Would it be unfair to dd if my next child was...

[Armom]

...white? Sorry, I did not know how to title this. Dd is from Guatemala, with gorgeous very brown skin. I am white with brown hair and eyes. The place we live in is not super diverse, but not totally homogenous.

I am trying to adopt a child through my state's foster care system now. I have concerns that it if this child is white dd would feel left out, be the only person of color in our family (and no, adopting more than one right now is not a choice) be in situations where someone verbally assumes the other child is "mine" and she is not. Dd is very sensitive, wants very much to be like me, etc.

So, I really prefer a child of color. However, my worker just sent me a bulletin of a child in my age range who is white. There are definitely a lot of positives in terms of everything else.

In my state, if you are interested in a child your worker submits your homestudy, the child's worker then picks 3 homestudies, and then those go to a committee who picks the family they think is the best match...so I am not sure I have the luxury of narrowing things down too much if that makes any sense.

I am looking forward on hearing others' thoughts on this. Thanks!

[RedOakMomma]

I wonder about this, too. Dd is likely to be the only adopted, only Asian person in our family.

Any BTDT moms?

My thoughts, though they're not BTDT, is that they would still have some very important things in common. First of all, to have a sibling is really important through life. They'd have that bond. They'd also have the bond of being adopted. That would be a common thread that might mean quite a bit in terms of feeling equal in the family, of feeling they have a common past and way of joining the family. But I don't know about skin color...how much that would matter.

I've read a few books about adoption where different families who adopted are profiled, and to be honest...the children or young adults who are interviewed when different race adoptions took place never seem to care that much. It's more about wanting to feel secure about their looks, their background, for their own sake. Whether or not that need for security is deepened by having a sibling with a different skin color (or the same skin color as the parents) I don't know.

I hope someone will have some experience or research to share...I'm really interested in this, too.

[sesa70]

well, here is my two cents. We are in the waiting stage for our 2nd (and last) adoption. My disclaimer is that this is only my opinion and I totally respect that others may not agree

Older dd (10) is our bio child. She is very 'white', fair hair, skin, eyes. Dh and I are both percieved as white though technically I/we are not. I am Cuban and dh is Jewish. Younger dd (4) is hispanic, most likely Mexican. Like the OP's dd, she has lovely dark skin/hair/eyes. She is very aware of her differences and definately relates to others with brown skin.

My dh and I discussed this at length, and we did not think it was in our daughters best interest to add an additional 'white' child to our family. We are proud that our family is so diverse, but more importantly we recognize how important it is for our children (current and future) to have someone close to them that shares their life experience of being a minority child in a white family. So, for our next adoption we are not open to caucasian children.

I do believe this is also a personal choice, depending on the nature of your family and surroundings. Good luck with your decision, and with your next adoption!

[EFmom]

I've got two children who were adopted from China and we are white. My kids are a little older than most of those whose moms post here, so maybe I have a little insight into some of the issues that develop once they are past the young child stage. They are now 12 and 9.

Overall, my daughters are thriving by any measure. They are healthy, attractive, well-adjusted, happy, socially adept, well-rounded kids who do very well in school.

The racial thing is an issue and will continue to be an issue. This is my older dd's first year in jr. high so it is worse for her, and it is on her mind, because this is a time when kids focus so intently and painfully on their looks. They are defining their place in the world. It's not ruining her life by any means, but it is something she grapples with, and I know that it is a very good thing for my kids that they have a sibling with a common heritage. It is a source of strength for them.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I know that it is a very good thing for my kids that they have a sibling with a common heritage. It is a source of strength for them.

Beautifully put. I wish I could give that to dd, but it's not going to happen in our family. Hopefully some of the blessings we do have, and have been able to add, will give help her in finding the strength she needs.

[Armom]

Thank you. It is helpful to hear everyone's thoughts including the diversity of opinion. I know it is in dd's best interest to have another child of color (preferably latino/a, but in any case a child of color), but it is hard to know how "picky" I can be with our state's process...I will basically have to be picked for a child, and as a single parent that can be difficult.

Also, this "white" child has very low identified needs and is legally free...both things that are hard to come by.

Still, I think I still don't feel ready to put dd in this situation...given who she is (she is not a confident child, etc) as well as the inherent difficulties this can create for any child of color. Hope that makes sense...its been a long, hard day for other reasons, but I wanted to respond to you all...thanks.

[tiffani]

that's a really hard decision, just wanted to offer a cyberhug.

[honey-lilac]

I don't think I would let skin color deter a good match, whatever color the child was.

[Armom]

Thank you so much for the support and the thoughtful responses. I have decided to only consider children of color right now. Given who my daughter is, where we live, etc, I just don't think its in her best interest to be the only person of color in our small family. I called my worker and told her this, and also let me know that I could change my mind about this at some point. She seemed to understand.