Should I take the SAHM plunge? Money v. Sanity?

[Laurodactyl]

I need some objective advice on the SAHM thing. Please please.

Here's my situation: I've been back to work for a month and a half (I went back when ds was 10 weeks). I asked to come back only half time and to bring my baby with me to work. I also asked to be given a flexible schedule. My employer said 'yes' to all these things and I even received a large Christmas bonus and a dollar an hour raise (during my maternity leave).

Sounds pretty perfect, right? That's what I thought, until I really started doing it. What should be half time at work/half time at home is more like full time at work, because I am spending almost half my time at work just trying to get my ds to calm down or go to sleep or we're feeding, and I only count the time that I am actually doing work things, or course. My work is pretty demanding. I'm an event manager for a non-profit and my job is all about deadlines, so even on the rare occasions I'm off work, I'm constantly thinking about work and wondering what I can possibly squeeze in from home and wishing ds would go down for a nap so I could check my work email and make a few phone calls.

When I'm AT work with ds, I feel like I am not achieving success at either task. Like both aspects of my life are suffering severely. I do not feel like a good mother... sitting at my computer with ds between my arms, typing, while ds stares at the screen. When he does go down (I put him in a bassinet by my desk), I rush rush rush to get through all the work I can (stressful!), and when I hear him waking up I always think, Oh crap! No, sweetie, don't wake up...I have so much more to do. Also, I do not feel like a good employee: constantly composing emails with one hand so I can breastfeed, taking ds into meetings when he's fussy, and generally not accomplishing the things on my weekly list (because there is simply not enough time)...I am trying to work a full-time job in half the time. Also having to wake up in the night for feedings and then stay awake and alert during the work day is not an easy task.

Before I got pregnant, I always thought I would be s SAHM when I had a baby. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But now that this phase of my life is upon me, I can see how incredibly difficult it would be to live with one income.

But, I've been considering quitting my job and becoming a SAHM. I'm so tired of working TWO full-time jobs. But, my job is a hard one to quit....as you can tell...they are SO accommodating and it really is a great group of people working for a good cause. Also, mine and dh's financial situation is not a stable one. My husband has a fairly low-paying job and we are getting ready to buy our first house. We have the down payment ready to go, but making the monthly mortgage on one income would be tight tight tight. We have to move because our landlord is selling our house (and it is not the right one for us going forward--only one bedroom).

When all is said and done, I think we could make it work (and dh is on board w/whatever I decide), but it would be really hard financially (we would have to stop going out altogether and seriously cut back on the types of groceries we buy--organic/local/co-op food). However, becoming a SAHM would give me my sanity back, my happiness, my chance to be a good mother to Milo, my ability to take care of the house (dh rarely pitches in). AND, I think I could make a little supplemental income with my sewing and other hobbies.

The only other option I can think of is to put ds into daycare. But I do not make much money at my job. After paying for daycare I would only be making maybe 7 or 8 dollars an hour. Is that small amount of extra $ worth it to be away from my baby all day? How can I even put a price tag on that? I really don't think daycare is an option for me.

As you can see, I'm pretty confused right now. Could anyone who's been through a similar situation offer some advice? I am very grateful for anything you can share.

[SoCaliMommy]

I would make the leap to be a SAHM if you could make your mortgage payment on one income and if you could still make it if your husband was to ever get laid off.

If you can make the payments on 1 income i'd go for it, i'd rather be happy and in my own house and tight on money than paying rent to someone.

[maptome]

The thing that jumped out to me was buying a house. I would advise against putting that financial pressure on yourself regardless of whether or not you decide to SAH. Can you find another place to rent that you could afford on one income? Buying would also cause a lot of financial stress if one of you were to ever lose your job. If you didn't have such a heavy financial responsibility, I think it would help you follow your heart in making a decision.

[berry987]

I agree with the pp who suggested you hold out on buying a house. What about finding a new rental and signing a year lease? See how well you make ends meet being a SAHM for that year and then buy a house if all is well. Then at least you'll have a better idea how much you were able to cut out. Personally, I have a much harder time cutting the grocery budget than I realized I would -- I pictured saving tons of money because I'd be making everything from scratch. Which is ideal, of course, but even as a SAHM I just don't have the time to make everything from scratch. That's the reality for me.

Of course, being a SAHM myself, I think it's the best thing in the world if you can swing it. Although, I must say, if you're seeking "sanity" I'm not sure you'll get it! SAH is awesome, but being around little ones all day can sure make a grown woman feel a little

I actually thought I'd work once I had kids, but then pretty much as soon as I got pregnant with my first my whole world changed and now I plan to be home at least until my youngest goes to school (I have a 5, 3 and 1 yo).

Good luck!

[holothuroidea]

I would avoid making too many life changes all at once.

Baby-career-house all at the same time is a little too much, right?

Follow your gut, but try to only make one decision at a time.

(Just a word of advice from someone who graduated college, got married, moved out of state, got a job, got pregnant and moved again in the course of 6 months.... whew!)

[CherryBombMama]

oh mama, you sound like me a few months ago. Just cross over. Cross over to the SAHM side and feel the bliss. I took my son to work (child care center) and it was madness. once he could move, he followed me around all day crying. He never slept. I was a sweaty mess trying to move extra fast to do the things expected of me, plus what he would need me to do.

so i just say CROSS OVER!!! you will love being at home and seing your son grow at his own pace

[4Blessings]

I went back to work when my first child was three months old. Spent the next ten months trying to figure out a way to stay home and raise my precious baby. Loved my job but I knew that I loved my little one even more.

Eight years later (and three more kids) I can say that choosing to leave paid employment was the best decision I could have made. Financially we've made a whole lot of sacrifice but it is so worth it.

[hergrace]

It sounds like taking the baby to work is the worst of both worlds. I would be thinking of either getting somebody else to care for the baby while I was working or finding a way to be home.

If you think you will want to go back to work, you should think about how hard rentry is for women who have completely left the workplace.

I had just been laid off when I got pregnant with my eldest so I didn't start looking for work until he was 2. I couldn't find work. Now, I have been out of work for 7 years, cannot find work and am desperate to not be a SAHM anymore.

Not to say you shouldn't do it. Just something to think about.

[Chamomile Girl]

I agree with the previous poster about thinking hard regarding reentry to the workforce. I have only been home for less than a year but finding a job has been very difficult because I am a teacher (in California) and half the state just got pinkslipped.

In addition to that staying home with a babe is, frankly, really boring. I love my son to pieces and he seems to be a bright little thing, but there are only so many walks around the neighborhood one can do before feeling like its groundshog day. I have found that SAH does not offer enough intellectual stimulation (and adult company!!!), personally.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by Laurodactyl

However, becoming a SAHM would give me my sanity back, my happiness, my chance to be a good mother to Milo, my ability to take care of the house (dh rarely pitches in). AND, I think I could make a little supplemental income with my sewing and other hobbies.

Can I just interject here that you're already a good mother to Milo, and that being a SAHM gives you no more or less a "chance" to do that?

I also think that as disappointing as it is, you'll need to start shopping around for a house you can actually afford on one income. Your saved downpayment will keep. I agree it's better to rent for a year and spend some more time looking for something you can afford than to rush this.

You're stressed out at work. If you bite off more than you can chew and you know you are one step away from defaulting on your mortgage, I can guarantee you will be just as, if not more, stressed.

Plus, renting for a year (or less, but I know the "standard" lease is a year) with something you can afford will also give you practice on what you really do need to cut back on.

I think if you SAH but still continue on to buy something you can barely afford under the best circumstances, you're moving from the frying pan to the fire. I think SAHing is great. In order to do that you will need to change your trajectory a bit, and that may mean moving the time schedule to home ownership.

[HappyMommy2]

Part time work was perfect for me. I did 3 days a week. BUT - I would need daycare, for sure! On the days where I worked from home with a kid for whatever reason, were awful and stressful!!

In your shoes, and in this economy, I would personally get daycare and work part time...

Unless you want to be a SAHM and can do it, then go for it! (But it still might be a little insane!) :-)

good luck mama!

[becoming]

I quit a similar, very accommodating job to SAH after trying the bring-baby-to-work set-up. I don't know how anyone actually does a job well with a baby there in the office. I know exactly the feeling you're describing of feeling like you suck at both things. I would quit, but I would try to find another house to rent rather than buying one right now.

[lisavark]

I'll put in another vote for SAHM'ing being great, even though I never thought I'd do it and I definitely have days when I miss work like crazy. But there are ways you can get some income while you're at home, too. What about watching someone else's baby, even a couple of days a week? That's a lot of work, but I don't think it takes you away from your own child as much as trying to do adult activities like being on the computer and talking on the phone does. Or what about renting out a room in your house? Sounds crazy, I know, but we have a housemate and it's AWESOME. When we first moved to our current house (which is a rental), we shared it with a single mom and her son...it was pretty crowded, but my daughter LOVED having an older kid to play with, and the other mom and I traded off childcare. Now we have a single guy who lives with us, a good friend of ours, and he's awesome--doesn't take up any room and we hardly know he's here. You have to enjoy living in community, and you have to find someone you get along with, but it's really great having the extra money! We're actually trying to buy a house now (waiting to hear back on the offer) that has a finished basement with a separate entrance, and we plan on renting out two rooms there if we get it. Maybe you could find a rental where you could sublet a room.

Or maybe you could keep your current job but switch to being truly part-time and ONLY working from home, and hire a mother's helper to play with your baby while you're working from home. That way you both get to be home, and he's in his own environment, and you can get a mother's helper for cheap.

[Laurodactyl]

The thing about buying a house is that the mortgage payment would actually be equal to or lower than our rent now. I guess we could find somewhere to live w/lower rent, but that would probably mean living in an apartment, and I don't think I can do that at this point in my life.

[Laurodactyl]

I'm starting to think the daycare idea (for just one day per week) might be worth looking into. Where/how do I begin this search? I also love the idea of the "mother's helper" for maybe one day per week. How much do you have to pay a mother's helper typically?

Thanks for all the great advice. It's really helpful!!

[ZoshaMosha]

I haven't read all the responses, but if I were in your shoes, I would hire a nanny who could bring the baby to work from time to time to nurse and play. While this is a major expense now, it would be less so as the baby gets older. In one year, your baby could maybe go to a toddler daycare and play with other kids. My DD went to daycare starting at 18 months and really really loved it. It's all about finding the right one.

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by Laurodactyl

The thing about buying a house is that the mortgage payment would actually be equal to or lower than our rent now. I guess we could find somewhere to live w/lower rent, but that would probably mean living in an apartment, and I don't think I can do that at this point in my life.

Even if the mortgage payment is less than your rent, the financial burden of owning a home is much greater than in a rental. Don't forget about taxes, fees, landscaping, extra utilities (water, sewer, hvac maintainance, trash, mail) and repairs. Depending on where you live those can add up to 5,000 to 10,000 a year.

Here in central Jersey it would be almost 20,000/year extra to own a home. Needless to say I think apartments are great!

[TheGirls]

I just want to second that the mortgage is only a part of the expense of buying a home. Our 15 year mortgage is less per month than our utilities+very basic maintenance+taxes. And we're diy-ers, we do almost everything ourselves, including all landscaping and most electrical work. And we didn't have to furnish the house really, we were fortunate with hand-me-downs. My house is small, only about 1000sqft, it would be far worse with a bigger house. Taxes alone are over 5,000/year, and the house is valued at under $100,000.

If you are going to SAH, I'd find housing that you can reasonably afford on one income. If you'd really like to spend more/earn more/stay with your career, I'd go with hiring someone to care for the baby - you won't come out much ahead this year, but you'll have more care options in another year.

Plus, then you can actually work part time and have that other time to focus on your child, rather than trying to do everything at the same time.

It's highly regional, but FWIW, here I pay a "mother's helper" (baby is not left alone with her, entertainment only) about $4/hr. A teenage babysitter is about $5/hr.

[Vaske]

I was in a very similar situation with the greatest, most accommodating job on the one hand, and a needy little baby on the other. I muddled along for over a year, juggling the two and losing my sanity, then resigned.

Part of my reason for quitting, though, was that I felt like I was ready for a career shift; my job was heading in a direction that I wasn't really interested in. I also felt the need to get our household running better and more economically. I have a couple of writing projects in the works now that might actually bring in some income.

We had paid off student loans as fast as we could, and scaled our budget to be able to live on one income, so the financial transition to one income was not too difficult. We actually moved from a rented house to an apartment, to save money. We've put off buying a house; it's more important to us to build our family right now.

I don't regret quitting, it turned out to be the right choice, and at the right time, too.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I was torn between an awesome work situation and being a SAHM also. I chose the latter and don't regret it one bit. The job can wait. My kiddos can't.