stay at Home Dad's? (x-posted in Dads forum)

[COgirl19]

My Dh is considering staying at home with our kids. We have one almost 3 year old and another one due in August. We just financially won't be able to afford childcare. He has been unemployed since August and we have no prospects right now so between that and being hesitant to put a new baby in daycare it may be best if he stays at home not only financially but for the kids.
Anyway, he is ex-Navy and this is TOTALLY out of his element. He was an officer and was used to a fast-paced in-charge type of life-style. He is great with our DD but has never stayed at home before. Can anyone share some experiences and tips for him?

[MusicianDad]

If he's never been home alone with the kids before, my tip would be give him experience before he has to do it for real. Just set up a day when you do something that is not of vital importance so you can come home if issues arise, and have him stay with the kids.

[_ktg_]

subbing - so I can have my DH read this and give tips via me since he still doesn't have a username here....

[pinksprklybarefoot]

My DH is the SAHD - he lost his job in Oct. The transition went really well.

One of the things that I have done is to for the most part, let him do things his way, organize things the way they work for him (like cupboards, countertops, etc). I had my system, I let him develop his (with the exception of the laundry - he needed to learn what gets washed with what, on what temp).

If your DH is an ex-military officer, he might actually be pretty good at running a household. I was previously married to an officer, and I did ROTC in college, so I have a little knowledge about that. Running a house can be like running an army company (not sure what the navy equivalent is). He is probably very organized, can easily develop systems for things, and will most likely create a routine for the kids. Tell him to think of it like a military operation, heck, even write an order for it.

My DH told me that one of the most helpful things was to approach SAHDing like a job even though you are at home. Originally, he felt like he should be able to relax - he was at home! That made him really crabby. Anyone who has SAHP'd before knows that it is not relaxing. Once he changed his outlook, he felt a lot better about the situation.

[Punchy Kaby]

My DH stays at home part time. Last summer after our babywad born he stayed at home full time. It was challenging and frustrating for him. I found that DH didn't feel 'qualified' or trained to stay at home with 2 kids (4yo and newborn) but after a couple of weeks he gained confidence and learned how to juggle the kids plus all the daily home tasks. He does an excellent job! After a few weeks he made a comment about how hard it is to stay at home with the kids! He truly understands now what SAHM go through. The other benefit is that now that he is back at work he still does 50% of the work like packing lunches, clothes, laundry, cleaning breastpump parts. It's funny now because he takes DS to swim class most days and he knows all the moms and he introduced me to all of them on Monday. Complete role reversal!

[COgirl19]

Thanks for the advice everyone,

This week he is easing into it with just 2 days with her. Yesterday was his first day and they had a great time! I think they wore each other out though, they both went to bed without a fuss!

He is not sure how he will get anything "done" while keeping her but I told him not to worry about it for a now, he will settle into a routine. Luckily I work a mile away with a flexible schedule so I can easily come home and "restore order" if he needs me too. The main thing we are concerned about is the transition with a newborn coming in August. I am taking maternity leave so we will ease into that too but all of your suggestions are really helpful!

Funny, desptie being a military officer he is hopelessly disorganized! His one pitfall that his senior officers complained about. However I am not much better, our home is really just controlled chaos rather than clean.

[sparklett]

DH has been a SAHD for 2 years and will likely continue for 2-4 more years.

This wasn't the plan (I was supposed to be the SAHP, but my skills are more marketable in this economy), but it has really turned out okay. It really took lots of adjustment on my part.

One thing I've come to realize is that DH will NEVER do things the way I tell him to, and that's totally okay. His job is to help raise our son and I have to say that I'm really proud of the work he's doing. I really don't think I could have done better.

I expect him to keep our son fed, entertained, and clothed. Anything outside of that is icing on the cake. He takes care of laundry and cleans the kitchen, but I don't expect anything else. Housework is cooperative.

DH has ALWAYS wanted to be a SAHD. He takes DS to playgroup nearly every week and also takes him out nearly every day to walk around town, visit with other kids etc. He does a great job of keeping DS social. To be honest, this is something I absolutely expect of him- staying at home and watching TV or lounging around in pajamas is simply not allowed, and I honestly don't think DS or DH would like doing that, anyway.

DH is also responsible for at-home education. That means that they do lots of reading, counting, and puzzles together. There are no "educational" videos or computer games. My plan was to homeschool DS until we we ready for school, so now that task falls to DH.

I had to help DH understand the idea of complete and balanced meals. DH tends to let our two-year-old dictate meals, and we've had plenty of conversations about how just an apple or crackers is NOT okay for breakfast, even if that's all DS says he wants. DH is now doing a much better job of cooking good meals.

If you are making this transition, remember that the focus is on raising your children, not having a spotless house. In our home, playtime takes precedent over vacuuming.

And dads really DO need some "guy time". DH enjoys playing computer games a few times a week and also hangs out with his friends every couple of weeks. I also try to take DS away for half a day so that DH can just relax.

Like I said, this was a hard adjustment for me, but now I see it as a blessing. When our husbands stay home, we are giving our children an amazing gift that most other kids aren't able to experience.

[blizzard_babe]

DH was a FT SAHD, is now a PT SAHD (DS goes to a babysitter two mornings a week), and when the baby comes next fall will likely go back to being a FT SAHD.

I think it has, overall, worked out OK, but we've had our issues. I expected him to do things my way (not fair), he treated me going to work like I was going away on an eight-hour vacation every day (also not fair), and we both just generally struggled with our new roles.

We did a lot better when we started actually TALKING about it .

[snarky]

My husband only lasted a year as a SAHD before we put my daughter in day care.

His temperament was not suited to the task. My daughter was a difficult baby, she cried a lot. This really stressed him out and he was not able to deal with parenting well after a few hours of meltdowns a day.

He also felt other men would look down on him for not working a job. I tried to convince him that this was not true but at the end of the day I could not shake this perception that he had. My husband is a carpenter and I think it just boiled down to the fact that he missed his tools, he missed working with his hands, and he wished he had a job. He was much happier once he was working with his tools again.

The SAHD gig worked well for us while it lasted, though. I just stayed out of his routine and let him do whatever he wanted. He's a responsible guy so it went well. My only tip is to arrange some supplemental childcare so he can have breaks.

[ecoteat]

DH is a WAHD and has been for almost 4 years. I am a part-time teacher, so he definitely gets breaks. He worked very hard to establish a routine that works best for him and dd. They have a totally different thing going than dd and I do, and it works beautifully for us. DD has never had any expectation of her time with him being like her time with me, and I think that's good.

[rivkah]

My DH is a stay-at-home dad. He has been for about 9 months now. he stays home with our infant,and our 10-year-old. It has been a very positive experience for us.

There are all sorts of SAHD's out there, and they are growing in numbers. I'd have him check to see if there are any groups in your area. There are often SAHD groups that meet for park days and happy hours. Isolation is bad for any stay at home parents, but I think it is particularly hard for men, because they don't always feel welcome in the SAH-Parent groups.

It is good to keep in mind that most of us haven't stayed at home with children all day before we had kids. Excepting people who were nannies or something similar, most of us are thrust into parenthood with inadequate training and experience, whether we are mothers or fathers. We all have different parenting styles, but I am not sure it is an gender based as it is just personality based.

Good luck!