Just found out I am pregnant, and having a very hard time (support needed)

[GuestMama2045]

(I am not a totally new poster, but I needed to be able to post this without fear that anyone who Googles my kids' very unique names would find me here and then find this post, so I registered a new name. Hope that's ok.)

I just found out that I am pregnant with our 8th child. Understand, I LOVE kids, and I LOVE having a big family, and I would HAPPILY have a dozen children or more. I have a friend with 12, who I greatly admire, and I would have no problem considering adopting in the future. I love my children, and I already love this new baby with all my heart, and I know that in the end I will be so happy to hold her in my arms, but for right now I am just not happy at all.

When I am pregnant, I am sick for nine straight months. I have horrible morning sickness for the first half, and horrible heartburn for the second half. I spend the last few months of pregnancy waking up over and over all night long, choking on my own bile. I took medication for this during my first pregnancy, which completely wiped out my symptoms, but made me sleep almost 24/7. I can't do that now, and I don't really want to.

I have been diagnosed with three (THREE!) emotional / learning disorders. My symptoms get worse while pregnant, and I basically become a raving lunatic. I make my husband and children miserable. I recently started taking medication that was turning my whole life around, and my neurologist just told me that basically I cannot take it while pregnant, and there are no other options.

One of my disorders makes it incredibly difficult / almost impossible for me to have close friends because I freeze up and just cannot talk to people, so I have no one to talk to except my husband. Worse, when I have tried to confide in people about my issues, they basically act like my problems are the result of having so many kids, and if I would just be reasonable and have a smaller family, send my kids to school, and get a job / life of my own, I'd be fine and dandy. They refuse to understand that this is actually an ideal life for me, getting to spend all of my time with people (my kids) who don't freak me right out. (And it's not entirely selfish -- except for me acting somewhat crazy and cranky when pregnant, I wholeheartedly believe that our lifestyle is ideal for my kids, too.)

My whole family has been pretty much dead-set against me having kids from the beginning. I mean, they expected me to get married and have kids, but when I had my first it was under less than ideal circumstances so they were all mad at me. Since I am raising my step-children as my own, when I had my second child my family already decided that I had "too many" kids. When we started TTC #2 (well, my biological #2), my grandmother told me she was praying that I would not get pregnant. They have acted like I am irresponsible and crazy every single time I have ever told them I was pregnant, and are CONSTANTLY making comments about not having any more. I have started refusing to even tell them I am pregnant; they figure it out when I start showing. This sucks because other than that I have been trying to build a close relationship with my mom, and she's been trying, too. Also, I am close to my grandmother, so it hurts for her to act this way.

I have a pretty sucky history when it comes to giving birth. I have about a hundred stories of being mistreated by doctors and hospitals, but at this point I have no choice about getting an OB for this pregnancy and giving birth in a hospital again. (I'm skipping the details since this is already LONG, but trust me, I have to.) I'm pretty much terrified that my OB will turn out to lie to me, berate me, treat me like crap. Or that, even if my OB is great, I'll get to the hospital and be stuck with some other OB who sucks. I can handle having an emergency in childbirth, even if I had to handle it all on my own. I can handle having to give up what I want in birth, or have surgery, or anything if it's necessary for my baby to be safe. I cannot handle being lied to, berated, or abused by a doctor whose main concern is not my safety or my child's safety as has happened in the past.

My husband does not want to have more children. I know, and he knows, that he will be happy and love this baby. But we had decided 4 years ago, when I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, that we were done having kids. At that time it was mainly that he did not want more kids, and I was ambivalent about it. We agreed that he would have a vasectomy since it has fewer risks, but he really did not want to do it. (He hates doctors and hospitals even more than I do, and was pretty much terrified about it.) So he didn't, and I got pregnant with our youngest son. (And my family, who we had already told that we were done having kids, gave me no end of grief.) So we agreed that if I ended up having to have a c-section with our son, I would get my tubes tied. I was NOT happy about this because I felt it was pretty unfair that after everything I have been through, he can't have one little out patient procedure. In the end I did have an emergency c-section, but the doctors said that we had not given enough advance notice of wanting my tubes tied, so they wouldn't do it.

Now here we are again. We were careful. I have been carefully charting, and we have been almost completely avoiding intercourse even when I am not fertile. (We have fun, just nothing that could get us pregnant.) We had sex ONE time, with a condom, and I am pregnant. ONE TIME. And it wasn't even when I thought I should be fertile. I am absolutely flummoxed. We have now agreed that when I have this baby, I am getting my tubes tied no matter what. I'm going to tell the OB from the beginning that that's what I want.

Of course, it is NOT what I want. My husband is a wonderful man who makes himself crazy taking care of me and my issues. But he is also a man who always plans and promises way more than he can actually do, and so is OFTEN breaking promises. I try to tell him not to promise, and he gets mad. He PROMISED to get a vasectomy four years ago. When it didn't work out for me to get my tubes tied when my son was born, he again PROMISED that he would take care of it. The day I found out that I am pregnant, we had argued because he still hadn't done it, and he'd said that he doesn't want me to have to get my tubes tied, and he promised again that he'd take care of it. I have given birth five times, twice by major surgery, been treated horribly in several hospitals by several doctors. The risks for a tubal are higher than for a vasectomy, and include things that to me, are horrible thoughts. The increased risk of an ectopic pregnancy is terrifying to me. The risk that the tubal will cause mood swings and severe PMS is frightening since one of my big concerns is how moody I get while pregnant. What if I break myself further in trying to fix things?? And I am going to have this "minor" procedure right after giving birth, meaning I will have to be away from my baby, and have to recover from it while caring for a newborn. It may be minor, but it still hurts!

I was reading about tubals this morning and I just started crying. I don't want to do this, but apparently it's the only way. I don't want to get pregnant again. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I love my baby, and this is not her fault, but I just wish I did not have to do this!! I am SO MAD!!

[darkblue0729]

First off mama, I am sorry that you are dealing with so much right now!

As for getting your tubes tied, I obviously can't tell you what to do, but if I were in your position, no matter how wonderful my DH was, I absolutely woud not make such a serious decision about my body and my fertility if I was not completely sure it was what I wanted. In the end, (and please don't think that I am saying your marriage is in danger or anything like that!!) having a surgery to not have anymore children is a HUGE deal IMHO, and it is one I couldn't make if I wasn't sure that I wanted to live the rest of my life (with or without my DH) with my body that way, ykwim? I'm sorry if this advice isn't helpful mama, and I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope everything works out as it is meant to!

[Ashes]

I read everything you wrote. I am so sorry you are miserable. For what it is worth to you, I will pray for you. I am totally with you that pregnancy can be very difficult. It is going to be hard in the next few months, but once your baby is here, you will know it is all worth it.

[RedOakMomma]

I understand the need to vent, and certainly you have a lot on your plate right now. But would you do better, perhaps, by slowly shifting out of a victim mentality? It's not just your husband's fault that you're pregnant, your issues with your family could be approached in ways that set more firm boundaries and protect your feelings, your family, etc, and there are ways to help you have a better birth with an OB or midwife you trust.

I know it seems like everything is overwhelming right now, but really...these are all issues that can be addressed. With work, YOU can be in control, rather than feeling that you're at the mercy of everything and everyone.

1. Don't get a tubal. Tell you dh how you feel, ask him when he wants his vasectomy, and call and make the appointment yourself. This is baby #2 after he agreed to a vasectomy? If he doesn't want more kids, then he needs to get busy with this. And if you don't want any more kids, you need to make sure it happens, too. You're BOTH choosing more kids by continuing this way.

2. Start looking for an OB or midwife you trust. Go to the finding your tribe forum and ask around. Call around. Meet different doctors...find a practice with drs. you like. You don't have to settle for a birth where you feel disrespected and lied to. There are options.

3. Re: your family. Start reading about boundary setting and toxic family/in-laws. Set up the boundaries for you and your family that preserve you and protect you.

4. Consult with a different doctor about your medicine choices during this pregnancy. There may be other options. Even if there aren't, perhaps there are alternative therapies that will work for you. Therapy, eastern medicine, herbals, whatever...you need to investigate.

5. Therapy. If you have conditions that make it difficult to see the world the same way while you're pregnant, perhaps it would do you (and your family, your marriage) well to see someone who can help you keep focused on your goals, your emotions, your needs, and how to get through the next 9 months.

I know in a vent it feels really good to list off how the world is against you, or all circumstances are against you. You're adjusting to a very new reality, and that's tough. But when the dust clears a little, REALLY, there are things you can do to make life more tolerable and happy...in the next 9 months and beyond. Good luck!

[Avocado]

I agree with RedOakMomma. Also, have you ever considered an IUD? I know they're not for everybody, but I loved mine when I had it years ago. I am also very sensitive to side-effects and I had none. I considered a tubal, but for the same reasons as you I am not going to do it. My DH is reluctant to get a V after these babies are born, but I have already gotten the ball rolling on the appts. he needs to get in order to get it done. No way I am taking any chances- it sounds like you're a fertile Myrtle like me Good luck with everything.

[mama kk]

I can't type very much as I am trying to b-feed, but couldn't pass by without sending a hug...

[SouthernBette]

I agree that you must be pro-active in this situation. In a perfect world, your husband would suck it up and get the V, and your family would stop making things even more difficult for you, but those things don't just happen. What can YOU do to make this situation better? 1. Don't leave possible future conceptions up to chance. If you had sex with a condom during a non fertile time--a highly rare conception--then you need to think about alternative forms of contraception. The V would be the optimal thing to do, but I agree with previous posters that an IUD is also a viable option. 2. Therapy and medication for your other pregnancy complications beyond the normal fatigue and sickness is key. You know your body, and you are already gearing up for what you fear will happen again this time. Instead of waiting for these symptoms to occur, take preventative measures. This will help quel the anxiety. 3. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking. At the very least, you are blessed for your ability to conceive children--something many women never experience or struggle to make a reality.

As the caretaker of 7--soon to be 8--you are surely responsible enough to control your reproduction. Change starts with one's self. Good luck. I hope you find your strength.

[GuestMama2045]

So, I just had a long conversation with my husband, which he initiated, all about the things he's been thinking about that we are going to do to make the best of this. He was telling me about the medication he thinks I can take, and how he wants to approach the doctor, etc., and I was actually starting to get a little bit excited.

I also realized that today is my first day off my meds, which means they have been out of my system for over 12 hours at this point. Withdrawal from my medication causes irritability and depression. So hopefully in about three days things will not seem so awful.

About the tubal, I have pretty much decided I am going to do it. It's mainly the actual DOING it that I don't want; once it is done and I haven't suffered any dreadful side effects, I won't be unhappy about it at all. I am not at all certain about an IUD because that's not permanent. I DEFINITELY want permanent. I would happily adopt more children, but I have been certain for a couple of years now that I do not want any more pregnancies. I cannot force my husband to have a vasectomy, and though he wants to want to do it, I know he won't. I would rather have it settled and not be an issue any more. (Also, I just asked my husband whether, if I died and he remarried, he might want more kids. I was surprised that he said he might. I did not realize that his objection was just to me being pregnant, which is exactly how I feel -- if DH died and I remarried, I would NOT want to have more biological children. I'm certain of that. In that light, it does make more sense for me to get fixed than him. It also means that he would still be open to adoption, which is something we discussed and he was very interested in when we had a smaller family.)

Ashes, I would *really* appreciate your prayers, especially prayers for me to be content. I know that when my baby gets here I will be so happy -- I just wish that day was today.

RedOakMomma, I know there are things I can do. I have done / am doing / or am planning to do the things you said. For example, I have found an OB who, according to all logic and reason, should be just what I want. He doesn't even seem to have a issue with the fact that I have had two c-sections -- in fact I happen to know that one of his former patients had a VBA4C. I really can't make my fears go away, but I can make logical choices based on what I know rather than what I feel, so that's what I am doing. I do have boundaries to protect me from my family, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I didn't have to. And I have been in and out of therapy for going on ten years now. I had FINALLY found a combo of therapy/meds that worked, so it's disappointing to have to stop my meds. That doesn't mean that I will stop trying or stop searching, just that I am upset. So sometimes, like you said, I just have to rant about it.

[Maluhia]

What about essure instead of a tubal?

[graciegal]

Vasectomies are minor procedures with the tiniest of cuts, he hurts for a week and then that's it. And they are almost fully reversible.

Sounds like your husband either a) has the wrong idea about about what a vasectomy really is or b) is very selfish.

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by Maluhia

What about essure instead of a tubal?

after the bad things I have heard from ladies who have had tubals (not just the increased risk of ectopic pregnancy if you do somehow end up pregnant, or them reversing themselves... but more than just that...) I would certainly suggest looking into essure... the few ladies I have known to have them in have had no problems at all since and go about their lives the way they did beforehand, only without the worry of another little one joining their family.

[tiffani]

while I do understand that vasectomies can be uncomfortable, they are such a minor procedure -- they have scalpel free vasectomies now, and 8 years ago when my dh had one, they were developing a plug to insert so that it would be totally, easily reversible, so maybe that's available now?

seriously, going to the dentist is far worse than a vasectomy. if a man is careful, he'll be a little sore for a day or two, then after a week it's like he never had anything done. no risk of side-effects. no risk of babies.

he should at least go in for a consultation, after all you've been through. take any nursing children you have and go away for a weekend and see how he feels about vasectomies after that.

[GuestMama2045]

Thanks for the info about Essure. I will look into that.

As for my husband, he's just terrified of anything hospital / doctor related. This is a man who is literally covered in tattoos, LET one of his friends cut his chest open (before I met him, they were becoming "blood brothers"), but freaked when they tried to give him a shot of anesthetic when treating the cut. He did not want stitches. A couple of years ago, he stepped on a metal bar that went through his foot -- it was the tetanus shot he freaked out about. He's terrified he's going to be one of the few who turns out to be allergic to his own sperm.

[3 little birds]

I had to send hugs because I can sympathize with your situation. This is #6 for us (while charting and using condoms), I have HG for the majority of the pregnancy and we have no supportive family-in fact, I don't tell them until they figure out I am pregnant themselves because I don't need to hear their smug comments.

Regarding the vasectomy/tubal: In our case, my dh is more than willing (supposedly ) to get the v done. I don't think it is a good idea for various reasons. First, some men do have immediate issues, pain, etc that don't go away. There is the chance of increased prostate cancer-possibly, and I don't believe that it is healthy to keep all that DNA backed up in the body for the immune system to get nutty over. Also, I would not feel totally secure that we would not get pregnant again-I swear he has super sperm. It is ridiculous, and those little buggers would find a way! Also, as my friend who had a tubal says-Her husbands equipment is the only equipment she has got for the rest of her married life and she doesn't want anything to be wrong with it.

I do not want any more bio children, dh claims he doesn't either but if something happened to me I hope he would find a nice wife who loves kids and if that is the case, she would likely want some of her own.

Sooo, I am looking into a tubal or essure. I did hear that essure contains nickel-that would have to be verified-so one would have to make sure they are not allergic to nickel. I also read that clipping the tubes is less likely to result in ectopic (done with titanium clips) than the cut and burn it also and maintains blood flow. Again, this would have to be verified, but I thought it might be useful info for you.

Anyway, just another perspective. The whole reason I have put off a tubal for so long is because of the health risk, but I really cannot be pregnant anymore and I think it will be the best choice for us.