Remember a few months ago when he refused to tell me his address? ~~~UPDATE POST 11~~~

[StephandOwen]

Yeah.... now he's disconnected his phone or changed the number or whatever It doesn't really upset me, more frustrates me because it's regarding something medical with ds. We just left the dr's office and scheduled his surgery (tonsils and adenoids removed). DS's bio-dad has joint legal custody. So, of course, I try to call to let him know.... and get the message saying that the number has changed or been disconnected. So now I don't know where he lives (to send a letter), I don't know his phone number and I haven't heard from him since October. I could say something, but I'll just keep on smiling. I have a call into my lawyer to check and make sure there isn't anything else I legally have to do before the surgery, but I can't imagine any judge getting upset when HE is the one who moved and didn't give me an address and HE is the one who changed his number without telling me.

We are supposed to be going to Michigan next weekend (19/20/21) for a visit, but I've not heard from him so it will most likely be spent with my family in Michigan He's not seen ds since October, nor have I heard from him so I think it's safe to say his wife got tired of forcing him to visit so he quit. Shocker.

[PoppyMama]

Did you do the thing where you can show that the old address doesn't work (returned mail?)?

[StephandOwen]

I sent a letter for him to his parents house with only his signature allowed. I got the receipt with his signature (or his dad signed for him). In either event.... I mailed it and *someone* got it awhile ago. I don't know more than that because, like I said, I haven't heard from him since October.

[PoppyMama]

Then can't you mail a letter informing him of the procedures to his parents house? If his dad forges it and he later claims he didn't know...well you have a signature and they have an issue with each other.

[LoveOhm]

PoppyMama I think Steph realizes she can send a letter to his parents but what is at issue is his father's choice to consciously fade from the little involvement he has in his son's life.

Steph you have done all you can do and I have nothing but respect for your constant work and effort with O's dad. Luckily your son does not view him as daddy and thus will not be affected by his lack of concern/involvement/etc. I do feel sad that O now may not have any relationship with his sibling who he seemed to become attached to.

[Goodmom2008]

The next time you go to court, ask for sole legal. His refusal to give you his contact info is more than enough reason for the change. What a jerk he is.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

PoppyMama I think Steph realizes she can send a letter to his parents but what is at issue is his father's choice to consciously fade from the little involvement he has in his son's life.

Exactly. After 6 years I'm tired of chasing him around. If he wants to disappear, so be it. Yes, I could send a letter to his parents house. Heck, I could even call his parents and beg them to tell me how to get in contact with him. Will I? Not a chance in h*ll.

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008

The next time you go to court, ask for sole legal. His refusal to give you his contact info is more than enough reason for the change. What a jerk he is.

That is the plan, though I don't plan on going back to court anytime soon. Just waiting and recording everything until I go. I think we will eventually go back when dp ends up traveling somewhere (he goes to different countries for work) that ds and I can go (during a school break). I would need a passport for ds but if I can't find ex (or if he refuses to sign) then we'll just go back to court and ask for sole custody (right now I have sole physical custody and joint legal).

I did talk to my lawyer today and she said that with joint legal I don't need his permission for the surgery, I just have to make an attempt to contact him and let him know. She says that I have done everything I need to do and that no Judge would get upset because it's ex's fault that he never gave me his address/number. She did say that if I wanted to I could write a letter to his parents house (just a basic "tried to contact you but couldn't, Owen's having surgery on such and such a date"), but that's above and beyond what I need to do. I think my plan is to wait until the end of next week (we have a visit to michigan next weekend). If I don't hear from ex by then I'll mail a short letter to his parents house.

[cheer mom]

I'd still ask the lawyer what needs to be done to switch to sole legal and physical custody. I'm guessing it wouldn't be that hard seeing as how he doesn't respond to anything.

[LoveOhm]

Yes Steph based on your experiences that you have shared on MDC and the similarities I see in my own dd's dad I switched from my initial request of joint legal / sole physical to sole legal and physical........ just seems needed to do our jobs as parents when the other parent is completely uninvolved.

One reason I am asking sole custody is because of the passport delima. I just want to say get the passport and custody in order far before you need it because it does not happen overnight. (but I am sure you know that already......)

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by cheer mom

I'd still ask the lawyer what needs to be done to switch to sole legal and physical custody. I'm guessing it wouldn't be that hard seeing as how he doesn't respond to anything.

I doubt it would be hard at all to get it switched to sole custody, since he doesn't see/talk to Owen and he doesn't even keep us updated on contact info.

DP and I have also talked about just seeing if ex will sign over his parental rights so dp can adopt ds. That's another option we are throwing around. We will need to think hard on it and decide which route we want to go on though. My lawyer is up in Michigan (which is where our court stuff is too) so it's not something we can just up and do one day, it all needs to be planned out because we'll have to take a trip up there if/when we go to court.

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

Yes Steph based on your experiences that you have shared on MDC and the similarities I see in my own dd's dad I switched from my initial request of joint legal / sole physical to sole legal and physical........ just seems needed to do our jobs as parents when the other parent is completely uninvolved.

One reason I am asking sole custody is because of the passport delima. I just want to say get the passport and custody in order far before you need it because it does not happen overnight. (but I am sure you know that already......)

I wish you luck! I hope everything goes smoothly If I could go back in time I would have pushed for sole custody the first time we were in court, though I don't know if it would have been granted at the time because ex hadn't had a chance to prove he wasn't involved.

[StephandOwen]

Crazy update happened today.... so ex actually called me today (a visit is scheduled for this weekend so if he wanted to see ds on Friday he had to contact me by the end of today). He called today during dinner but I didn't answer (not only do I not answer the phone during dinner- family time- but I really don't answer it for unknown numbers during dinner). He left a message asking me to call him back. So after dinner we came home, I played around with Owen some, got his pj's on him and into bed and then called ex back. He said that he hasn't paid his cell so it was shut off about a month or so ago He wanted to know if he could see ds this weekend, which of course I agreed to. He said "I don't have to work until 4pm Friday so I can spend all morning and afternoon with him". I said "great, what time and where do you want to meet?" he responded with "how about at this pizza place right by my house at noon and then maybe we can go to the park for a little bit". Okay.... sure.... but if we meet at noon, and you have to be at work (in a different town) at 4... that's 3 hours at the most. Not to mention I'll bet $100 ds doesn't eat that pizza (he has HUGE food issues so something that is unknown, such as a local pizza restaurant he's never been to, is not going to turn out well.... but I'll let ex figure that out on his own ). He also says he has all day Saturday off work.... which usually equates to seeing ds for about 2 hours or so. We'll see how that pans out....

I told ex about the surgery, and the reasons for it, and he was supportive of my decision.

Since the conversation was going so well I decided to press it further and mentioned that dp has some great opportunities for travel through work and one of his upcoming trips later this year is to Australia. We think it would be a great opportunity for ds to be able to travel to different countries and, honestly, it wouldn't be possible without dp's work. So I asked if he would be willing to sign a passport for ds. He was oddly.... fine with it. He joked that "you aren't moving there or anything like that?" and I said no, it would probably be about 2 weeks. He was totally cool with it and said he was jealous that ds got that opportunity. I told him I would look into what we needed to get done for the passport and we could talk about it more this weekend.

Part of me is really excited that we may actually be able to work together on something without dragging the court into it.

Part of me is realistic and realizes he very well could change his mind at any time until that paper is signed. I'm going to try and get everything together in the next couple days and then try and go to the post office (right by the restaurant he wants to meet at) after lunch on Friday to get everything signed.

But the craziest part.... he actually asked if he could talk to Owen. First time in 6 years he's ever asked to talk to Owen (on the phone, between visits). I told him of course and went upstairs (figuring Owen was still awake) but he must have just fallen asleep. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

[LoveOhm]

Steph people can turn a new leaf I support you in getting all the paperwork and have him sign this weekend for the passport.

Overall hope for the best, expect the worst.....

[meemee]

oh steph i hope this trend continues. i hope you get more and more surprises and this is not just not a one time thing.

oooooooooh even i am jealous of O!!!!!

it IS a great idea that you file for the passport on that day. i was about to say that not giving him a chance to change his mind.

watching how things progress.

[StephandOwen]

Well, here's an update.... ex saw ds yesterday for about 2 1/2 hours (ate lunch at a restaurant that ds didn't like anything at and then played at a park... his wife, baby, his sister and her kids were there most of the time). When he was ready to leave he told me that he had all day today off work but he didn't know what his wife had planned with the car (they only have 1 car) so he would call me between 10 and noon this morning. I went to the post office yesterday afternoon and got the paper ex needs to fill out (and sign and have notarized, found out where he can do that and what time today). Noon came and went and I didn't hear from ex. I called him at about 12:15 (we were just sitting around all day waiting to see what time he wanted to see ds) and he didn't answer So, needless to say, we won't see him today or tomorrow and the paper won't get signed. Next week I'll call my lawyer and have her start the process of going through the court. It's something I really wanted to avoid, but apparently he doesn't want to work with me. If he was honestly opposed to ds getting a passport and told me that and/or told me why he was opposed, then fine! But he said it was fine with him and then he totally ignores me. So frustrating!

So it's been 5 months since he's seen ds, we drove 6 hours here and will drive 6 hours back home tomorrow and he spent a total time of 2 1/2 hours with him.

[LoveOhm]

ALL I CAN DO IS SMH! That is sad.....

Well the positive news is now you have a number and address for him.... right? So at min. you can serve whatever needs to be served directly to him and if he does not care then he won't fight it.....

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm sorry your ex only saw your ds for a few hours - that really sucks, and mostly for your ds.

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

DP and I have also talked about just seeing if ex will sign over his parental rights so dp can adopt ds. That's another option we are throwing around. We will need to think hard on it and decide which route we want to go on though. My lawyer is up in Michigan (which is where our court stuff is too) so it's not something we can just up and do one day, it all needs to be planned out because we'll have to take a trip up there if/when we go to court.

I would NOT go to court asking for sole legal so that you can do this. I know that you're contemplating it, and thats completely understandable!! But, if you ask for sole legal custody, and tell a judge that you're going to ask your ex to sign over his rights - the only thing the judge will see is you trying to push your ex out of your ds's life. No matter what documentation you have, or anything - thats all they will see.

And, as far as traveling out of the country - its NOT as easy as getting a passport! Once you have the passport, you still have to get a notarized statement from your ex in order to be allowed to board a plane destined for a foreign country (my aunt had to - and she was married to her kids dad!). I don't think having sole legal/physical custody changes this hassle at all - b/c that doesn't strip a parent of their parental rights, just designates who gets to make decisions regarding a childs well being. Get lots of info from your lawyer about all of the ins and outs about travel, etc., before you buy any tickets to take your ds anywhere. (I know you said you don't have current plans, and this is all in anticipation of possible trips over break, etc. Just don't get too excited about a passport.)

[Theia]

That sucks that he stood you and Owen up again.

You do know that you could probably get the jurisdiction for legal matters changed to your current home? I know there are residency requirements, some up to a year, but it might be worth the hassle so that you don't have to make trips just for legal stuff. Just throwing that out there. Sometimes it can be good to stick with the same place but it may be worth investigating.

[LoveOhm]

thyra to clarify a couple items

- Steph's son would have no relationship with his father IF it were not for her personal efforts to make that happen.
- She would not need to get sole legal to have O's dad's parental rights terminated or to allow her ex to adopt her ds. She would simply have to either ask O's dad to sign them over or she could ask the judge to terminate his rights based on neglect or whatever else.
- It has been my understanding and experience in court thus far that if you have sole legal and physical custody and no stipulation in your agreement stipulates international (or domestic) travel you do not need any notarized statement from the other parent to travel. That said, it would be a good idea to bring a copy of your order stating you have sole custody (especially if your child has a different last name than you).
- Having sole physical and legal custody does eliminate a HUGE amount of hassle because you have the full ability to make decisions without the other parents' consent, you can travel, select schools, religious items, etc.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

thyra to clarify a couple items

- Steph's son would have no relationship with his father IF it were not for her personal efforts to make that happen.
- She would not need to get sole legal to have O's dad's parental rights terminated or to allow her ex to adopt her ds. She would simply have to either ask O's dad to sign them over or she could ask the judge to terminate his rights based on neglect or whatever else.
- It has been my understanding and experience in court thus far that if you have sole legal and physical custody and no stipulation in your agreement stipulates international (or domestic) travel you do not need any notarized statement from the other parent to travel. That said, it would be a good idea to bring a copy of your order stating you have sole custody (especially if your child has a different last name than you).
- Having sole physical and legal custody does eliminate a HUGE amount of hassle because you have the full ability to make decisions without the other parents' consent, you can travel, select schools, religious items, etc.

I know there are advantages to sole legal custody. I was telling her to err on the side of caution when asking for it. I know that her ex only see's her son b/c of her efforts. Getting a parent's rights terminated is NOT easy though - its very difficult (from my limited understanding as a law student, and especially when its not a foster/adopt situation).

As far as international travel, I was saying that she needs to find out for certain if a passport allows her to leave the country with her child - I know that my aunt had to have a notarized statement from her HUSBAND that she was allowed to leave the country with their children (even though he had tickets to join them a few weeks later). That indicates to me that it would be harder, not easier, if you were separated or divorced. I know that I can't get a passport for my son, and I can't leave the country with him as a result - not that his father would let me leave with him anyway, nor would I let him leave the country with my son. The issues are far more complex than just issues of custody. They are not all issues that can be dictated by a family court judge. And, since I'm not a lawyer I don't know all the answers, and especially since I don't know all the facts of this case.

Just keep in mind that there is always at least 2 sides to every story. I know the OP has done everything she can to facilitate a relationship between her son and his father, and that's admirable. He should really step up to the plate.