How to handle this - she tells me every.single.thought she has

[amcal]

My soon to be 7 year old has a need to tell me every.single.thought she has. Sometimes it's nothing more than this person did this, this person said that, I dropped my pencil in class, I tripped on a rock etc..... on and on and on and on........

This was a big problem a couple years ago when she would say unkind things like "I just can't help thinking I don't like your hair" and it escalated to "I can't stop thinking that I don't love you anymore".

I finally told her these things hurt my feelings and that I did not need to know every single thought she had. We talked about how it's normal for fleeting thoughts to come into our mind - negative thoughts - but that we did not need to verbalize these thoughts. We could just let them go.

So, that worked for a while.

Until recently. It's started all over again. And, I don't think I'm handling it well. It's really starting to irritate me. I'm tired of hearing how she thinks this person looks old, or weird because they're bald etc....

Yesterday she felt the need to tell me that a blouse that I had on that she previously said she liked she has now decided she doesn't like and it doesn't look good on me.

Today she told me about a substitute teacher who kept making mistakes and she just kept thinking how old the teacher is and that's why she's not smart.

I'm at a total loss.

I've told her that it is totally normal to have random thoughts about people - thoughts that aren't so nice. We all have them. But, there is no reason to express those thoughts out loud if you think they are unkind or could be hurtful.

But, she just doesn't get it. She has such a need to tell me every single thought she has. Every day after school we have to have "bathroom privacy" where we go into the bathroom so no one else can hear us and she tell me every little, insignificant detail of every event that she thinks happened to her.

She has a huge victim mentality so all the "poor me" droning on and on is enough to drive me batty.

So, I guess there are two issues - the need to detail every single perceived insiginifcant slight (so and so brushed against me, my teacher asked me to work on coloring in the lines, I didn't get to read my story, my teacher didn't call on me, so and so didn't answer me when I said hi) and her need to express every negative thought she has about people.

Edited to add that part of my concern is that these are thoughts she's holding on to all day. I don't understand having these thoughts (which we all have fleeting negative thoughts) and then holding on to them all day to tell me about them when she gets home from school. What is causing her to hold on to these thoughts and think about them over and over all day?

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Any thoughts?

[sbgrace]

When I was your daughter's age I did something similar to your daughter (though for me it was a few select thoughts that I felt I needed to keep telling her). In my case it was OCD though we didn't know that for years later. I don't know if that is applicable to your daughter based on what you wrote. If the has to is she really has to vs. she likes to tell you every little thing you might look into the possibility.

[Shellie]

This also sounds like me as a kid, though my mom didn't seem to mind. She actually seemed to encourage it, which I don't really get. But anyway, OCD is what came to my mind too, upon reading it. She must be unable to let these things go (I was like that...super-sensitive and noticed little things most people wouldn't even think about) and then needs to unload them somehow. Maybe unloading them helps her let them go. It also sounds like maybe she has a glass-half-empty personality...that might just be her nature but I think maybe there would be ways to help her deal with how she sees/feels the world.

[Tjej]

Could she journal? Write the thoughts down so she could get them out, and you can her could talk about her journal entry for the day at a certain time each day (after supper, before bed, etc.)?

I don't have experience with this specifically, but for me I can let go of thoughts that are running around in my head if I write them out.

HTH

Tjej

[meemee]

oh boy i have the reverse problem. i get almost nothing from my usually talkative 7 year old.

can you take out time in your day to just sit down and talk to her. and then tell her to save it up for that time so you can take care of other things.

[amcal]

You know Meemee - that's a really good idea. I think I'm going to tell her when she wakes up this morning that I want to set aside time for us to talk every day after school. That this will be her special one on one time where she can tell me anything she needs to talk about.

I'm going to tell her that it's a set date so she doesn't have to worry about remembering every single thing that happens because we'll be sure to meet to talk every day.

My hope is that if she feels secure that she'll be able to have time with my complete attention that she won't feel the need to go over and over and over everything that happened to her during the day to store it up to tell me. I don't know if that reasoning is logical - maybe it will make her store more and more things? I don't know but, it's certainly worth a try.

As far as the OCD, I don't see OCD behaviors in any other way. She does have sensory issues that she struggles with and she's on the immature side. But, I've not noticed any other OCD behaviors. But, I will keep that in the back of my mind to be on the look out for.

[amma_mama]

I like the idea of journaling, too. Perhaps she can journal first, whether in words or drawings or a combo, depending on her current abilities/preferences, then talk to you afterwards? That may encourage her to "filter" through the events of her day and focus the conversation on those that are most pressing in her mind.

Regarding the negativity, it is probably a personality trait...maybe provide regular examples of how things would go differently looking at it from another perspective. Again, it probably won't change who she is deep down, but will give her different coping mechanisms- and we can all benefit from applying a different perspective to our perceptions about life. Also, she may feel a need to share with you, her most trusted person, things that she knows that she cannot say to others (about their looks, etc.) - while it would annoy me to hear those things, it is better that it is you than an unsuspecting fashion victim. I would just continue to remind her that it is unkind to judge people in this way and how sad she would feel if somebody said such things about her.

[LynnS6]

In addition to setting aside every day to talk and journaling, you might think about getting her a digital recorder. That way, when she feels she has to say something, she can record it into the digital recorder and then go back later and write it down in her journal if she wants. 7 year olds often have a hard time with journaling because their minds work a lot faster than they can write. Being able to record something for later playback to jog her memory might make that easier.

[amcal]

Thank you so much for the suggestions!

I talked to Dd about our having special time in the evenings to talk and she loved the idea.

I also asked her if she thought it would be helpful to have a journal to get her feelings out. I told her it could be her private journal or we could talk about it together but the purpose is to give her a place to express her feelings so she doesn't have to hold on to them all day - she can just get them out on paper. She loved this idea and even said she thinks it will really help her to write things down and then slam the book closed so she can "break" the memories and not have to hold on to them. She said breaking them will help them just wash away.

So, I gave her a journal and she was super excited. I did talk to her about how she can draw pictures of her thoughts if she can't get all the words out on paper. She was very, very positive about our plan when she left for school this morning. Fingers crossed!

[amcal]

Originally Posted by amma_mama

- while it would annoy me to hear those things, it is better that it is you than an unsuspecting fashion victim. I would just continue to remind her that it is unkind to judge people in this way and how sad she would feel if somebody said such things about her.

Ok, this totally made me giggle. Thank you for that. And for the advice. I appreciate it!