Woman's Shelter or Parent's House?

[PinkNFluffy]

I am leaving my partner at the end of the month, I have to find a place for two weeks until I get posession of the house my parent's bought. I guess my partner is abusive, but it's not that bad, he hasn't touched me for a while but in the past few days has said, "I F-ing hate you" "You're a two faced B word" (Actual swearing) and I didn't even do or say anything to him. I could tell he wanted to hit me but he restrains himself very well.

I don't want to stay with my parent's because my stepdad drinks and I am a recovering alcoholic who has been sober the past three years. I think it might be hard for me to have beer in the fridge. I can't ask him not to drink because he just drinks too much, he is alcoholic who isn't in recovery. I don't like the dynamics of their house, they are really great to me and everything but...you know what I mean, I feel like I'm suffocating when I'm there for even a couple of hours! I can't imagine two weeks!

On the other hand, the woman's shelter is probably dirty inside, I am embarassed to tell anyone I am there, there might be really crazy people who stay there, my family will know my boyfriend is abusive and I'm not even abused that bad, it's only verbal lately. Oh, did I mention I would be sooo embarassed if I saw anyone who knew us? What would people think of me?

What should I do!

[Theia]

If staying with family would jeopardize your sobriety, then I'd choose the shelter.

I stayed in a DV shelter and a Transitional Housing Program last year. Neither place was ideal, but both were better than my abusive relationship. It wasn't a highly physically abusive relationship either. In fact when I went there, my X wasn't even in our home, he was away and expected to return and I took the chance to leave safely on my terms.

If you go to a womens DV shelter, it will require your and your DC's confidentiality. You will not tell people where you are staying (revealing the physical location) because that jeopardizes the mission of those places. So if you need to, you can just say you are staying with friends, family, or even living in a motel for a couple of weeks. What others think of you and your stbx isn't important. Abuse is abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter how bad it is or was. If you go to a DV shelter you will have access to counseling for yourself and some shelters also have a counselor who can work with the effects the abusive environment has had on your DC. (You don't mention DC in this post, but I think I read elsewhere that you are a Mom?) While you are in the shelter you will find access to other things and resources that will be helpful to you.

The shelter I stayed in wasn't filthy (relative I know). Each adult was required to do chores to keep the home clean. We had a laundry room, full kitchen with lots of free food that either the shelter bought or received in donation. Don't take valuables with you, things like jewelry, small electronics etc. And if you do take those, smuggle them into your room so that other residents don't know you have them. I smuggled my laptop into both shelters. The DV shelter didn't have a rule against it, but the THP did and would have required it to be locked up. It was a rule to prevent theft, but it would also prevent me from using it. I highly recommend that you take valuables with you when you leave for the day, and don't tell anyone that you have these things. We had DVD's and other things stolen in my shelter, I didn't personally have anything stolen, but I was very careful to not let it be known I had anything worth stealing.

It's only for 2 weeks right? I'm guessing you've been sober for longer than 2 weeks, and it'd be a shame to lose your sobriety over a bit of fear and pride.

[aihcalappa]

Another vote for the shelter. And just because your partner hasn't touched you in a while, does not mean he is not abusive. Those things he said to you? Abusive. Name calling? Abusive.
One of the things I had to learn was to stop minimizing my ex's abuse. I spent a long time while we were together minimizing things in my head, so I would not have to face the pain. The more time and space I have from him, the more it sinks in, and I am sooo glad to be free of the abuse.
I commend you on your sobriety, and wish you a safe transition to your new life.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I second Not minimizing the abuse. You could tell he WANTED to hit you? How is that Not That Bad? The shelter may be a good place to seek some counseling for yourself. Its important you learn that any form of abuse is bad. Living in fear of physical/emotional/verbal abuse is just wrong, no matter how severe.

[MeepyCat]

I'd go to the shelter too. The risk to your sobriety is what tips me over, also, while the shelter may be less clean than you'd like, and may have a few kind of crazy people in it, it will be very difficult for your STBX to find you there. And while you say that he hasn't hit you lately and it's not that bad, abuse does frequently escalate when the victim leaves or tries to leave. Presumably, he knows where your parents live and could look for you there - you'd be safer in the shelter.

If I was your friend and found out you were staying in a DV shelter, I would think that you were bravely doing what was best for yourself and your children. I would be glad that you got out of a bad situation mostly unhurt. I think that's what a lot of people would think of you.

[Halfasianmomma]

hi mama...

I also left a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship last year, and though I was lucky enough to have my parents' house as an option (neither of them are alcoholics or abusive), I would have found a way to leave anyhow because I realized, after speaking to a DV shelter counsellor, that the abuse would only escalate. My STBX went from yelling, to cussing at me, to breaking things, to slamming his fists into walls and on tables, to cutting himself...it could have gone a lot further. He had knives. He had a gun. I left to save my daughter's and my own life. Sure, when I see STBX now and he looks so darn NORMAL, I wonder if it really happened...but then I re-read my journal entries from that period, and I remember the crying, the begging, the yelling, the fear, and I know the abuse was REAL. It sounds like you are in the same boat and you have an opportunity to get out *before* he hurts you physically.

As for what other people would think of you...I think you are seeing the situation from the eyes of an abuser, instead of from the eyes of an outsider or a victim. The abuser might look down on you for taking off, but to anyone else on the outside, you would be considered extremely brave to leave a "comfortable" situation to face the unknown. Also, you may not have thought about this, but your friends/acquaintances and family may already suspect what's going on but didn't know for certain and didn't want to intervene. That was certainly the case with me.

[meemee]

aaaaaah what people think.

mama this is the beginning. people have minds. people think. people have lips. people talk.

how does that affect you? in fact their talk is another path to grow stronger.

so let them say... you do what you have to.

absolutely i'd choose the shelter over home in your situation.

[pranamama]

have you checked to see if the shelter has room? You may wind up calling every day for a while before getting in.....

[wetcement101]

Yes, call the shelter first to discuss your options. It really depends what your community offers. Maybe they can help you plan for transitional housing- something with more autonomy than the shelter and longer term.
I worked at a shelter years ago- it was quite clean and pleasant and the workers really cared about the women and children.
It's nice to know you could stay with your parents if you had to, but at such a stressful time in your life it sounds very risky.
If you need to stay with your parents, can you connect with an AA or similar group to help stay sober during your transition?

[PinkNFluffy]

Hey

I have been a member of AA for six years and have a lot of good friends there... I'm just concerned about having beer in the fridge, a few feet away, I've never dealt with that. Escpecially during a difficult time. My Mom says he is "quitting" this week but he is quitting every few months so I don't really believe it. I also don't want the stress of someone going cold turkey. It's just a headache.

I just feel like, I am going to be looked down on by people, even shelter workers for being so desperate that I have to stay there. I have a lot of pride, I would pawn my diamond ring before asking family to borrow money.

Anyway, things were going so good, we were getting along so great and I've been timing us with the cycle of abuse. I knew that the eggshells and the abuse was coming. Then tonight, it was something about money that set him off, he said I am the most selfish person he has ever met, he can't wait to be rid of me and I am a bitch or some other name, can't really recall. I just ignored it, I hate being put down. I reaized, I really do believe him when he says these things!

Anyway, I don't mean to rant. I am calling the shelter tomorrow and hope I have the courage to leave. Like I said, I have a house ready April 15th so it's only two weeks.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

hope I have the courage to leave.

dont be too hard on yourself. no matter what you do - stay or go - its just two weeks.

the courage will come. because when you have had enough you will be DONE. you not even have an inkling of doubt.

however one place that you will find it hard is your pride. hopefully you wont have to but somedays you may need to ask for help. or help will come to you and circumstances will force you to accept.

just remember, as a friend pointed out, that when you accept you are 'returning' a lot by allowing someone to contribute to your life and helping them feel good.

you will do good - no matter what happens.

[PinkNFluffy]

Tried calling-all booked up.

[RiverSky]

It's only two weeks. Do you have any friends you can stay with? Do you have money for a cheap hotel? Can you take the kids on a camping trip for that time, make it a fun thing? Is there anyone you can visit for two weeks? I truly think that you don't need the temptation of having beer in the house during a stressful time, nor the stress and crap of being around a drunk. Best wishes!

[Theia]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Tried calling-all booked up.

Call every day. People frequently leave shelter on a moments notice whether they are scheduled to leave that day or not. I would keep trying, and also ask them if there are other shelters in your area that you could call. They may say that all of those are also full, but as I said, people frequently leave shelter on a whim.... they get upset at a rule, or another resident, or whatever.

Also, I'm not sure if your DC are school age or not, but if you move into a shelter the school district is still responsible for transporting your DC to and from the school (within reason of course) that they are currently attending. It's a federal law, so don't let that keep you from going to another shelter that might be a bit farther from your current home. During my time in shelter, I knew a girl who was driven by a small staff of 4 rotating taxi drivers to school and back to shelter about 20 miles each way. Just something to keep in mind. There were safeguards in place that only one of the assigned drivers could transport her, and they had to pick her up at the school and shelter only.

I just feel like, I am going to be looked down on by people, even shelter workers for being so desperate that I have to stay there. I have a lot of pride, I would pawn my diamond ring before asking family to borrow money.

Many of the workers in the DV shelter I stayed in had also been in abusive relationships. They will not look down on you, they were so sympathetic and understanding, like only someone who has been in your shoes can be. When I first arrived in shelter, I was completely overwhelmed by the number of people and children. But it was strangely neat too. I knew that everyone who was there had also left a harmful situation. And they knew that was why DD and I were there too. It was a strange type of sisterhood. You don't have to become friends with anyone, or even socialize. But no one is going to look down on you, and if they do.... so what. They are strangers that you will probably never see again. In fact, we were told in our shelter that if we are out in the community and see a former resident or worker, it is best not to approach them. The workers won't approach former residents because they have no idea if you are still in an abusive relationship and that your abuser might be just around the corner or with you. And its the same for why residents shouldn't approach each other in random social situations.

I hope you keep trying to get into shelter. I think it is much better than your alternative.

[One Art]

I hear you on the pride issue - it is still something I struggle with in certain situations.

However, I am now two years out of my abusive marriage, and I cannot emphasize enough how dramatically it's changed my life to learn how to ask for help. I could never, ever ask for help when I was married. Now, I ask for help frequently. Not every day, or even every week, but when things come up that I can't figure out on my own. And guess what? I have the biggest circle of friends I have ever had in my life, because of it. People like to help. People like to know that they are doing something positive in someone else's life. And when people help each other, they become closer, and, in my experience, often become friends. But there is a huge leap of faith and trust and vulnerability that comes with asking for help. And it's still scary to me, at times. Because there isn't a 100% positive response rate, and when you hear "no" at times, it can be so discouraging and can make you not want to ever try again. But you must. You must for your sake, for your kids' sakes, and even for your friends' sakes. The friends I consider to be the closest are the ones who ask me for help. It makes me happy that they can count on me and that I'm someone they turn to to ask for help when they need it.

Just some food for thought. Please try to get into a shelter if you can, or ask a friend for help. All the best to you.

[dziwozony]

I would keep calling the shelter to see if a space opens up (maybe call outside of the home if you think your partner will get suspicious of the number?)

I stayed in a shelter (they call it Women's Refuge here) for about a month while I got things sorted. I had friends that I could have stayed with, but they had their own kids & it would have been a bit hectic. Plus, my X was really angry about me leaving, so I wouldn't have been comfortable putting my friends in a position where their family might have to experience his temper.

Being at the refuge was good becasue I had regular access to people who knew a lot about the specific situation I was going through. They *understood* all of the complicated details that others who have not been in an abusive relationship might not understand. Also, they helped me find a lawyer, apply for legal aide, sort out benefit/welfare details, & generally maneuver the system. My friends wouldn't have been able to do that! So there are a lot of benefits to going through a social service like that.

All shelters are so different depending on where you live. Where I stayed was comfortable & clean. A woman's shelter is not necessarily like a homeless shelter, which you might be thinking of.

~good luck~

[Freedom~Mama]

^ITA. I stayed at a womens and children shelter two years ago and am on the waiting list to stay there again and it is a great place. They have so many great resources and it is clean and cozy. It is much nicer than I originally thought it would be.

I think staying at a shelter can be very helpful when trying to get out of an abusive situation.



Good luck to you.

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by Theia

Call every day. People frequently leave shelter on a moments notice whether they are scheduled to leave that day or not. I would keep trying, and also ask them if there are other shelters in your area that you could call. They may say that all of those are also full, but as I said, people frequently leave shelter on a whim.... they get upset at a rule, or another resident, or whatever.

Yes to this. When I managed the shelter here people left at all times of the day and night, and it was almost always without notice. Rarely did anyone leave on a pre determined day. Once they were gone, I cleaned the room, did the laundry and it was ready to be filled again. So keep calling.

[Labbemama]

Yes call multiple times a day even. Ask about shelters in the surrounding areas if you have to.

Will it be safe when he's out of your home in two weeks?

That was my initial plan when I left the first shelter and my stbx then knew where we were and bugged us a lot. Actually even literally bugged the house with webcams, had the neighbors keeping tabs on me, broke into the house. I don't want to scare you but I tell you so you can have a plan.

Personally, I prefer the hotel. More annonymity, less rules, more privacy, but if I had to I would go back to a shelter. My kids and I have been in 3 different ones.

If your family is not healthy and would put you at risk of relapse or returning to your ex then you need to figure out other options.