Am I the reason for our sleep problems?

[lessmith23]

Recently I've started to question my parenting choices as they related to sleeping and feeding on demand. I'm starting to feel like our sleep problems are something I've created. DD is 7.5 months old and from about 6 weeks to 3.5 months STTN (or at least a 4-5 hour initial stretch). Since then her sleep has progressively gone downhill. Some nights she wakes up every hour (the other night every 1/2 hour after 3 a.m.) and her initial first stretch of sleep is sometimes only an hour with a wake-up in the middle. We get a good night out of the blue once in a while but mostly she's up A LOT and will not go back to sleep (and stay asleep) without nursing. We've tried rocking, paci, mom only, dad only, mom and dad together...nothing seems to work.

We co-sleep part time because I don't think I'd be able to function otherwise which is why I feel like I'm partly to blame for DD's crappy sleeping. In my quest to never make her CIO and be responsive to her needs perhaps I have never helped her learn how to sleep?

I know at this age she's going through a lot developmentally and I think she might also be starting to teeth......I guess I'm just looking for some support or words of encouragement. Even some suggestions of what we can do.

As much as I'm trying to be confident in my choices, it's difficult when many of my main-stream friends who sleep trained etc. and have their kids on a feeding schedule have kids that consistently STTN and go down without any issue and can seem to sleep anywhere. I really feel like I don't have a leg to stand on because maybe they are right. Maybe it is my fault?

TIA.

[coffeegirl]

Well, I think the reason your friends' children are sleeping through the night is because they've been trained to. Same with their food schedules. If they weren't trained to sleep through the night or to ONLY sleep with certain comforts (co-sleeping, etc.) then they obviously aren't going to be able to sleep any other way.

So I don't think your current situation is your fault really, (fault is the wrong word I think, maybe) but it's just a result of your parenting choices. Same with your friends.

[babywearer_anon]

I started to feel the same way when dd began sleeping worse around 5.5 months. I thought it was supposed to steadlily get better - not worse!! we co-sleep and breastfeed on demand and I also questioned my choices on this. Now my dd is 9 months and I'm getting a few 2 or 3 hour stretches through the night. Somehow this has become normal now. I am not working outside the home so I am coping with this lack of sleep. I go to bed super early and sometimes nap during the day when she naps.
Anyhow, I don't know what to say to help - but I think that co-sleeping (part-time or whatever you do) and breastfeeding at night are totally normal and in fact are the norm in many many parts of the world. I think it would be great if our society was set up to support this more!

[NEastMomma]

Oh, you poor thing. First let me tell you that I sympathize. I really, really do. I too have a 7mo and I understand how hard it is to make "non-mainstream" decisions when everyone around you seems mainstream, and it is doubly hard when you're sleep deprived! So first thing first: You have done nothing wrong. Ok? It sounds like you're a great mom who has been listening to your baby's needs.

This article by Peggy O'Mara really helped me: http://www.drmomma.org/2009/10/sleep...ing-night.html (I know it is in Mothering Archives as well but found it on that site quickly, so here ya go).

Babies wake up during the night for a myriad of reasons, usually not b/c of something mom has done or didn't do.

I am in a mommy-baby music-type class w/ many "mainstream" moms, most of whom sleep train via CIO. And all I ever hear is how they have to keep re-training thier babes cuz the sleep training is not "sticking." People who say their babies sleep through the night are generally exaggerating or else their just liars, ha!

I wish I could give you tips, but I don't really have any. MY DH and I recently started co-sleeping (actually that article above is what finally convinced DH) and it has helped me to get significantly more sleep as I barely wake to feed baby.

PS: My mom always says (in regards to babies) "Whatever you do can be undone later." In other words, go ahead and nurse if that's what gets you sleep! HANG IN THERE!

[llwr]

Not your fault!

My girls got worse at about that 3.5 mos too. I think it's a pretty normal, developmental thing. They change from newborn sleep to baby sleep at that time and the cycles are different and they're so much more aware of their surroundings.

There are gentle ways that you can help your baby learn to sleep better. Elizabeth Pantley has some great books. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it does help.

Being up every half hour falls under the "You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your baby" category for me. There's a big difference to me about being up a couple of times and all night long.

I also think it's good to have routines -- flexible ones, not a rigid schedule. My DD2 is 5 months now, and I've been offering her food and naps at about the same time every day. If she asks for it some other time, of course I'll give it to her, but we all seem happier when we have an idea of what will happen during the day. I don't think this has to be at conflict with on-demand feeding or co-sleeping.

And some babies just aren't good sleepers no matter what. (My first.) (But they can still get better).

One thing that I just discovered is that if she has had her eyes closed for a while, but blinks or looks around just for a bit, she can usually be put in her crib and go to sleep with shushing and cuddling. Too soon and she's not ready, eyes closed and seemingly asleep and it bothers her too much. The magic time for us is the eyes open nobody home look, but it only has to be there for a second to work.

If they go to sleep on their own, they can be more likely to stay asleep on their own.

I hear you about wondering if you made her that way. I actually never felt that way, but DH did. DD1 was the worst sleeper and I was the only person he knew who didn't CIO.

[ssh]

What your doing is the perfect thing for your DD to develop good sleep habits. Her needs are being taken care of. She will have no anxiety or fear associated with sleep. All her associations with sleep are about feeling secure and comfortable.

Sleep gets more disrupted every time there's a major milestone coming and every time there are new teeth coming in. Then it gets better again for awhile. 7.5 months was one of our worst periods for trying to sleep. Our DD crawled forward for the first time and then started pulling up right after a 3 week period of keeping me up almost all night. She also got her first 4 teeth, all at the same time. Then she slept a lot better until her canines were coming in at 13 months. We co-slept and nursed on demand and DD was sleeping a good 8 to 9 hour stretch, nursing and then sleeping a few more hours right after all her molars came in (2.5). Since about 3.5 she sleeps a solid 10 hours, going to bed with no hassle as long as she's been awake 13 or 14 hours. She decided she wanted to sleep in her own room right after turning 4.

Your friends who 'sleep trained' probably have kids who are waking but not crying because they don't expect to be comforted. When the sleep trained LOs can get out of bed on their own they often become the toddlers and preschoolers who just won't stay in bed. A child who has CIO will probably have insomnia, depression, hypertension, or other stress related issues as a teen and young adult because stress hormones in infancy cause neurological damage.

[lifeguard]

First thing that helped me: stop talking to my mainstream friends about sleep. 100% refuse to discuss the subject because I found once I opened the door they felt it was an invitation to continually tell me how I was doing it wrong & eventually I HAD to let ds cio. By not having to constantly have these conversations I found my self-confidence improved.

Ds still does not sleep through the night (although he is now starting to once or twice a week so we're getting there). But he is healthy, happy, growing well, so he is doing well.

[MujerMamaMismo]

You are not the problem but waking hourly, all night long could be a sign that there is a problem. My DS is 14mths and his sleep was appalling - his longest stretch, which happened maybe once a week was 2hrs. Mostly though, he was up every 40mins to an hr. 12 days ago we got serious about a TOTAL elimination diet and after 2 nights of detox/withdrawl hell, we're sleeping with no more than 3 quick/easy wakings in a 12-13hr stretch. It's a miracle that I can't quite believe. Could diet/intolerances/allergies be a factor?

[Erin22]

Originally Posted by MujerMamaMismo

You are not the problem but waking hourly, all night long could be a sign that there is a problem. My DS is 14mths and his sleep was appalling - his longest stretch, which happened maybe once a week was 2hrs. Mostly though, he was up every 40mins to an hr. 12 days ago we got serious about a TOTAL elimination diet and after 2 nights of detox/withdrawl hell, we're sleeping with no more than 3 quick/easy wakings in a 12-13hr stretch. It's a miracle that I can't quite believe. Could diet/intolerances/allergies be a factor?

Could you tell me more about this? My dd wakes up every hour or two every night and I am on the verge of insanity. I don't eat dairy but I do eat a lot of soy and wheat (and chocolate ). What did you eliminate? I will try anything at this point!