I can't believe that I am here writing this. I also can't believe that I have not been here sooner writing this. I think my marriage is over, for good. I will give the shortest "in a nutshell" version that I can.
About 5 years ago, we got in the biggest fight ever. He had been borderline verbally abusive in the past (during arguments) but never like that night. He threw a heavy glass jar in my direction and it accidentally hit DD who was crawling around at the time. It never would have hit more than my feet, so I believed him when he told me afterwards that he was not throwing it AT me, but in that moment, I was so scared because he continued to scream and threaten me, as I scooped up DD. I ended up taking her to the ER with a big bump on her forehead. I was so wound up and scared and shocked...all that is running through my head at the time is that this is the beginning of abuse and it cannot be happening to me...I called the police on my way to the hospital. They ended up arresting DH that evening. I stayed in a hotel that night, sure that we were finished, but came home the next day to meet with him and a CPS case worker. At his court date, I told the judge that it was an accident, that he was throwing the jar on the ground, not at DD and not at me. The case was dismissed.
After months and months of not knowing what to do (stay or go), I decided I still loved him and wanted to work through it. We sort of fell into a "normal" pattern, the unspoken remained unspoken and we continued our life. We fought occasionally, but never like that again, though he still tended to get verbally abusive when fighting. We NEVER spoke about that night after the day his case was dismissed.
This past New Year's Eve, we got in an argument and he raised that night to express how he could never really trust me again. While I had found it in my heart to forgive him for his mistakes that night, he clearly had never really forgiven me for calling the police. We talked and while we both agreed that this would remain there in between us, we both still loved each other, etc. We did not talk about it again over the past months.
Then he recently travelled overseas (home country). When he arrived at Immigration, they gave him a hard time as his arrest showed up in the system as an open case. We are going to tomorrow to get the record as we thought the case was closed.
We exchanged few words over the past few days. I came home from work and went to the room to cry. He came in and basically accused me of all this being my fault. I mumbled something about the fact that this is always going to be there between us. Part of me was hoping that we would talk it out. Instead, he said yes and walked away.
OVer the past 5 years, our marriage had its ups and downs...sometimes feeling that I cannot believe that my marriage is not what I expected, other times feeling that everything between us was fine...a charade with the rest of the world and a charade between us...we are even in the midst of househunting...maybe that perfect house will help to sell the charade, to us, to others because, of course, only a lovely family would live in such a lovely house.
I don't know where this is leading after tomorrow. I cannot come to terms with the idea of a divorce. Of DD not having Daddy there at home with her. He has a lot of good qualities. He is not a bad person. I think that we both made regrettable choices that fateful night. We cannot undo it. We cannot seem to get past it. Though I got past my anger at him for getting so out of control, I cannot help but be angry that, after 5 years, he cannot see his role in any of the current mess. According to him, it is all my fault. THAT makes angry and sad.
For the first time in our marriage, I went to bed this evening without speaking to him, but I could not sleep. I feel so alone, so uncertain, so in shock. Fearful of it being over. Fearful of falling back into our charade, a no man's land where nothing is resolved...I have nobody that I have told any of this to in real life. I just cannot face that. This is not supposed to be MY life. MY life was supposed to be different.
I have spent the last years avoiding this forum and Parents as Partners... reading about the problems of others would have been too close to home... better to avoid it because, after all, THAT was not what MY life was supposed to look like.
But here I am...it is MY life...and it always will be, which is the part that I have the hardest time getting over. I will never have the marriage or life that I wanted. This is not what DD's parents' life is supposed to be like. I am so sad, for myself, for her, even for him. I don't want DD to feel the sadness between us. My parents divorced a few years ago after many years of apparent sadness between them. As their adult child, it brings me such sadness. I did not want DD to feel such sadness. Part of me would be willing to agree to remain married, living together as her parents, united by the only thing that has probably kept us going this long. I think that he would be willing to do the same.
Thank you for reading this far. I am going to bed now...hoping to escape this life for just a few hours...
About 5 years ago, we got in the biggest fight ever. He had been borderline verbally abusive in the past (during arguments) but never like that night. He threw a heavy glass jar in my direction and it accidentally hit DD who was crawling around at the time. It never would have hit more than my feet, so I believed him when he told me afterwards that he was not throwing it AT me, but in that moment, I was so scared because he continued to scream and threaten me, as I scooped up DD. I ended up taking her to the ER with a big bump on her forehead. I was so wound up and scared and shocked...all that is running through my head at the time is that this is the beginning of abuse and it cannot be happening to me...I called the police on my way to the hospital. They ended up arresting DH that evening. I stayed in a hotel that night, sure that we were finished, but came home the next day to meet with him and a CPS case worker. At his court date, I told the judge that it was an accident, that he was throwing the jar on the ground, not at DD and not at me. The case was dismissed.
After months and months of not knowing what to do (stay or go), I decided I still loved him and wanted to work through it. We sort of fell into a "normal" pattern, the unspoken remained unspoken and we continued our life. We fought occasionally, but never like that again, though he still tended to get verbally abusive when fighting. We NEVER spoke about that night after the day his case was dismissed.
This past New Year's Eve, we got in an argument and he raised that night to express how he could never really trust me again. While I had found it in my heart to forgive him for his mistakes that night, he clearly had never really forgiven me for calling the police. We talked and while we both agreed that this would remain there in between us, we both still loved each other, etc. We did not talk about it again over the past months.
Then he recently travelled overseas (home country). When he arrived at Immigration, they gave him a hard time as his arrest showed up in the system as an open case. We are going to tomorrow to get the record as we thought the case was closed.
We exchanged few words over the past few days. I came home from work and went to the room to cry. He came in and basically accused me of all this being my fault. I mumbled something about the fact that this is always going to be there between us. Part of me was hoping that we would talk it out. Instead, he said yes and walked away.
OVer the past 5 years, our marriage had its ups and downs...sometimes feeling that I cannot believe that my marriage is not what I expected, other times feeling that everything between us was fine...a charade with the rest of the world and a charade between us...we are even in the midst of househunting...maybe that perfect house will help to sell the charade, to us, to others because, of course, only a lovely family would live in such a lovely house.
I don't know where this is leading after tomorrow. I cannot come to terms with the idea of a divorce. Of DD not having Daddy there at home with her. He has a lot of good qualities. He is not a bad person. I think that we both made regrettable choices that fateful night. We cannot undo it. We cannot seem to get past it. Though I got past my anger at him for getting so out of control, I cannot help but be angry that, after 5 years, he cannot see his role in any of the current mess. According to him, it is all my fault. THAT makes angry and sad.
For the first time in our marriage, I went to bed this evening without speaking to him, but I could not sleep. I feel so alone, so uncertain, so in shock. Fearful of it being over. Fearful of falling back into our charade, a no man's land where nothing is resolved...I have nobody that I have told any of this to in real life. I just cannot face that. This is not supposed to be MY life. MY life was supposed to be different.
I have spent the last years avoiding this forum and Parents as Partners... reading about the problems of others would have been too close to home... better to avoid it because, after all, THAT was not what MY life was supposed to look like.
But here I am...it is MY life...and it always will be, which is the part that I have the hardest time getting over. I will never have the marriage or life that I wanted. This is not what DD's parents' life is supposed to be like. I am so sad, for myself, for her, even for him. I don't want DD to feel the sadness between us. My parents divorced a few years ago after many years of apparent sadness between them. As their adult child, it brings me such sadness. I did not want DD to feel such sadness. Part of me would be willing to agree to remain married, living together as her parents, united by the only thing that has probably kept us going this long. I think that he would be willing to do the same.
Thank you for reading this far. I am going to bed now...hoping to escape this life for just a few hours...
