So, if you didn't tell about HB until after delivery...

[mamasaia11]

What reactions did you get? DH and I are due to have our second baby (first HB) in early April and we're not telling A LOT of people. However, we're not worried about the majority of the people in our lives b/c most of those who we are close to, we have told. My in-laws, though, that's another story. MIL is a nurse and has all kinds of ideas about the way DH and I parent as being totally wrong. Frankly, we just didn't want to spend the pregnancy contending with the negativity, but I left the final decision up to DH as it's his mother.
Now that my due date is approaching (ever so slowly...), and her questions are becoming more persistent (we managed to avoid out and out lying, but just barely), I'm worried about how she'll react after the delivery. We don't usually get along, but we don't usually fight either, so I'm kind of worried...
I'd love some input as to what kinds of things you mamas have experienced so I can project Gives me something to focus on other than the countdown!
Thanks!

[sharr610]

We never had to play our situation out this way, but we for sure have been evasive from time to time about how it all goes and such.
M next door neighbor is planning a HB and her mom is an RN who has been really really against this whole thing(even emailing me out of the blue even though we don't know each other that well to tell me how evil this all is). But what my neighbor keeps reminding herself is that a. she is an adult and b. this is a personal and extremely informed decision, so she really doesn't owe anyone an explanation.
She is going to react how she is going to react. There is NOTHING you all can do to control that. Just stay strong as a team and remember why you are doing this for yourselves. If she tries to engage on it in a hostile manner, just be clear that you made a well researched and informed decision that felt right for YOUR family. You respect her concerns and care and ask that, in return, she respects the decisions you make. Its then her choice if she wants to take the high road or not.

GOOD LUCK!

[sparkysgirl]

we didn't tell anyone except about 3 friends. Our parents were livid! My dad however thought it was really cool, and still brags about it to his friends. My mom totally flipped, 5 months later there are still a few passive agressive comments about it, but our relationship is ok. She came in crying about how I robbed her of the experience. I didn't really care because i was on such a birth high and I would just turn away from her and smell my sweet baby! Eventually I told her that this was not the time for it, that I had this new person to fall in love with and she needed to respect my choices. She left after two days of staying with us because she couldn't stop crying.
My ILs took it badly too. FIL is a doctor (used to deliver babies), not sure exactly what was said because dh handled that phone call, but I know it was bad, but by the time they had made the 4 hour drive to come see us ( well really he wanted to examine the baby) he had cooled down and was excited about the new grandbaby. A few days later we recieved a nice letter in the mail about how happy he was for us and how amazed he was at me for having an unmedicated vbac at home.
With both parents we had a conversation several days later to clear everything up, answer questions and such and let them know that we were sorry that they were hurt in the process, but we were doing what was best for mom and baby by not letting them in on the plan so that I wouldn't be stressed. They all agreed that it was probably best because they would have tried to talk us out of it constantly. All is well now with the family.
now, if I had it to do over, I would have waited longer to call them, or at least told them on the phone that we would like some time to bond with our new baby before having visitors. What ended up happening was a big dramatic mess two hours after the birth, which really interfered with enjoying such an incredible moment.

[mamasaia11]

thanks!

Thank you both for the encouragement and the stories. I think maybe I should start encouraging DH to tell her before the birth. 1) So that if there are problems they can start now instead of later, when I'm trying to enjoy the moment and new life That's one of the big reasons for HB for me, so that our baby gets to just chill and bond with our family, and not be surrounded by any "drama." 2) As part of the "we respect you enough, please respect us enough" school of thought. That's a great way to put it, and one we've used with her before (on extended breastfeeding, and co-sleeping, and organic food not loaded with sugar, and you name it ). But please, keep it coming in case DH really wants to wait.

Less than 30 days now

[goinggreengirl]

We have not told MIL... pretty much everyone else knows because I decided that I knew more about birth choices than anyone, even friends who have three kids and I know what to say and where to point them if they want to learn more. But, MIL does not listen to reason, she won't change her mind and once she grabs onto something, she won't let go. So, to save DH's ear the past nine months, we haven't told her. We will tell her after he's born (any day now!) and I fear for how long DH will be on the phone with her. I just hope that once healthy baby is here, she won't care how he got here, right?
Also, ditto that you are an adult who is making an informed decision. They had their chance to have babies how they wanted to, now it's your turn!

[cathicog]

I think if you think there might be problems, then wait til AFTER the birth, after your babymoon, to tell them it was a homebirth, particularly if it was a VBAC. Pregnant women are so sensitive(not in a bad way, an intuitive way) to what is going on around them that I think many women have had bad/hard labors caused by interference from family as much as from staff where they were...or even at birth center/homebirths...just my .02... no sense giving a opening to contention..
Sparky'sgirl, it's a shame your mother acted like it was her birth- it wasn't. It was yours and she would have ruined it had she been there...Glad you were mature about it! Good for you...

[Juvysen]

I had mentioned off hand about homebirth to my dad, mid-pregnancy (before we were definitely having a homebirth) last time, and his response to my considering it was "oh, well, that's VERY dangerous...", to which I think I responded "oh, really? How much research have YOU done on the topic?" to which he shut his mouth (my dad doesn't like to be questioned that way). Anyway, in order to not worry him (or get frequent calls from my stepmother and her worrying), we chose not to tell him until after.

What happened was this: We called them immediately after Oliver was born to tell them that the baby had arrived. They were excited, what have you - normal "hooray baby's here" kind of call. The next day, we get another call saying "um, how is it that you were calling from your HOME number a half hour after the baby was born? Did you have the baby at home?" To which, I answered "oh, yeah, we had him at home". My dad just sort of stuttered, but didn't really say anything bad, at all... my step mother said something about how wonderful that is... which is funny because she's all kinds of "mainstream medical" normally. Anyway, it went WAY better than I had expected, but neither of them are medical personnel. My dad was a social worker, though... and my step-mother is a lawyer who spent about 10 years in family court kinds of law... they're very pro CPS, I guess.

Anyway, that's our story. I think they're just assuming the baby will be born at home this time, since I haven't really said anything.

[Belia]

Why do you have to "tell" anyone anything? Why is where you birth even part of the "Guess what... you have a new grandchild!!!" discussion? I like the PP who didn't volunteer any info on that part of the birth, but answered the question nonchalantly and matter-of-factly when it came.

Maybe if its an unimportant non-issue to you, your ILs will pick up on that attitude.

And you can save the celebration of the "home" aspect of your birth for people who get it!

[mamasaia11]

Goinggreengirl--My MIL is like yours, it's the "world according to her" and there isn't much you can do to change your mind. And as you say, "I fear for how long DH will be on the phone with her."

cathicog-- I guess I'm less worried about her contentious behavior and more worried that she would be truly hurt if we didn't tell her ahead of time and I would hate to have to hear about it again and again over the years. You're right about the sensitivity of pregnant women though, and I'd hate for her to "ruin" anything in anyway, but if we waited very long after the baby was born to call her and tell her that the baby had arrived, that would for sure make her angry.

Juvysen--I do like your laid back approach to telling your family the news, but our in-laws are like yours----caller ID . And they'd want to come see us in the hospital that day, so they'd know something was up for sure.

Belia--"Why do you have to "tell" anyone anything? Why is where you birth even part of the "Guess what... you have a new grandchild!!!" discussion? I like the PP who didn't volunteer any info on that part of the birth, but answered the question nonchalantly and matter-of-factly when it came." I get what you mean, I would love it if it didn't have to part of the conversation, but as a nurse (who used to work for and OB practice) the details are not optional

Thanks again for sharing your advice and experiences!

[emnic77]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I had mentioned off hand about homebirth to my dad, mid-pregnancy (before we were definitely having a homebirth) last time, and his response to my considering it was "oh, well, that's VERY dangerous...", to which I think I responded "oh, really? How much research have YOU done on the topic?"

Um, can I just tell you how AWESOME and succinct and perfect this comeback is?? I am using this for sure!!

[khaoskat]

I am having to do it totally unsupported, except by a few friends? If we even mentioned it to either set of parents, all heck would brake loose...as it has every other time. In the past, we got past it by using a birth center. But because DD2 had to come via c/s, the local birth center is no longer an option.

We do have a supportive HB community, but it is all underground where I live, because of local and recent hostility by certain law enforcement agencies and the courts.

Although I have talked with a few friends who are Children's Services workers about "home birth" in general, and no one has even had a negative reaction. As a matter of fact a few of them are pregnant right now and will be using the same birth center that I did.

So, basically my support is my husband, and a few close friends.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by emnic77

Um, can I just tell you how AWESOME and succinct and perfect this comeback is?? I am using this for sure!!

I'm embarrassed to say that if it were anyone else (well, outside of my family) It would have probably just been the "oh, really?" part But with my family I'm ok with pushing/challenging them.

[cathicog]

mamasaia11, I hope your mother will be able to come to an understanding with you. The understanding is this: Our children grow up, and then they make adult decisions about thier lives, and it isn't about us anymore, and we have no right to be hurt. I am a grandmother too, and they were all born in the hospital( so far), but my adult childrens' decisions are theirs, to make and to live with. I can suggest, but what they do is up to them. I hope your mother will allow you the space you need. If not, take it! You are all grown-up now, and she really shouldn't be hurt(controlling, perhaps?)... sorry for the diatribe, I would just hate to see your lovely hb ruined by a grandparent who can't respect your boundaries...Hope I am not reading too much into it, but that is what it sounded like to me...

[sunflowergrrl]

The reactions I got from family (Parents and in-laws) were surprised, but OK with it. My parents couldn't come to visit us until 10 days after the birth so by then, they just wanted to see their granddaughter. I think they were a little bit hurt that I didn't tell them until she was born, but I didn't want anyone trying to talk me out of it.

I started out with a practice of CNM's, so I would just keep saying "I had the appt with the midwife today - blood pressure is fine and baby's heart rate is fine - everything is good, Mom!"

One thing I did to explain everything, was write a narrative on how we decided to have a homebirth, after two hospital births. I detailed what I didn't like about the hospital births, and why I was so glad we did a homebirth. I think after they read that, they really understood where I was coming from!

[Ambystoma]

We didn't tell most of my family until afterward. However we did have a couple of people show up a few days before my DD. So...we sorta had to tell them since they were staying in the spare bedroom (I don't even want to discuss this whole separate issue...).

It was no big deal--no arguments or judgements afterward, probably because nothing terrible happened. Shocking! Actually, a lot of the men in my family (dad, uncles) decided it was super "bad ass" and told everyone how awesome and "old school" it was after the fact. So, that was kind of nice and uplifting. These were people I expected to have a terribly negative reaction. Good luck with your birth!!

[alton]

I'm wondering if maybe I haven't given enough thought to this. I'd hate our families to be hurt about not being told before hand. I've been holding out on telling my dad, on the reasoning that what he doesn't know he can't worry about. But I don't want to hurt him either. He'll know straight off that my mum knew. I really don't know how to handle it.

My SILs know about it, so I'm not sure whether or not my MIL and FIL have been clued in or not. That's hard to tell and I'm leaving it up to my husband to tell or not. I can't imagine my MIL being supportive but then you never know.

I'm more worried about an "I told you so" attitude afterwards if I had to transfer, than negativity now. And I absolutely hate the idea of other mums who are thinking about a HB hearing my story told as a cautionary moral tale: "Alton wanted a HB and look how that turned out!"

[leavemealone]

Well, since DH told people without asking me first, I don't know how they reacted. I had told him before the baby was born that I wanted to be the one to call my mother and tell her. He ended up calling everyone and not letting me have the chance to tell people. I think they were all shocked, but I don't think there were any bad comments.

[MrsJewelsRae]

My 2nd was a planned hb and we didn't tell anyone except for my supportive immediate family. We did NOT tell my ILs. My MIL would have preached at me my whole pg'y and I wasn't risking that. Dh ended up telling her while I was in labor, they lived a few minutes from us and she called since it was my due date to ask how I was doing. Dh was kind of distracted as the midwives were just arriving and birth was fairly imminent so he just said "uh, actually she's in labor" and MIL flipped and wanted to know if we'd be dropping our ds off at her house on our way to the hospital. Dh just answered that the midwives were just arriving, she's gonna have the baby at home and ds is sleeping. *Silence* She was shocked, but dh didn't give her any time to respond, told her he'd call back later. I guess they paced the floors in worry, expecting the worst, thinking of all the what ifs, planning a lecture. Right after she was born, safely I might add, my family arrived- my 2 sisters, mom, dad. I had 2 awesome, capable midwives, plus 1 student, my ds (almost 2 yrs) had woken just prior to the birth and was happy and calm, then MIL and FIL arrived. They could not argue with the peaceful happy scene they arrived upon. It was just plain special in my FILs words. MIL admitted that she guessed it was ok since we were 2 minutes from the hospital, but I was sure lucky that it wasn't a 10 lb baby or something cause I'd never be able to do that at home.

Most people were surprised and said "cool". Several made the annoying common remarks along the lines of "oh I could never do that, I'd be so afraid something would go wrong" or "I/my baby would have died if I had birthed at home" (could be true, but they fail to realize a lot of the baby distress happening in the hospital is *caused* by the hospital- creating emergencies and then fixing them and playing hero) and even "is that legal?" A lot of people are passive aggressive on the topic. They say all about what they want or would do in order to make you feel as if you made a stupid and unsafe choice, but w/o coming right out and saying it, kwim? Like "Oh my, not for me, I want doctors and nurses and people that are trained to handle emergencies, a clean sterile OR just in case, I'd never forgive myself if anything went wrong in that situation" etc.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by MrsJewelsRae

My 2nd was a planned hb and we didn't tell anyone except for my supportive immediate family. We did NOT tell my ILs. My MIL would have preached at me my whole pg'y and I wasn't risking that. Dh ended up telling her while I was in labor, they lived a few minutes from us and she called since it was my due date to ask how I was doing. Dh was kind of distracted as the midwives were just arriving and birth was fairly imminent so he just said "uh, actually she's in labor" and MIL flipped and wanted to know if we'd be dropping our ds off at her house on our way to the hospital. Dh just answered that the midwives were just arriving, she's gonna have the baby at home and ds is sleeping. *Silence* She was shocked, but dh didn't give her any time to respond, told her he'd call back later. I guess they paced the floors in worry, expecting the worst, thinking of all the what ifs, planning a lecture. Right after she was born, safely I might add, my family arrived- my 2 sisters, mom, dad. I had 2 awesome, capable midwives, plus 1 student, my ds (almost 2 yrs) had woken just prior to the birth and was happy and calm, then MIL and FIL arrived. They could not argue with the peaceful happy scene they arrived upon. It was just plain special in my FILs words. MIL admitted that she guessed it was ok since we were 2 minutes from the hospital, but I was sure lucky that it wasn't a 10 lb baby or something cause I'd never be able to do that at home.

Most people were surprised and said "cool". Several made the annoying common remarks along the lines of "oh I could never do that, I'd be so afraid something would go wrong" or "I/my baby would have died if I had birthed at home" (could be true, but they fail to realize a lot of the baby distress happening in the hospital is *caused* by the hospital- creating emergencies and then fixing them and playing hero) and even "is that legal?" A lot of people are passive aggressive on the topic. They say all about what they want or would do in order to make you feel as if you made a stupid and unsafe choice, but w/o coming right out and saying it, kwim? Like "Oh my, not for me, I want doctors and nurses and people that are trained to handle emergencies, a clean sterile OR just in case, I'd never forgive myself if anything went wrong in that situation" etc.

I love to bring up my friend who is about 5 ft tall and has about the smallest hips EVER who had her 10 lb baby at home (but, um, NOT lying down in bed, that's for sure...), and my other friend whose hospital born (via cesarean, actually) baby ended up catching MRSA from the hospital when people start bothering me with those kinds of stories Usually shuts them up pretty quick...