Attachment Fathering/'Siblinging'

[Litcrit]

I'm expecting our 2nd child. I will get 16 months of maternity leave, AND we have a SAHD and a pretty gentle and nurturing 3.5 yo daughter. So, a pretty good situation for a baby to find itself in, I'd think.

As I'm not the most baby-crazy person out there, had PPD last time around and will be doing research and then writing my dissertation for 1-2 (at first) to several hours a day (when baby starts solids) during those first 16 months, I'd like suggestions on how to help the baby bond as much as possible with the OTHERS. The dad and older sister.

My ideal is: we're all together at home having fun most of the time, but when Mommy leaves the room or the house, baby does not think 'Oh, no, my sole comfort is gone, GONE!', but instead contemplates 'Well, one of them's out, but the other two are still here, which is pretty good.'

How do we accomplish that?

[K1329]

I think it will happen naturally. While you're working on your dissertaion, and while dad and sister assist in the caregiving of the newborn, a bond will naturally form.

What a wonderful situation to welcome a new baby into! You're very lucky!

[Joyster]

I don't know if there is a formula. DH and our kids bonded very quickly. Whenever I wasn't holding baby, he was there. He spent a great deal of time getting LOs to sleep simply by walking around with them, wearing a groove in the floor. He bathed, changed, dressed, did basically everything I did, but BF them, with about the same frequency. I was amazed by how he just jumped in with both feet and he's bonded very strongly with both our guys. Now that they're older, he's still as much as involved, there is just a very heavy dose of playtime and silliness involved too....who am I kidding, there always was.

[AllisonR]

I agree it will happen naturally. If you are generally home and main provider, and DH is not, and then suddenly the roles are reversed, then there is a problem. If you are both there, then that is what is consistent for the baby.

Both DH and I work, and both of us do the same amount of child care. Actually probably him a bit more, as I sometimes have to travel for work, and he is always home, so the kids may see him as more consistently here.

The big exception is breast feeding. DD wanted ME ME ME 24/7 when she was breast feeding. Yes, she would take DH, but she preferred me if I was there. For playing with, for holding, for sleeping with, for every little thing. Once she was not breast feeding, then he got his "fair share" of her. Not sure how long it took to even out though. She was 14 months when we stopped breast feeding, so maybe a few months later?

[Litcrit]

Thanks, guys!

I guess the reason I'm asking is that we had a pretty similar situation last time around, with both DH and me there all the time, DH doing everything but BF, and DD was very happy with him... as long as I was there too.

If I went out to the store, she'd wail and cry until I returned when she was as old as 18 months. If he went out, she barely noticed. I hated him.

I think the preference lasted until I weaned her at 2.5 years. It wasn't about me, it was about my boobs, I guess, now that I think about it.

I'm not prepared to wean early because of that, though.

[GuildJenn]

Not to rain on the parade but my son bonded with both of us - and in the high separation anxiety stages, cried if BOTH of us were not in the room. Oops. One of us might have had peace!

...which is really just to say, it will work out, but it may not prevent all upset.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by Litcrit

It wasn't about me, it was about my boobs, I guess, now that I think about it.

I'm not prepared to wean early because of that, though.

I tend to agree with that . Have you thought about pumping when needed? The baby still having access to your milk even if you are not around might make things easier.

[calpurnia]

Hmm, my dd was really always fine with her dad as a substitute for me (apart from a short time around 9 months I think). I put that down to he having been at home with us for 8 weeks when she was born & lots of slinging. Maybe it was just her personality.

[PoppyMama]

To get that independence I would start pumping after the first month or so and let your DH give the baby a bottle a couple of times a day.

[srs]

My DD was like your first, from very early on, and I keep waiting for my DS to be the same, but he's really not. He loves his dad and his big sister, and it seems fine when I'm not there (as in, I'm in the shower or going to bed and he doesn't know that I can still hear them). So you could get lucky.

[Litcrit]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

I tend to agree with that . Have you thought about pumping when needed? The baby still having access to your milk even if you are not around might make things easier.

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

To get that independence I would start pumping after the first month or so and let your DH give the baby a bottle a couple of times a day.

I was hoping to avoid going that route, because I wasn't intending to leave the house for longer than an hour or so while still exclusively BFing... and I'm LAZY... and don't own a pump... but I might end up giving it a try, thanks.

[Litcrit]

Originally Posted by calpurnia

Hmm, my dd was really always fine with her dad as a substitute for me (apart from a short time around 9 months I think). I put that down to he having been at home with us for 8 weeks when she was born & lots of slinging. Maybe it was just her personality.

I'm kind of thinking personality plays a large role. My DD has always loved people and been very sociable. Anyone could hold her or play with her, not just daddy, whom she's always adored, if I was somewhere around.

Originally Posted by srs

My DD was like your first, from very early on, and I keep waiting for my DS to be the same, but he's really not. He loves his dad and his big sister, and it seems fine when I'm not there (as in, I'm in the shower or going to bed and he doesn't know that I can still hear them). So you could get lucky.

Ooh, I'm sure hoping I get one of those this time!

[Tjej]

My DD was really easygoing about that as a baby - me, Daddy, her Grandma - all fine. She didn't mind a bit. DS, NOT AT ALL. If Mama wasn't there, he wasn't happy... I really think it is personality. Oh, but my DS was okay with it when he was a little older (8-10 months).

Tjej