At a loss... DS1 hurting DS2

[MissSJ]

I am at a loss as to how to deal with DS1 (5yrs) hurting DS2 (3yrs). DS1 will do this for many reasons including - when DS2 doesn't want to play DS1's game, when DS2 says something DS1 doesn't think is true, when DS2 is doing something DS1 knows DS2 shouldn't be doing, when DS2 is playing with a toy DS1 wants to play with, and sometimes for what appears to be no reason at all. DS1 hits, scratches, punches, pulls hair and pushes DS2.

We've talked about how violence is not OK. I've tried using timeouts which usually results is DS1 hurting me and/or hitting the wall, trying to throw things, threatening to break things. We've read books about anger and talked about things people can do when they are mad - take deep breaths, count, go somewhere by yourself.

I just don't know what to do and when I am at my wits end I get so angry which only intensifies DS1s anger. I feel like I am not protecting DS2. I feel like I am doing DS1 a disservice, that he needs help with these anger issues before they get worse. I feel helpless.

I think I need some way to help DS1 snap out of it when he is acting violent and I think I need some thing to help prevent him from acting this way in the first place.

Does anyone have any suggestions? What do you do in your family when a dc acts out in violence? Is this normal?

Thanks,
SJ

[riverview9]

tell them BOTH to stop fighting. if you talk to the older one about not hurting the younger one he is getting the attention he wants and may resent the younger one even more. i know the younger one may not be bringing this on himself and may be totally innocent. . when my 3 year old is being mean or rough housing iwth his 1 year old sister. i say "luke and bella stop fighting" it usually works, maybe 90% of the time and prevents it in the future. it will feel weird at first but give it a couple days and reap the rewards.

[MissSJ]

Originally Posted by riverview9

tell them BOTH to stop fighting. if you talk to the older one about not hurting the younger one he is getting the attention he wants and may resent the younger one even more. i know the younger one may not be bringing this on himself and may be totally innocent. . when my 3 year old is being mean or rough housing iwth his 1 year old sister. i say "luke and bella stop fighting" it usually works, maybe 90% of the time and prevents it in the future. it will feel weird at first but give it a couple days and reap the rewards.

There are times when they are both fighting with each other that I do tell them both to stop fighting as you suggest. Telling both of them to stop fighting when DS2 has done nothing to incite his brother does not address DS1's anger problems he has been having. It also seems to me DS1 could possibly hurt his brother just to get him in trouble and that it could stop DS2 from coming to me when his brother hurts him. Neither of which I want to see happening. I would just like to address DS1's issues with using violence against his brother and against me/dh when he is placed in a timeout or angry with us.

[mommy amber]

same problem with my 4yo dd and 14mo ds...
at my wits end...