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my daughter - Page 2

post #21 of 25
Originally Posted by redclover View Post
The days he looses his stuff and aims it with out regard at my kid I can't help but jump to my guard.
That is no kind of way for you to live and build a family life with this man, or most importantly no kind of way for your daughter to live. What is the attraction to walking on eggshells the rest of your life?

Originally Posted by redclover View Post
I think though that if I question anything, he will leave the state and never talk to me again. He is just that cut and dry.
For me, that would be a red flag the size of Montana. He's already made you an emotional hostage, not to mention what he 's doing to your daughter's evolving sense of self.

Originally Posted by redclover View Post
I'm scared to leave him. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to.
I think you already know the answers to these questions.
post #22 of 25
I think counseling would be enormously beneficial to you right now, OP. Love is not selfish, and it is not abusive. Love isn't merely tolerating the things you don't like about another person, especially an innocent child.
post #23 of 25
Speaking as a child who had a stepfather who did not even like her... guess who I blame for my horrid childhood? Him? A little. But who do I REALLY blame? HER, my mother, the person who was suppose to love and PROTECT me!! I left home at 16 and then left town and it was years before I even spoke to her again! 15 years later I finally came back to town and just now, at age 40, do I feel like I've repaired my relationship with my mother, but even so, I still have the scars from what she put me through.

My stepfather didn't beat me, he provided financially etc. but he said the meanest things that still hurt to remember to this day! I haven't forgotten one cruel word...or the cat that he killed right in our front yard.

Violence always escalates. I was married to a man who used words to hurt, was always stressed, blamed the stress, was always sorry.... it took ten years to get to the point where he hit me. I don't know why I didn't leave then, but the day he took a swing at his eight year old son, we were outta there! My now 18 year old son doesn't want to be around his dad, now that he has a choice...and he loves him, but he refuses to take the abuse.

I wish someone had told me back then what I'm about to point out to you now. What you are doing right now, is giving your daughter the model of what a relationship is. Do you want her to grow up and take whatever a man dishes out because he is stressed? As long as he says the right words later, that his actions do not matter? Just truly and seriously think about that.

What kind of marriage do you want for her someday? And compare it to the example you are giving her. Because kids do as we do, not as we say. Plus, being verbally abused leads to low self esteem and that leads to taking crap because you think it's all you deserve.

One last point to consider, I'm serious about violence escalating. It may be just words now, but one day the stress might be worse.... And if you have another child with him, consider that a lot domestic abuse STARTS when the woman is pregnant. When you are most helpless and dependent.

post #24 of 25
My stepfather didn't beat me, he provided financially etc. but he said the meanest things that still hurt to remember to this day! I haven't forgotten one cruel word...or the cat that he killed right in our front yard.

post #25 of 25
Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post
You are brave to admit these feelings. Now you have to be brave enough to put your daughter first. She deserves better.

I could not marry someone who did not love my daughter as much as he loved me. I would be sacrificing her well-being.
Please listen to these words. You are your daughter's Hero. You are her protector, her mother. As her protector, you cannot marry this guy and keep her in this situation.

Locally, in the past month there has been 2 or 3 cases of babies/toddlers being beaten, to near death, by....guess who? The mom's boyfriend. Sometimes the bf doesn't have the patience, sometimes the bf feels jealousy towards the child's relationship with mom, sometimes it's just......? Do NOT let your daughter be a victim to his short temper. What if you're not home on the day he loses his cool and beats or kills your daughter? Listen to your instincts.

I'm a single mother. Finding a man who I can trust completely with my daughter is first on my list of finding the 'perfect man'. How could it not be? Even if I thought he was the perfect man, if my daughter had any reservations about him, he would be gone. Just like that. You're not the only one marrying him. Your daughter should be just as excited for you to marry him as you are. Listen to your instincts. Listen to your daughter. This guy does not deserve the two of you.

And I agree with the few posters who have mentioned that she will grow up to resent YOU if you keep this guy in her life. It will ruin your relationship and she will blame you for making her live with a stepfather who she's not thrilled about.

Wedding's are expensive. Divorce's can be even more expensive...and messy. Pray to your God (if you have one) about direction. Open your heart and listen to the answer. And please, no matter what, listen to your daughter. If she doesn't like the man you're living with/going to marry, listen to her.
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