First time mother...PP, will I want help?

[Lovumms333238]

My MIL and I are very close. Shes a great woman and definitely knows her place, she is willing to come down whenever I want to help out with crap DH and I aren't going to want to deal with. Cooking, cleaning etc. So I was planning on havin her come stay 3 days PP just to give DH and I some bonding time with the new one. Any thoughts or does anyone else out there have experiences to share on the topic?
Please discuss I need some input!!! Thank you

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

We are due in 3 weeks, and fortunately, my mother and my MIL live within half an hour of our home. I'm anticipating that they will be spending a fair amount of time at our home in the first weeks, but I absolutely do NOT want either of them staying here overnight or every day. We've got plenty of frozen food and diapers, so if we go a couple of days without doing laundry or cooking (beyond the microwave) we will be fine. I love my mom and MIL, but I think in the first week, having them at our home constantly would be more distracting than helpful. Just my 2 cents.

[Spiralshell]

Definitely take help when it's offered -- don't be a superwoman and try to do it all yourself!
I found that I actually needed more help after a few weeks, when the tiredness really started sinking in hard. The first week was actually pretty quiet and OK, it was later when clean clothes started running out, etc. that we needed more help. YMMV!

[RedOakMomma]

I think it sounds like a great idea. My mother came down, then my sister after her, when I was postpartum, and it was such a relief to be pampered and cared for during that time. I really felt like all I had time or energy for were the babies...and with them around, life didn't feel so out of control or chaotic.

The only person I didn't want around was my MIL, who I do not have a good relationship with. It's all about the relationship, though. With my MIL, she expects to be entertained and to have time with the baby (literally...wanted to sit down and be served drinks, etc.). With my Mom, I could ask her to clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry because we were running short on something. BIG difference.

The only thing I would caution you about, and it might be one more thing in favor of having support in those days, is that 3-7 days after birth you can have a big emotional post-partum crash. It's the change in hormones. It's physical (afterpains, heat flashes, cold flashes), but it's also very emotional (life feels soooo overwhelming, you cry easily, etc.). It doesn't happen to everyone, and it's very short-lived, but it's nice to have a good support system around in those days.

[2xy]

I'm one of those people who doesn't like asking for help and is stubbornly independent at times. But was I ever glad I had company when DS1 was born. Of course, I had a loooong, induced labor followed by a cesarean and much blood loss, so I was in bad shape. My mom, dad, and grandma were all there a few days before the induction, and were SUCH a help to me for the first couple of weeks. I could barely take care of myself, let alone the baby, and his deadbeat father was no help at all.

Nobody was able to come when DS2 was born, and although I was not a complete mess like the first time, I had a 3yo to chase after, so extra help would have been nice.

[Lovumms333238]

Thank you all for your input! I think I will definitely ask her to stay now, I'll for sure be giving it a few days though.
RedOakMomma - Unfortunately it is the opposite with my mother and MIL, my mother would be the one to expect to be entertained and my MIL is the one who will clean and cook without being asked!

So just for a little more input, I forgot to mention a very important part. My DH works from home and is the greatest support system ever! He only works on the weekends but he is on call so he spends most of his time in his office. So I definitely think I will need my MIL's help after the first week. We can only afford him taking one weekend off...
Any thoughts or anyone else care to share their PP experience?

[mwherbs]

are you planning to breastfeed? was your MIL able to successfully breastfeed? this may be one area that you might need help and support with in the postpartum- look up LLL and plan on going to a meeting if you can before the birth and figure out if there is a lactation consultant around- have the numbers to hand. if MIL is experienced then bonus but have this type of support lined up too

as for house work and cooking get the help , she does that work and you hold the baby- or take a shower , not the other way around with her holding baby and you getting things done KWIM,

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Lovumms333238

My MIL and I are very close. Shes a great woman and definitely knows her place, she is willing to come down whenever I want to help out with crap DH and I aren't going to want to deal with. Cooking, cleaning etc. So I was planning on havin her come stay 3 days PP just to give DH and I some bonding time with the new one. Any thoughts or does anyone else out there have experiences to share on the topic?
Please discuss I need some input!!! Thank you

YES.

My mom stayed for a week PP. It was very needed. She made sure I ate, did housework, made runs to the store for all the things we forgot. It allowed me to focus on the baby.

It was also really helpful having someone who knew about babies, this was the first child for me and my husband so we were definitely nervous. My mom breastfed three kids and was a great help with my latch there at first, and a great support (which is so important for establishing a good breastfeeding relationship).

My mom came and stayed right away, no waiting period for bonding, but it was okay because she knew that she was there to take care of me and the house, not the baby-- my husband and I were taking care of the baby. So we had that bonding and she was kind of just like a maid, haha.

The only thing I'd caution about-- make sure that she knows (have your husband pass the word along perhaps) that she is NOT there to hold the baby 24/7, she is there to help YOU out by doing all of the things you cannot or should not do around the house (cleaning, vaccuuming, etc). Even if you have a vaginal delivery you still need time to recover, it's hard on your body. Sure I was up walking around the same day I delivered (which is one thing nice about vaginal delivery), but it was at least a week before I was really mostly recovered back to normal. So don't let her try to "I'll hold the baby so you can get some laundry done" (cause I've heard some MILs are like that). No way. YOU hold the baby while she cleans and cooks and helps. She can hold the baby when it's time for you to try to nap.

Also-- I'd be cautious about her trying to bother you if your parenting ideas don't agree with hers (whether it's sleeping arrangements, breastfeeding, pacifiers, whatever). Make sure (again since it's your MIL maybe your husband can make sure she knows) that she isn't going to give you any stress about what you are doing, and that she will be supportive even if she doesn't agree.

[bajamergrrl]

YES! Take the help!

I spent the first three days pp alone with the baby and it was very, very hard. We have no family that lives nearby so my mother didn't come stay with me until 6 weeks pp. Even then I welcomed her help.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

The only thing I'd caution about-- make sure that she knows (have your husband pass the word along perhaps) that she is NOT there to hold the baby 24/7, she is there to help YOU out by doing all of the things you cannot or should not do around the house (cleaning, vaccuuming, etc). Even if you have a vaginal delivery you still need time to recover, it's hard on your body. Sure I was up walking around the same day I delivered (which is one thing nice about vaginal delivery), but it was at least a week before I was really mostly recovered back to normal. So don't let her try to "I'll hold the baby so you can get some laundry done" (cause I've heard some MILs are like that). No way. YOU hold the baby while she cleans and cooks and helps. She can hold the baby when it's time for you to try to nap.

Also-- I'd be cautious about her trying to bother you if your parenting ideas don't agree with hers (whether it's sleeping arrangements, breastfeeding, pacifiers, whatever). Make sure (again since it's your MIL maybe your husband can make sure she knows) that she isn't going to give you any stress about what you are doing, and that she will be supportive even if she doesn't agree.

This! Exactly!

[laughymama]

If she knows her place and it wouldn't strain anything: YES YES YES.

I would have seriously died without my mama the first few weeks. I felt like I was 10 years old again because I needed her so much.

This time around, she'll live next door! I cannot explain how amazing it will be to have that extra help with everything so we can focus on our kids and breastfeeding and healing.

[zoebird]

like a PP, i also found that i needed more help further out from the birth. so, it would have been more helpful to me if family would have continued helping after the third or forth week (they only came down once a week) with things like grocery shopping for us, cleaning up, and so on.

after the first two weeks, they mostly wanted to hold the baby. no matter how much the protest now and say "but we came to help you, and you said you didn't want it"--that is not true. it went more like this:

me: hi mom! nice to see you!

mom: where is my baby!?

me: he's over there sleeping on DH.

mom: oh, then i won't bother him. what are you doing?

me: i just pulled this wash out of the dryer, do you think you could fold it for me while i take a nap?

mom: well, i suppose i could, but i'd really just rather be with my baby.

BTW, everyone called him "my baby." the grandparents took a few months to figure out that he was our baby, and their grandbaby. it was a tough few months of switching dynamics and setting firm boundaries. DH did a good job with his toxic parents, to be honest. so, we did ultimately break them of the 'my baby' thing.

so, if your family is willing, try to give them a heads up of what you need before they arrive for that visit. then they might be more likely to do it, rather than want to hold the baby for you while you do it.

which is what i got a lot of from my ILs. "i'll hold the baby while you scrub the fridge." because my FIL decided that the fridge needed to be scrubbed (we'd scrubbed it 1 week before the birth, but "that was summer and now it is fall so you need to do it again!") and when i recommended that he do it, he said "oh, i'll hold the baby while YOU do it."

yeah, i didn't do it. i held the baby and he groused about how i was a dirty person. LOL

anyway, yeah. try to get them to spread it out past the first couple of weeks.

[bjorker]

Yes, but only because you said that you get along well with her and that she knows her place! I'd definitely caution anyone with an iffy relationship with said person to NOT do it. At this point I consider myself to have a decent relationship with my mom and step-mom, yet would not want either one staying with me after the newbie is born. I love them lots and think they could be helpful, but it's just not how I envision my babymoon. They can certainly come visit during the day, though. My step-mom might travel here during that time since she doesn't live around here anymore, but I'm not okay with her staying with me.

My SIL also just mentioned to DP that she wants to come down after baby is born, and I'm so comfortable with her that I think I'd be okay with that. But I doubt that she intends to be here that soon after.

[billikengirl]

I agree with PP who say it's all about the quality of your relationship. I needed so much help with household tasks that first week, so it was nice to have my parents there since I have a good relationship with them and my mom would gladly scrub toilets if asked.

My MIL would be another story, so she didn't come until he was 6 weeks old and I still kinda feel like that was too early.

[Grace and Granola]

My mother and MIL relationships are exactly like you described yours! My MIL was out of town, so she would have to stay overnight for her to visit us PP. I think she came 2-3 days after the birth which was just perfect. I would not have wanted her there from minute 1. And it would not have been fair for me to ask her to come 3 weeks out. She was probably more excited to become a grandma than I was to become a mom. So I really wanted to give her that gift of being able to meet the baby asap. And a few days worked out just right.

I agree with making sure she doesn't expect to hold the baby 24/7. My MIL just knew what I needed. She cooked and cleaned. She held the baby when I needed a nap, so I wasn't "worrying" about him while I slept. It was really great. I think she stayed for about a week.

[hildare]

oh my goodness, YES. You will have no idea how much help you'll need till you're there.
Breastfeeding didn't happen easily for us, unfortunately, and even when we got out of hospital, it took two if not three pairs of hands to make it happen. (now almost five months later, it's going great, though)
You will not want to leave the baby alone to bathe, cut your nails, do other basic grooming things that you have to do for yourself. Having someone else there can help so much. Even if your house is clean, those dishes will get dirty, etc. and if someone's there to cook fresh meals and stretch your frozen food out more, it's extremely helpful. The best meal i ever had in my life was when we got home and friends cooked fresh kale and mac n cheese for us.
That being said, my own mother wasn't lots of help, but my MIL sure was.

[MaryLang]

I would take the help it if it were offered. My mother lived within walking distance of me and came by maybe once or twice to do a load of laundry AFTER DH went back to work. IMO I could have used more help PP, especially since they were all c/s's and it takes a while to recover when your not able to rest.

[at_the_hip]

It looks like you've already had some great advice. I would only say yes if she isn't expecting to 'help' with the baby moreso than cooking/cleaning/laundry. I do not like being interfered with PP and need baby with me or I get very very stressed. I have gone without help without any trouble, even with my girls, because this is what I prefer to have the peace that I need to recover and bond with baby.

That being said, my mother is the type of person who would help with anything I asked without any expectation of it being babycare. She would make dinner or clean if I asked her to, so if I did need help...I would call her.

[staceychev]

Will she actually be helpful? I dearly love my MIL, but when she comes for a visit, it's a visit. She and GMIL were here yesterday for almost four hours just chit-chatting and socializing, and I was exhausted by the time they left.

My mom, on the other hand, grocery shopped for me after I came home. That was very helpful!