3.5 year old, won't use potty

[ehunter27]

Hi. I'm sure this is an all to familiar thread, but any sage advice would be useful and appreciated.

DS is turning 3.5 in a week or so. We live in the northeast, and last spring I attempted a bit of potty training for a few days, but it didn't really go anywhere. I had a 5 month old at the time and he wasn't super interested.

I had to go back to work; awful schedule, rather awful time for my family. My husband was working 60 hours a week and I about 35. The two kids went to daycare early (arriving at 7 a.m.) and DS had a very tough time. He would become hysterical for the first 12 or so weeks as soon as he awoke...potty training had to take a backseat to emotional wellbeing. PLus, the toddler daycare room had no toilet so we figured that if he had to wear diapers there, it would be tough to be consistent.

DS turned 3 late Sept. Before he was three he was moved to preschool room. Very introverted boy, and now he was the youngest by a couple months, and most of the boys were 4, some turned 5 in the fall. Tough time again, as he had finally adjusted and become happy in the toddler program. We attempted some potty training again...it didn't seem to be working...and it was tough to do it weekends and still have to send him in pull-ups. One thing I would not do was allow DS to wet himself at school; he was having such a tough time anyway.

WEll, we put it off for this and that; now he is 3.5 and it is a real issue. He has great control; can tell you if he needs a diaper, etc., but will not let pee out. He won't even stand and let it out. He will soak his pants; but instead of just releasing, he is holding it in, holding it in, and then squeezing his penis as it drips out to try to keep it in. He squeezes his penis on the potty if we "practice". His younger sister (17 months) loves the potty. He has yet to pee or poop in it.

Ugh. Should we just go cold turkey? We've been doing a when Mom is home we don't wear diapers, but keeping him in pull-ups at night. However, he withholds so much, I've been either letting him get in a bath to pee or giving him a diaper if he needs to poop. Should I absolute cold turkey? I am so afraid of him developing issues/withholding/etc. Plus, he is intact, and I know his penis doesn't extend to pee in diapers, as he has complained it hurts to stand and pee vs. wear a diaper. I assume the hurt is foreskin stretching a bit.

He still goes to daycare, but starting this week only two days. So we do have a better window. We'll have to see.

Any good advice? Any similar tales? I am a really easygoing Mom, and have tried to be very positive with DS. I know it is hard for him; I suspect we have let him physiologically become dependent on diapers. Probably a tough pattern to break.

Thanks so much!!!

[ehunter27]

no suggestions?

[Grace and Granola]

I can't tell from your post...are you still working and trying this on the weekends? It would be really hard to potty train like that, IMHO, if your daycare provider isn't absolutely willing to work with you on being consistent in this.

If it is at all possible, I would try to stay at home with him for a week. The way we potty trained both boys was to just have a week of nakedness! Is your ds experiencing anxiety about letting it out? If so, it might take more time. I babysit a little girl who just turned 3 and she is just plain freaked out about the potty. I wouldn't push a kids like that. But if it's not like that, I think a good solid week of naked time and just trying to be consistent might work. Pull-ups at nap and nighttime, but other than that--naked.

[lovesea]

My whole home environment is different to yours but ds has taught me that they'll let you know when they're ready. I was worried over ds going dry through the night and tried to talk to him about it, he always rejected the discussion. He'd say, I'll stop wearing diapers at night when I'm big like x (a friend's son who is 8). I also couldn't get him to use the toilet as he wanted to keep using the potty. Suddenly, one day I saw him take a chair into the bathroom, I peeped in to check what he was doing and he was sat on the toilet clinging to the chair. He'd obviously been a bit apprehensive about falling into the toilet and worked out a way to ease his fears. I was totally unaware that this frightened him but on realising it I was so glad I hadn't pushed the whole toilet thing. He also really surprised me one day when out of the blue he said he didn't want to wear diapers at night. That was about 2 months ago (he'll be four in June) and he's had only 1 accident. I think him being in daycare and noticing that his friends use the toilet combined with his sense of control will eventually push him to give it a go but he may just need to make that decision himself.