I feel my life is over but not because I am stuck at home with a baby but because I am worried about my child. I cry every day, I blame my husband and my mother in my depression. I am afraid that my child is ruined forever that he might be autistic although he is only 4 -week old. When I ask my husband for help and explain what I need he usually does it his way and I become hysterical every time when he doesn't do it the way I asked. For example, the other day I asked him not to warm up milk in a plastic bottle. And of course, I caught him doing it anyway. I don't sleep till 5 o'clock in the morning as my husband has to sleep at night. Sometimes I can't go to bed till 7 as my newborn doesn't sleep well at all and needs lots of attention. So my husband knowing that I don't sleep all night long calls maintenance workers at 11 o'clock. For the first time I feel that I don't have any respect left for this man. Our relationship was pretty darn close to perfect before. It started in a hospital. I told my husband hundred times that I didn't want to vaccinate my child without investigating first which vaccines he would really need. So when a nurse spoke of Hep B vaccination I turned to my husband and said "remember what I told you about vaccinations". Then the nurse says one phrase "you don't want you child to have hepatitis" and immediately he said "yes" to that. If I wasn't a drugged idiot who couldn't think clearly at that moment I would never agreed to that vaccination. But the stupid nurse wanted it my husband wanted it and I agreed. He could be more supportive. He could have read something about that vaccine before giving it our newborn baby. But it looks like it is much easier for him to say "YES" to everybody and everything. My mother is another person who aggravated the situation by making a scandal just a week after I gave birth. She got drunk and all night long she was yelping that I was treating her like a maid. My husband asked her couple of times to stop yelping. She didn't even care that he had to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to work she kept yelping. I invited her from another country. She didn't see me for at least 4 years. My husband and I were sending her money for 7 years. She didn't work since I married, telling everybody that she was going to live with me. First of all, I didn't even want her to come. She wanted to come. I didn't even tell her about my pregnancy. When she arrived I was 7 month pregnant and bedridden. Obviously I needed help. The last thing I heard from her was: " The only reason I came here to see if you are placed in mental home". I don't think I will ever forgive her for that. She has never been a good mother and become even more horrible grandmother. I am not going to take antidepressants as I am breastfeeding.
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3/15/10 at 4:39am