explaining cremation to an almost 4 yo?

[snoopy5386]

My grandmother died a couple of days ago and is being cremated. The services are sometime next week. There will be no church service just a graveside service where the family will put her ashes into the same grave as my grandpa's ashes. I'm still on the fence about going - I'll be 36 weeks pregnant and it is a 6 hour round trip, but if we do go I'll have to explain the idea of cremation to my almost 4 yo DD. Anyone else go through this?

[lucysmom]

My mom died when my DD was just very little -- 4 months old. Her grandma's ashes are in a wooden box in a room in our house. She takes them out (they are in a bag) and hugs them sometimes. We've discussed cremation vs. burial. Both ideas are unnerving to her. But she has expressed that it is nice to be able to keep the remains of loved ones nearby. I first explained cremation when she started asking where my mom was now and where her body went. She's asked me whether I will be buried or cremated. We've discussed ashes to ashes & dust to dust (in a non-religious framework) & I think she finds cremation and the reduction of the body to its essential elements sort of comforting.

The bottom line is that it is death (and the prospect of my death, or that of other loved ones) that most concerns her. The aftermath with the body ... she seems to have made her peace with the idea of cremation.

[Jessy1019]

My son was 3 when his grandfather died, and the service allowed us to "watch" the cremation (which basically means watching the casket go into a big metal oven). It was really, REALLY less exciting than any of us were expecting.

Anyway, we did explain to the kids beforehand that Poppy's body was going to be put into a big fire and turned into ashes. When their uncle mentioned the "oven," as the casket was going in, my son asked, "Are we going to eat him?", and so we ended up talking about how Uncle Tony was just using the word "oven" to describe the fire that the body was being put into. It shouldn't have been funny, but it was.

Either way, my son doesn't seem to have had trouble understanding that that's one way to get rid of a body after someone has died . . . he knows burial is an option, too.

[carfreemama]

My sister died a little over a year ago, when dd was almost 5. I brought some of her ashes home in a handmade ceramic bottle. We have a fireplace and a composter, so I explained the process was a lot like that. I showed her the ashes from the fire and the soil from the compost. Dd said she liked that idea better than "worms crawling around" from being buried. It was, as a pp mentioned, a surprisingly gentle way to explain death. Dd says she wants to be cremated when she dies, but is clear that she never WANTS to die. She likes the idea of the return-to-the-earth cycle and it fits with us as a family, since we are only VERY loosely (very, very loosely) Christian and can't plausibly do the "going to Heaven" explanation. I think it helped that I was very comfortable with cremation, too. My mother had a much harder time with it and I would not have wanted her to be the one explaining it to dd. Siince we live out of province, I also think it helped with the idea of her aunt being gone; there would have been no grave to show her for months.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's hard to go through this with kids, no matter how it happens.

[hakeber]

my ds was just 3 when his papa died. He did not come to the funeral. It was a non-issue. It wasn't hard having the dead discusion, but was hard for him to understand why he couldn't talk about papa without making Gran cry.

We never got into the cremation thing...but then we always cremate in my family, so I don't know.

I'm trying to remember how my mom explained my grandpa's funeral to me. He died when I was four. I was allowed to go because we were quite close...we spread his ashes over the lake he loved most of all. I never even heard of burying a body until I was much older and saw it in a movie...Poltergeist, I think.

[meemee]

i have no idea what to tell you. what is important are the questions they ask. i had a healthy conversation with dd about cremation and a lot of other ways of dealing with the body because dd at 4 asked me what they do with the body.

a lot will depend on the moment. of how to explain it. but dont worry about it. you will know the answer by the way the question was asked.

s

[lonegirl]

My son was just about 3 (3wks away) when DH's gran passed away. She had been cremated right away so we never saw a coffin. Her remains were buried with DH's grandad's remains. DS was there at the service and graveside service....he didn't ask....we didn't tell. He knew granny was gone and was only in our hearts now and photos help us remember the fun times we had with her....he didn't ask what was goin on and as he was doing so well and would become very sad when granny was mentioned we felt there was no need to go into details at that time.