How do you homeschool the perpetually negative/perfectionist child?

[~Boudicca~]

This is about dd1, she is 7. I guess you could say we are eclectic/borderline unschooling. The unschooling comes into play basically because anything I have ever tried to implement/suggest is pretty much met with her stonewalling or hating everything. If it is not her idea or something she loves loves loves to do, she hates it.

She is a huge perfectionist in everything she does. If she makes a mistake on the low end of the spectrum she will berate herself until I have to tell her to chill out because hearing her walk around all day long saying, "I suck! I'm stupid! I'm horrible at everything I do! etc" is making me nuts. On the other end of it she will rip up or throw what she is doing, stomp around, or throw herself on the floor crying (this could be over a simple worksheet or over something she is playing with, or a picture she is drawing). No amount of reassuring her that she doesn't suck or helping her figure out what is giving her trouble will work.

We do Progressive Phonics for about 10-15 minutes each night and honestly I'm ready to give up. She complains and complains about what we're doing and if she forgets a letter sound or a word she gets upset because she made a mistake, then pretty much gives up. If I try to have her figure out a word by sounding it out she acts terrified, chatters her teeth, and won't do it because, "she doesn't know and doesn't want to get it wrong." She says she wants to learn how to read but she acts like she isn't. I am really really laid back especially because if she even thinks I am annoyed (which honestly, I am, but I hide it. It gets really old having her tweak over the smallest bump in the road) then she becomes even more disagreeable.

I almost feel like I have to unschool by default right now because I don't know what else to do and anything that isn't child-led (by her) is unacceptable.

Thoughts?

[MissRubyandKen]

Hugs. Maybe she does need to unschool right now. Maybe at eight or nine she will be more mature? Then again maybe she will still have the same issues. It is hard being a parent! I've had issues with my ds where I really did have to expect more rather than less and pretty much push him out of his comfort zone to see improvement, yk? Its hard to know when to push and when to back off sometimes. Maybe she needs her family to be honest in a constructive way instead of hiding feelings. Have you tried telling her how it affects you when she behaves that way? If she has a good range of things she enjoys and is learning from I'd probably consider backing off, especially with Phonics. If she would sit and play video games or watch tv most of the day, I probably wouldn't. I'd consider that maybe she needs more, not less. More structure, more responsibilities, etc.

And I'd advise to maybe not engage when she does the 'I suck' thing. Give her one reassuring positive comment, like I think you did good, You answered ten problems correctly, or I like the orange flowers in the picture. One comment to display something positive that she isn't focusing on and leave it at that. Hope that she will process it eventually. Maybe she mostly needs to work out her frustration herself and feels like you are trying to talk her out of it. If it is affecting you or another family member negatively at that moment, politely tell her so and ask that she goes to a different room, or remind her of other ways she can deal with frustration without negatively affecting others.

[floiejo2]

I think we have the same dd. Mine is 5 and I could have written your post. We just stated homeschooling a few months ago and let me tell you, I've questioned very often if I was doing the right thing. The few things that have really helped us were to sit down and have a good talk about why we're doing the things we're doing. I've had to really learn to take things easy and not push in the slightest bit, which yes can get very frustrating when dealing with a child like this. I've started focusing on the effort she's making instead of getting things right or wrong, esp with writing letters backwards and such. Just let it go and figure she'll figure it out. If I can move on quickly, she doesn't beat herself up too badly. I try to calm her down if she starts to get mad or frustrated with herself by taking a break, being silly, telling her about something I do wrong sometimes. Another huge thing for us has been me learning that she is a very right brained learner where I am a left. And she's a highly sensitive child. I've been reading the Highly Sensitive Child and Unicorns are Real and both have helped me in the way I approach things. It's all a learning process and it's exhausting! I'm with you! I've been more and more thinking about unschooling and it seems to work better for us right now too.

[Mittsy]

My dd isn't really negative, but she is a major perfectionist so I get where you're coming from. We unschool quite a bit because dd LOVES it, and it just makes things easier for me. But, I also incorporate unit studies and montessori into our homeschooling so she can get the most(literally) out of what she's interested in at the moment and I feel useful.

[LionTigerBear]

Have you tried treating her moderate anxiety with diet, supplement, homeopathic, flower essences, or some other natural means? I would read Change Your Brain Change Your Life and The Mood Cure and go from there.

[Violet2]

I am not an experienced hs momma yet but I just wanted to say that I would work with her on reframing her dialogue on her performance. I would say that is probably more important than reading.

Imagine this negative self-perception as she hits puberty or has issues with her professional life or marriage later on? It's really destructive behavior and it worries me. Nor, ime, is it likely to get better on its own.

I can't think of any books or resources like that off the top of my head but some coaching techniques I have used are...

1.You have 30 seconds to complain and then I want to hear 3 solutions that will help.

2. "It's more important to focus on what we did right and how we can improve than it is to complain about what we did wrong. Can you tell me what you did well and how we can work together to improve your skills?"

But I would do all of this in the context of discussing how the negativity is not healthy or helpful.

Lastly, is she oppositional in other areas or is it just schooling? If it's across the board, perhaps she needs more boundaries or a different parenting approach???

And has she been assessed for any learning differences? Some dyslexia is okay at her age and quite common and kids 'outgrow' it as they develop their reading skills. But persistent learning issues can lead to really negative self-perceptions ime.

I usually see this negativity in teenagers with learning differences who are illiterate both for reading and math. In their case, intervention was so long in coming they completely lost faith in themselves and the school, as a result they hate themselves and the schools. If your DD at 6 (or was it 7) is already so down on herself that it reminds me of some of my students, I hate to think of the road ahead of her. Usually at her age, they are still pretty happy go lucky which is why early intervention is so important-- not just to fix things asap, but also to get to them before they believe their academic failures are character flaws.

So, in summary, I don't think this is about reading at all and I wouldn't address it as an isolated academic problem.

HTH
V

[ktmeyer]

My son was like that to an extent. We talked alot about how if people weren't supposed to make mistakes then pencils wouldn't come with erasers

Also, there are some great quotes by famous people about how mistakes and failures are the most important part of learning, maybe print some out for her, even have her frame them?

[amis2girls]

I am with you. My oldest daughter will be eight, and it's very hard to keep her interest in anything. Some days are good, some I want to throw my hands in the air.

[*Lisa*]

You might want to read Mindset by Carol Dweck... The book discusses ways to help kids move from a fixed mindset (the idea that you have a certain amount of ability, so you must not have the right ability if you can't do something) to a more growth oriented mindset. I hope this helps!

[sierramv]

I posted something similar to this a couple of weeks ago, because my DS, 7 is the exact same way. Someone suggested the book "Freeing your child from negative thinking" It was very insightful and we are working through a couple of there suggestions. It has been very helpful for us.

My biggest problem more than the total meltdown over getting the simplest thing wrong was that I want him to go through life thinking he can do anything.

Someone else suggested not correcting everything. Like if he does 15 math problems and gets 2 wrong just becasue he forgot to do something simple that I know he gets, I won't bring it up unless it continues to be a problem. But before the next lesson I will remind him specifically about what he missed (without telling him that he missed it), if that makes any sense. Like if he added instead of subtracted I will say "now remember to pay close attention to the signs, they can trick you up". I am finding that while doing this and trying to keep it VERY positive he is really responding well, and then when I do have to correct him he doesn't seem to take it so hard.

Good luck, please keep us posted as to how things are going, I think this is a very important subject and support for each other and our DC is important.