to treat them the same but hello, age difference! I kind of need to hold E a lot, nurse her a lot, etc. I do spend a lot more focused attention on her though I try to give G some focused time too, it is never one on one because it's always just the three of us during 90% of his awake time and Daddy never takes E very far from me because if she fusses one bit, she obviously wants my boob.

Everyone else, including my husband, treat my daughter like she created world peace and can do no wrong, then come down on my son because he's acting wild for attention. Um, duh. I get really angry that people seem to ignore the fact that I have two children but maybe I am also ignoring that in the way that they are two different people that need different approaches but the same rules. Does that make sense?

I do need to find a different approach for my really bad days (like today) when I just lose it, yell and send him to his room to wait on me to calm down and talk to him. Unfortunately I usually manhandle him into his room instead of him going in there - I can't blame him. I must be terribly scary and frightening when I turn into 'mean mommy' - but he doesn't express that directly. Maybe some of these things are indirect expression?

I think I'm rambling now. Kind, firm, consistent boundaries and rules - these are the words of the day. Ok. Tomorrow is a fresh start, a clean slate. I will try again because it's all I can do.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by ariatrance

This probably sounds weird after my first post but he doesn't seem to understand choices.

Well, then, I would probably agree that he is looking to you to set some limits and stick to them. He needs to test the boundaries of his world to be sure they are stable.

Imagine yourself dropped off into a new culture with no idea of the language or social norms. What would you do? You would start trying to figure out the world around you but would be dependent on the rules staying the same even when you test them.

Another thing you can do is to tell him what YOU are going to do, then let him figure out what he needs to do.

"I will be taking all boys who have tidied their toys for ice cream in ten minutes."

"I will be keeping (donating, throwing away) all the toys I pick up."
Yes, I did this. I threw away ONE of my son's front-loaders (I picked a cheap one) and that got him moving. Since then, he knows I mean it if I make the same statement and he will run to tidy his room.

I also use statements like "I will be glad to do X for you after you are dressed (use the toilet, eat your lunch, etc.)"
This is how my son learned to use the toilet. We spent a weekend with naked time and every time he wanted something I said, "I will be glad to make you lunch (get you a snack, turn on the television, take you to the park) after you pee in the toilet."

Lastly, I know an hour at the park with a 10min hike is enough to tire out US but I have a 4yr old boy and believe me when I say not nearly enough. We can go on a six-mile bike ride (with short breaks throughout) and he still has energy to burn. It takes about two hours of steady hiking to slow him down and even then, he'll catch a second wind.

[groovynaturemama]

so glad to see that i'm not the only one with an almost 3 y/o like this! dd has responded well to firm boundaries and natural consequences. the choice thing doesn't always work for her, especially when it comes to food or watching a movie.

[elisheva]

My ds1 generally doesn't care which shirt he wears, but he does like to do things himself. My choices are more like "do you want to put your shoes on yourself or should mommy help?" He's big into autonomy and he knows the default choice is "mommy helps" so that tends to get him moving.

May I ask why you are potty-learning already? Perhaps he's not ready? I tried a few times with ds1 before dd was born (he was 34 months-ish) and it was a nightmare. I put him back in dipes and waited till dd was almost 2 mo old and it was literally a breeze. I know potty learning is diff for every kid but I really believe that it's one power struggle you just don't want to get into. My friend insisted on training her dd at 18 months. Her dd is now *3.5* and still doesn't poop reliably on the potty and they have MAJOR power struggle issues.

[Just1More]

If you think he's having at tough time with the baby taking his mama away too much, I'd try explaining it to him.

I love you SO much, I do this, and this, and this with you. When you were a baby I did that, and that, and that.

Now that we have another baby, I do this and this and this to tell the baby I love her. I still love you, too. That's why I do that and that and that with you.

I know it's hard to wait sometimes, but we loved you SO much, we did it for you, and we love the baby SO much we will do it for her.

Not all at once, but frequent comments about why you do what you do, and why (and ways he can see HOW) you still like him may go a long way towards righting any injustice in his mind.

[Violet2]

More practically, re: the peeing, to me the natural consequence is he has to wear a pull up or diaper until he's willing/able to control himself.

The consequence of him not following the pling protocol should not be nothing, kwim? It sounds like he pees when and where he wants to and you tolerate it hoping he'll somehow magically cooperate (at least that's what I got out of your post). I would start out explaining that not using the potty will mean wearing a diaper. Then give him a chance to control his behavior and if he can't the pull up/diaper comes back.

Also, it could be a regression b/c of the new sibling. Maybe he needs to go back a few steps for a while.

Good luck! Energizer toddlers are tough.

V

[savithny]

Originally Posted by ariatrance

This probably sounds weird after my first post but he doesn't seem to understand choices. I have been asking him such things:

Which shirt would you like to wear: this one or this one? (holding both options)
Would you like milk or juice to drink?

He just blankly stares at me and keeps doing whatever he's doing without answering. I have found him mimicking me to his sister but without actually offering her choices, i.e. they'll be playing blocks and he'll ask her which shirt she wants to wear, mimicking my same question verbatim.

Maybe I'm asking incorrectly?

No, you're not necessarily asking incorrectly. Some 3yos just don't get "if/then" or "this or that" choices yet. And that is fine, and there is nothing wrong with them!

And I can guarantee that you'll get all kinds of people from across the discipline spectrum who will be condescending and dismissing if you say that and will haughtily imply that you're doing it wrong. "Just give him choices!" they'll say. "Explain that FIRST you do X, THEN you do Y!"

Um, no. And there is nothing wrong with my kid's brain, at all. He's bright and verbal and very good at logic -- now!

At 3.5 if you asked him "Shirt A or Shirt B?" when he was resisting getting dressed, the answer would be "NO!!!"

If you said "Do you want to pee now or go in the store?" the answer would be "PEE NOW AND GO IN THE STORE!"

For my kid, at that age, choices were overwhelming, and if I offered choices after a freakout, meltdown, or power struggle had already begun, it just made things worse. We just had to make a decision, state it, and work with him on the consequences of that. We could talk about the choices or if/thens *later*, but not in the moment.

[ariatrance]

Originally Posted by Violet2

More practically, re: the peeing, to me the natural consequence is he has to wear a pull up or diaper until he's willing/able to control himself.

To me, this sounds like punishment. I'm not willing to punish my child for not being completely able to control his bladder at age 2. He is ready to use the potty, has been using it every once in awhile anyway before I switched him to underwear. He has 2 to 3 misses on 'bad' days and none to 1 on 'good' days. I don't think this means in any way that I should put him back in diapers.

Yesterday, I sat him down and made him look in my eyes while we talked about the potty. I told him that I didn't know when he needed to pee or poop but he did. He was a big boy and knew just when to use the potty, so I would leave it up to him. If he wanted my help on the potty or changing his clothes after an accident, I certainly would. He said okay and went about his business. He willingly went to the potty he needed to go - NO misses yesterday - and he seemed to respond really well to me not hovering and continually asking if he needed to pee.

Looking at what I wrote there, I can see some of the problem.

I guess I wasn't clear in my posts but my daughter is 1. I'm pretty sure he's used to her by now. After yesterday and most of today, trying to be firm, consistent and kind about the rules, he does seem to respond better. I guess he can hear hesitancy in my voice, see doubt in my eyes and thus responds accordingly. Reading the article about the continuum concept in the other thread - whoa! Eye opener. That makes a lot of sense and seems to be exactly what G is responding to.

So it looks like I need to get off my butt and be a more active parent, rather than a passive parent.