Oh boy, NOW what do I do? *FINAL UPDATE*

[InMediasRes]

Trying really hard not to type expletives because I am panicking over here.

I have written a lot lately about my mom. Basically we have a superficial relationship, and I am just coming to terms with what I think was emotional abuse in my childhood that continues. Right now I am in the MAD phase and I just want some space.

So I've been taking the space. She lives 10 minutes away, but I've hardly seen her. We've talked a few times, but it's been because she called. I've been very pleasant on the phone and in person, but I'm not looking for interaction with her right now.

She figure it out. Tonight I get an email from her asking if I could meet with her for a few hours this week. She "senses a divide between us, and hate[s] the way that feels."

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I'm not ready to talk about this yet! I'm still over here being seething angry about it! I have to get past that part before I can tell her! And it's not like she's going to listen anyway!

What do I do?!?!?!

[Purple*Lotus]

"I am sorry, I am very busy this week. I will let you know when it is a good time for me to meet with you."

[zebra15]

"This week isnt good for me, I will call you when I am ready to meet"

[StoriesInTheSoil]

I think Bunny and zebra both had great suggestions, just wanted to offer a

[pauletoy]

Meet with her when you feel ready to.

[InMediasRes]

Oh geez, this is a perfect illustration of how messed up our dynamic is. She says "meet this week", and it doesn't even occur to me that I could say "no".

Thanks for the input.

[zebra15]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

Oh geez, this is a perfect illustration of how messed up our dynamic is. She says "meet this week", and it doesn't even occur to me that I could say "no".

Thanks for the input.

You can say 'NO' you can say whatever you darn well please. It took me years and years and $$'s of therapy to figure that out. Well, technically I'm still in therapy and probably will be for life but hey, I've figure a bunch of stuff out. Your mom doesn't control you, so don't feel guilty, about saying NO!

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

Trying really hard not to type expletives because I am panicking over here.

I have written a lot lately about my mom. Basically we have a superficial relationship, and I am just coming to terms with what I think was emotional abuse in my childhood that continues. Right now I am in the MAD phase and I just want some space.

So I've been taking the space. She lives 10 minutes away, but I've hardly seen her. We've talked a few times, but it's been because she called. I've been very pleasant on the phone and in person, but I'm not looking for interaction with her right now.

She figure it out. Tonight I get an email from her asking if I could meet with her for a few hours this week. She "senses a divide between us, and hate[s] the way that feels."

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! I'm not ready to talk about this yet! I'm still over here being seething angry about it! I have to get past that part before I can tell her! And it's not like she's going to listen anyway!

What do I do?!?!?!

I might consider being direct and clean with her. "I am not ready to talk about it Mom."

[InMediasRes]

So I did two things I said I wasn't going to do.

I wrote the letter to my mom. And then I sent it.

And I scheduled a time to meet with her on Saturday. Neutral territory. I should be able to get about 3-4 hours with her if the kids behave.

I don't know if it was the smartest thing to do, but I thought long and hard about it. I know that right now, she is wondering what's going on, and she wants to fix it. I might not get that kind of understanding from her if I postpone.

And I am crazy anxious about this thing, and if I put it off, I will just be more and more anxious. I had a panic attack today, so I don't think I can make it through a long amount of time knowing that I have to confront her on the other side.

The letter got all the things out I wanted to say. I was afraid if I didn't say them in a letter that I might not get to say them on Saturday when she starts her guilt tactics on me and I clam up. Mostly what I want is to be heard.

I know this is very likely going to get much much worse before it gets better. Maybe I made a bad choice, but for once in my life I feel like I said what I wanted to say to my mother and I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders already. I don't know what Saturday will bring. It could be really ugly. But at least I confronted her with my feelings and she knows what's bothering me.

Wish me luck!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

and good luck!

[MariaMadly]

My own mother is needy and can be quite (unintentionally, I suspect) toxic. Whenever I ask something of her, she does the guilt thing. I'm not a daughter asking for understanding and support, I'm someone who's calling her a bad mother despite all she's done for me.

"Mostly what I want is to be heard." Right here. Your mother may never be able to hear you. But what you're doing to give your needs attention makes you heard. Walk in there knowing what you expect of yourself, do the best you can to advocate for yourself, but be very careful how much control you give your mother over your definition of success. Take comfort from what you're doing to honor what's in your own heart.

[Starflower]

[Freedom~Mama]

[InMediasRes]

Talk happened Saturday

So my mom and I had emailed each other the things we wanted to talk about during the week last week. We met for coffee on Saturday afternoon.

I could not have imagined a better outcome. I am still a little overwhelmed from the change, but I felt like my mom listened to me - really listened - and I felt heard. I felt like I could talk to her like an adult. I felt like she respected what I had to say.

But better than that, I felt like I could hear her. She was hurting too from the last few years of things going wrong. We agreed that we had spiraled into a nasty cycle that we couldn't kick ourselves out of. She talked to me as a friend and equal, and not as a child.

She apparently had a dream the night before we met that her dad (my Grampa who passed away a few years ago) came to her and essentially told her not to leave things unfinished. To right the wrongs. She was in tears telling me about it, like he was really there with her. I don't know what happened but she was a really different woman. She also told me that she is thinking about getting some counseling for body image issues, which I think is a really positive step for her.

I am still being wary. Obviously, we have a lot of work to do to maintain it. We can talk about it all we want, but if we stop communicating past that it doesn't change things at all. She has promised that she will do her best to tell me when she's hurt instead of ignoring me. I am going to do my best to hear where she's coming from instead of getting angry first.

I really think the emails helped tremendously. We both get angry and emotional very easily, and after reading what she wrote over and over and over again, I felt like I could hear her instead of the voice in my head telling me how much she hurt me over the years. She said she had the same experience with my email.

But mostly I feel like I have a breath of fresh air after being trapped in a dark mine. I think a new page has turned over and I'm looking forward to moving forward.

[Starflower]

Thanks for the update. Your experience gives me hope. I have been having mother issues lately as well and feel like something will be coming to a head. Thanks for sharing with us.

[Freedom~Mama]

Wow I am so hopeful and happy for you.

That gives me hope as well, as I have struggled with Mom issues for my whole life and know at some point I am really going to have to lay it on the line for my sanity.