unsolicited advice

[phrogger]

So, I have found myself in a situation where I think I have become one of "those" people. UGGGG.

My sister is due in a month or so and I find myself telling her EVERYTHING I think she should know. I try to preface that she doesn't have to take anything I say seriously and it is HER baby and she has to do with him what she pleases. But I can't stop it.

Anyone else have this problem?

For the most part it SEEMS like she wants my advice, or at least wants to follow some of it. She sees the difference in my boys and most other kids (she helped raise them when they were young) and she sees what wonderful young men they are turning into. So she is all for a lot of the stuff I have done even if she jokes and she and her husband call me the crazy hippy lady.

So really, for all of you with new babies, did it really bug you THAT much? I know it bugged me to no end to hear my MIL say things to me, but she was so negative. I am trying NOT to be negative. For example I tell my sister

You CAN breastfeed, stop saying you will try.
Do NOT have bottles or formula in the house at all. Especially in the first month/ 6 weeks.
You WILL make it through delivery and be ok.
You need to keep your son intact (and she is, this was more reinforcement for her when she and her husband were arguing about it.)
You should delay vaccines. Of course she wont go without, but she is really listening to why she doesn't need so many so early. Her husband seems on board with this and just starting at 2 years, not 2 months.
I tried to talk her into cloth diapers, she will not go for it. This one isn't even a big deal.

I am however really trying to encourage her to co sleep. She is wishy washy on this, but I am just trying to encourage her to try at least in the early weeks while she is learning to breast feed.

Things I wont push though. She has already said she wants an epidural. I had 2 drug free births and 5 c-sections. I have just told her that she can do what ever she needs, but to please to xyz to avoid a c-section if possible. Just things like stay home as long as possible. Eat before she goes to the hospital, I will bring her food while she is in labor and try to help her do other things before the drugs to get things moving. She says she is just scared but I want to keep encouraging her that she can try drug free and always change her mind, she can't get an epidural then change her mind from that.

So anyway, I am sure I am annoying, but what about the rest of you, what advice bugged you and what was actually helpful.

[BlueWolf]

Honestly, I'd say you need to back off a bit. If she's seeking advice from you, that's one thing. But nothing made me (makes me) more enraged as a new mother than someone trying to push their ideals on me.

[BlueLeaf]

It's one thing to have a conversation with her about what worked well for you and what you prefer. But calling her "wishy-washy" on co-sleeping, and pushing her on the epidural isn't helpful and is condescending, just based on how you're presenting it in this post. She's an adult, and these are her decisions to make.

[HadhratKhadija]

I was Ok getting advice from people I agreed with and thought were on the right path. I did not care for advice from people who were negative and gave me the same ol advice (put her in the crib, let her cry, baby might die if you do a homebirth, etc.)

Whenever I try to advise someone, I just mentioned the subject once (i.e. breastfeeding is best, etc) and let it be. IF they are interested for the conversation I will carry on, and if they are not, then I'm done.

People have to go out and research for themselves, frankly; they just need a tip-off to get them started (if they are the type to think for themselves).
Any direct tip-offs rarely work. I usually pass along an informative article, giving them space to read and think about it.

[Icehockey18]

Originally Posted by HadhratKhadija

I was Ok getting advice from people I agreed with and thought were on the right path. I did not care for advice from people who were negative and gave me the same ol advice (put her in the crib, let her cry, baby might die if you do a homebirth, etc.)

Whenever I try to advise someone, I just mentioned the subject once (i.e. breastfeeding is best, etc) and let it be. IF they are interested for the conversation I will carry on, and if they are not, then I'm done.

People have to go out and research for themselves, frankly; they just need a tip-off to get them started (if they are the type to think for themselves).
Any direct tip-offs rarely work. I usually pass along an informative article, giving them space to read and think about it.

As long as your not forcing it on her, she is asking for it, and she seems receptive, it's fine. I found a like minded experienced mama to be very helpful and helped me to have more confidence in my decisions. She actually was the one who turned me on to AP, by giving me a copy of the baby book' by dr sears. She is a very gentle person and just 'made me aware' of things such as delayed vax, cd, etc... I appreciated it, but I agree it's all your approach and delivery.

[bajamergrrl]

I think for me, what would've bothered me is if the person giving me advice acted as if I was completely clueless about anything or didn't support any of my ideas at all. I'm not saying that this is what you're doing though.

When I give advice to other mothers I try not to put down what they're already doing or thinking of doing. So, I might say something like, "Have you ever thought of xyz?" or "What I found really helpful was xyz." If they seem interested then we can talk more about it but I let it go if they're not interested.

What I've found is that some things, like co-sleeping, might happen naturally even if the mom was against it in the beginning. You never know. What's that saying, "I was the perfect parent until I had kids"?

[reignbelle]

I think that "you should" comments are offensive for me. I rather hear "i did this" or "this really helped" maybe "all my research showed" . Also arguing after I have stated my stance the whole your wrong you'll see.Besides that I'm open to any advice. some advice has made me sad because it so differs from my morals (cio, corral punishment, and pop in bottles) or because it is so uninformed (co sleeping will smother baby or infants need water bottles, babes need to cry) least it opens up a discussion. Nursing and typing on iPhone sorry for typos odd wording

[phrogger]

So I called my sister to ask her if it bothered her at all. And she reminded me that if it did, she would have told me to shut up (that is how my sister and I are ) So I guess I didn't upset her, but I really haven't talked to anyone else about their pregnancies and child rearing so I wanted to make sure I wasn't coming off as offensive. She said some things I said made her just laugh at me, but she really wants to do what ever she can to try to have her son end up like my boys. I am not saying mine are perfect, but as their aunt, she thinks they are. I did laugh and told her that her kid might just be very different and when she is complaining about anything I will remind her that I think he is perfect .

I did ask too if I was pushy and she said not at all and that is why she listens to what I say rather then cutting me off. I guess she has been doing that to her MIL often lately.

So I dont' feel too bad, but I just wondered how others felt and if it were different if it were a close family member that gave sound, experienced advice, and basically trying to explain that she is going to do a fantastic job if she just listens to her gut.

[phrogger]

Oh and I wanted to add, I don't actually say "you SHOULD" I was just using those as examples. Infact on the delaying I talked to her about it the other day and said "hey, I know your DH calls me the crazy lady (of course wtih love) but I am sending you a book about delaying vaccines, think he will read it?" and that started a whole conversation with her saying she didn't really know a lot of this stuff but so glad I am telling her because she hates researching.

So it is stuff like that, and ways I say it. The co sleeping, she was worried about not getting enough sleep and I just say "seriously, I sleep SO much better when Shane is in bed with me" and leave it at that. She is scared she will squish him. My sister is tiny and she sleeps with a 4 lbs dog. i just remind her she hasn't killed the dog, don't worry about the baby. So stuff like that.

I reread my first post and it did sound like I was pushy. I am trying not to be though. But I just wonder how many of us hated the ridiculous advice so much that we are scared to talk to other new moms about this stuff?

[BlueWolf]

Originally Posted by phrogger

Oh and I wanted to add, I don't actually say "you SHOULD" I was just using those as examples. Infact on the delaying I talked to her about it the other day and said "hey, I know your DH calls me the crazy lady (of course wtih love) but I am sending you a book about delaying vaccines, think he will read it?" and that started a whole conversation with her saying she didn't really know a lot of this stuff but so glad I am telling her because she hates researching.

So it is stuff like that, and ways I say it. The co sleeping, she was worried about not getting enough sleep and I just say "seriously, I sleep SO much better when Shane is in bed with me" and leave it at that. She is scared she will squish him. My sister is tiny and she sleeps with a 4 lbs dog. i just remind her she hasn't killed the dog, don't worry about the baby. So stuff like that.

I reread my first post and it did sound like I was pushy. I am trying not to be though. But I just wonder how many of us hated the ridiculous advice so much that we are scared to talk to other new moms about this stuff?

For me, I'm afraid to talk to other mamas IRL about the issues I go through with my daughter because she is so high needs and traditional advice does not work for her. I get judgments from people if I bring up things like who horrible she really sleeps, or how she's fussy most of the day. I've learned that I can ONLY talk to mothers who have been there done that with a HN child.

Also, DH's family is very critical... which makes things extra hard. Even asking for help is a big no-no for me now because it comes with all their critical "advice" and statements.

[darcytrue]

I used to do this after I had my first child (over 14 years ago) but I stopped. Unless someone asks me for advice I rarely give too much or get too pushy. I might talk about something I am doing as far as my choices in parenting but I don't push it on anyone. I figure if they know I am doing it and they are interested in knowing more then they will seek me out and ask me more about it.

[phrogger]

Originally Posted by darcytrue

I used to do this after I had my first child (over 14 years ago) but I stopped. Unless someone asks me for advice I rarely give too much or get too pushy. I might talk about something I am doing as far as my choices in parenting but I don't push it on anyone. I figure if they know I am doing it and they are interested in knowing more then they will seek me out and ask me more about it.

That is what I usually do, but I haven't been wtih my sister. I guess I just wonder if that is what we should be doing? I mean people hear so much junk advice that I guess I was just wondering if others thought that maybe we should kindly start telling people how many of us do thing? Maybe give a different perspective then what the mainstream parenting people give.

[PrincessAnika]

if she is open to the cosleeping idea but scared of squishing what about suggesting an arms reach cosleeper type of thing that attaches to the bed - kinda 'hey i found this the other day its like a bassinet but it attaches to teh bed so you can cosleep wihtout worry about rolling over and you don't have to get up and walk across the room to get baby' type of thing. or asking her what would she need to know about various topics such as cosleeping, etc. on the epi - can encourage her to wait as long as she can before getting it, since getting it can slow down labor and makes a c/s more likely...
thats great that ya'lls have a good relationship like that. i think if i were in your shoes i would prly do the same things you are.....and like your sister, mine would def tell me to back off if i got pushy, so i wouldn't worry too much about that, maybe just check occasionally to make sure she's not getting fed up with it though....GL!!

[Kelly1101]

There is a fine line between offering advice and pushing it.

Normally I just say stuff like "well the only way I got any sleep in the beginning was having her in the bed with me" casually. I don't say "YOU should co-sleep." I just say "I co-sleep and we really like it."

Another example: "Once we passed the six-week mark breastfeeding, it's been so easy. It's really a life-saver because I don't have to mess with mixing and washing bottles, spending money on formula, worrying about feeding her while we were out or on day trips. It's really hard at first, but lanolin helps a lot. And now I'm so glad we made it." If there are any questions or comments like "I'm scared I won't make enough milk because my boobs are so small, my mom didn't make enough milk", respond like "Actually the size of boobs has nothing to do with it. Milk is supply and demand, usually the more you nurse the more milk you make. It's really a cool biological system." And so on. You can give information without being pushy.

Another example: "Seriously the best piece of gear I got was my ring sling. It's SOOO helpful to be able to get things done without holding her, and it's a lot easier than manuvering a stroller everywhere." Big difference from: "You really need to use a sling, it's the best way for you to do it, strollers are no good."


It's like the difference between saying "I love this, this worked for me" and "You should do this because this is better for everyone." Even if you think it's better for everyone. I mean, your mother in law who thinks you should let the baby cry to expand its lungs or whatever isn't saying that to be evil, she really thinks it is best. We all think our way is best. Just offer information and let her follow up on it or ask questions if she chooses. If she doesn't seem interested, let it go. It's her baby, after all.


ETA: And, to everyone, in general, really the best way to give advice is non-verbal. Just do it with your own kids. "Be the change you want to see in people." I've warmed more people up to the idea of baby-wearing by toting around my grinning baby in a mei tai, than by talking about it, know what I mean? Nurse in public and don't act like you're doing something wrong. Be confident in your choices.

[jimblejamble]

As long as you aren't being pushy, I think it's fine. I didn't/don't like advice that's pushy. My mom gets pushy about everything and then if I don't take her advice it's a personal attack against her (she's all mad at me because I didn't do Lamaze, don't use her beloved Desitin on my baby, don't put a warm wash cloth over his chest while I give him a bath, and all kinds of other crazy unimportant issues) which makes me not even want to consider what she's telling me to do!

Amen to what Kelly1101 said!

[Mulvah]

What annoyed me the most was BFing advice . "Breastfeeding is so easy. Do 'x', 'x', and 'x', don't do 'x', 'x', and 'x' and you'll be fine." Oh, and scheduling advice irked me. The best was when I was told to give it 2-3 mos. to get better. (It has. BFing was/is not easy in the beginning IMO.) With that said, if your sister doesn't mind, that's great.

Off-topic OP, but what is the delayed vax book if you don't mind sharing?

[phrogger]

Originally Posted by Mulvah

What annoyed me the most was BFing advice . "Breastfeeding is so easy. Do 'x', 'x', and 'x', don't do 'x', 'x', and 'x' and you'll be fine." Oh, and scheduling advice irked me. The best was when I was told to give it 2-3 mos. to get better. (It has. BFing was/is not easy in the beginning IMO.) With that said, if your sister doesn't mind, that's great.

Off-topic OP, but what is the delayed vax book if you don't mind sharing?

The Vaccine Book by Dr. Sears.

[batsister]

Originally Posted by Kelly1101

There is a fine line between offering advice and pushing it.

Normally I just say stuff like "well the only way I got any sleep in the beginning was having her in the bed with me" casually. I don't say "YOU should co-sleep." I just say "I co-sleep and we really like it."

Another example: "Once we passed the six-week mark breastfeeding, it's been so easy. It's really a life-saver because I don't have to mess with mixing and washing bottles, spending money on formula, worrying about feeding her while we were out or on day trips. It's really hard at first, but lanolin helps a lot. And now I'm so glad we made it." If there are any questions or comments like "I'm scared I won't make enough milk because my boobs are so small, my mom didn't make enough milk", respond like "Actually the size of boobs has nothing to do with it. Milk is supply and demand, usually the more you nurse the more milk you make. It's really a cool biological system." And so on. You can give information without being pushy.

Another example: "Seriously the best piece of gear I got was my ring sling. It's SOOO helpful to be able to get things done without holding her, and it's a lot easier than manuvering a stroller everywhere." Big difference from: "You really need to use a sling, it's the best way for you to do it, strollers are no good."


It's like the difference between saying "I love this, this worked for me" and "You should do this because this is better for everyone." Even if you think it's better for everyone. I mean, your mother in law who thinks you should let the baby cry to expand its lungs or whatever isn't saying that to be evil, she really thinks it is best. We all think our way is best. Just offer information and let her follow up on it or ask questions if she chooses. If she doesn't seem interested, let it go. It's her baby, after all.


ETA: And, to everyone, in general, really the best way to give advice is non-verbal. Just do it with your own kids. "Be the change you want to see in people." I've warmed more people up to the idea of baby-wearing by toting around my grinning baby in a mei tai, than by talking about it, know what I mean? Nurse in public and don't act like you're doing something wrong. Be confident in your choices.

I agree with this. If people ask me questions, I will answer them, and I will talk about babywearing, co-sleeping, etc. as it is relevant to my situation and that it works for me (e.g., someone asks, "Does he sleep through the night?" I might answer, "I think he wakes up once to eat, but I hardly even notice since he sleeps with us.") Or I might say something like "The AAP recommends..." rather than "you should(n't) do this." This can be especially helpful is someone is doing/talking about doing something potentially harmful or unsafe, like feeding a newborn on a 4 hour schedule or using a bag sling.

To the OP, though, I think it might be different with a sibling. If you are very close to/comfortable with someone, I think different rules may apply than with a friend or acquaintance. If you asked and she's not bothered, it sounds like you are fine in this situation.

[Summersquash]

When I was pregnant, my cousin was amazing with recommendations and advice for what worked for her and her daughter. For me, having a woman I respected and trusted explain things like nursing and suggest some resources for researching vaccines was super helpful. As a new mom, I wouldn't have had the confidence to do this on my own but sknowing that my cousin wasthere for help and support made a huge difference for me.

[Abraisme]

I happen to be a person that will give unsolicited parenting advice to the people around me. However, I am VERY willing to walk away from most people if they follow a different parenting philosophy. I find many ways of mainstream parenting to be child abuse. I only surround myself with people who try their hardest at being a parent. Thus, I think it's fine to give advice, information, articles, studies, my experience, etc.. If someone asks me to stop giving advice, continues to poorly parent or refuses to research information I will leave the friendship. I am too effected by people who are lazy parents or people who do what's best for them and not their children.

Luckily, all of my close friends and family are attachment parents, so I don't have to give much unsolicited advice (although I'm pretty sure that several of my friends at ap because I did it first). Also, I pretty much shout my opinion from the roof-top, so the people around me know my stance in advance. It's well known in my circle that if you neglect to inform yourself or neglect your child that I will let you know!

ETA: People generally stop giving me un-wanted advice pretty quickly. I don't mind really, I always have an answer for them. Also, I don't give advice to strangers or if I know that it really won't effect anything. I suppose there's a balance to it all.

I do make some assumptions as well.. Like recently there was a woman that started coming to our attachment-parenting mommy's night when she was 7mo pregnant. I assume that if you're pregnant and start coming to an AP group that you're interested in hearing about it.. Anyway, this woman ended up having a scheduled c-section because she was too afraid of natural labor.. Uhm, she heard about it! No one forced her to come into our circle.. If you show up in my life and stick around, you'll probably hear about my parenting philosophy.