So sad for my 11 year old son - Page 2

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by 34me

I think where the issue lies is the bullies telling him he that there is something wrong with him. Where in fact he sounds like a great kiddo.

Yes, yes, yes.

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

We had DS tested at age 7 or 8 for Asperger's Syndrome & while he did have many characteristics, the doc felt he was more "quirky" than autistic & he laid out a projected development scenario for me that I have to say, has been pretty much right on target.

DS is in band, but I hear from DS#2 that he wants to quit. I am going to do everything in my power to keep him IN! It was a great group to be in when I was in school--a refuge for many of us "misfits".

That's interesting! My son is probably to the left of center on The Spectrum. He gets it from me. And I had a very difficult time of it in 5th through 7th grade. Eighth grade things started to calm down.

I don't have specific advice for you, other than to second the band thing. Dh and I met in high school orchestra. Dd is a freshman in highschool and is in band. It's her family and I'm grateful she's in with a good bunch of kids.

[QueeTheBean]

Originally Posted by bestjob

I'm looking at this from the point of view of a 48 year old who has recently had a discussion with my good friend about the importance of knitting and origami in the world of mathematic.

The friend and I both have PhD's in Chemistry and the friend has just finished an MSc in Math and is wondering why I'm not interested in an advanced degree in topology.

Friends are hard to find. Real friends you "get" you. But if you follow your bliss, you'll find your friends. My bliss is science education and building a neighbourhood community within a suburban society. It's taken years to find my niche. The scars aren't totally erased.

What has held me together is my own family. They have been there through thick and thin and they have been there when my science friends haven't. My family modelled the community building that inspired me in the first place.

Thanks for this. It made me cry, but not in a bad way. I try, if nothing else, to make my home a safe place for my kids to land.

[prairiebird]

ditto to what bestjob posted. I was similar in school, and general not-fitting-in became really awful torturing in jr. high and high school. It really took a beating on my self-esteem. Interestingly, even though I was shy, I was happy with girl scouts- especially in the older years. Most people drop out by high school, so the ones still in are likely to be similar in personality. And then I got to college and realized there were all sorts of people just like me.

Now I have a son that's 10 who now homeschools, but last year was in 2nd in public school. They were already starting to talk about some of these things then, and my son was no where near interested in that. He was already starting to not fit in then. (My decision to homeschool was not related to a social aspect of school.) Interestingly enough, when we enrolled him into cub scouts in one town over (the closest pack) he met a bunch of other boys that wanted to build bows and arrows and talk about dragons/fantasy stuff just like him. I'm not saying you need to push your son into a group, but there could be something out there for him. (ex. volunteer work on occasion in an area that holds his interest?)

I think some personality/ interests per year are regional and cultural as well. In a more rural or poorer area, cell phones and video games might not be the big thing. My husband teaches that age group 5th-8th. Where he is at now, the 6th graders are kind of like you described- into texting/video games/starting to talk about sex alot. Two years ago at a different school, his 6th graders were into sports bigtime, with fantasy sports team things being the big thing (lots of stats, boys fighting with each other because their 'team' was better etc.). When he first started out after college, he was at a school where the 6th graders were really big on fighting about John Deere's and International Harvesters and how many points were on the deer your dad shot. (Being from huge urban area, this was kind of shocking to him on how serious kids were taking this- fist fights over what equipment your dad had for his field, teasing someone because his dad's buck was small- a bit of culture shock for us.)

None of which is going to help your son fit in where he's at right this second, but sometimes it helps to keep in mind that in the school one county over, maybe the 6th graders are building elaborate tracks for their hot wheels and your son'll meet them when he's a teen.

[Jennyfur]

I wanted to offer some words of encouragement. You could be describing my son at your son's age. Getting through grade school was academically easy but socially difficult for him. We tried to teach him social skills (he doesn't have Asperger's but is on the quirky side), and it didn't help that he was in classes with his very popular, socially adept twin sister.

Anyway, fast forward many years to now, and he's absolutely thriving. It's a joy to see. He's almost 16, and he's a sophomore in high school. He is a different kid--involved in so many activities (Latin Honor Society, Latin competition club, pep band, improv group, school satire newspaper), and he's found his niche. People "get" him, and he has friends.

The most important thing we did was find the right high school for him. He's in a science and tech program & it is absolutely the best fit. If you can find a similar program, one that's tailored to your son's strengths, I think you will find that your son comes through this beautifully.

I know it's hard right now.

[raksmama]

Originally Posted by Jennyfur

The most important thing we did was find the right high school for him. He's in a science and tech program & it is absolutely the best fit. If you can find a similar program, one that's tailored to your son's strengths, I think you will find that your son comes through this beautifully.

I was going to suggest something similar to this.

You said your son is good academically, would he qualify for a gifted program? If so, he might meet kids who are more similar to him

[QueeTheBean]

Interesting.

There is a math-science school (still a public school) that goes from middle school through HS. DS is very gifted in math--one of his math teachers said she used to be able to use his tests as the master copy to check the others.

My neighbor is in his grade and she goes there. I have spoken to DS several times about it, but he insists that he doesn't want to move. It has been a tough year, but he is so afraid to go somewhere where he would hardly know anyone. Better the devil you know, I guess?

It is already too late to get him in for next year, anyway--unless I begged or really pushed the school, MAYBE I would have a shot. He is just so darn stubborn, he won't even talk to her about it--or even consider visiting the school.

He is my firstborn, and I fully admit to being lost here--I could do babies & toddler, but this pre-teen thing is very challenging to me. I am not sure when to push and when to back off. Either way, I am feeling like a mom-failure.

[Jennyfur]

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

There is a math-science school (still a public school) that goes from middle school through HS. DS is very gifted in math--one of his math teachers said she used to be able to use his tests as the master copy to check the others.

My neighbor is in his grade and she goes there. I have spoken to DS several times about it, but he insists that he doesn't want to move. It has been a tough year, but he is so afraid to go somewhere where he would hardly know anyone. Better the devil you know, I guess?

It is already too late to get him in for next year, anyway--unless I begged or really pushed the school, MAYBE I would have a shot. He is just so darn stubborn, he won't even talk to her about it--or even consider visiting the school.

It's not uncommon for kids like ours to be a bit inflexible when it comes to change. Is there a natural age for transition that's coming up? You said he's in 6th grade--would he move to a new middle school next year, or did he already do that?

I really can't say enough positive things about what it's like for my son to be around similar-minded kids. The other cool thing about his particular public HS is that the science/tech/math magnet kids are within the larger, regular population. The HS has over 3,000 kids, and with so many students, there aren't really cliques; there's a niche for everyone.

Are there any ways you could introduce him to some of the students at the other school so he could get to know a few kids? Is there a summer program? You might want to call that school and have a talk with someone who's likely dealt with these situations before.

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean

Either way, I am feeling like a mom-failure.

You're not a failure.

BTW, my son is also a math guy, and his HS provides him with more math opportunities than other schools in the area. He's chosen to take an extra math course this summer in order to take a college math course (Differential Equations) in his senior year. How cool is that? If your son loves math, he'll likely love the extra classes available to him at the math/science school.