relationship with your partner while caring for babe

[pranava]

My DS is 11 months and requires A LOT of my time and attention. I'm sure you all know how it is. Last night my partner said "I don't ask for much. I just want more of your time and attention" I know we have much less time for each other than before DS. I have been trying hard to think of ways to give us more alone time, but when this was actually said aloud, I was hurt and angry. I don't know how to stretch myself thinner. I don't get any Me time either.

How do all of you keep your relationship with your spouse/partner going strong?

[akind1]

We bond a lot over the baby (well, he is our first!) but we also try to take advantage of DS's sleep times to talk. We don't cuddle much - or do much more than that. - this is an aspect we need to work on, but like I've told DH, if he is not in bed when I get there, forget it, b/c I'm asleep in 10 minutes or less! - It hasn't helped that DH has been kinda sick off and on for the last few weeks.

Even if it is just for an afternoon, do you have anybody you can trust to leave DS with so you can get some one on one time with your partner? or just some me time? It doesn't need to be overnight, or even dinner, but any time you can snatch is valuable.

[Lacrymosa]

Try and do something just the two of you once every week or two weeks. I know that can be difficult if you don't have a sitter you trust with your baby, though... but it's so good for both of you to get at least SOME time alone together once in awhile. If you have no sitter you could just pick a night each week where you do something together like watch a movie after the baby goes to sleep..

I know it's hard, I feel like I have no me time either. You should also make time for yourself, see if he can watch the baby once in awhile for a couple hours so you can go out on a walk, do some hobbies, or go out to a movie with friends... Me and my sister went to see a movie last week, and it was so nice and refreshing to be out on my own for a bit.

[Carhootel]

hugs mama. I can relate. Sometimes I try to remind myself that even when it's "work" to be a loving and generous wife that it's necessary, like brushing your teeth, it's maintenance. Marriage maintenance. Also, when I am able to shell out some love and attention to dh then he is more giving and loving and we start a positive cycle of love and attention that keeps us both afloat. Sometimes you just have to go through the motions even if your heart isn't it, my heart usually catches up and I end up feeling happy too. Good luck!

ETA: I also try to think ahead a little to things I can or will do so that I don't feel caught up in stuff like cooking dinner, doing laundry etc and then try to give dh some attention. I think ok... tonight I'm gonna cook dinner, put ds to bed, take 30 minutes to myself and then give dh at least 30 minutes of... backrub? talking? snuggles? etc...

[akat]

I would probably suggest to him ways that he could help with baby/household tasks, therefore freeing up some of your time and attention.

[AndtheStars]

Now that the weather is finally getting nice, DH and I have been taking walks with DS which gives us time to talk without having to do anything for DS but push the stroller. Prior to the walking, the only time we had alone together was the 45-1 hour between when DS went to bed and I went to bed. This time was usually taken up with cleaning, pumping (me), laundry etc with quick snatches of conversation thrown in. I totally understand your hurt/angry reaction. I feel like I'm the only thing standing between my family and chaos and to have someone ask something else of me would throw me over the edge. I understand too though that DH would rather feel like a partner and helpmate (lets bring back this word ) than something else on my to-do list. I try really hard when I do give him my undivided attention not to make it seem like he's one more thing I'm crossing off my list. The whole thing is a very tricky balancing act. Good luck, Mama! There's a bunch of us right there with you!

[Adallae]

Originally Posted by akat

I would probably suggest to him ways that he could help with baby/household tasks, therefore freeing up some of your time and attention.

I try to remind DH that if he would take the baby for a walk on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, or empty the dishwasher consistently at night, or put away a load of laundry, I would be happy to return the favor . A little bit of help from him goes a long, long way.

Our problem is that we have different needs. I need him to help me around the house in order to feel like giving him special attention. He needs that attention to feel motivated to help. We're still working on understanding and letting go of our frustration. It's hard now, but I think in the end our relationship will be stronger for having to work through this.

[Abraisme]

Both of our kids have a set bedtime and everyone is asleep by 8:30 (they're 7mo and 6yo). We take that time to snuggle on the couch, watch a show, make out, etc. I have realized that if I take 15-20 minutes to "satisfy" my husband that he's a lot happier, connected and works harder. Also, I don't expect my DH to do any of the household chores. He works about 50 hours a week so that I can stay home and really hates to clean. It's all going to depend on your personal situation, but for us we have a clear division of labor. I do think it's realistic to get your chores done during the day and leave the evening time to dote on your DH. Your relationship is really important and worth making time for.

[starling&diesel]

Hi pranava ... The way your partner stated her needs would've got my back up too. Something more along the lines of, "I know we're both stretched to the limit, but I'd love it if we could figure out ways to reconnect more often. I miss you!" would've been a LOT more helpful, I think. That might be a discussion for another day, when you're both rested and happy and sated.

As for how DP and I "renew the woo" ... we DTD often enough that both our needs are met. We set a date, and do it. It's agreed that if either of us aren't feeling totally into it, we mess around anyway, and guaranteed, we both end up having a great time.

On a day to day basis, she cooks, I clean, which balances the housework. She takes DD swimming on one of her mornings off so I can have some alone time, which makes me a happier person. She takes charge of DD in the evening so I can have a bath and read for an hour, which also makes me a much happier mama. For her, I take care of the household details, bills, appointments, etc, which is a load off her plate. I say all this, because it does help us have more space and time and energy to attend to each other.

We like hanging out with DD and are very attached to our bedtime nursing routine, so we haven't been on a true night out kind of date, but we do have "daytes" (daytime dates) where my mom or sister will look after DD and we'll go out for coffee and play bananagrams and a walk. Cheap and cheerful!

I encourage DP to take time for herself to recharge, and we both take responsibility for making sure we don't get to the end of our prospective ropes before doing something to recharge.

Take care, hon!