Husband struggling w/ baby when I work

[pownalgirl]

I have a 5 wk old and I just started teaching again this week (2 evenings a week for 4 hrs each night). On the nights I'm gone, my husband is struggling w/ our daughter. I know it must be bad b/c he was in tears last night and that NEVER happens.

He feeds her from a bottle but he says that b/c the milk comes so fast, she eats an ounce and then starts screaming b/c he doesn't have more right there. With me, she'll eat and since it comes more slowly, she drifts off to sleep. I just feel so horrible that he has to deal with her screaming (not fussing, but screaming) and I feel so badly that she's so upset. We're nervous about giving her too much milk at once b/c we don't want her to eat too much and make herself gassy, but maybe we should try more when he feeds her? Also, she just won't settle down while I'm gone. When I'm here, I can put her in her glider chair for a few minutes or carry her in a sling and she does fine, but for my husband, he gets no relief.

Any thoughts? Any other suggestions for things that might make the transition back to work go well? I'm desperate!!!

[laohaire]

Can he carry her in a sling too?

Get a slower flow bottle?

[plunky]

FWIW, my daughter never really got into the bottle thing. According to our pretty crunchy pediatrician, it was fine if she waited until Mama got back and nursed again. The context there was Mama going to work for 8 hours and DD being in daycare. We tried the bottle quite a bit for a few weeks and it was just like what you're describing. Sometimes she would take it from me, but it was pretty rare. DW did end up going to daycare and nursing in the middle of the day, but that was because she wanted to, it was not "needed".

[sparklefairy]

Bottle-feeding as a Tool to Reinforce Breastfeeding may have some helpful ideas.
((()))
May babies have difficult evenings -- cluster-feeding, general grouchiness. She may be gearing up for a growth spurt as well.

[transylvania_mom]

It might sound weird, but he could try to let her suck on his pinky finger to calm her down (of course, after he washes his hands thoroughly). This would calm ds until I came back (I also used to teach twice a week for 4h when ds was a newborn).

PS: He only feeds her one oz? She might still be hungry.

[Lisa85]

How does he do with her when you're around? Is he able to put her to sleep when she knows you're in the house? Can he be the one to do the sole care for a few hours while you're both home or is it you always doing these things?

If you are always the one to put her to sleep and always the one to soothe her and the one doing the physical care for her the most, it's natural that she would have difficulty to adjusting to him. He smells different, he has a different feeding tool, he walks different and soothes her different. No matter how much he tries to do things like you do, it's impossible for him to do it exactly the same.

Does she like the bath? Maybe have him give her a bath followed by infant massage before bedtime would help calm her?

[KatWrangler]

Why don't you wear one of your husband's tee-shirts during the day. Then have him wear it that night while you are gone. Your scent will be on the shirt.

I also agree on a slower flow nipple. What are you using?

As PP stated evenings are rough anyway for alot of little ones. I swear with my son it started at 4:30. It was like a switch was flipped or something.

[plunky]

There's a thread in Dads that might have relevant information for you as well, although it was about an older baby:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1117471

[doubledutch]

i agree that she could wait until you get home to nurse, if she didn't want to eat. however it sounds like she takes the bottle well and does want more milk. at 5 weeks, my older son would drink a 4 ounce bottle. (my younger son never took a bottle even though i woh ft.) i understand you don't want her tummy to be gassy, but would that really be worse than her screaming? i think you should leave more milk for her.

what methods is your dh using to soothe her? what does she respond well to at other times? does she like the sling, the stroller, the car? does she like being swaddled and jiggled while lying on her tummy on your legs? my dh found "the happiest baby on the block" really helpful - it gave him concrete tools and boosted his confidence. maybe your dh doesn't have time to read the book, but i've heard there is a video he can probably check out from the library or borrow from your doctor's office if they have it.

around this age, it really is normal for babies to be very fussy in the evenings. sometimes my younger son would scream no matter what i did. the thing is to be there for them. they won't be damaged by it, as long as they know loving arms are holding them and they're not alone. however it is very stressful for the parent. your dh might cope by listening to headphones (music or tv), wearing her in a sling while he walks (exercise reduces stress) or just by deep breathing and remembering that he's doing his best for her and she will be okay.

[pownalgirl]

Thanks for all the suggestions! My husband usually does a great job of comforting her when I'm here, as long as she's not hungry...Though I'm usually the go to person to take care of her b/c unfortunately, she usually is fussy/screaming b/c she just wants to eat (we've been having some bf issues w/ baby not sucking quite right, me therefore not producing enough milk, so feeding her every 1-1.5 hrs when she's awake - going back to lact. consultant tomorrow to get more help...). We'll definitely try having my husband feed her more milk at a time. I also think we need to get a slower flow nipple. We have the slowest one for the Born Free bottles we have, but a friend was telling me that Playtex makes a *very* slow flow system that is supposed to be more like a mother's nipple.

Thanks for the ideas about wearing his shirt, having him give her a bath, having husband put on headphones, etc. Def. will suggest to husband.

The first 2 nights I was away, I had fed her and had her asleep in the sling when he came home. Handed sling off to him, but he said she wakes up as soon as I leave. Maybe I should try to finish feeding her just as he gets home? Then he can try to put her to sleep in the sling/Ergo carrier and she'll be used to his movements, not mine. It's such a challenging learning experience...

[KatWrangler]

You might want to look at Dr. Brown slow flow nipples. When my daughter was under the bili lights I know thats what the LC recommended (this was 4 years ago however). However, my husband ended up syringe/finger feeding her instead.

[plunky]

I'd let Dad sink or swim. He'll figure it out.

There was a suggestion in that Dad thread I linked similar to the shirt idea, and I would not do either of those things. My daughter and I have our own relationship that is not based on Mama.

[Jaesun's Dad]

Same as above: More than an ounce, ours can chug four ounces easily too at 6 weeks; the slow flow nipples should help.

I'm pretty good at calming down our son so long as he isn't hungry. A sling is pretty effective, and so is singing and humming. Some infants really like the low sound of a male voice and the vibrations coming from the adam's apple so if he holds the baby high on his chest and sings or hums this might calm her down too. It works for me often even when he's being extremely cranky.

We're at 6½ and I can't imagine DP going back to work so soon. I hope you're feeling well enough to do that! Make sure you take care of yourself too ...

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by plunky

I'd let Dad sink or swim. He'll figure it out.

There was a suggestion in that Dad thread I linked similar to the shirt idea, and I would not do either of those things. My daughter and I have our own relationship that is not based on Mama.

The shirt idea is based on the fact that the Mama-smell might remind a baby of food and make her more likely to take a bottle, not a relationship issue per se.

[One_Girl]

How often is she eating one ounce? That doesn't seem like a lot even for a very little baby. I think you should try out another bottle with a smaller hole. My dd really liked the Avent ones with the wide nipple. Maybe once she is full she will be happier and respond better to him. I don't think it is good for her to link her dad with extreme hunger.

[pinuchkin]

Around 5wks, DD1 had what we called the "witching hour" (or more honestly, 2-3 hrs :roll. Has DH tried different positions of holding/walking with her? My DH swore by having DDs face-down on his forearm, with his hand supporting their heads and their bums by his elbow so he could pat/rub backs - said that the belly support seemed to do well with the icky-belly they sometimes had from bottle feedings. Speaking of bottles, I echo all the PP's on amount - DDs were both taking 3oz of BM per feed at that age, and we used the slowest flow nipples we could find (DH swore by Playtex Originals latex slow flow with the bags; for one, very easy to warm the bags in a glass of warm/hot water).