Differences in attractiveness of children? - Page 3

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

Here's my fear: if she's not as beautiful as her brother, how will this affect her?

As long as she is loved for who she is I doubt she will have a problem with her looks. Not unless she is just born an insecure child. The biggest issue IMO is placing so much emphasis on somebody being beautiful just because they are capable of modeling and making money. There are many beautiful people who do not model. Stop placing so much emphasis on outside beauty.

One of your children models and has been modeling for a while. IMO, all children will do different things in life. My oldest plays guitar and likes art. My next oldest likes music in a different way and doesn't prefer to play instruments but is more in to dance and gymnastics. I guess the third one will have her own things too. They all have different dispositions as well. Try not to worry. It will be fine.

[Smokering]

Been there, done that, bought the ill-fitting T-shirt which looked better on my sister.

I'm one of six girls, and we're of varying levels of attractiveness... but my oldest sister was and is gorgeous. People commented All. The. Time. At Uni, where I ended up doing almost the same degree she'd done two years previously, lecturers would say "Oh, you're ---'s sister? I had no idea! You don't look anything alike! She's so pretty!" Uh, thanks.

I think I was hyper-aware of any favouritism my parents showed because of the comments of strangers. They probably didn't say much about it, but I felt like they did, you know? I also had issues with my next oldest sister, who was very skinny. Looking back she was scarily, skeletally skinny and my parents were always worried about her and trying to fatten her up. But at the time I was ashamed whenever people would comment on her weight, because I felt it was a reflection on mine. I tried to eat less so I'd be as skinny as her, and I hated having underwear in a bigger size than hers (of all the things to obsess over!). The funny thing was, I was NOT a chubby kid. I just had this idea in my head that being "fatter" than your older sister was the worst thing that could possibly happen.

To be honest, I'm not sure how they could have handled it differently. It wasn't their fault my sister was prettier than me; it wasn't their fault strangers commented; it wasn't really their fault that if I overheard them saying "--- is so pretty" I took it like a knife to the heart, because that wasn't a particularly rational response of mine and who'd have predicted it? So sadly, I don't have any solution to your worries. Life isn't fair. If your daughter does turn out homely people will notice, and they will make stupid or hurtful comments. And whether or not she's affected by it will be largely outside your control, because it depends on her personality as much as anything. It sucks, but that's the way life is. (And to further be a downer, she may not end up gorgeous after the "awkward phase" either. Not everyone does. I look better at 23 than 13 because I'm somewhat cluier about hair and clothes, but no quantity of cheekbones I might magically acquire in my 30s will turn me into model material. I'd need some radical facial restructuring that age doesn't tend to impart! I think the whole "If you're ugly as a child you'll be a pretty adult thing" can be really heartbreaking for those who stay plain.)

[expecting-joy]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

I'm not sure where to put this so mods you can move if you have to.

I'm having a little anxiety over something that might never be an issue, but I'm worried nonetheless. I'm also going to try to word this properly so bear with me.

DS is 2.5 and he's reallly over the top beautiful. He models and books a ton of jobs and already has a nice hunk of change saved up for himself. Everywhere he goes people comment on his looks and to top it off, he's also a very kind sweet agreeable child. We got lucky I guess.

Well I'm pregnant with a daughter and she's due in a few months.

Here's my fear: if she's not as beautiful as her brother, how will this affect her? And here's the reason for my fears...I've seen it. I've seen families fuss and fuss over the "beautiful" kid and never give the same attention to the other one. Or I"ve seen strangers come up and comment and fuss over the beautiful one and not even cast a glance at the other child. It hurts the other one SO CLEARLY and yet nobody notices. (FYI-I'm more concerned about extended family and friends and starngers, not us...we'll love them both and fuss over them equally of course, ) Heck, DH's own family does it to his neice. One of DH's neices is stop-traffic beautiful. The other neice is perfectly lovely, but yes, to be honest her sister is simply stunning. EVERYONE talks openly about how beautiful neice #2 is IN FRONT OF #1. It's been going on as long as I've known DH- 10 years. I can think of at least 4 other families throughout my lifetime that had the same thing going on.

Personally, I don't like to focus on looks. I've struggled in the past with ED's and looks are not something I want either child to think much of. (The modeling will come to a stop when DS is old enough to understand what it can mean socially if you know what I mean, right now all he thinks is YAY we get to go to the city and take pictures)

So I guess I'm looking for advice. How do I handle it if there is a difference in my two children? How to I encourage others not to make comments or draw distinctions. If strangers do, how do I handle it? Has anyone BTDT?

Thanks and sorry this is so long and all over the place...

I say cross that bridge when you come to it. I had the same worries, although we didn't model dd#1, EVERYONE said we should. I really wished for dd#2 to be as beautiful as dd#1 and as bright and athletic, too, so they could be on equal footing. I didn't feel they needed to be the same but my father's family was really bad with one of my aunts being drop-dead gorgeous and the other not. Happily my kids have different personalities, but are similar enough in these areas that people won't be compelled to make comments.

So, anyway, wait and see how things turn out and save your worrying if you can. In the end you'll do as much as you can to show them both how loved they are and your second child will find her niche.

[rightkindofme]

People have been telling me that I should put my daughter into modeling since she was three days old. (She's only 21 months old.) She is a breathtakingly gorgeous child and she is charismatic. I didn't put her in modeling because I assume (by looking around at my family and my husband's family) that she is going to spend a fair bit of her life chunky. I am not going to put her anywhere near the modeling world so they can mess with her head.

That said! I totally understand fears about second kid not being as beautiful. I'm worried about that too. My daughter is ridiculously verbal (she knows almost two thousand words) and she is physically advanced. How can another kid compare to that? I keep mentally stepping on myself because second kid will be a whole different person and comparing them will be totally messed up.

I confess I am praying for a boy because in my experience opposite gendered children are compared less. I need to just get a boot to the head so I can get over myself.

[Super~Single~Mama]

If you don't focus on your children's looks, neither will they. Modeling focuses on a person's looks (personality counts too), so if you don't want your DS focused on his looks take him out of modeling.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

Tell both your kids that they're beautiful. Tell strangers too.

My dad always told all of us (me and my 2 brothers) that we were all good looking. I think we're pretty average actually, but none of us have every had self esteem issues.

[hipumpkins]

My Dd has a classic beautiful look, Blond hair crystal blue eyes. she is proportioned nicely, lean and fit but...
Her brother has red hair. He gets noticed everywhere and everyone asks about his hair. Honestly I have no idea what the great red head obsession is b/c I see them everywhere but you'd think he had a head full of spun gold for all the comments we get.
It does hurt Dd and I feel badly for her and 2nd look comment, "Oh and you are cute, too" feels terrible to her also.
We do acknowledge the unfairness of it and I once asked DD what she wishes people would notice about her and she said her eyes.
So when people comment on his hair I say something like, "I know. I'm so lucky, one with red hair and one with blue eyes."
Once at church DD had her hair in braids and the man sitting next to us commented on how beautiful her hair was. She was absolutely glowing and I almost started to cry. After dropping the kids at Sunday school I told him how he made her day b/c no one ever notices her hair.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

Personally, I don't like to focus on looks.

Then why is your son modeling? And why are you concerned about your unborn dd's "beauty"? Someone that doesn't like to focus on looks, doesn't/shouldn't focus on looks, right?


ETA: When people comment on your son's attractiveness, you can thank them but make sure you also praise one of his other attributes (in front of him and the other person). And if your dd isn't what you/others consider attractive...make sure you give her praise while your son is receiving his.

[Ceinwen]

I saw my two younger sisters go through this. (I was much older - by ten years, so it never really affected me)

My youngest sister has blonde ringlets, huge blue eyes, the ten mile lashes, little bow lips, etc. Absolutely gorgeous, especially as a toddler. My second youngest sister was a cutie-pie; long dark hair, big brown eyes - but wasn't 'stunning' the way the youngest was.

People commented constantly, and my mother would graciously accept the compliment - and then make a point of talking about the other sister. How beautiful she was, and what an amazing big sister she was, etc. To try and get people to see it was important to balance it out.

For my two - the comparison is in behavior, as they're identical in looks, but five years apart in age. My seven year old is (and has always) been a sweet, agreeable, well behaved, pleasant, funny, etc. etc. child.

My two year old was born screaming and kicking, and hasn't stopped since. She really is hell on wheels! So I find people constantly comment on how sweet and gracious my older dd is, and are at a loss of words to describe my younger dd. They usually stare in horror because she's spitting at them or trying to kick them.

Yeah. So. I feel you. Just don't be afraid to speak up and point out qualities they both have, that are not centered on looks.

[amber913]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Obviously, we can only control what we can control.

We can't control what others say and do, but we can control how we respond. You can respond to comments with something that includes both your children, like "Thank you. Our children are beautiful inside and out!".

If you celebrate each child for who they are, they will have a good chance of growing up feeling good about who they are. Don't worry about the differences, and don't borrow trouble

Signed: Late Bloomer

Perfectly said.