5 yo ds way too rough for 1 yo dd

[tommom]

My ds is will be 5 in a matter of weeks. He loves his sister dearly, often too much. He needs to be constantly on her, touching her, pulling, even hitting her. To be fair I have never seen him do any of this to actually hurt her though he often does. He is just much bigger. We have yet to find a way to stop it. We have taken away privileges (tv, staying up later, dessert) and have removed him from the situation by sending him to his room. He definitely gets jealous of her-the attention she gets and needs I guess- but I would say that is cause for about 5% of the behavior whereas the simple lack of control seems to be the other 95%. I noticed a few weeks ago that when he was with his boy cousins around his age that all they wanted to do was wrestle and rough play. We don't see them very often and he doesn't have any boys he plays with regularly. Having grown up in an all girl household I never witnessed this before. Is this just simply a stage he needs to go through? Should I try to find ways for him to get this physical stuff out more often? I mean he runs and plays all day but is there something about that physical contact that he needs? Any thoughts what to do here?

[annekevdbroek]

I grew up in an all-girl household and now have two boys age 3 and 6. THey are extremely physical. They wrestle and push, shove, climb, pull, etc. on each other *CONSTANTLY*. It does not stop and it drives me nuts and the small one gets hurt more than the big one - but one of them gets hurt on a daily basis (nothing major - just bumps and tears). This kind of play was also strange to me having grown up with only girls.

A couple ideas :
1. Find safe ways for your son to play with your daughter that are still physical, and that you can supervise. E.g. a bean bag or pillow toss (not at her head please!), rolling balls or trucks down a slope, etc. Supervise closely and redict immediately if things start to escalate.
2. Find lots of physical outlets for your son - playdates with other boys, gymnastic classes, time at the park, etc.

What you describe to me is very typical young boy play. The problem lies in the size differential between your children, and your son needing an appropriate outlet for his energy.

[Marsupialmom]

I would find ways for him to be rough and tumble. Do you ever rough house with him? Or his other parent?

I would encourage you to read "The Wonder of Boys" or/and "Raising Cain".

Also, your little one doesn't always need to be protected. There is nothing wrong with her learning to be rough and tumble. I know she is little but you might be surprise how much she likes it. Especialy if you teach your son how to do things gently.

[cheenya]

I'd be careful about blaming too much of this on his being a boy. I think children in general tend to be physical. I had the same sorts of problems when DD was 4 and DS1 was 1 as I do now when DS1 is 4 and DS2 is getting close to 1yr. That said, I also think it sounds typical.

A few more ideas
Provide lots of ideas/places/ways for safe and gentle physical contact.
DS1 knows he should not pick up his baby brother, but that doesn't always stop him. So, I taught him to hold the baby safely (ie. pick up from under the arms, not around the neck and always watch out for the head). While doing so I kept remembering pictures of very young third world children toting their infant siblings about. Having DS1 partner in the care of DS2 helps a lot too.

Sometimes when DS1 starts playing with baby in a way that is too physical, I'm pretty certain it is the physical contact/ attention he is wanting, and so I will take DS1 into my lap and hold him. Sometimes we will keep playing with baby, sometimes I will get both him and baby in my lap, sometimes we will shift focus and read a book.

Finally, with both my older children, what they eat has a huge influence on how well they can control their physical tendencies. It can be worth paying attention to.

[tommom]

Thanks everyone. Your words confirmed what I was already thinking- he is a totally normal 5 yo boy. I am really going to try to make a big effort to get him some playdates-it's tough we live in rural Maine, a half hour from "town". He does take a swim class and I am looking into some other tumbling, tae kwon do, stuff as well. I think the weather warming up will be a big help too. The more time outside the better! I liked the ideas that you had of providing safe physical play time for him and his sister. I think I may try that today with lots of pillows, blankets, soft toys, etc. The Wonder of Boys has been on my to-read list for a while. I was waiting for a coupon to the bookstore but I may just have to break down and get it this weekend. Thanks!