so done with the negative, angry living situation!!

[nj's_mom]

DD, DH, and I all live in the in-law of my in-laws, his parents. There is a seperate entry, bathroom, etc but no kitchen.

His dad has PTSD from Vietnam but I'm not sure that explains everything- he is super awful. Let me explain- he is loud, angry, lacking in social graces, rude, mean, manipulative, and rough. He can also be very sweet. He also, to make matters worse, he has OCD like woah. Everything has to be just-so, or else he is going to FLIP.

I make an effort to avoid him because of how loud, angry, negative he is, but I have to cook in their kitchen, so that's tough. We were making dinner yesterday evening and DD touched their blinds. As I was saying "No, honey, don't touch the blinds," and making my way over to stop her, he FLIPPED. He started screaming, DONT TOUCH THE F****NG BLINDS and RUSHED towards her. Of course I got there first, blocked him, picked up up and whirled her away, diffusing the situation. Because DD is so loved in general, I think, she really wasn't very upset, if at all. But I was. I grew up with an abusive, loud, negative stepfather and it was very like that. I am SO unwilling to A.) put DD through this and B.) go through this again, as an adult.

So this morning I went out to make breakfast and FIL flipped on me, this time, with no baby around. Said I was stupid, a liar, incompetant, that of COURSE you should yell at a baby like that if they are touching blinds, and every other word was f***ing. It was very insulting. And LOUD. Meanwhile MIL stands by silently (really, wth is SHE going to do with this crazy fellow?!) and when there is a brief silence, I try to explain that A.) there is no excuse for the way he treated DD, it was not life or death and she had already stopped what she was doing when I asked her to and B.) there is NO excuse for speaking to me the way he was. It didn't matter to him.

So I walked away. Fuming and shaking and with adrenaline pumping. This is so much like how I lived for so many years, and swore never to return to. I am SO done with men like this and SO not exposing DD to this kind of thing.

So I've tentatively decided to fix up the spare room at my mother's house (in the same town) and keep a room there for DD and I for the time being. I told DH and he is obviously upset about me not being with him but I can't DEAL with this and don't think I should have to.

Am I wrong?! What would you do?!

Some backround: MIL has a daughter from a previous relationship, and when they got together (with FIL) girl was about my age. They fought and did not get along and he banned her from his house and MIL's life. There is no mention of her, no pictures, no nothing- or of her two daughters. MIL has to sneak phone calls and visits with her.

He has outcasted himself from the ENTIRE world. He has no family that will speak to him, not a single one, and not a single friend. Neighbors ignore them. They are like lepers because of his mean, rude, horrific anti social behavior. And I have REALLY tried hard to work with him- like him- understand him- but I have HAD IT.

[lotusdebi]

I think you've made the right choice. I would do whatever I could to avoid raising my child in that kind of situation as well.

[2cutiekitties]

I think you made the right decision. Admire you for putting up with him this long!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by lotusdebi

I think you've made the right choice. I would do whatever I could to avoid raising my child in that kind of situation as well.

[ps4624]

Get out now! Please, please, please leave now. That man is toxic and your beautiful baby girl does not deserve that kind of abuse. She touched a blind, for pity's sake!

I grew up in a household like that and I am sitting here nauseous with fear for you. Please, go to your mom's and don't go back.

[Grace and Granola]

I so feel for you.

When I had a 20 month old and 3 month old, I moved out of state and in with my ILs while my dh stayed behind to make enough money to get us a house near them. My FIL sounds alot like yours, but not explosive, very much passive aggressive. He took out all of his frustrations on my MIL, who is nearly a saint. He basically didn't speak to me after we had been there two weeks. I stayed there two months and there was no end in sight. I could not stay another minute in a house with a man who didn't like children! (or me) My situation also dredged up so many feelings from my past. I honestly felt like I was a teenager again. Walking on egg shells and trying not to rock the boat. Finally I asked a friend if we could move in with her. We went from living in a 3000 sf house with the ILs to a 1100 sf house with my friend, me, dh, the kids and our 100lb dog and it was SO much better!!

Is there a way you could move out but not be separated from your dh? I hope you can find a solution soon. I wouldn't keep my kids around someone that explosive.

[nj's_mom]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

We are at my mother's for the night. Unfortunatly co sleeping in a twin is not so comfy, hence me being up at 1:30 in the morning. But that's an issue we can work out.

DH is very upset- he does not like to sleep alone or be without me/us, which I can totally understand. I don't know what to do. We just moved out of my mother's a few months ago and we were very excited about the increase in space, privacy, whatnot. But it's not worth the toxicity.

Ugh! I am picking up a job watching my Aunt's new baby in a few weeks, that should bring some more money in. Possibly then we will be able to afford our own place. My fingers are crossed.

For now I'm trying to support myself in that even if life is not ideal here- it's the atmosphere and the people that count, not the physical locale.

[ps4624]

I am really proud of you for making the best choice for your DD! You rock!

[MPsSweetie]

I would definitely do whats right for your dd, but my dh has combat related ptsd... he has some really bad days, it's an awful thing for him also....

[K-Mom3]

It sounds like refusing to live there ever again is a great idea, just make sure to work it out with dh to figure out what to do next. I am currently on the other end of this--my dh making major decisions for our family without consulting me--and it is really messing up our marriage. I also think that it would really hurt my feelings if dh made living arrangements for himself that didn't include me, even temporarily.

[nj's_mom]

FIL & MIL called a "family meeting" tonight. My room here has not been set up & I am exhausted from mastitis so I went home last night to sleep there, just stayed on "our side" with the door locked.

On my way out this A.M. they told me MIL had been sso stressed she'd had to stay in bed all day yesterday and it "can't go on like this". I'm like okay, but pretty sure it's not all my fault? I'm going to sit down with them while DD is w/ my mother though, see what they have to say. It can't hurt. I don't want to make things worse.

[pauletoy]

Hope everything is ok.

[hillymum]

From the sounds of it even if you sleep on the floor at your moms home you would be better off. I'm sure your FIL can't help how he reacts, especially if he isn't receiving any treatment, but that is no reason why you need to put up and shut up about the way he behaves. I'm impressed with how you have handled the situation so far!

[nj's_mom]

Thanks guys!!

So last night when I got home with DH and DD, I let DH take DD in for a tubby while I cooked dinner and put away the groceries.

MIL&FIL were sitting watching TV in the family room which adjoins the kitchen. FIL kept making rude and insinuating comments while I was cooking (about my religion, saying how Unitarianism isn't even a real religion because they don't even believe in Jesus!!!) and a bunch of other stuff. Not to mention insulting MIL and being really awful in general. I bit my tongue and just didn't take the bait.

After dinner I was cleaning up and it was 8:00, time to put DD to bed, and I was tired, I'm just getting over mastitis. I asked if there was a specific purpose to the meeting, as I didn't just want to get into pointless arguement.

And FIL goes- no way, you're just going to sit there, shut up, listen to what I have to say, and I don't want to hear any counter point that doesn't make any f****** sense to me. And if you don't like it, there's the f****** door. And so obviously I was NOT down with that and told him so. And he starts in on all this crapola- about how I wasn't in touch with the real world, in the real world people yell at kids and it's okay, and I don't let MIL watch her enough, blah blah blah. And every other word was a swear directed at me. And so I told him the reason MIL couldn't watch DD more (aside from crazy untrained nippy dogs and a non-childproofed house) was FIL and his toxic, negative, loud, judgemental, angry mannerisms.

And it just went on until I (at this point shaking from anger/adrenaline, heart pumping, feeling sick, totally having flashbacks from my own childhood) said ENOUGH! And went to our "side of the house" and put DD to bed. DH went out to see wth was going on and he decided to go for a ride with his mother to talk without FIL there.

And when he came back, he was horrified, ashamed of his mother- apparently she said she was considering not having a relationship with DD, because she "didn't want to get hurt." WTH???

This from a woman who abandoned her daughter when she met this new man- and so consequently has little to no relationship with her two grandchildren- since FIL forbids her to have ANY contact or mention of any of them, and there are no pictures, no TRACE of their existence. It's sick.

Now she's going to abandon yet another grandchild for someone who is so openly abusive to her???

I just don't get it. But I told FIL&MIL that we were moving out. We will not be going back there. I will not even describe the scene this morning, the screaming, the swearing, the breaking glass. I will just say- DD will never be in that house again unless FIL is good and gone. Which is highly unlikely.

-deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths-

So I am trying to be gentle with myself, I am getting the room ready here, painting the walls a nice soft relaxing shade of blue or purple, trying to plan the decor.

And thanking the heavens that DD and I do not HAVE to live in that toxic situation. It makes total sense to me that MIL suffers majorly from autoimmune disorders.

Ugh, I wish I could just ban all this negativity from my mind/body/spirit ....

[LionTigerBear]

Oh my goodness!

You are one strong mother! Thank goodness your DH is seeing things clearly.

[pauletoy]

All I can say is "wow, what a jerk!" Please never go back there. That man needs some serious help. I hope you will find peace at your mother's house.

[magster]

Good for you getting out of there!

If your MIL didn't stand up to her husband over her own daughter, she's not going to now either.

[hotmamacita]

I just had this head-spinning conversation with someone. I was direct and clean and it was a messy interaction. I feel manipulated and this is the third time I have felt this from this person. I am direct and clean and/or minding my own business and things get spun into something it is not. It is unfortunate but sometimes we need a few interactions with others to understand how they relate to the world around them.

Sometimes people who have suffered trauma cannot see beyond themselves. Sometimes they get volatile and whether it is outbursts or via manipulation it still seems designed to push the other person away. Sometimes people escaping their own trauma and pain inflict much on other people and if you try to expose that, they will attack you. Something in your FIL is attacking you and I do not think it is going to get better anytime soon.

It is entirely reasonable in the situation you describe to get out of that living situation. Why did not/does not your DH join you? That concerns me.

I have not read all the posts so forgive me if others have said this or there are updates. I think it is good and wise for you to remove yourself from that situation. I hope you get support in your decision to refuse to allow that.

[nj's_mom]

Thank you everyone--

I went back today to get some of my things while DD was with my mother, and got the opportunity to speak with MIL without FIL there. She is just so hopeless and depressed and said her reason for not leaving him is- she has nothing- nowhere to go, no money- ugh. I feel so awful for her.

She basically agreed with me on my issues w. how FIL treats/relates to DD- but she is afraid to speak out in front of FIL.

When FIL got home I was still gathering things and she asked me to sit down and explain to FIL how I felt. So I did. The conversation was a bit more civil, and there's this facade now that things are O.K., but I am still moving out and I am sticking to my guns about DD. But like I told MIL- she can choose to or not to have a relationship with DD, that door will always be open (until of course DD chooses to close it.) But with FIL, I need to see some progress before I feel comfortable with him being around her at all without me there. And I have a fair amount of control over that, since I am a SAHM.

anyways Im going to go spend some time with DD will post more later- thank u mommas for the support

[ps4624]

I am so proud of you! Yay, you! Your choice to put your daughter's safety and well being as the priority in this situation are right on! You are a rockin', bad-@ss mamajama and if you were here in my living room I would give you a big old smooch and a hug!