Pregnant with twins--Help me think clearly - Page 2

[mojobot2000]

Well, we've decided to be brave and go for it...it wasn't easy getting here, but it's a huge relief knowing we've made the right decision. I have no doubt we have some challenges ahead of us--the other night I found myself awake at 4 AM going over and over in my head HOW I will possibly handle all those stairs! We are lining up some support--my parents, who are retired, are going to come out for as long as possible around the birth--and I'm still working on talking DH into meeting with someone at our church for some guidance. ("We're asking for guidance, honey, not HELP.") There's a HUGE parents of multiples club in Brooklyn, and you better believe I'll be all over that. As for finances, we're doing what we did when I was pregnant with my daughter--cutting out all non-essentials and squirreling away every penny we can before the birth, then crossing our fingers and wishing on stars.

Next comes some birthing choices--my daughter was born at home, but I'm not sure whether our midwife will do twins. I'm hoping I can line up dual care--see the midwife and do a homebirth if everything is optimal, and also find an OB who is natural-birth friendly in case I have to deliver in a hospital. (It's next to impossible for homebirth midwives to get hospital privileges in the city.) Thankfully, we do have health insurance through my husband's job.

I'll be getting another sono next week--twin B is smaller than twin A so the OB who did the first scan was concerned about vanishing twin...I really won't know how to feel if, after all this, I end up with only one healthy baby. A complex cocktail of grief and relief, I suppose.

Thanks for all your support and hopefully I'll be checking in as things progress. If you're the praying type, please pray for an uncomplicated pregnancy and labor; nice, big, healthy babies born at term; and 2 easy-going, mellow temperaments. (What are the chances of THAT?)

[verycozy]

Congratulations

My twins were born at 36 weeks and have been perfectly healthy from the beginning. No nursing issues, no jaundice, nothing. They're awesomely mellow. My first kid was a bit of a challenging baby so of course the twins seem easy by comparison. I hope you have the same experience.

[DoomaYula]

IMO, twins are not do-able without a lot of help. If your dh has some issues with asking for help, you are going to have to respectfully tell him that while you appreciate his pov, you need help.

Erika, former single mom of twins who had help from every religion and every organization while pregnant with twins/mom'ing newborn twins.

[eatingfor3]

Originally Posted by mojobot2000

If you're the praying type, please pray for an uncomplicated pregnancy and labor; nice, big, healthy babies born at term; and 2 easy-going, mellow temperaments. (What are the chances of THAT?)

I've been following your posts but haven't had a chance to respond until now. You've gotten some great words of wisdom but I just wanted to add a little too.

My 2nd child was the worst. baby. ever. EVER. Seriously, ever. She screamed NON STOP for 8 straight months, never slept more than 6 hours total in a day and never for more than 90 minutes at a time, threw up constantly, nursed horribly, had to be held every waking and sleeping second, would scream bloody murder if you put her down, or in the car, or in the stroller, or gave her to someone else. And even worse than that, my husband was gone for the better part of her first 2 years and I got to deal with her and my oldest alone. I wanted to drive my car into a phone pole, I'm not kidding.

When I had finally gotten over the trauma of her first year and figured her out and what was making her so miserable, I started to feel better about life and I finally felt like I was getting it together. On her first birthday I wrote her a letter and in it I said, "I have no idea how we survived your first year. I really, really don't. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that scares the crap out of me. I don't know what is in our future that we need to be stronger for. Those months were the hardest of my entire life and I can't even imagine any more months that could be harder. I don't even want to try to imagine what could be worse than those months."

I never would have thought that going through the hell of her first year was really preparing me to be a mother of twins. It never entered my mind, but the second I found out I was having twins (about 10 months after I wrote that) it all clicked. And let me tell you, my twins are a cake walk compared to her. The 2 of them combined at their very worst don't even compare to what she was at her "best". It's not because they are super easy babies, but because I have seen what the worst is and know how to handle the pressure and challenges they bring.

So I hope it works out for you that way too. You will figure it out and get through. I promise . You are going to do great.

[sweetgrass]

No answers, but I just want you to know you are not alone. I am in your exact situation right now, minus the housing situation. Thank you everyone for your honest and non judgemental replies.

I am mom to a 3.5 year old son and wasn't trying to get pregnant. Just found out about the twins at 11 weeks. My husband and I are going through the wringer over this. We never wanted three kids, two would be plenty. I am struggling with the idea of terminating but can't imagine doing it. It just seems so overwhelming and simply not what I wanted (I know you don't always get what you want). I'm 41 and I barely have the energy to parent my son now.

Anyways I send you my love and understanding for where you are at. I hope whatever decision you make, it feels like the right one for you.

[chaoticzenmom]

Mojobot...Good for you! I know this might be an off-kind of response, but I did terminate twins 2years ago. I think they shouldn't send women out of that ultrasound room without some serious counseling. I'm shocked that so many others considered it. Anyway, twins would have been my 4th and 5th and were most likely Momo. I just couldn't see how I could carry them and take care of my kids. Afterwards, I couldn't believe I thought I couldn't do it. I would see twins everywhere and think "They did it, I could have done it." I got pregnant with a singleton 3 months after the termination. I look at how easy he is and think "I soo could have handled 2 of him." Although having him has healed me a lot, I still see twins everywhere and there's a pain deep inside that I didn't give it a try, no matter the outcome.

I don't usually frequent this board, but when I saw the title, I thought this might be what it was about.
Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!
Lisa

[Intertwined]

I'm glad you've decided to give it a shot. Twins have been such an amazing thing to go through. Wonderful and hard and delightful and painful and fun.

My twins were also born 17 months after THE HELL CHILD. 6 months of non-stop screaming and could never be put down-the only place she'd nap was on my back (and she WASN'T petite). Oh, what a first year we had with her! So yeah, even though my twins are probably "average" as far as mellowness goes it was a cake walk as compared with #4. They slept pretty well, nursed well, played nicely together until they got to about 20 months (now they try to kill each other--I won't elaborate lest I scare you more ). It's been totally awesome.

[MissyCham]

Good luck and blessings to you! My children, now 8 (twins) and 6 are spaced exactly how yours will be (I had the twins first though). You can do it! It will be hard, but the rewards will be immense. Remember, this is a gift you will not unwrap for many months, so you have time to plan, plan, plan and get your head around it. And of course, if the babies are born and you cannot do it adopting them out is always an option. There are so many families that could provide a beautiful home.

My suggestion is to be extremely flexible with yourself when the babies are here .. don't get locked into any ideas about how things have to be with them or your toddler. Just see what works and then change what doesn't. This I mean in terms of sleeping, feeding, naps, etc. Forgive yourself quickly for any moments of lost temper or tears ... the kids won't remember and neither should you.

Even though it is not very AP (no flames), I would suggest trying to get the twins on the same schedule as soon as you can. One, you'll get more sleep if they are feeding at the same time at night. Two, the predictability will give you some sanity. I found it pretty easy to do by always feeding them at the same time, even if it meant waking one up.

What might work for you as far as the stairs: if possible keep a tandem/double stroller in the lowest part of the stairwell (lock it up maybe?). Have the toddler bump down, wear one baby and carry the other. Two go in the stroller, one is worn.

I was very worried about the effect another baby would have on my relationship with the twins. You have enough love for them all. They will be very close because they are so close in age and interested in the same things. My children are just great together.. three peas in a pod.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Keep everyone up to date.

[Llyra]

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to say hi at least. I can't imagine how I missed this thread before. I just wanted to chime in and say that I am the mama of a 5 year old and 3 year old twins, so I've been through the toddler-and-infant-twins situation. We live in a two-bedroom apartment on a just-above-poverty income level. When the twins were born, we had very few connections to anybody locally, and it was HARD. Very hard, I won't lie to you about that. Looking back, I can say it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do or ever will have to do, and now that I've done it, I feel like I could do just about anything.

I work part-time in the evenings; I took four months off after the twins came, and then another month around the time they turned a year old (because of DS's allergies and sleep issues.)

As far as your older daughter, I think I have some perspective on that now. It definitely rocked my daughter's world, having twin siblings when she was only 2 years old. (It doesn't help, too, that I got very sick after they were born, with a chronic serious illness, and we didn't get my disease under control for a whole year after the birth.)

There were some really hard times, where she felt very lost in the shuffle, and where she indulged in some attention-getting behaviors. But on the whole, I think having her brother and sister has been a transformative experience for her, and a blessing. She's learned all kinds of things about compassion and about patience and about living together with other people. She and her siblings are incredibly close-- they have this beautiful web of love and caring between the three of them. They drive each other nuts, sometimes, with all three living in the same bedroom, and drive me nuts, too, but it's so worth it to see the relationship they have. So I wouldn't worry about that. Love doesn't run out, and when patience runs out, everybody learns an important live lesson about what it means to be in a family.

The physical logistics of a walk-up sound daunting, but anything can be done with patience and planning.

Anyway, I gotta go and cook lunch for this crew, but if you ever need somebody to talk to, let me know.

FWIW, DH and I joined a local UU church here when the twins were 2, and it was been the greatest thing we've ever done. Even if you've been lackluster members thus far, reach out to them. I so wish I'd joined a church before the twins came, because I can see how having a community of people to draw on for support would have made it so much easier.

[Ydolem]

HOORAY!!! I am so happy you have braved it out!!!! I am sure you will be happy you did. I was just thinking.......if you aren't sure about expenses and if you have a P.O. Box or something perhaps people would be happy to donate! I am not sure about the rules as far as that goes on this forum. It's not like you asked. I would be happy to help out with clothes, etc... If you want we can wait until you find out if you will be a mom to one or two first. I found out that alot of women get pregnant with twin but one will "disappear". Most women don't even know because they don't get an ultrasound until it's too late. Now, women are getting ultrasounds earlier and earlier now and they are finding that it is quite common to have a vanishing twin.

[mojobot2000]

Wow, thanks to everyone who has posted the last few days. I, too, am struck by how many here say they considered termination, or at least cried for days. They definitely should say more than, "congratulations, twins!" when they show you the ultrasound. I knew abortion was wrong for me from the start (long story), but the terror was just so overwhelming. What gave me the courage in the end was coming out and telling my husband exactly what I wanted him to say. ("Don't have an abortion. I want to raise these babies. I will not abandon you, and we will find a way to do this together.") He went and took a walk around the block, then came back and said it--from his heart.
I'm going for my follow up sono Friday and will post the results. For now, I wanted to share a few pieces of great news:
1) We just found out my SIL is auditioning for her dream job in the city and very well may be moving here soon. She's great, and would be a huge help.
2) My husband, who has not gotten so much as a cost of living adjustment in 2 years, asked for a raise, and the CEO of his organization just nominated him for a huge award in his field.
Good things.

[hergrace]

Just chiming in to say that my SIL was in Brooklyn when her twins were born and she met some great people through the Brooklyn multiples club. Mostly not AP, but very supportive. I know the two POMs groups that I am part of here are good at helping out parents of multiples in need of extra assistance. Definitely check the local group out.

Good luck.

[Intertwined]

Congrats on the potential helper and the MONEY! Oh, wouldn't that just be huge? I don't know where you stand spiritually but the Universe has kept us fed and clothed although we've had to swallow our pride and do things we'd rather have not more than once. Our basic needs have been provided for though, and we feel very, very lucky.

[mojobot2000]

Update: Had another sono Friday and sadly I did lose twin b. Twin A is doing well. I'm crushed, and like the poster who wrote about miscarrying twins at 10 weeks wrote, I would take back every tear I cried about being pregnant with twins. To get to the point where I'd accepted the twin pregnancy, I'd bonded with both babies, fantasized about our future...this whole experience has been a roller-coaster and now it feels like nothing but pointless punishment. I'm grieving, and it makes it much worse that no one understands--people say, "Oh well, you sort of knew it could happen," (true, but it doesn't mean I'm not sad) or, "You're still having one baby, so that's good" (true, but it doesn't mean I'm not sad), or, "Well, it's for the best, this will be much easier than having twins" (true, but it doesn't mean I'm not sad). My husband says it was just "pixels on a screen" and that if I hadn't gotten the scans I wouldn't even know about it, so it's not a real loss. Sigh.

I know I will out the other side soon, happy for the pregnancy and the family I have, but it's rough at the moment. Thanks for all the support, and I'm sorry I won't be joining the moms of multiples "tribe."

[hergrace]

I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry for the lack of support.

I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through it can really understand the complexity of grieving for one baby while trying to celebrate another. Especially after all the work you went through to come to peace with expecting twins.

I hope for ease for you soon. Grieve for your loss as you need to. And may the rest of your pregnancy be less stressful.

*Hugs*

[Intertwined]

Yeah that to Kate. You did so much work to come to a place of acceptance. I'm so sorry Mama. I am glad that the other baby is doing well but I am so sad for you for the loss of your other precious bean. And your husband is wrong. It wasn't just pixels on a screen. It was your child.

[Molliejo]

I am so sorry, mama.

[MissyCham]

My heart goes out to you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly. Best wishes and many condolences.

[cjcolorado]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have an uneventful and beautiful pregnancy and birth.

[cdahlgrd]

I didn't read all the posts. I am so so sorry for your loss! I found out I had twins, when I lost a triplet. I occasionally wonder about that baby and even miss him.

Take care of yourself and have a wonderful pg.