HB Midwife drama...where to go from here?LONG

[sharr610]

j

[earth-mama]

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. I'm really sorry--here are some

After reading your post, my initial thought is that you should not work with your original midwife. It sounds like she is not comfortable with assisting you, and may have changed her mind because she feels like she should--not because she wants to. I think that if she assists you she will bring negative emotions to your birth which will not help you to achieve your HBAC.

I'm not sure about the spiritual journey midwife. As a believer in life providing me with what I need--including lessons, I can see that maybe this midwife is what you need, but I can also see where working with someone that you don't feel connected with could be problematic.

Based on your post it seems like you are running into numerous barriers. If I was you, I would take some time to do some serious soul searching to see why these barriers are in place--is it a warning or something emotional? (I know much harder to do than to say--I would struggle).

Well, I don't know if that helps, but I hope you get your HBAC. My first, and only (so far), birth was a homebirth and it was wonderful.

I know that everything will work out for the best.

Good luck!!!

Partner to (7 years) Mother to Lily (13 months) 2 and 1

[cathicog]

wow. I would ask how much assistance Lisa has...the midwives I know who do that many births have at least 4 assistants, so that if one lady is in labor but not imminent, she can leave her with 2 assistants, and go to the lady who is about ready to birth... Jane sounds too flaky at this point. You don't know if she is going to wig out on you during labor. She might always be carrying her previous experiences and fears in her back pocket, and the thought of losing her livelihood at any moment (with VBACs) must scare her a lot(would probably scare most mws). Even though Lisa sounds kooky, if she has enough people to help cover all the births, I would go with her...you don't have to ascribe to her philosophy, and you are VERY blessed to live in an area of 8 midwives(most parts of the country you would have no other option but UC, which might not be a good idea in your case)...so hope everything works out for you...

[Catherine12]

I would also be concerned that Jane would have too much self-doubt to be a reliable birth attendant - she might be overly likely to recommend hospital transfer, and she will probably bring a negative vibe to the birth. I would go with Lisa.

Possibly you could have a talk with Lisa about how you'd prefer to keep the spiritual side of things more private and personal?

[sharr610]

Thanks, ladies!

I agree with you about Jane. I am seeing her on Thursday, and interested in what she has to say, none the less. I wonder how she feels this can all be so easily left behind...

Lisa, I should stress, its not only the spiritual thing. It bugs me, but I could ignore it. What gets me is that she is super busy with backup that is minimally qualified at best. As a VBAC, I feel strong, but I still want someone there who is relatively qualified in case something starts to go wrong. Also her comment about me needing to be "light," leaves me wondering, what happens if I am suddenly no longer "light?" What if baby turns breech? I get pre-e? And maybe these are things I just need to talk to her about.

DH will be here on Thurs when I meet with Jane and around all week in case we need to go meet with Lisa. SO glad. He always sees something I don't that makes making a decision easy.

[SilverFish]

quite honestly, at this point i'd seriously consider giving up on my homebirth and start looking for the right CNM or dr to birth with in the hospital. it would kill me to do it, but a homebirth with a care provider i didn't like or trust would not be an enjoyable, safe experience any more. i was planning a homebirth myself until i went into labour at 35 weeks. in that moment i was having to decide to stay home or transfer to the hospital, and i realized that a homebirth under those circumstances, even though it was what i had planned for and dreamed about for months, would not be the best thing (it wasn't even a safety issue, really). a hospital birth isn't preferable, of course, for all the reasons we all know about, but given your options, it truly seems like the better option (especially since you do have both CNMs and "VBAC friendly" doctor to choose from).

[sharr610]

Originally Posted by SilverFish

quite honestly, at this point i'd seriously consider giving up on my homebirth and start looking for the right CNM or dr to birth with in the hospital. it would kill me to do it, but a homebirth with a care provider i didn't like or trust would not be an enjoyable, safe experience any more. i was planning a homebirth myself until i went into labour at 35 weeks. in that moment i was having to decide to stay home or transfer to the hospital, and i realized that a homebirth under those circumstances, even though it was what i had planned for and dreamed about for months, would not be the best thing (it wasn't even a safety issue, really). a hospital birth isn't preferable, of course, for all the reasons we all know about, but given your options, it truly seems like the better option (especially since you do have both CNMs and "VBAC friendly" doctor to choose from).

Thanks for this. It is an option we are considering, but I'm just not sure I can accept it quite yet. I feel like I have two crazy ladies in the environment I want or someone reasonable in an environment I'm REALLY not into. Honestly, I got such a nasty infection after the last birth, was treated so poorly at the hospital, and DH and I both have been HB advocates for 4 years now...if the hospital is what it comes to, so be it, but its just such a tough place for us to go...we only want 2 kiddos so this is our last chance at anything resembling the birth we want.

But I'll need to decide here soon. This has just gotten ridiculous. Still waiting to hear from Shelly. Not giving up hope entirely...

[dannic]

Hugs to you, mama. That is a really tough place to be in. GL

[olive&pimiento]

Wow, what a difficult position! I think, for me, the most important aspect of care is the provider and the trust level that I have in them. I would deliver in the hospital before i would go with someone I did not trust or felt was "kooky". I seriously don't think I could deliver with either of these women, the way you describe them. Hopefully someone else will turn up. Good luck.

[joyfulblessings]

Yuck! I honestly don't think I could work with either of them!! So sorry you are going through this.
I would have a hard time working with a MW that I now have trust issues with and would definitely have a hard time with someone I didn't click with. I would be searching for a MW or CNM at a birth center. I know it isn't your ideal but I think I would be willing to give up home for a care provider that made me feel comfortable and could make my birth experience a positive one. Good luck

[laughingfox]

That's a really tough call.
What do you think is more likely, Jane deciding not to come to the birth or Lisa being too busy to come to the birth?

Here's a thought- how about going with Lisa and asking Jane to be her backup? It takes a little bit of the pressure off of Jane, and gives you someone better than an assistant for the birth in case Lisa's busy?
It definitely complicates payment plans, though.

I would guess that Lisa's "light" comment basically means that she won't be able to answer her phone for all of your questions leading up to the birth and in the postpartum period. Maybe Jane would be willing to pick up the slack?

My daughter's HB was attended by some people that didn't like me very much at all. I was yelled at, not listened to, etc. It was still amazing.
I'd take a homebirth with people I don't jive with over a hospital birth any day. Just my $0.02.

[bjorker]

Maybe try to talk to Jane a little bit more to figure out where her 180 came from, and what she's thinking?

I don't know mama, that's rough. I'm sorry.
It really sounds like you are doing everything "right" though, and I hope an easy solution pops up for you. Best wishes.

[sharr610]

Thanks, mamas!

So, Jane came by on Thursday and we had a long talk and she did a prenatal for me. First, she sincerely apologized for coming across as wishy-washy. She said that once she saw my email and realized that these other midwives weren't turning me down because I was risky, just because it wasn't working out schedule wise, she realized that she probably overreacted. She said that she realized, as well, that she needed to be more honest with herself and her clients despite what she may perceive their reaction to be(this comes from early on this pg of her being all weird about me testing for sugars thinking that I would get upset). I made it clear that I have been totally honest with her and I want nothing more but for her to be that way with me.

She gave me some parameters she would like in place if we are to go forward, and although they are more restrictive than Lisa's would be, they are still a whole lot better than a birth center/hospital would give me around here and I'm pretty sure I can live with them.

We talked about the emotional side of it. I asked her point blank how she felt she could control the experiences she had and keep them from coming to my birth. She said that if she could have the parameters in place she asked for, they would give her information to act methodically towards the birth, as opposed to from gut instincts that wouldn't work as well with me. She admitted she wasn't above fear, but would obviously try to be extremely in check with it in my birth.

With all that said, I couldn't agree then and there. She seemed to really want me back(so weird). And was trying to sell me on the whole thing. I said, well, I have to talk to DH, because, while I appreciate everything, DH and I both are bringing a ton of baggage to this birth and taking hers on as well seems a bit daunting. She understands...

I have a few questions about her parameters, so I've put in a call to her for clarity, but I think we will move forward together. The thing is, we ARE friends. We speak the same language. Which I definitely DON'T with Lisa and was really un-nerving me about her. DH is going to be uber conscious of her actions from here on out, so I think he'll help keep her in check.

You guys offered some great suggestions and support. Thanks! I'm just so glad to finally have this whole ordeal just about wrapped up!