Money v. Sanity....how to decide? Taking baby to work is not working.

[Laurodactyl]

I need some objective advice on the Working v. SAHM thing. Please please. I also posted this on the SAHM forum....as I'm hoping to get some perspective from both sides. Thanks!

Here's my situation: I've been back to work for a month and a half (I went back when ds was 10 weeks). I asked to come back only half time and to bring my baby with me to work. I also asked to be given a flexible schedule. My employer said 'yes' to all these things and I even received a large Christmas bonus and a dollar an hour raise (during my maternity leave).

Sounds pretty perfect, right? That's what I thought, until I really started doing it. What should be half time at work/half time at home is more like full time at work, because I am spending almost half my time at work just trying to get my ds to calm down or go to sleep or we're feeding, and I only count the time that I am actually doing work things, or course. My work is pretty demanding. I'm an event manager for a non-profit and my job is all about deadlines, so even on the rare occasions I'm off work, I'm constantly thinking about work and wondering what I can possibly squeeze in from home and wishing ds would go down for a nap so I could check my work email and make a few phone calls.

When I'm AT work with ds, I feel like I am not achieving success at either task. Like both aspects of my life are suffering severely. I do not feel like a good mother... sitting at my computer with ds between my arms, typing, while ds stares at the screen. When he does go down (I put him in a bassinet by my desk), I rush rush rush to get through all the work I can (stressful!), and when I hear him waking up I always think, Oh crap! No, sweetie, don't wake up...I have so much more to do. Also, I do not feel like a good employee: constantly composing emails with one hand so I can breastfeed, taking ds into meetings when he's fussy, and generally not accomplishing the things on my weekly list (because there is simply not enough time)...I am trying to work a full-time job in half the time. Also having to wake up in the night for feedings and then stay awake and alert during the work day is not an easy task.

Before I got pregnant, I always thought I would be s SAHM when I had a baby. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But now that this phase of my life is upon me, I can see how incredibly difficult it would be to live with one income.

But, I've been considering quitting my job and becoming a SAHM. I'm so tired of working TWO full-time jobs. But, my job is a hard one to quit....as you can tell...they are SO accommodating and it really is a great group of people working for a good cause. Also, mine and dh's financial situation is not a stable one. My husband has a fairly low-paying job and we are getting ready to buy our first house. We have the down payment ready to go, but making the monthly mortgage on one income would be tight tight tight. We have to move because our landlord is selling our house (and it is not the right one for us going forward--only one bedroom).

When all is said and done, I think we could make it work (and dh is on board w/whatever I decide), but it would be really hard financially (we would have to stop going out altogether and seriously cut back on the types of groceries we buy--organic/local/co-op food). However, becoming a SAHM would give me my sanity back, my happiness, my chance to be a good mother to Milo, my ability to take care of the house (dh rarely pitches in). AND, I think I could make a little supplemental income with my sewing and other hobbies.

The only other option I can think of is to put ds into daycare. But I do not make much money at my job. After paying for daycare I would only be making maybe 7 or 8 dollars an hour. Is that small amount of extra $ worth it to be away from my baby all day? How can I even put a price tag on that? I really don't think daycare is an option for me.

As you can see, I'm pretty confused right now. Could anyone who's been through a similar situation offer some advice? I am very grateful for anything you can share.

[madskye]

Why not try daycare for the mornings, and then pick up DS at lunch time and bring him back to the office. Then you have 4 hours to focus in the morning, you can take your time getting used to daycare or a care giver and ease into it until he is a little bigger.

I work from home and DD needs to go to some kind of daycare for me to do it. 4 hours is the minimum uninterupted time I've found I can still keep up with my job. I don't work well late at night!

[Carita]

ITA with Madskye - before quitting altogether, try just 1/2 days or 2 or 3 days/week. That was my favorite situation as long as it worked for my job. When he's older, you could just do afternoons when he's sleeping 1/2 the afternoon anyway.

Also just sit and crunch the numbers for all 3 options - FT work w/daycare, PT work w/daycare and SAHM. Then you'll have a better idea whether or not the extra $/hr is worth it. The $7 margin is pretty darn good - I know many that go back for a lot less. Also consider if this type of job you could enter again into the industry after taking time off or not.

[bluebunny]

With my first child, I went back to work when he was 10 weeks old (like you!). I was working full-time, 40 hours per week. It was overwhelming. I wanted to quit but we could not have gotten by financially. I started looking for a part-time job. I found a PT position when DS was eight months old and I'm still there, almost five years later. I love it. I work about 20 hours per week. It was the perfect work-life balance for me.

If I were you, I would not buy a house right now. It sounds as though your finances would be really tight and that is hard. I would find a rental until you have figured out for certain what you want to do. It sounds as if your work situation (flexible, part-time) would be perfect if you could actually get work done. I would start looking for childcare. Is there a reason that daycare is the only option? Could you look into in-home providers? Mom's Morning Out programs? Part-time nannies (college students?)?

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you want to work outside the home or be a stay at home mom. Then you need to figure out how to make it happen. I think you have more options that you realize. Making a decision for one or the other is the first step.

[physmom]

I was almost in this exact same situation a year ago. Here's what we did. I basically suffered through the constant work/stress for a year and FINALLY broke down and hired a babysitter for about 9-12 hours a week. Best move I ever made! Yes, it was very hard on DD (and me!) at first but really I was so much more productive when she wasn't with me. We can't afford a full time nanny and, honestly, I really cherish the time I get to spend with DD so that's probably a good thing. I just end up working at nights many time and during her naps. It's not easy but we've fallen into a routine that works more or less.

Could you try and encourage your DH to help out a bit more around the house? That's really the one thing that keeps me sane is that we split the chores. If you sit down and tell him how overwhelming everything is right now maybe he'd be willing to help?

[1jooj]

It's not easy. I didn't start my job until my children were older (ds 5, dd 2), but it's still a struggle over the right amount of work, how to care for them, and how to get it done.

Can you combine at-home hours and office hours? It sounds like a job where there are a lot of things you can get done at home, in short spurts of time, as opportunities present themselves.

Keep in mind, too, that daycare costs typically go down as your child grows. And if you can stay with reduced hours and still get by, it is a blessing.

Brainstorm a few new ideas to try, maybe discuss with your boss and see if (s)he has any ideas, and go from there. Quitting is not failure, but try to make sure it's really what you want.

[DariusMom]

I agree with everyone else. Stop taking the baby to work. Find a part time babysitter or good daycare. It's too difficult and too stressful.

I personally wouldn't give up this position yet. See how you feel in a few months, and how it works out bringing in a little extra help. Flexible employers are *very hard* to find, and benefits (including pensions, CV building, networking, increased earning potential) accrue over tiem. Gaps in your CV are hard to fill, even when doing something worthwhile like SAHMing. Also, clearing $7 or $8 an hour after childcare isn't too bad, especailly when you factor in all the benefits of staying in the workforce.

If, in the end, your heart is in SAHMing, then go for it! But I also think that maybe it would be better to put off buying the home, *especially* if you are pretty serious about quitting your job.

[madskye]

The other thing is that a flexible job is tough to find...so, if you can make it through this period, this schedule & employer eventually could work very well for you and your family.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I know lots of people who think that taking baby to work is the greatest thing ever. It never worked for me -- even for the occassional day when we had childcare issues. I was grateful to be able to do PT (3 days a week) when my kids were babies.

I agree with the others -- try sitter or daycare first, before you quit your job. I ended up being unemployed for about a year when DD was a toddler and I hated it. I am a much better person and mother when I WOH. It sounds like you enjoy your job and you have a great employer, so I would try other options before throwing those away.

[Girlprof]

Here's something else, on a sort of related topic. In any other western democracy, you would have been very unlikely to go back to work after only 10 weeks. Most countries provide PAID maternity leave for at least 14 weeks and perhaps longer. This is not really *your* problem - it is a country-wide problem (imho).

Consider joining momsrising, an organization devoted to getting better policies in place to support parents.

[mamacolleen]

Could your DH quit his job and be a SAHD? Or go part-time and you both share the childcare and breadwinning? If you make more money than him, it might make more sense for him to stay at home.

If that isn't an option, I would suggest looking into part-time childcare. A couple mornings a week might work for you.

[GuildJenn]

I could have written your post when I went back to work, although it was later on.

Although I know mothers have to do it and do do it, for me trying to work and care for my child without childcare was incredibly stressful and I ended up feeling inadequate all the time. When I thought about it, I realized I would never agree to an arrangement where a nanny or another mother was watching my child AND working so why would I expect it of myself?

That said, if you have a job you love that's flexible, I myself would TOTALLY work for $6-7/hr or even less in order to stay current in your career, stay on the salary grid, network, be around other adults, and gain pension/retirement savings/whatever points. It's not just about the dollar amount at the end of the day (and I work full time & after all my costs I probably don't net much more...right now. Soon that will change). It's about the lifetime earnings.

So in your shoes I personally would look for great childcare - you have the luxury of some time here to find it. It could cover part or all of the hours you work and give you some time to concentrate on the job knowing that your child is having a loving and fun experience learning to trust others.

[Mosaic]

Honestly, it sounds like you mentally haven't switched to half-time. You're trying so hard to prove yourself and make this scenario work out, that you're clearly working more than half-time. I do understand that tending to your DS's needs at work means you're less productive there, and you want to make some of that time up. BUT, your employer knew that was part of the deal if you brought your DS to work. Even if you do want to go above and beyond to make up some of that time, you need to set better limits at home, and just let go of the expectation that you're going to do as much as you did before you had a baby.

I feel like maybe this is coming across as bossy or harsh, when that is not my intention at all! I just know that I really, REALLY struggled with work/life balance after having DD. And the fact is that pretty much every working mom you meet will admit to going through at least some time where she feels like she's doing neither job well. Adding daycare, even SAH won't solve the problem unless you can give up some of the expectations that you have for yourself. It is HARD, and my DD is almost 4 and finding that balance is a daily struggle.