BIL married the woman he had an affair with, she’s now the new SIL, wwyd?

[Olma]

BIL was married to his first wife for about 18 years, during the time he cheating on her on several occasions that I know of. He left the wife and children (16 and 5 at the time) to move in with this woman, 12 years younger (in her late 20’s at the time). They got married last year and had a baby.

It was a while after he moved out that he acknowledged to the family that he was seeing this woman and he is serious about her. At around the same time he asked me and DH to have his DD over for the Christmas break and to try to smooth things over for him with her and to get his DD to accept the mistress as his official girlfriend. To that point I tried to mind my own business and not voice my disapproval and what a jerk he’s been to the wife.

Since he involved me in his mess I tried to be the children’s advocate and explain per his DD request that they needed him, the DD needed to spend the Xmas break with him, not with us. The point was he had plans to travel abroad with the woman and couldn’t be bothered with the kids. It was their first Christmas together as a new couple, blah, blah. But the children took it really hard, specially the teenage daughter. She’s been confiding in me for years, I was very close to her and it broke my hear to see her suffering like that. The DD ended up spending Christmas with us.

To make a long story short, the mistress felt I was disapproving of the relationship and that I had something against her. Which I kinda had/have, because I don’t think you are a decent person if you snatch someone else’s husband to make it your own and put your needs first before the children’s. I understand that in the previous marriage things weren’t peachy and he wasn’t happy, and the way I explained it to him was that I wasn’t judging him on divorcing the first wife if things weren't going well, just the way he went about cheating on her and all.

Anyway, now that she is the official SIL things are cold, there is no relationship to speak of, which is fine by me. But MIL is giving me grief how I ‘ruined’ the brotherhood between DH and his brother, how we weren’t invited to the wedding and then to the baby’s Christening and all. That it’s a pity for the children because they are cousins etc. I don’t really care for BIL, not one bit for SIL, my DH doesn’t approve of what he did and how he did it, so we’re good on this end, it’s not an issue between us.
But boy, MIL goes on and on. We live thousands of miles away from family, so it’s not we avoid Sunday’s dinner at MIL’s house or anything. It’s just that to visit we would have to shell some money which DH made it very clear it’s not a priority. MIL is furious with me, because she can't accept that her son, my DH has his own standards and doesn't really approve of his brother's acts. She feels it’s my responsibility to smooth things over with BIL and SIL and make an effort to accept her that she is now part of the family. I just can’t, it goes against my values and beliefs. I am decent and polite but that’s all.

SIL have been sending me pics of the baby, I say thanks, comment with a ‘oh, how cute’ or ‘she looks like FIL’, but I don’t engage her…Same with DH, he doesn’t engage his brother in more than polite conversation about neutral stuff.

I tried to see it from her end, that she was/is young and she fell in love with him, that he was the one that betrayed the wife, that it must be hard for her to be now the wife and know that people comment behind her back...Yet, I don't know, in my book you still have to know that it's wrong to go out with a married man specially when there are children involved...

What would you do?

[proudmomof4]

Not that this is gonna help but: !

[Maluhia]

No matter if you dissaprove of what happened she is now the SIL and punishing both of them is one of those things that does no one any good. What would you want BIL to do? Other than improve his relationship with his DD, which he's got to do without you advocating for her anyway, is there something he could to do "win" you back? Because in the end, it does not matter what one's family thinks once they've made the choice. I think your MIL should stop harassing you and you/DH should decide if you are going to have a relationship or not and then stop being cold/distant/holding judgment. It's not changing BIL's behavior, it could not, and in the long run it's not causing you/your DH any great emotional health from judging BIL.

[hotmamacita]

I really do not know what I would do. I probably would not want to pretend everything is fine either. I would be kind, of course, but I am not sure I could pretend that the whole thing was not hard on the children or ex-wife either.

A close, close friend is going through a divorce. Her husband cheated on her with a younger woman who was/is totally indifferent to the fact that he is married. He seems to be planning to marry this person and it just makes me ill. I know what they have done to my friend and it is so deeply wrong.

[EFmom]

I would tell MIL in no uncertain terms to get stuffed, and I'd keep the relationship with the new woman and BIL very superficial and distant.

Yes, BIL made his choice, etc., but it's a choice that would keep him out of my life in any serious way for good.

[lotusdebi]

What EFmom said.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. BIL and SIL have shown who they are. They're certainly not people I would trust. They're not people whose values I share. They're not people whose company I would want to keep.

[Caneel]

This:

Originally Posted by lotusdebi

What EFmom said.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. BIL and SIL have shown who they are. They're certainly not people I would trust. They're not people whose values I share. They're not people whose company I would want to keep.

and, warning - snark alert - this:

Originally Posted by Olma

BIL was married to his first wife for about 18 years, during the time he cheating on her on several occasions that I know of. He left the wife and children (16 and 5 at the time) to move in with this woman, 12 years younger (in her late 20’s at the time). They got married last year and had a baby.

Given his history, it is likely she won't be your SIL for the long-term.....it is unlikely a man with a history in running around and a woman that thinks it is ok to do what she did will remain together. He will cheat again and/or she will replace him with someone better/younger/richer/whatever.

[Kailey's mom]

I say trust your instincts on this one. I can't see myself being friends with the SIL either.

[Olma]

Maluhia, thanks for your perspective. Yes, things are changed now that she is family hence my dilemma on how to deal with her/them.
I’m not punishing them, nor am I judging them now. I really don’t care for them, but for the sake of the ‘family’ I was debating if I should really look into what MIL is saying or not.
No, there isn’t anything BIL can make to ‘win’ me back and he doesn’t have to, because in the end, he did nothing wrong to me. It’s just the moral issue.

Hotmamacita, I’m really sorry for your friend. I hope you can offer her all the support you can and she can move on herself as well.

EFmom, Lotusdebi and Caneel thanks, your opinion is very much in line with my gut feeling. They are not people I respect and want in my life and that should be the end of it. I think MIL is trying to pin on me her guilty conscience. DH's relationship with his brother was strained even from growing up, for their own reasons, but it happened under MIL’s watch so to speak.

Thanks for letting me put things in writing here and sorting them out like this. I think I will tell MIL next time to just shove it, or take it up with DH -- he will give her a piece of his mind for sure.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by Olma

I think MIL is trying to pin on me her guilty conscience. DH's relationship with his brother was strained even from growing up, for their own reasons, but it happened under MIL’s watch so to speak.

This very well may be the case. There was a bit of this b.s. going on with my MIL(s) a life-long not-so-great relationship between brothers was some how my fault. It isn't uncommon.

[KBinSATX]

I think it would be up to your DH to talk to your MIL. I wouldn't argue with my MIL about family stuff. It's DH's fmily so he can be the one to discuss it. That would also take the wind out of her sails in regards to you sabotaging your DH's relationship with his brother.

Icky situation to be in. Hope the BIL has the sense to make his kids more of a priority from now on.

[Olma]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

I say trust your instincts on this one. I can't see myself being friends with the SIL either.

Thanks Kailey's mom, I will just do that.

[EFmom]

This attempted guilt trip about closeness with the in-law siblings thing gets me.

My dh isn't at all close to several of his brothers. He never has been. They were rotten to him as teenagers, and they have very little in common as adults. One of them is a know it all, another is an insufferable snob, and a third is still reliving his adolescence, 40 years later. They can be cordial at family gatherings, but they don't seek each other out.

I don't particularly like his brothers, but I stay out of it. I certainly do not think it is my responsibility to make them be friends. If he wants to call them, he's got opposable thumbs and a telephone.

My MIL has also attempted to place the blame for the relationships among the brothers on the wives. I lofted that little guilt balloon right back to her. After going through this a number of times, Dh also told her pretty clearly that a) it has nothing to do with me. b) he doesn't especially like his brothers. and c) it's none of her business.

[Olma]

Originally Posted by KBinSATX

I think it would be up to your DH to talk to your MIL. I wouldn't argue with my MIL about family stuff. It's DH's fmily so he can be the one to discuss it. That would also take the wind out of her sails in regards to you sabotaging your DH's relationship with his brother.

Icky situation to be in. Hope the BIL has the sense to make his kids more of a priority from now on.

I think MIL sees me as the weaker one from DH and I. DH really doesn't buy into her bull when she tries to manipulate him in her little ways. But she got to me. Somehow she sees this my fault, and it doesn't occur to her that new SIL is the one holding the grudge since we weren't invited to the wedding and Christening (not that we would have gone anyway). She thinks it is my fault because I opened my mouth when at the time everybody, including her was in agreement that BIL was doing the wrong thing.

Unfortunately BIL's relationship with his DD is non existent. She's off to college and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. He still has visitation rights with his son, but SIL was smart enough to move their new family to another country so BIL sees his son only twice a year if that.

[Marsupialmom]

I think you are supporting a double standard. You were for the children...but you cannot get over your disapproval for the children.

Why is this new "baby" (which you did not acknowledge as a niece or nephew, just new baby and she). I would ask my self why is this new baby a she not a niece? How do you think this niece will feel that you do not seem to give her the same respect as the other?

You don't know how this relationship will go. You really don't know what was going on in the house of the first marriage. Yes your bil messed up and should have done things differently but barely "engaging" the new sil or trying to support their marriage or their child is counter to what you said about "for the children". This new niece deserves the same as you other.

People make mistakes. I think you and your dh should "forgive" (maybe not forget) but "forgive your bil. What is done is done. Now you need to think about what is best for this new family. That child will "feel" how you treat her differently not as important as the first set of kids. She will eventually know or grow to understand she is less important to you and your dh.

I would hope family would look past a mistake, especially a big one. You are holding their affair over their heads. How is that right? When or will you look less about their relationship? What happens during the time you finally accept their marriage? How much more damage will happen if you are not supportive? Not having family acceptance is very hard on a relationship.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by KBinSATX

I think it would be up to your DH to talk to your MIL. I wouldn't argue with my MIL about family stuff. It's DH's fmily so he can be the one to discuss it. That would also take the wind out of her sails in regards to you sabotaging your DH's relationship with his brother.

I totally agree.

[tanyam926]

Boo hoo for them. They made the choices they made and now they have to deal w/the consequences.

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone around you ignored your dispicable behavior and just pretended that everything was peachy? That's what your MIL is asking you to do.

Just bc they are family doesn't mean you have to be BFF w/them. Kindness and respectable adult behavior is a must, but I sure as heck wouldn't want to call them up for a double date.

Judging people by their actions is not a bad thing to do.

If I were in your shoes I would keep the peace and keep an open mind. They may grow up and become wonderful people who made mistakes in the past. You never know. It would take a lot to earn back my respect though.

[prone_to_wander]

I think you are well within your rights. I'd ask my DH to talk to his mother and get her to back off. It isn't your fault your DH and BIL have a strained relationship. Your DH feels the same way as you. I'd make sure his mother knows this.

I don't believe we have to put up with rotten behaviour from people just because they are family. I have family that makes no effort to contact me (even stopping in the same town I lived in) so why would I go out of my way to see them? I don't like some people in my family and therefore I don't go and spend time with them. I don't know why you need to be buddy buddy with family members that don't share the same values as you. I think you said it best with:
"No, there isn’t anything BIL can make to ‘win’ me back and he doesn’t have to, because in the end, he did nothing wrong to me. It’s just the moral issue."

Because really, your BIL and new SIL made their bed and now they have to lay in it.

[nola79]

I would accept her, she's no longer the mistress, they're married and have a baby.

[Purple*Lotus]

I have not read the whole thread, so I apologize if I am saying the same thing as someone else did.

I would not judge the new SIL because I would not want to be judged. People make mistakes, some people make big mistakes. I have been forgiven for my mistakes and I would hope that someone could do the same for me. The way I see it is, is that you don't really have much to do with the situation. It is not like your husband cheated on you. Therefore, I would be accepting to her and try to welcome her in to the family. That is how I would want to be treated. Maybe she is sorry for what she did and maybe she isn't. I just don't see how holding animosity towards her and your BIL helps anything. I would encourage my H to extend forgiveness as well.