5 year olds screaming, hitting, pinching when mad

[aschmied]

DD turned 5 in February. She is, for the most part, a very mature, introspective, lass. She is an utter delight with her little brother (at least most of the time, which is all I can ask!) We have regularly had a great deal of trouble leaving fun things. Sometimes she's just fine for months, with nothing more than a bit of whining. Then we enter a time, as we are in now, where leaving a fun thing results in screaming, crying, hitting me, and pinching me. This was annoying, but a learning time when she was 2. It was unacceptable, but I could still work with the "learning" phase when she was 3. When she was 4, it was really ticking me off, but family stress was high, I "coped" by getting mad, and it eventually passed for a while. At 5, I am at a loss. Stress levels are generally low, she's getting enough sleep, her diet is decent. At 5, I think she should be able to control herself better than that. She can, too, since she ONLY does it to me.

I could use some thoughts on how to deal with this. My current thought is way more punitive than I usually go, which is to say "Look, if you can't leave (activity x) without hitting and pinching me, then the next time we have the opportunity to go, we won't go. I don't want to be hit and pinched." It's a natural consequence, because it DOES make me not want to go, but...

Thanks!

[MissSJ]

We are having similar problems with ds1 who is also 5. He directs similar violence at myself/dh when he is angry and is constantly hurting his younger brother. I know how frustrating this can be and hope you get some suggestions on how to handle this type of behavior.

[Adasmommy]

I have a five year old and at times like this I totally tell her, "Remember that if you leave when I tell you I need us to leave, then I will be willing to keep taking you to fun places like the park."

I'm not doing a punishment, I'm being honest. And before we go to the park I tell her, "We can go to the park, but I need your agreement to come with me as soon as I say it's time to go because I can't take us to fun places if we can't leave on time."

And when we're at the park, and I'm going to want to leave in a few minutes, I tell her it's almost time to go, and remember that I need her to really come with me as soon as I say it's time, so that we can keep coming to parks. I also ask what she wants to do in the last five minutes before we go, so if there's something in particular, like swings, she thinks about it now and does it.

And it works for mine. Can't say whether it would work for yours.

[Adasmommy]

Just wanted to add that mine was refusing to come, and yelling and being rude but NOT hitting and pinching. If she was, I would definitely choose not to take her to an activity that ends in the heartache of having my beloved daughter attack me and that is a very natural consequence.

It's the worst when our kids treat us like enemies, isn't it? So frustrating because all I'm trying to orchestrate is a happy family!

[Thalia the Muse]

I agree that advance warning that it's getting close to time to go might be helfpul, and I also agree that at five, it's TOTALLY reasonable to say before you head out of the house to go to the park. "I know it's hard to leave the park when it's time to go. It's not fun, is it? But if you hit and pinch and scream when it's time to leave today, we will not come back to the park for a long time -- not until I feel sure I can trust you to do a better job leaving."