I’ve stayed away from MDC for a while because it’s been too upsetting for me to be here, but I need some wise words right now, and I can really only get them here.
Everything in my life is falling apart and I don’t feel like I have the skills I need to get through it.
Brief version of the saga:
My partner of 13 years (my only partner ever) is leaving me, or trying to leave me. DP is living with someone new, only coming home to our house every few weeks. The new partner is really controlling, but DP says that his heart is with this new person regardless. We are both very sad – he is sad that I am hurting so much, I am sad that he is not wanting to be my partner – but DP still wants to be with this woman.
This time last year we were starting to TTC. Then DP said no and pushed our life together away more and more (DP was seeing this other woman before – we used to have an open relationship but DP has decided against it now, and just wants to be with this woman). We started couples therapy (we’re still going) but there’s no progress made towards being ‘together’ any more. It’s something that I want, but that DP doesn’t – he wants to, if anything, find a just and kind way of stepping back from me. It seems to be a struggle for DP just to spend time with me at all. I never know when the next time we’re going to spend time together is, and if I ask, DP says the pressure is too much and that maybe we shouldn’t see each other at all. I know that he misses me, our home, our cat, but still he won’t come back to stay for longer than a few hours.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I’m losing everything – the only person I’ve ever loved, who I still love very much, who I still want to spend my life with. My dream of having a family, which was so close to happening. My relationship with DP’s awesome family. All of everything that for years we’ve talked about doing together. I don’t want this to be happening.
I don’t know how to tell my family this is going on. We’re not super-close, but eventually I’ll have to tell them. They will be sad and likely judgemental. I’m internalizing that judgement (about failed relationships) but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to afford a house on my own. I don’t want a house on my own anyways.
I have a few friends where I live but I have a hard time talking to them about all this. I don’t want to be a downer all the time and alienate them by talking about my messy life, and I don’t want to get into it too much and turn into a hysterical crying girl. And they all have really happy lives right now, partners who really love them, and all sorts of exciting stuff going. No one seems to really understand how being so close to having children and having that taken away has really shattered me. And then losing DP too?
I know rationally that maybe I will meet someone else and have a fantastic life. But I don’t really want that. I want my life back. I am trying so very hard to move forward with hope and gratitude for all that I have, but I am just.so.incredibly.lost. I can’t even think about what’s going on too much because I don’t know how to manage that huge horrible darkness alone. I’m just walking through in dreamland hoping to wake up and have it be better, and taking rescue remedy when I can’t stop crying at work. Spring is my favourite season and I don’t know how to face the beauty of it without my DP to share it with.
How do I do this, mamas?
Everything in my life is falling apart and I don’t feel like I have the skills I need to get through it.
Brief version of the saga:
My partner of 13 years (my only partner ever) is leaving me, or trying to leave me. DP is living with someone new, only coming home to our house every few weeks. The new partner is really controlling, but DP says that his heart is with this new person regardless. We are both very sad – he is sad that I am hurting so much, I am sad that he is not wanting to be my partner – but DP still wants to be with this woman.
This time last year we were starting to TTC. Then DP said no and pushed our life together away more and more (DP was seeing this other woman before – we used to have an open relationship but DP has decided against it now, and just wants to be with this woman). We started couples therapy (we’re still going) but there’s no progress made towards being ‘together’ any more. It’s something that I want, but that DP doesn’t – he wants to, if anything, find a just and kind way of stepping back from me. It seems to be a struggle for DP just to spend time with me at all. I never know when the next time we’re going to spend time together is, and if I ask, DP says the pressure is too much and that maybe we shouldn’t see each other at all. I know that he misses me, our home, our cat, but still he won’t come back to stay for longer than a few hours.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I’m losing everything – the only person I’ve ever loved, who I still love very much, who I still want to spend my life with. My dream of having a family, which was so close to happening. My relationship with DP’s awesome family. All of everything that for years we’ve talked about doing together. I don’t want this to be happening.
I don’t know how to tell my family this is going on. We’re not super-close, but eventually I’ll have to tell them. They will be sad and likely judgemental. I’m internalizing that judgement (about failed relationships) but I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to afford a house on my own. I don’t want a house on my own anyways.
I have a few friends where I live but I have a hard time talking to them about all this. I don’t want to be a downer all the time and alienate them by talking about my messy life, and I don’t want to get into it too much and turn into a hysterical crying girl. And they all have really happy lives right now, partners who really love them, and all sorts of exciting stuff going. No one seems to really understand how being so close to having children and having that taken away has really shattered me. And then losing DP too?
I know rationally that maybe I will meet someone else and have a fantastic life. But I don’t really want that. I want my life back. I am trying so very hard to move forward with hope and gratitude for all that I have, but I am just.so.incredibly.lost. I can’t even think about what’s going on too much because I don’t know how to manage that huge horrible darkness alone. I’m just walking through in dreamland hoping to wake up and have it be better, and taking rescue remedy when I can’t stop crying at work. Spring is my favourite season and I don’t know how to face the beauty of it without my DP to share it with.
How do I do this, mamas?
You sound so sad and pained. You will find some peace. Time does heal some wounds. 
