Overwhelmingly nervous about a second UC

[madeofstardust]

I'm trying to plan my second UC, and I know that I am the only thing holding myself back. My UC with DD was flawless, it was totally uneventful and beautiful and exactly what I wanted. I'm worried that I can't have that two times in a row, it was too perfect. I know several mama's here have had multiple UC's and I'm calling for some wisdom and clarity. My logical mind tells me that birth is a safe and natural process, I can rely on my instincts and everything should be great. I'm just worried that I won't be able to have such a beautiful and perfect UC twice in row. I know this sounds irrational, but it's my only hold-back. Any wise words of wisdom from my fellow free birthing mama's?

[guest8990]

hmm. well i am just waiting to attempt my first UC, so ic ant be of much help. i can just offer what i do when i feel overwhelmed, or anxious or scared about it. or what i encourage when dh feels that way.
i pray. i take all of my fears and doubts and troubles and i put them in a box and hand them to God. i ask for his guidance, and reassurance. i ask him to calm my fears, and trust the process he has given us. i ask for faith without doubts. and strength. and it helps, it totally calms me i think the fears and anxiety is part of him trying to keep us strong, trying to show us challenges, so we cant be waivered. good luck momma, and i hope you find all the peace in the world about your pregnancy and birth

[mataji4]

I know what you mean. It's the irrational worry that we all have at some point to some extent. I just had an u/s to make sure that it was possible to have a fifth healthy baby! I just let the days roll on, and sometimes I ask myself "do i want to hire a midwife?" and the answer is always no really, so then I just keep rolling...

[zoebird]

whenever i think about a second pregnancy, i think "no way." and with that, when i think about the second UC, the question comes--"can i catch lightening in a bottle twice?"

everything about my prehgnancy and birth, and even my kid himself, was and is easy. seriously, it's no problems at all.

so i have fears like "what would i do if i had a high needs child?" and "what if i attempt a UC and it goes nutso?" and things like this.

it's ok to have fears and doubts. it's important so that we know where our work lies. I look at these questions, not only logically, but also intuitively and emotionally. in a spiritual sense, you might say.

what am i really afraid of? what of that is likely to be a reality and how would i deal with it if it were? and if i wasn't to have a "perfect" birth and "easy" kid, what would that mean? what blessings would such a thing possibly bring me?

these are just off the top of my head. i need to make lunch for the kiddo and the DH before he gets home from work.

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by madeofstardust

I'm trying to plan my second UC, and I know that I am the only thing holding myself back. My UC with DD was flawless, it was totally uneventful and beautiful and exactly what I wanted. I'm worried that I can't have that two times in a row, it was too perfect. .... Any wise words of wisdom from my fellow free birthing mama's?

If it's any comfort, Laura Kaplan Shanley had 5 UCs...so I don't think you have to worry about "jinxing" yourself...it's possible to have more than one perfect birth, even in a row! Happy birthing vibes to you...

[Ottbabies]

I think I would feel the same way if I were in your situation but I also think it all boils down to our cultural conditioning and how we are made to believe that childbirth is an emergency. While anything can go wrong with whatever choices we make I think the chances are high that nothing will go wrong and you will have another successful UC. Don't doubt yourself, surround yourself with lots of positive energy and best wishes for a happy birth.

[claddaghmom]

I've been having these doubts, too. I feel that DD's birth was a "just squeaked by" type birth and I wonder...if it's any harder, will I still birth at home? What if something truly goes wrong? What if I do actually get tired out or give up?

I've been working on mental imaging. I spend time relieving my fears by closing my eyes and making a mental picture/video of how I want my birth to be...I see me and DH and DD in a warm birth pool. It is calm and quiet. DD is wearing her barney swimsuit. I am listening to my body. I peacefully birth my baby and other family members who are taking photos and being present cheer and shout out the time. It changes my fears to happy anticipation.

[NettleTea]

Originally Posted by madeofstardust

I'm worried that I can't have that two times in a row, it was too perfect.

I went through this. But my 2nd UC was actually even more perfect than the first in a lot of ways.

It seems to be a common feeling as I have seen many people mention it. There was a thread around not too long ago that had mentions of this kind of thing. I think it was this one:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1182006

[McMandy]

I can relate to this in many ways.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I chose to have a MW attend this birth (but still feel like waiting until I'm about to pop out the baby to call her).

But, I also think instinct is important, and this time, for some reason, I felt like it would be wise to have her here.

A lot of it is because we are in a different area and time in our life. My husband no longer works for himself, and sometimes he is far far way way out of town... so he may not be able to drop what he's doing and come home- and I will not UC on my own with three kids running around!

If he wasn't here, I would be fearful, because I feel like I NEED him here (just having him around the house calms me). Do what feels right, yanno? I always figured that if, at the last minute, we didn't want the MW present, we just wouldnt call her until the birth was DONE with.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by NettleTea

I went through this. But my 2nd UC was actually even more perfect than the first in a lot of ways.

It seems to be a common feeling as I have seen many people mention it. There was a thread around not too long ago that had mentions of this kind of thing. I think it was this one:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1182006

Hm, I wonder if it has something to do with the current obstetrical environment? Maybe women have a beautiful experience, and they think, "Whoa, how did I miss out on the train wreck"?? Too good to be true??

That's what keeps running through my head. Like, I keep taking the 1 in 3 number and saying, well here's kid #2....(I know, not exactly the right way to apply statistics!)

[ScarletBegonias]

just wanted to let you know that i'm also planning a 2nd uc, and have doubts too sometimes, but the other mamas posted much better than i could today!

you're not alone!

[MrsPil]

I'm planning UC number two and wondering how it can ever compair to my first birth. I am right there with you.

[NettleTea]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

Hm, I wonder if it has something to do with the current obstetrical environment? Maybe women have a beautiful experience, and they think, "Whoa, how did I miss out on the train wreck"?? Too good to be true??

Yes, I think that had a lot to do with it.

Also lots of fear mongering out there. It's a pretty sad state of things, honestly.

When I could finally just tune into myself I was able to sense that everything was going to go beautifully. And it did.

Prenatal yoga helped me to center myself (and also gave me a mindset that made laboring much easier this time around). Might be something to consider.

[ErinBird]

Is there a reason you can't have a hands off midwife to talk to? I've had friends find midwives willing to do occasional prenatals without attending the birth.

I had a wonderful UP/UC with my first child. I just couldn't fathom doing it again. If I had to, I would, but I was very happy with the hands off care my midwife provided during my second pregnancy. Nothing went wrong with the birth or post partum (and it ended up being an accidental UC) but I just wasn't called to do it on my own again.

[zoebird]

i do think it goes along with the climate of fear.

i mean, people say "wow, you were lucky!" and such when i talk about my UC and how awesome it was. this perpetuates the idea that i was lucky, not that what i experienced is actually normal.

so, that brings in doubt, you know? "maybe i was lucky."

and, the same is true of the fact that my first birth was pleasurable. i was just "with" the birth and loved it and had this amazing, ecstatic, peak experience.

i ask myself ifi want to go through it again at all (i tend to be a once and done peak experience gal--that is, have peak experiences but come to them different ways), but even if i said that i do want to birth again and have the potential for that peak experience. . .

wasn't i just lucky?

so, yeah, it's there. i assume that if i decide to birth again, i'll have to come to terms with my doubts and open my mind to what i really want and need--whether that's a UC, MWHB, or whatever else.

[gabbyraja]

I have the same fears about my children. I had a TERRIBLE HN baby, then a DREAM baby, then an ever MORE horrible HN baby (seriously, it's a miracle he survived my desire to murder him) and then a MORE dream baby. So, I'm expecting the devil himself this time and I swear I'm terrified. Not to scare you or anything.

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by madeofstardust

I'm trying to plan my second UC, and I know that I am the only thing holding myself back. My UC with DD was flawless, it was totally uneventful and beautiful and exactly what I wanted. I'm worried that I can't have that two times in a row, it was too perfect. I know several mama's here have had multiple UC's and I'm calling for some wisdom and clarity. My logical mind tells me that birth is a safe and natural process, I can rely on my instincts and everything should be great. I'm just worried that I won't be able to have such a beautiful and perfect UC twice in row. I know this sounds irrational, but it's my only hold-back. Any wise words of wisdom from my fellow free birthing mama's?

I'm totally the same way. I am going to have another UC but a part of me feels like I'll be pushing my luck somehow.

[eveblac]

I am expecting Dear #3. This will be my 2nd UP/UC, and I echo the sentiments of the previous replies - DID I just "get lucky"???

When I had my DS#1 it was a hospital train wreck, it did end with a Vaginal birth, but I was severely robbed.

DS#2 was very realistic UC, it wasn't a total fantasy perfect, but it was a nice, functional, sturdy and efficient labor and birth.

So I've been catching myself on the "what if..." train of thought with this pregnancy. And over the weeks, I've been trying to snap out of it, consciously monitor my thoughts, and go "HEY, the same exact scenario applies with this baby as it did with my second, and even my first: I am the mama, you are the baby, and together we are the only two who know EXACTLY how to let you come out right." I'm aware of the subtle undermining of my confidence over the last 2 years since my UC. Congrats were thinly masked freak-outs that I actually *did* that. But, just as I knew the moment we were laying in the bed, me beaming saying WE DID IT!, I know we weren't "lucky." I know we "did it" because it was the right way to do it. And once again, I've come to peace with the realization that no matter what happens, I will handle it right, and the best outcome possible for the situation at hand will be realized.

I will keep watching this post, because it's interesting to see the growth in myself playing out simultaneously across the lives of others.

[L J]

There was another thread on this recently, but I can't find it.

I am suprised to see that there are so many of us that feel the same way about a second UC.

I am just begining my second trimester with my second pregnancy, and I am still very much on the fence about whether to hire a midwife.

I can't quite put my finger on why I lack the confidence that I did last time. I have the same fears and thoughts that a lot of you have voiced already - how can I have another perfect, easy birth twice in a row?

I don't know anyone in real life that has... but then again, I don't know anyone in real life that has ever birthed at home, much less unassisted.

I am very glad we are talking about this here. When my monster of a 3 year old isn't trying to destroy my computer and I am a little more awake, I'm going to post again. I think I have more thoughts on this, but he is blocking them at the moment. Speaking of extremely HN children...

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by zoebird

i do think it goes along with the climate of fear.

i mean, people say "wow, you were lucky!" and such when i talk about my UC and how awesome it was. this perpetuates the idea that i was lucky, not that what i experienced is actually normal.

so, that brings in doubt, you know? "maybe i was lucky."

and, the same is true of the fact that my first birth was pleasurable. i was just "with" the birth and loved it and had this amazing, ecstatic, peak experience.

i ask myself ifi want to go through it again at all (i tend to be a once and done peak experience gal--that is, have peak experiences but come to them different ways), but even if i said that i do want to birth again and have the potential for that peak experience. . .

wasn't i just lucky?

so, yeah, it's there. i assume that if i decide to birth again, i'll have to come to terms with my doubts and open my mind to what i really want and need--whether that's a UC, MWHB, or whatever else.

How true....now that I think about it that is basically all I hear about my birth. Even when I posted my story on MDC, people were saying I was lucky and I "made it" as if we barely survived a mack truck crossing.

And then I think about my presence on facebook...nearly all all my friends (who are also have birth activists, infant violence activists etc) had a painful or otherwise managed birth. C-sections, stories of birth rape...someone had a vbac recently and shared their story which involved trying to kick the doctor away and being held down by nurses ....well anyways it just "feels" rare to have a peaceful, normal birth.