Is going to 50/50 beneficial? If you do it, how?

[grisandole]

Currently my ex has ds2 about 35% of the time: every weekend and half of the summer. He is adamant that if/when he can move to our area we immediately go to a 50/50 schedule alternating weeks.

I really don't know if this is in ds2's best interest. He is very comfortable with the way things are....weeks with me, weekends with dad. His older brother (different dad) lives solely with me and they have a very strong bond. His brother is turning 18 in the fall and likely will be going into the military shortly after that.

Personally, I think that flip-flopping weeks will be disruptive in terms of school and such...keeping track of everything, coordinating who takes him when, activities, etc. Ex really wants the every other week so that it is a "true" 50/50 and so that he can feel like a "real parent" (his words) and cut child support (his words, too). He has also told me repeatedly that he wants MORE than 50/50, he wants to be the primary parent. So while I want what is best for ds2, I also am leery that this will lead to more trips to court.

I am going to take ds2 to a therapist and hope to get some input from them. I know that some kids do great with that type of situation, and perhaps he would be one of them, but in my gut I don't think so. He is used to me as the primary caregiver and this being his home..yk? I don't really see a benefit to changing things.

Advice?

[walking burp cloth]

My dd is 9 and we do 50/50 between her dad and I. She is in school monday through thursday, and so whose ever week it is, they pick her up from school on thursday. We have been doing 50/50 for about 3 years now, and it wasn't until this school year that we started doing the switch on the last day of school for the week. We were doing it on monday, but that ended up being too stressfull for all of us, as there was not any adjustment time. Now we have the weekend to get "reaquainted" and for dd to get re adjusted before the business of the school week catches up with us.

Our schedule is about 35/65 in the summer time though. I work part time, and I can bring my children to work and dd's dad is working full time and cant be availible to dd as I can, so we switch it up during summer time. We try to be real flexible with each other though, so if they want to see each other or do something special during my time, we work it out. It goes both ways like that.

Things are often hard to keep track with all the back and forth. I can't imagine how unsettling it must be on kids. DD will sometimes complain of this, but the other day she told me that she likes having 2 homes. I think it really depends on how consistant each home can be, and if you can talk with your ex and find some things that are consistant between the 2 homes, I think this is really helpful. Just so your dc knows there are some things she/he can count on.

My ex had the same motivations for wanting more time with dd that yours has, and I fought for a long time against it. But, dd and her dad have an awesome friendship/relationship that I don't think could have come out of him being just a weekend dad. Also, because my ex saw that I was willing to work with him and give a little, his and I's relationship has improved as coparents. And I really believe this is a huge gift to dd as she sees us able to work together and figure out life and future issues together.

It is a hard choice to make, and I can't say that it is whats best for my dd. It is hard to say. Although, I would hate to take away the friendship they have. My dd was very used to me being the primary caregiver also. It took a little while but she started to sleep better at her dads, and at one point wanted to go home to HIM and not me!! It took a while, but we have gotten into a rhythm.


I have a 2 yr old ds also, and when he was first born, dd had a really hard time leaving her brother!! not me!!

sorry if this is a little rambley.... feel free to ask me anything. This has been such a learning experience in my life, and it has been hard.... but we are making it work.

[meemee]

the benefit may not be apparent immediately, but it is there.

we seperated when dd was 18 months old. we slowly transitioned into overnights and 50/50 after dd turned 3. this was all due to child support reasons.

initially dd had a hard time. she called the shots so she was asking more of me and less of her dad. so her dad got smart and after a few tries started bribing her. he is a good fun dad who just cant be there emotionally for dd.

and it paid off. ex has really bonded with dd. we do 50/50 but in reality it is more 70/30 in favour of me. for instance sunday evening she goes to her dad. on monday afternoon i pick her up. then her dad picks her up from school on tuesday. we go back and forth like this till on friday i pick her up and keep her for the weekend till sunday evening.

however all this is flexible. ex is borrowing dd for saturday morning so that she can go to a play with his girlfriend. in a couple of weeks friday afternoons i will have class so most of the time ex will pick up dd.

this works for our family mainly coz ex is not an intuitive dad and struggles to be a parent. he is extremely rigid and to the point, yet he is a good dad and tries his best. he had to spend time with dd to truly bond with her. however dd was also happy to go over and see him. he can handle her at short busts,

today those days of bonding has really helped. last night ex helped dd with her nails. he put nailpolish on her nails and then put stckers on them hem.

what is the right schedule for you all will take a while to get used to.

[Marsupialmom]

I think it is great that dad is wanting to take more part of his son's life.

I think the benefits are there. I do think he and you need to be flexible. It sounds like he is excited by the prospect of being with his child more. Plus not having the day in and day out planning and actually logistics might be clouding judgement.

If you live closer, remind him those little things can be done by both of you. More time might not be every other week. But more often in day to day routines. Like picking up from school, going to school activities, participating in his activities, et.

So I wouldn't rush to his idea, but I would defiantly be increasing his parenting opportunities.

[Goodmom2008]

Is 50/50 beneficial? That depends on the child. For my kids, it would not be beneficial. You need to look at your child and go from there.

My ex has the kids every other week-end and my kids are doing very well. When he had a different work schedule and had them 3 days every during the summer, the kids didn't do so well. But they did like that there were no overnights during the school year.

[pranamama]

do you have a choice, or is it time to pay an attorney and fight for your time. I would take the primary parent thing he said as a threat and gear up for a fight but you know your ex best.

[grisandole]

He is absolutely going to try to get primary custody eventually...going to 50/50 is part of his plan...he has told me so much.

We go to mediation in late May and to court in June.

I am not necessarily against him doing more of the day to day...providing he moves up here...I agree with what one of the pp's said about doing the routine stuff. However, ex is ADAMANT about the every other week thing...not open to alternatives.

I have until May to figure out what I think is best and why (the mediator will ask).

Thanks, keep them coming!

[pranamama]

good luck! I would wonder why he's out of town now, I don't know who moved away though.

[PoppyMama]

Unless I had a very good working relationship with my x and it was clearly a good fit for my child I don't think I would agree to that. On the other hand I would be really bummed out to not have any weekend time (if my child was in school/I worked a traditional schedule).

[walking burp cloth]

Originally Posted by grisandole

He is absolutely going to try to get primary custody eventually...going to 50/50 is part of his plan...he has told me so much.

We go to mediation in late May and to court in June.

I am not necessarily against him doing more of the day to day...providing he moves up here...I agree with what one of the pp's said about doing the routine stuff. However, ex is ADAMANT about the every other week thing...not open to alternatives.

I have until May to figure out what I think is best and why (the mediator will ask).

Thanks, keep them coming!

It is good you have a mediator then. It doesn't matter who is adamant about what, a mediator with help both party's give a little. And I may be wrong, but I don't think a mediator would switch full custody from one parent to the other. I think they would help you find a middle ground to work in. Is there any reason you are worried he may get full custody?

Is he planning on moving closer to you?

[grisandole]

He is planning on moving, which isn't the wisest idea with the economy (giving up a tenured teaching job to become an new hire in a new district, not so bright). Currently he lives about 90 miles away...he has a house there and an apartment near me for his 35% of parenting time.

[dziwozony]

I have a difficult X who would love to be the primary parent- he's been very upfront about that since my boys were tiny babies. Obviously this has been a major point of conflict between us! He would never settle as a "weekend dad" and our mediations have been tense (I moved out in November).

Sometimes I feel like I should just be grateful that my boys (3yo & 15mo) have a dad who is so passionate about parenting them. He's got his issues (the relationship was toxic), but amazingly seems to do well as a dad. And they *love* him. As in, when he arrives they leave me behind in a cloud of dust & are never sad about me leaving! I know we have a good relationship, but they're really into him too.

So I understand how scary it is when an X keeps threatening to fight for primary custody. Right now I still have the boys for the majority of the time & have managed to postpone overnights until DS2 is 18mo (which was not easy!), but after August I can see us quickly slipping into more of a 50/50 schedule.

It's not ideal for me at all! It's really hard for me to have them away from me for a few days at time. But I think it's good for them. So you just have to tune into your childs relationship with their dad & figure out if they would choose 50/50. My 3yo will ask me to take him to his dad's while he's with me, so I know he enjoys his time there & misses him when he's away.

[grisandole]

See, that's my problem...I can't get an accurate read on if my ds2 truly wants to be with his dad more. He really likes the current setup....he has told me that more than once and when I've asked (in a broad, general type way so I don't make him feel like he has to choose or tailor his answer to me) he says he wants things to stay the same.

According to the ex, ds2 tells him that he wants to do the every other week thing. But I know that ds2 would never have brought it up (he is seven, he wouldn't think about that). I'm sure that if ex asked "hey, do you want to do every other week" ds2 probably did say "sure"....

Ex is not a bad parent. But he is more of a playmate than a parent if that makes sense.

[dziwozony]

Honestly, if your X is not a bad person & you don't have have solid reasons that he shouldn't be a 50/50 parent, then if you took it to court he would get at least that much for a 7 year old. You could fight it, but if you're feeling indecisive because you don't actually have strong reasons just more of an intuitive feeling, then you probably won't be able to hold your ground.

So if you look at it that way, you could ease into 50/50 or you could fight against it & still end up with 50/50. With the first scenario you'll feel like you have more control over the situation & are more likely to feel okay with it than if you are forced into it. I'm not trying to sound negative! It just seems thats how it usually goes.

Definitely have your child visit a therapist & get feedback that way. Definitely share your concerns & see if you can work out an arrangement that can change if things aren't working out.

If other parents have a different experience, please chime in! i'm very new with all of this.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008

Is 50/50 beneficial? That depends on the child. For my kids, it would not be beneficial. You need to look at your child and go from there.

My ex has the kids every other week-end and my kids are doing very well. When he had a different work schedule and had them 3 days every during the summer, the kids didn't do so well. But they did like that there were no overnights during the school year.

Same here. My two girls (ages 7 & 2) see their dad EOW, two non-consecutive weeks in the summer, and we alternate holidays.

My ex felt (feels) that the kids deserve one home base & one primary caregiver. He too is a bit of a 'Disney dad' (no insult intended) and enjoys spoiling them and playing the role of 'good guy' EOW. He doesn't mind leaving the heavy lifting to me.

If you don't want to go 50/50 (even if your ex is 'adamant' that he eventually wants sole custody) fight it tooth and nail. What do you have to lose? Everyone here saying that he'll 'eventually' get it - not necessarily true.

The courts are (typically) loathe to upset the status quo, unless there's a damn good reason for it. Just because your ex wants 50/50 or primary custody - doesn't mean he has a snowball's chance in hell of getting it. Does it sometimes go that way? Yeah... Doesn't mean you have to roll over and play dead.

Also, if you feel (in your gut) that this isn't the best arrangement for your ds (not sure how old he is) don't allow yourself to be brainwashed/bullied into it. Follow your instincts - they're usually right.