Support and/or advice appreciated

[Niblett]

Hi all,

So I have a beautiful 8.5 month old son who has never slept through the night. I seem to do everything that all friends, family, books and baby trainers tell me not to. For example, we co-sleep, I wear him most places, if he cries I will always respond – I cannot bear the idea of leaving him to cry (under any guise), it feels wrong and inhumane to me, if he wants to suckle I let him and I don’t believe in ‘baby-training’. I do provide a rhythm for him in the evening: we have dinner, then a bath with Daddy, then change for bed, say goodnight to all the rooms and daddy, read 2-3 books on the bed together, then he falls asleep on my breast in a matter of minutes. And then he wakes every 35-45 minutes (with occasional variation) until I get into bed next to him and then he wakes every 1-3 hours (ish) all night. I am exhausted and starting to frequently get depressed about it.

These supposedly helpful people would tell me I have brought it on myself, and that what I need to do is let him ‘cry it out’ and that I will eventually. Well they don’t know me because I won’t! I have also been told that I shouldn’t ‘run’ to him but wait and see if he calms on his own (same thing no?!) as am I not teaching him to expect instant gratification. I disagree. I would put up with this for as long as necessary before letting him cry. But nevertheless that doesn’t mean I don’t worry for his health and my own!

But what do I do!? In this area (his sleep) I feel like such a failure. I don’t know what to do. I even put him in his own cot for a few weeks a couple of months ago because I thought maybe I was keeping him awake and he would sleep better. Not so, I just had to get up out of bed every 1-2 hours to a crying baby. Big mistake, I still regret doing it. (I didn’t let him cry but him being further away from me meant I was less sensitive to his needs and slower to respond) I wish I could take back those few weeks.

My husband is going back to work in a matters of days/weeks and I don’t know how he is going to cope with things still like they are. Does anyone have any suggestions I can try to help my baby sleep for longer. For a long time I have just accepted that he is just this way but now hubby is about to start working again, things might get tricky...

Thank you for reading.

A mummy at her wits end xxx

[colsxjack]

My DD is 8 months old and does not sleep through the night.
She also co-sleeps with us. She goes down and sleeps by herself from about 7:30 until we get in bed at about 10:30. She may wake up about 9:30 or 10 and we usually go in and rock her for a minute and she goes back to sleep. If it is close to when my DW is going to bed then She will feed her. Either way, my DW will usually do a dream feed when she gets into bed.
Our DD will then wake up 2-4 more times per night.
I work and have to get up every morning. Most of the time I am not too disturbed by her waking. My DW is usually able to get a fairly good sleep too.

How we do it:
DD is in a crib side-carred to our bed. We all sleep a bit better when she is not actually in the bed with us but very easily accessible. When she wakes she cries for about 10 secs and my DW reaches out and pulls her into her and feeds her. They both doze. After about 10-20 minutes my DW usually half wakes and puts the baby back in her bed. Sometimes they sleep like that for awhile.

When she cries it sometimes wakes me, but then I am usually able to get right back to sleep. About once every two weeks it catches up to us and we are exhausted. Then we get back into a flow.

We have recently hooked a crib aquarium toy thing to the crib. We never let her play with it when it isn't bed time. For a couple of weeks we put it on the play when we put her down to sleep. Now every once in a while if she doesnt go right back to sleep after being fed or comforted we turn it on. We have gotten so that we can all go back to sleep with it on. The baby loves it and is learning how to hit the button to turn it on herself.

Some nights when I really have to get a better night sleep I have ear plugs ready and sleep with them when needed.

Good luck. Yes it does get exhausting. But we also cater to our DD's every need. We feel it is our job as a parent to an infant. She will one day learn to do all of this on her own. We just hope that she grows up to learn that we will be there for her whenever she needs us...even when it is inconvenient.
We are also not about to let her cry by herself whether it is at night or during the day.

Live your life and nurture your kids the way that feel right for you and it will make for a much happier and fullfilling life over-all.

[mumkimum]

For us, I remember that 8 mo period being the worst sleep-wise, so you may have the age working against you at this point.
It might help to consider whether and how much teething is happening - that really made any sleep issues we had worse (we used homeopathic remedies for teething which did end up helping improve sleep issues).
We also went through a period around this age where I realized that our dd was waking and crying when she'd pee at night and (though it was extra work for me) if I changed her she'd sleep longer.

Personally, I know I just gave in to coffee for awhile and eventually it improved (and now she's 3 and will actually fall asleep by herself - amazing! and without issues). Hang in there and do what you feel is best for you and your babe, that's what's important.

[pianojazzgirl]

First of all I wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing a great job parenting your ds.

He sounds an awful lot like my ds at that age. And a lot my friends' babies. Unfortunately the reality is that lots of babies wake up frequently throughout the night - at 8.5 months old and older. My ds was certainly waking up around that same frequency when he was that age. It has very slowly gotten better. He is now 2.5 yrs old and (when he's not sick) wakes zero to 3 times per night. The zero wakings per night have only happened very recently (since he turned two), and have only happened a handful of times. So, all that to say that a baby waking throughout the night is normal. I think a lot of parents (esp first-time parents) get the impression that their baby should be sleeping through the night from a very early age. I think for the most part this is not the biological norm (though my own dd did STTN from the age of 10 wks... I had no idea how lucky I was!). You are not doing anything wrong, and you are not creating a "bad behaviour" or anything. On the contrary you are nurturing your little one night and day. Good for you!

Now, on to the practicalities of a night-waking baby...

First of all, it gets easier with time, because you actually adjust to having less sleep.

Second of all - take naps! This seems to be common advice for mamas (and papas) of newborn babies, but less so when our babies are older. If you are tired then try to catch up on your sleep at other times of the day. And on the weekends get help from your dh so you can sleep in at least one of those days.

Thirdly - take it or leave it, but.... what worked for us was having dh sleep in the guest bed and ds and I sleep in the master bed. Dh snores and tosses and turns and would wake ds up, or me up, and it amounted to us all getting less sleep. Not sure if this applies in your case, or is something you and/or dh would want to do, but thought I'd throw it out there.

Fourthly - can you sleep while you nurse? (Do you lie down to nurse?). I spent a couple of years nursing ds throughout the night, but half the time I would fall asleep while he was nursing. One of the great benefits IMO to co-sleeping is that even though you might be nursing through the night you are still better rested than if you had to get out of bed, get baby from crib, etc (as you know from when you gave crib-sleeping a try).

Fifthly (is that even a word, lol?) - you might want to consider taking your ds to an osteopath or chiropractor. Sometimes there is physical discomfort that is keeping them awake. This did work for a friend of mine. But, of course, sometimes babies wake up because babies wake up. Don't forget that it's not your fault!

Keep up the good work!

[ps4624]

I'm in the same situation as you - my 13 mo DD has never STTN - I'm hoping she will by the time she's 30.

We co-sleep, and she often needs me to nurse her down 2-3x before I even get into bed. Once there, it's an all night nursing fest! It used to be more manageable, but now she cries out *every time* she wants to nurse and insists on switching sides every time. It sucks.

I've talked about night weaning her (especially after a particularly hard night), but honestly, I don't she's ready. I think she nurses so much because she needs it - her body is constantly growing and changing and her brain is, too.

Here's what I do to stay sane:

* Take sublingual B-12 (2500 mcg) every day. It makes me feel human.
* Exercise. I can tell the difference on the days that I don't
* Limit the caffeine to 1 morning cup. Otherwise, I'd be a junkie
* Saturday/Sunday morning sleep in. Don't care what's happening - my DH takes her for a few hours of uninterrupted mama sleep. It is more precious to me than almost anything

I hope it gets better for you soon!

[Louisep]

I have so been there. 8-10 months was brutal for us. The good news is that things are much better now, the bad news is that the numerous things we tried made no impact. In the end, it came down to managing my sleep deprivation. I napped with ds. Dh slept in another room and took ds when he woke for the day until he went to work. Weekends were my time to replenish sleep reserves.

Eat well, get out and about (helped with my depression) and I'd advise against caffeine - it prevented me from napping.

Finally, you may find helpful suggestions in The No Cry Sleep Solution by E Pantley.

Hugs

[Niblett]

Thank you all for your advice and supportive posts. It is a genuine relief to finally have found a community of parents whose views and actions on parenting are much more closely aligned with my own. I'm just sorry it took me 8 months!

Once my husband has been paid we are thinking of getting an arms reach cosleeper, so while ds is right by me he has his own space. I also like the idea of a crib toy of some description.

Hubby and I have decided to give each other 1 morning at the weekend where we take ds and the other gets to lie in. I am also going to be stricter with myself about napping when ds naps. He is a pretty good napper. I learnt to lie down while nursing ds when he was about 2 months old, couldn't survive without it!

I will have a look into cranio-osteopathy and also Elizabeth Pantley's book.

The funny thing is that getting it off my chest with you all and reading such supportive replies and knowing I'm not 'alone' - I feel much better about things.

It is Mothering Sunday today in the UK so to you all: Happy Mother's Day!

Niblett xxx

[Beauchamp]

Just wanted to say that I came here to post something very similar and saw your original post. I also feel like it's kind of my fault that my DD isn't sleeping better-- that there must be *something* I can do. She slept GREAT from 3-6 months and it's been downhill ever since! Now we're at 9 months with no improvement in sight, and it makes me depressed. I'm really hoping once we reach 10 months things will get better.

Hang in there. No advice, but I feel your pain! Especially about other people basically saying you brought it on yourself. Gah! I hate that!

[Adsullata]

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job mama! One big difference between your choices and the 'advice' from those around you is that what you are doing has now been shown in scientific studies to support healthy brain development in infants and children. Being responsive to our babies is critical to their development and leaving them to cry as you've been told you *should* do, damages their neural pathways. (Just thought I'd give you a little ammo in case you needed it when you getting bombarded by 'advice')

Don't know if this will make you feel better or not, lol, but my dd still rarely sleeps through the night and she's 22 mos. Doesn't bother me that much anymore. She does go for a good 4 hour stretch most nights and I'm so used to nursing her at night now, that I hardly notice unless she wakes more than usual.

Hugs to you mama, and hang in there. Remember, parenting is difficult and challenging for a reason- you're raising a human being and it shouldn't be easy. Joyful and enjoyable, yes, easy, no- it will challenge you like nothing in your life has to date.

[meemee]

niblet - my dd is now 7 years old.

as i look back one of the things i discover that made motherhood sometimes miserable for me was expectations. believing people around me and expecting my child to comply. when i was able to get rid of that notion, mothering became much more enjoyable for me.

and therefore i think this expectation that our children sleep thru the night.

this is such a personality thing. some kids do, but most dont. mine certainly didnt till she was 3 years old. however by about 18 months i think she was down to waking once or at the most twice a night.

as a baby sometimes she slept from 2 am straight to 6 am - giving me a straight 4 hours that really helped me.

ABSOLUTELY. rest when baby rests. by rest i dont mean sleep. by rest i mean lay next to your baby (i had a leech baby - if i lay down with her she slept longer, so i lay with her. if she got a long nap she was a much happier child) and do something you enjoy. i loved reading so i would read.

honestly though i have never heard of a baby who slept right thru the night forever. sleep patterns change. a good sleeper turns into a wakeful sleeper and vice versa. my friends had to go back to cosleeping with their 2 year old for a while. it just all works differently.

BTW here's something for you. my dd started sleeping thru the night. but i no longer ever sleep thru the night. i wake up at least once or twice. however though i have never slept right throughout the night ever. i woke up at least once. after dd i wake up at least once or twice.

[Niblett]

Adsullata - Thanks for the ammo! I am armed and ready if it should become necessary. I really appreciate your supportive words

Meemee - Thankyou. Expectations that others have for you and your child are always impossible to meet! And I am sure that it is to do with his personality. And possibly genetics, I have discovered that I did not STTN till I was 4 and my dh was 3. So maybe it was pretty much guaranteed we woul d have a baby that didn't sleep!

Beauchamp - Big hugs

[lifeguard]

OP - I could have written your post about my ds. It does get better. Ds now sleeps through the night about half the time & although bedtime is still not as peaceful & quick as I'd like it to be he is becoming a more independent sleeper.

I don't know how many times I have cried to dh that I feel like such a failure when it comes to sleep for ds & about 2 weeks ago it just seemed to start falling together naturally. I guess they all just grow & mature at their own pace.

[To-Fu]

Just wanted to echo the excellent advice already given, and to say that my son is 26 months old now and has only slept through the night a handful of times. Seriously, I can count all the times on one hand! I think it's pretty normal, honestly (although probably not exactly what you were hoping to hear). Shoot, I'm in my 30s and still don't sleep through the night all the time!