So sad for my 11 year old son

[QueeTheBean]

He has always been a pretty quiet kid at school, but by 3rd grade, was feeling happy. He had some boys at school that he was friendly with, although no one that he really hung out with too much after school, but he seemed content with that.

He started 6th grade this year and has really struggled. He is one of the youngest in his grade, and is very small and short & still looks like a little kid. From what he tells me, all the guys seems to be into girls, cell phones, video games, and talking about sex. He is not into any of that. He is in the advanced academic classes, and I guess things aren't too bad there--but no one wants to be his partner for anything, he is always the odd man out. Kids don’t pick on him in those classes, at least. In the other classes (non-academic), and on the bus, kids really pick on him/call him gay. He reads or does homework at lunch and on the bus (where they have assigned seats).

I did let him get a Facebook account (even though he is underage), because a lot of kids in school have it & I thought it would be a way he could start to connect with kids in a more comfortable way. It actually has worked ok, and he does have a few friends on there, but nothing earth-changing. At least it makes him feel a little “normal”. He also started emailing back and forth with my wonderful brother, who had some similar experiences at that age (and actually IS gay)--not sure that they even talk about school or the problems he's having, but it is still nice!

But still, he comes home almost every day and I can tell how bad he feels. My heart just breaks for him, and I don't know what to do. I am so grateful that he can talk to me about it, but I don’t know how to help. I talked to his 2 academic teachers & they were surprised. They thought he was a “loner” type who preferred to work alone & not have a partner. I set them straight about that & they said they would definitely do what they could to help him. I have suggested he see the school counselor (or a private-practice counselor) to see if they could help him feel more self-confident. He is resistant to joining any kind of groups that I have suggested (where kids would be more like-minded).

What should I be doing?

[MusicianDad]

What is his reason for resisting the other groups? Is he afraid that the same thing will happen that happens at school? He might be more open to it if he gets to pick which group.

[karne]

Are there any after school groups/clubs he would like? 11 is hard...the social piece is more consuming than I ever thought. Personally, I think his teachers need to be more observant and help guide him, or at least identify his risk in terms of being alone or bullied. I agree, the school counselor may be able to help.

[Linda on the move]

How are his social skills? Some kids pick up on social skills naturally, and some kids need to be taught.

I would consider telling him that he *must* try one outside activity (of his choice) for a set period of time.

I would also find ways to help him become more independant. Doing things for children that they could do for themselves lowers their self-esteem. Teach him to cook a few dishes he likes, do his own laundry, etc. Help him find a hobby.

I'd also give all the teachers he has a heads-up about the bullying. It shouldn't be allowed to continue.

[PoppyMama]

I was going to ask about his social skills too. School can be brutal for kids who don't come by those naturally but maybe a peer counselor could help with that. My dd resists activities too but I think she fears rejection or that it will be hideously boring and she'll have to go anyway...and she's not bullied. I might insist on one outside activity but I would let him try a couple to find a good fit.

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I was the youngest, and the smallest until fifth grade (I repeated fifth grade)

I never had an easy time making friends in my grade, but when I repeated fifth grade, I made friends. In fact, I probably was immature enough to play with kids two grades below me. I just wasn't at the same place as the kids that were all a year older.

I am not suggesting holding him back... but, perhaps if you found some kind of group activity where the kids are academically advanced, but are a little younger than he is, or his age, but a grade behind him.

It's been eight years, but my daughter's friend was like this. But, a "geek". He liked science, and computers, and math... the other kids weren't into any of that, and were a little mean to him. Or they completely ignored him. So, he signed his geeky little self up for a Pokemon card club that was held at a craft store every week. He was in heaven with these kids! He looked forward to seeing them each week. He had a birthday party and they all came. It was amazing. He's in the marching band in high school, in all honors classes, and is very happy. He told me recently "I just had to get through grade school alive, then I found my niche here"

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

It's been eight years, but my daughter's friend was like this. But, a "geek". He liked science, and computers, and math... the other kids weren't into any of that, and were a little mean to him. Or they completely ignored him. So, he signed his geeky little self up for a Pokemon card club that was held at a craft store every week. He was in heaven with these kids!

according to my 11 year old that would transform him from "geek" to "nerd." She says:

nerds -- kids who are at school to learn. They behave, do their homework and join accademic clubs. Behavoirs that get kids labeled "nerd" is all behavoirs that parents want from their kids. They have friends -- other nerds, who, ironically, are exactly the kids their parents would want them to have for friends.

geeks -- more interested in things that people. The kids who will grow up to be engineers or programmers and therefore have nice cars. They don't have many friends, and they really don't care. Fail to see the point of academic clubs or joinging much of anything. Parents worry about them, but they are happy the way they are.

dorks -- dorks are social misfits, but they keep trying anyway. They aren't super smart like nerds or geeks. They really would like to fit in but can't figure out how. They are the most likely to be bullied.

[chfriend]

This book might be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Bully-Bullied-.../dp/006001430X

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Originally Posted by Linda on the move

according to my 11 year old that would transform him from "geek" to "nerd." She says:

.

That's funny. My daughter and I had almost that same conversation ten minutes ago. She explained that being a geek is OK if you are geeky about cool things... but, if you are a geek who loves Harry Potter, you are a nerd, and that's not as cool as a Geek.

I even got the impatient sigh from her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

but, if you are a geek who loves Harry Potter, you are a nerd, and that's not as cool as a Geek.

my DD feels that nerds have friends, and geeks don't.

she said that she is "nerdish" but not a total nerd. Her reasoning is that she is on the chess club and shhhes people if they try to talk to her during class, but she dresses well and is a cheerleader.

[karne]

........my head is spinning here!

[dawningmama]

It's so hard because, really, we mamas can't fix this. The best you can do, IMO, is to be a sounding board, toss out suggestions when he seems open to hearing them and watch for anything that seems like s sign of serious trouble/depression. FWIW, 11 was rough for my son (now 12). He's a gentle soul and on the smaller side as well. We homeschool, though, so he has different challenges than he would in school. My husband said he remembered 11-13 being the worst bit of time for him. By 13, his confidence started to rebuild and he found his niche (band and track) and built a group of similarly misfit (ie, not sports-oriented) guy friends, and as a group they sort of befriended a group of band-geek girls.

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Originally Posted by Linda on the move

my DD feels that nerds have friends, and geeks don't.

she said that she is "nerdish" but not a total nerd. Her reasoning is that she is on the chess club and shhhes people if they try to talk to her during class, but she dresses well and is a cheerleader.

Yeah.. but my daughters are 17 and 23. So, it may have changed over the years.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by dawningmama

It's so hard because, really, we mamas can't fix this.

I disagree. I think parents can do a lot to help kids learn social skills, help kid find activities they enjoy, and help kids become confident by learning to do real things.

We can't really *fix* it, but we can give kids the tools they need to fix it for themselves.

[34me]

I am the parent of 2 nerdlings and one jock plopped in the middle. My 11 yo son sounds very similar to yours. We are blessed in that he goes to a very small (112 in K-6) EL school where the quirky is celebrated. He met his BF in K at another school and they are two peas in a pod, he just did well in a standard school setting where my ds did not.
I think where the issue lies is the bullies telling him he that there is something wrong with him. Where in fact he sounds like a great kiddo.

[dawningmama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I disagree. I think parents can do a lot to help kids learn social skills, help kid find activities they enjoy, and help kids become confident by learning to do real things.

We can't really *fix* it, but we can give kids the tools they need to fix it for themselves.

Right. That's pretty much what I said in my 2nd sentence. I meant we can't wave a wand over it to make the difficulty disappear. We can only help guide at this point.

[QueeTheBean]

OP here. Thanks for all the replies!

I only have a minute & will respond more later, but basically, yes, DS lacks social confidence/social skills with other kids (he is oddly fine with adults??).

He plays with two boys in the neighborhood who are both in 3rd grade. They are racing hot wheels in my hallway right now. I am guessing most 6th grade boys don't do that anymore (not that I care, of course--I don't see the rush in having them grow up so fast). It is weird--in theory, I don't think I'd want my 3rd grader playing with a 6th grader, but they do seem to get along well.

FTR, I was a total geek in school and DH was a complete nerd.

We had DS tested at age 7 or 8 for Asperger's Syndrome & while he did have many characteristics, the doc felt he was more "quirky" than autistic & he laid out a projected development scenario for me that I have to say, has been pretty much right on target.

DS is in band, but I hear from DS#2 that he wants to quit. I am going to do everything in my power to keep him IN! It was a great group to be in when I was in school--a refuge for many of us "misfits".

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I have a 10 YO, currently in 4th grade, but I can definitely see this being in his future. For those who think social skills can be taught -- by whom and how? I am not as socially skilled as I would like and am clearly not the right person and neither is DH. I don't want DS to feel as awkward as I did in middle and high school. Where would you suggest we turn?

[aussiemum]

My DS has had challenges making friends since he started school & has been picked on at lunch time by kids he really, really wanted to hang out with. Fortunately that did start to change last year, & this year he has even made a new friend who seems to be very nice & they enjoy each others company. I don't get too hung up on the age difference thing, it's more a sharing of interests that is important. If your (OP's) boy wants to play hotwheels right now instead of girls & cell-phones, well.... that's okay, you know what I mean? He's finding his niche. Soon enough he will be re-building a Mustang in your garage.

[bestjob]

I'm looking at this from the point of view of a 48 year old who has recently had a discussion with my good friend about the importance of knitting and origami in the world of mathematic.

The friend and I both have PhD's in Chemistry and the friend has just finished an MSc in Math and is wondering why I'm not interested in an advanced degree in topology.

Friends are hard to find. Real friends you "get" you. But if you follow your bliss, you'll find your friends. My bliss is science education and building a neighbourhood community within a suburban society. It's taken years to find my niche. The scars aren't totally erased.

What has held me together is my own family. They have been there through thick and thin and they have been there when my science friends haven't. My family modelled the community building that inspired me in the first place.