I need help mamas! (I hurt my child) - Page 2

[Dr.Worm]

You're a good mommy and you love your lo very much...if you were a bad mom you wouldn't be here.

[khaoskat]

Originally Posted by swd12422

Ummm... Your 3 year old is acting his age,

Some of his behavior is normal for a 3 year old - getting upset about leaving the park and having the screaming melt down.

After that, with the intentionally hurting his parents - physically hitting and throwing things at them, and then also the new baby......this is not normal behavior.

Something is bothering him, and most likely it is the new baby, you need to sit down and start working on the situation now, with figuring out what is bothering, otherwise his tantrums and attempts to hurt you, your husband, or his siblings is going to get worse.

As for feeling like you hurt him, well he did get hurt and you were involved, but it was not entirely your fault and it was not done for the purpose of hurting him, it was an accident. You tried to contain his totally out of control and dangerous behavior to you, your husband, the baby, and to him. He was not able to resist continuing the fighting, and pulled against you. The door swung open, and he got hurt....it is not like you flung the door open to intentionally hurt him. Calm down...it is ok. These things happen. My DH accidentally dislocated our daughter's elbow a few months ago...he was trying to grab her and keep her from doing something and she kept running and he caught her arm and it popped.

[khaoskat]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

I think the parenting support group is a good idea, but I am going to disagree with the rest of it for the most part.


SHE DID NOT intentionally hurt the child. The child was out of control, beyond typical 3 yo behavior. Yes, typical 3 yo behavior would have been to scream and stomp and get upset about leaving. In generally though it seemed like this carried on for a very long time, as I am not sure how far it is from the park to their home....but the child was not able to calm himself down, instead he continued to work himself into an all out OUTRAGE. That is not normal or typical. IT IS NOT normal or typical at 3 years of age to try to intentionally hurt your mother, your father, and your baby sibling.

My son, in 2007 ended up with a 3 day stint in a inpatient mental health place, because of behavior exactly as this child described, although he was just turned 5 at the time. Oh, and ours was not over leaving the park, but the fact that we would not purchase him a hot dog and he wanted one. It was a 20 minute card ride with screaming, hysterics, getting kicked in the back of the seat, throwing anything he could reach, while we headed home. At home, he was throwing anything he could grab, he was throwing the hard covered edition of Harry Potter books at his 8 month old baby sister and hitting her with them, from about 20 feet away and from the stairs.

My DH is a big guy (6'2" 315 lbs), I am not a small person either, and neither of us could get him under control. He was in our bedroom before we got a chance and was boucing off the bed, floor, walls. He ran into his room, tore apart his bed, started throwing books at me.

We got him in the car, dropped his sister and brother off at a friends, and he was still in a temper. Our friend is a former EMT, and she threatened to call the sheriff and have him transported by ambulance, because he would stop kicking and hitting at me.

The whole time we were in the interview process at the hospital, he was running around and hitting me, hitting his dad. Nothing any of us did could calm him down.

So, I have had plenty of experience and I can say what he did is not normal.

Our issues were finally solved, once we fought our Ped for a sleep study and got a diagnosis of Sleep apnea - low and behold, if you research it - sleep apena can manifest in children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder; ADHD symptoms; and a whole host of other things. We have done 1 1/2 years of counseling, and are waiting for a date for surgery that will hopefully correct his sleep apnea. But we have learned that even at almost 7, he needs a good 11-12 hours of sleep a night, and sometimes more depending upon how active he has been and how tired he is.

Don't ignore the behavior and believe acting out like that is normal for a child...it is not. There is either a physical problem causing it, or there are some issues he is having (probably the new baby) that he is having a hard time dealing with and he doesn't know how to express himself and his feelings. Hence the reason he is acting out - he is getting your attention.

[larzanna]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

You should see a therapist or a parenting support group.

Your conduct left your child with a bump and a bloody nose. That's enough to warrant a call to child protective services.

You sound like you don't want to do this. You should see someone, ASAP.

You'll feel better and do better if you get some help.

Ummm wow, just wow. Based on this i hope you are perfect!

[SallyN]

**hug**

you're not a bad momma.

I only skimmed most of the comments, and you've gotten some great additions to your toolbox. But I didn't catch if anyone suggested you screen for PPD. It might help you understand your anger. For me, at least, anger is how my PPD manifests... greater than normal or warranted anger.

*hugs again*

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by SallyN

**hug**

you're not a bad momma.

I only skimmed most of the comments, and you've gotten some great additions to your toolbox. But I didn't catch if anyone suggested you screen for PPD. It might help you understand your anger. For me, at least, anger is how my PPD manifests... greater than normal or warranted anger.

*hugs again*

Right. Intense irritation with a short fuse. That's how PPD manifest in me.

[OGirlieMama]

Originally Posted by khaoskat

I think the parenting support group is a good idea, but I am going to disagree with the rest of it for the most part.


SHE DID NOT intentionally hurt the child. The child was out of control, beyond typical 3 yo behavior. Yes, typical 3 yo behavior would have been to scream and stomp and get upset about leaving. In generally though it seemed like this carried on for a very long time, as I am not sure how far it is from the park to their home....but the child was not able to calm himself down, instead he continued to work himself into an all out OUTRAGE. That is not normal or typical. IT IS NOT normal or typical at 3 years of age to try to intentionally hurt your mother, your father, and your baby sibling.

My son, in 2007 ended up with a 3 day stint in a inpatient mental health place, because of behavior exactly as this child described, although he was just turned 5 at the time. Oh, and ours was not over leaving the park, but the fact that we would not purchase him a hot dog and he wanted one. It was a 20 minute card ride with screaming, hysterics, getting kicked in the back of the seat, throwing anything he could reach, while we headed home. At home, he was throwing anything he could grab, he was throwing the hard covered edition of Harry Potter books at his 8 month old baby sister and hitting her with them, from about 20 feet away and from the stairs.

My DH is a big guy (6'2" 315 lbs), I am not a small person either, and neither of us could get him under control. He was in our bedroom before we got a chance and was boucing off the bed, floor, walls. He ran into his room, tore apart his bed, started throwing books at me.

We got him in the car, dropped his sister and brother off at a friends, and he was still in a temper. Our friend is a former EMT, and she threatened to call the sheriff and have him transported by ambulance, because he would stop kicking and hitting at me.

The whole time we were in the interview process at the hospital, he was running around and hitting me, hitting his dad. Nothing any of us did could calm him down.

So, I have had plenty of experience and I can say what he did is not normal.

Our issues were finally solved, once we fought our Ped for a sleep study and got a diagnosis of Sleep apnea - low and behold, if you research it - sleep apena can manifest in children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder; ADHD symptoms; and a whole host of other things. We have done 1 1/2 years of counseling, and are waiting for a date for surgery that will hopefully correct his sleep apnea. But we have learned that even at almost 7, he needs a good 11-12 hours of sleep a night, and sometimes more depending upon how active he has been and how tired he is.

Don't ignore the behavior and believe acting out like that is normal for a child...it is not. There is either a physical problem causing it, or there are some issues he is having (probably the new baby) that he is having a hard time dealing with and he doesn't know how to express himself and his feelings. Hence the reason he is acting out - he is getting your attention.

Thank you for this reply! I have experienced similar episodes with each of my 4-year-old twins (girls) though they have never lasted as long as what you described. But I've had death threats (I'm going to kill you, for real Mommy!") and been bitten, hit, and kicked by my daughters who are normally incredibly sweet and loving and very snuggly. They sleep horribly and are actually going to be evaluated for suspected sleep apnea next Friday (we're doing a sleep study). I know missing sleep can make a kid cranky, but I might not really have thought about the full depth of the reaction without reading your post.

OP, I hope you are feeling better now. Clearly the accident was unfortunate but unintentional, and I hope it is behind you all.

[Asparagus78]

I keep coming back to this thread and I'm soooo grateful for all your input. I really do think sleep has something to do with DS's behavior, although most nights he sleeps 12-13 hrs without waking (we co-sleep). And the baby rarely wakes him up (we co-sleep with him too! ). But there have been some late nights recently because people have been coming to see the baby, so perhaps this is affecting him.

I am also investigating his diet. We eat very little processed foods, and his diet is almost 100% organic, and mostly vegetarian (I'm veggie; DH is not), but I suspect that he is eating artificial food coloring in some of the foods he gets so I'll look at eliminating that.

But all in all, his behavior isn't that bad, the real problem is with me dealing with the outbursts (which I think all 3 y/o have from time to time, no?). I can count on one hand the times that he got violent in the last 3 years, so this is not standard behavior.

As for PPD, I did have it with DS1, but it manifested as anxiety and insomnia. I was also alone (DH was living in another country for work - planned before we got pregnant) and without family or friends (I was also living away from home). I saw a therapist but did not take drugs as the anxiety went away. I did do the checklist for PPD and scored very low, so I don't think PPD is to blame. I think I'm just tired and fed up of being stuck in the house (although we do get out every day, our winters are harsh here...).

I really helps to know that I'm not alone struggling with this, and I am aware of the seriousness of my behavior. There have been tantrums in the past two weeks since I've posted, but only whining and tears, and I've handled them very calmly. The time-ins continue to work; and although I hope he doesn't get worked up that badly again, I will walk away before I get myself to the breaking point.

Thanks mamas!

[rachelsmama]

FWIW I think that feeling anger when you're being hit and screamed at is probably pretty normal. If an adult was hitting and screaming at you it would be considered appropriate, your body just doesn't really differentiate very well. You know he's only three, and you adjust your response accordingly, but don't feel bad for how you felt after being screamed at for your entire walk home, attacked repeatedly and hit with a large book.

[wookie]

this thread's given me a lot to think about (and reassurance!)

most of the time i think our body just reacts to being hit/punched/spit upon etc. i know i've reflexively swatted ds1's bottom when he's head butted me w/o warning or pinched the baby just as he was drifiting off after a long (napless) day. i'm totally apologetic later on but of course that doesn't make it okay. i'm right there with ya, OP.

[Ahimsa]

Parenting is the most challenging job in the world.

[PreggieUBA2C]

Asparagus, I read through and other than a lot of great discussion here, something caught my attentiuon because it is something that affects everyone in my family. You wrote that you are vegetarian, and I wondered if you are being very careful about having enough protein- both you and your son. Do you eat eggs and dairy?

We eat traditional foods, so (for us) lots and lots of meat and fat, and what led me to learning more about diet is that I noticed that if my dc don't have high density protein and fats at breakfast from butter and eggs at least, the whole day is full of conflict and emotional meltdowns. It's the same for me.

They need protein at least three times each day in some form, and so do I, and breakfast is the absolute most important protein meal. Also there can be no sugar intake before breakfast at all, in any form, including fruit. The first thing in their stomachs has to be fat and protein with a complex carb like a slice of bread or two.

Perhaps the timing of various foods that you eat is having a negative effect on you both. Without enough properly timed protein and fat, my mood and emotional control really flags quickly, and it's the same for dp and our dc.