I need help mamas! (I hurt my child)

[Asparagus78]

Bring on the flames - I deserve them! My 3.5 y/o DS1 is a wonderful little boy, but still very prone to tantrums, which I think is normal at that age. I try to follow a gentle discipline approach, and it works very well usually, except lately he's been aggressive and I've snapped a few times. We do "time-ins" for minor things (we both go to his room and take some time to talk about the incident), and for really major things (hitting or running away onto the street, say) I usually have him sit by himself for minute or two and then we talk. Works well usually, except this week. Here's what happened: we were at the playground when the baby had a massive poop explosion in the carrier (and me!) and he was crying, so we needed to come home. DS1 refused. I started walking, knowing he's follow. He did, but screaming at the top of his lungs that he wanted to stay. By the time we made it home, he was hysterical and started kicking and hitting me, then went after DH and finally, the baby. I picked him up and brought him to his room and closed the door behind us. He picked up a heavy book and hit me, and that's where things got ugly. Normally I would have walked away and allowed him to calm down, but we started wrestling (for lack of a better word), me trying to restrain him in his fury and him still trying to hurt me. At one point, I stormed out of the room and tried to close the door with him pulling on it. I let go, and he went flying, hit his head, and got a huge bump as well as a bleeding nose from hitting the floor. I started screaming for DH, who then started flipping out at the blood, and poor DS1 is still howling on the floor. DH did a great job at calming him down (and himself), but I cannot get over it. I cried the entire evening and all through the night, holding on to him (we all co-sleep). I feel like an abuser and a bad mother because while we were fighting, I WANTED to hurt him like he had just hurt me. I did not intend to, never would, but ultimately, I did. This is also the second incident this week; on Monday he threw a glass on the floor and I yelled at him and got so mad, I came very close to throwing something at him. It turned into a two-hour screaming, threatening match. Ugly... I need to learn how to not get so worked up and defuse the situation as opposed to making it worse. I'm tired (sleepless baby) but otherwise very happy at the moment. So why am I getting so angry? Thanks for reading, mamas.

[swd12422]

Why are you getting so angry?

Ummm... Your 3 year old is acting his age, you have a new baby, and you're really short on sleep! Give yourself a break. What happened sounds awful, and also somewhat understandable when you're under a lot of stress. An incident like him refusing to leave the park willingly would normally be no big deal, but when you are tired, have a screaming baby and poop all over the place, it becomes very stressful very quickly.

My son is only 2, and he's an only child, but lately I have found myself reacting to his antics more strongly than necessary for some reason. I'll get angry at something and then realize I've never let it get to me like that before. I know some of it is lack of sleep and some is just added stress in the moment.

Try to get yourself a break, and go easy on yourself and your son. Having a new baby around is stressful for him, too. Just keep reminding both of yourselves of that.

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by Asparagus78

I feel like an abuser and a bad mother because while we were fighting, I WANTED to hurt him like he had just hurt me. I did not intend to, never would, but ultimately, I did.

This means that you are not the fantasy romantic ideal of a mother, but actually a real living breathing human.

Real living breathing humans need more sleep than mothers get, so please ask dh to help you work on that.

Real living breathing mothers and challenging kids need one on one time with each other - maybe dh can take your littlest sometimes too?

And finally, you have an opportunity here - inspired by your feeling about these events - to figure out where in the process things could go differently next time. Would a silly bell work? Anyone in the family could ring it when they or situations feel out of control, and then that person would get a hug or alone time or a glass of water or a silly hat or.... I'm sure you'll work something out.

I'm ok You're ok - we're just humans, and they are just kids. No angels here.

[Asparagus78]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

Would a silly bell work? Anyone in the family could ring it when they or situations feel out of control, and then that person would get a hug or alone time or a glass of water or a silly hat or.... I'm sure you'll work something out.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that idea. We already do tons of playful parenting (things like literally putting my foot in my mouth when I say bad words out of anger) and they work so well at avoiding escalation. I think a bell (DH mentioned a bike horn - we have one in the basement - when I told him about your idea) would work very well.

You are right - we beat ourselves up but we are only human. I feel better now, but I NEVER want this to happen again.

Thanks mamas!

[ps4624]

I've been thinking about your post all day and while I don't have any advice, I wanted to express to you that I really think you are judging yourself too harshly. It can be overwhelming dealing with screaming and tantrums, and we don't always react as perfectly as we'd like. What happened was an accident and I'm sure your son has already moved on. Cut yourself a little slack - parenting is the hardest job out there (as we all now know!).

Here's a hug for you

[amandaleigh37]

I don't have advice but I can't read this & not comment...
Sounds a lot like me lately. In fact I had a very similar incident with my 3yo (and I also have an infant too). I tend to "lose it" when he hurts me, often not intentionally but that's when I find myself reacting. He jumped on me when I wasn't looking and I reacted by pushing him away, and he lost his balance and fell, then yelled at me "YOU PUSHED ME OVER!!" which I did not INTEND to do - but I did. So I know exactly how you feel... crying & holding him close all night & just feeling terrible. So big hugs to both of you.
Of course my son forgave me and accepted my apology and was over it by the next day, they are resilient... We can only move forward, and do better next time...

[Punchy Kaby]

OP, you sound stressed out. Honestly, I could have written your post. As DS (4) gets older, I don't know what to do if he gets aggressive. If I have the baby, I cannot carry him to his room to do a time in and he hits me more if I try to hold him while he is flailing. DS really pushes my buttons when he hurts the baby. The more sleep deprived I am the worse I react.

[RiverTam]

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

[lilith1]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

I agree with a parenting support group, actually a great idea. The call to CPS I believe would be waste of tax dollars in that case.
I'm sure every parent out there, Gentle Discipline or not, had a situation like that before. As long as all parties learn from it, work it out to a better outcome next time (should there be one) it's all good

Mama, I have a 10 week old and a 17 month old, I know...

[mama2toomany]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

That seemed harsh.. this mama knows she didn't act like she normally would have, and has come here for ideas or tips and just some support.

She is clearly not an abuser, she didn't intentionally cause injury to her child, she didn't know that he would get hurt like he did. She feels horrible enough.

CPS is totally not needed in this situation. thoughts, support and healing for herself more then anything is what is called for.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

That seemed harsh.. this mama knows she didn't act like she normally would have, and has come here for ideas or tips and just some support.

She is clearly not an abuser, she didn't intentionally cause injury to her child, she didn't know that he would get hurt like he did. She feels horrible enough.

CPS is totally not needed in this situation. thoughts, support and healing for herself more then anything is what is called for.

I agree. Even though you "wanted" to hurt him it sounds like his actually getting hurt was an accident. You didn't know that he would fly backwards when you let go of the door...Personally, I would have just assumed that he'd fall on his butt (it would hurt a bit) but, in all honesty, I view that as a consequence from pulling on the door. (the same injury could have resulted from his hand slipping off)

Take a second. Breathe. Remember you're human. And plan for next time you feel that way.

[Asparagus78]

Originally Posted by lilith1

I'm sure every parent out there, Gentle Discipline or not, had a situation like that before. As long as all parties learn from it, work it out to a better outcome next time (should there be one) it's all good

Oh, yes, lesson learned.

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

this mama knows she didn't act like she normally would have, and has come here for ideas or tips and just some support.

Thanks. All I can say is that in 3.5 years of parenting, I have NEVER hurt my children, or wanted to. EVER. Sure, there were moments when I wanted to scream and yell (and have), but to want to inflict pain?

Originally Posted by AFWife

I agree. Even though you "wanted" to hurt him it sounds like his actually getting hurt was an accident. You didn't know that he would fly backwards when you let go of the door...
Take a second. Breathe. Remember you're human. And plan for next time you feel that way.

I feel so bad because he DID get hurt and I feel responsible because I put him in a situation that proved unsafe. But my actions were not aimed at hurting him. I hate what happened because when I left the room, I felt pushed to the brink, but I did not hit him and I'm sure I never would. I just never want to get in another situation where the safety of my child is compromised.

I FEEL horrible. But I know I am not a horrible parent, I just feel like one. If that makes sense...

Also, I'm not part of any support group, but I do get together with women from the local LLL group every week, and we talk about everything. I did bring up the incident, and they were wonderful at giving me tools (just like you wise mamas!) to better cope next time.

And I think I'll leave CPS out of this one...

Thanks mamas.

[madskye]

When DD turned 3 she started having very physical tantrums, and I am not that big--so the safety hold I used to use when she was a flailing toddler stopped working.

For me, what worked was completely stepping out of tantrums once she started them. I truly felt my involvement made things worse. Many people here recommend talking to your child and trying to help them interpret their feelings, doing more of a time-in--in my instance, it just made me a target for hitting, kicking, etc. So I started just walking away and ignoring her in our home when this happened. I even had a few bad times where I shut myself in the bathroom for 90 seconds to get out of it.

I found once I stopped trying to take control of the tantrum, she calmed down pretty quickly, and the most destructive she ever got was throwing her toys around the room.

I talked to her about the tantrum after she was done, and I'd hold her, because those big emotions are exhausting. I am happy to see that she will be 5 next month and we haven't had one of those "screaming tantrums" in at least 4 or 5 months.

As a side note, I also really scrutinized her sugar intake. Juice boxes, yogurts--all of those things have tons of sugar and it can get out of control. The amount of sugar in one organic chocolate or vanilla milk box is about the recommended allowance for a full day. I'm not sure if it was coincidence or cause and effect, but cutting way down on sugar and upping protein here seemed to really make a difference in her ability to keep it together.

As for you--you definitely sound like you need more sleep. Is your husband helpful? Can you explain you are happy, but tired and short-tempered and need to sleep in this Saturday AND Sunday? Can you institute a family naptime every afternoon?

Another thing I do is try to keep replaying this little "mantra" "Be the mom you want to be!" in my head during the day. Sometimes it just gives me that split second to think about another way to handle a situation other than my instinctive way (yelling or getting mad).

[lonegirl]

I was in a similar situation the other day....I was very sick with bronchitis and DS asked me to help with a puzzle...ok! I got down on the floor and helped him do his puzzle. We finished and I told him I was going to go sit on my chair and that if he was wanting to do it again he would have to do it himself. Well he got explosively angry at me, hitting and trying to bite me. I told him he had to go sit on the floor and if he wanted to do the puzzle it was up to him but I was not helping this time. Well he picked up the puzzle box and with all his might threw it at my face....I became furious! (I still have the mark on the bridge of my nose where it hit me). I grabbed hold of him a very forcefully sat him on the couch and told him he had to sit there and that I was going upstairs....he chased me up the stairs and tried getting into the room with me...All I wanted to do was hit him back so I had to escape. He became so upset at my outburst, I felt badly but in the heat of the moment I just had to leave the room. When we both calmed down we had a cuddle and he kissed my nose in appology.

So after all that....what I want to tell you is....you are human...we get angry it is an acceptable feeling. You didn't hurt him on purpose....unfortunately he learned the consequence of tug-of-war on a door.

[Jugs]

((HUGS)) When ds was this age, there were days when I'd thought we'd never make it to 4; I used to throw my hands up and ask "Lord, will this be the night I end up on the 6 o'clock news??" Granted, ds is autistic, so there is no reasoning with him or talking through the problem, but I cannot allow him to physically harm me or dd. We all have our limits, and when things started to escalate, I found that (for all of our sake) I would lock myself and my then infant in the bedroom until the worst of it passed, and then go out and just sit and rock and hold ds while he calmed down.

It does get easier. Four was less volatile than three, and five is relatively pleasant... so far.

[Mirrormonkey]

I have a newborn and a almost 4 yr old... I lose my s!%t almost daily lately! So do many other moms I know. Totally normal and real besides, I think it is good for kids to grow up around real emotions. Next time try to take a deep breath and then respond, I will also try to take my own advice!!

[jeliphish]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

Seriously... I'm a cps prevention worker and this DOES NOT warrant action by cps. This mama is sleep deprived and dealing with a 3.5 year old in the midst of some intense tantrums. She did not intentionally cause him harm. I have a 3.5 year old who has begun throwing things, slamming doors and pushing doors shut when I am trying to keep them open... This is something that has or can happen to all of us- 3 and 4 year old tantrums get intense for all of us and especially sleep deprived moms, even me who, like I said, IS a cps worker.

OP- most of us have been there and done that. After you get some rest make sure to remember not to engage... You are the mom and things are not debatable at times. He needs a safe place to throw his fits and when he calms down you can talk to him then. Obviously engaging him during a tantrum is not working right now.

[silybum]

((Asparagus78))

[Enudely]

first off, hugs to you. I have an almost four year old who's tantrums can be super intense, and i have grabbed her roughly more times than I would ever like to admit. It's really hard to remain calm when someone is throwing punches at you!
second: honestly, the "door" incident didn't seem as bad as the "it turned into two hours of yelling" incident. two hours seems like a long time to not be able to rein it in. That was the only sort of red flag I saw in your post.
We all have to constanly forgive ourselves and just do the best we can!

[zannster]

I was just coming here to write something like this - but I'm checking out old posts first. Contrary to what some of the moms here have said, it may or may not get easier when they get older. My violent little person is five years old. We never had any trouble with hitting (or biting, kicking, etc) until a few months ago.

I don't know what to do about this. Of course I've tried to talk to him, using various directions (It's not nice to hit, that hurts, people are not for hitting, etc). It has no effect. He thinks it's justified, considering that he will come back with "I hit you because you ____" and no amount of telling him that it doesn't matter, or that there are other ways of dealing with it, has any effect either.

I'm pretty sensitive to pain (and now 9 mos pregnant, I'm not exactly patient)...and sometimes when he hits or pinches me, it actually hurts, and I see red. I really want to retaliate. I don't really want to spank him, and I know spanking in anger is a no-no anyway. But there have been occasions when I've done so. I've tried time-outs (and time-ins, if I understand the definition correctly). I've sent him to his room sometimes, just to separate the two of us and chill out. I don't really like that either (DH thinks he will never like his room because of me doing this - not so sure about that). Occasionally I've held a grudge because I'm so angry and frustrated, but then I feel really bad about it. He gets over all of this so much more quickly than I do and needs reassurance that everything is fine.

*sigh*