Offensive "compliments" - Page 2

[JFTB1177]

Originally Posted by Pearl H

Maybe she meant. "He's so cute. (Separate thought) He doesn't look black at all." Which would be less offensive. Maybe you were being over-sensitive. I'm really sensitive to any mention of my baby's race. I get this "offensive compliment" a lot: "Oh! Half-Asian, half-white babies are the cutest!" Offensive to me.

It's a possibility! But I don't know... she is super sweet but also a person who just says what she thinks. I do think I am over-sensitive though, it's hard not to be, you know?

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by Owen'nZoe

And I'm not saying this is the case for you, but sometimes I think we read into these sorts of comments because of our own hangups. In my case, when people comment on how different my two children look (which is true, and I can't blame them for commenting) I always worry that they'll wrongly assume that my white-looking child can't possibly be my husbands, and that I must have had an affair. It makes me feel really defensive even though it shouldn't.

Honestly that's not even necessarily a race issue. DH and I are both primarily caucasion. We're both on the paler side, and both have dark hair. BOTH of our children are blonde as can be! Now, DH was blonde as a child, and there's definitely a line of blonde Dutch on my side. When we all go out together we definitely get the looks. Either people seem to be thinking that I was sleeping with the mailman or that DH is a stepdad. It doesn't help that both kids tend to favor my side in the obvious features. I've even had people ask me if DH was the kids father! So yeah, I totally get being defensive about it!

[physmom]

I have to agree with PP in that there's a good chance that they were probably two separate comments but worded pretty badly!!

Just from experience, most people assume that if there is one white parent and another of some other ethnic background that the other ethnic background will dominate the child's feature (I actually had a friend who specifically wanted to marry a white guy so that her kid's would end up looking just like her ). So if something to the contrary happens people are genuinely shocked.

For instance, DD is the spitting image of DH (I'm white and he's a mix of just about everything except for Asian). We even joke that's it's a good thing that I didn't have a c-section because I saw her come out of me. Despite that I get comments ALL THE TIME about how DD looks "just like me". Umm.. no. But that's ok! I really think people are just saying that to be nice or because it's clear that she's mixed and they feel bad that my looks probably won't be passed on or (and this is probably also very likely) she has a lot of my mannerisms. Or maybe they just need glasses!

FWIW I think anybody would be absolutely crazy not to see the resemblance in your sons with your DH. They look a lot like him!!!

[princessaurora]

No advice, I just wanted to say that I worry about this all the time, since I'm white, and DH is black. I think that when we have a child, people may think I'm not the mother if she/he is very dark, or vice versa.

[christophersmom]

I am hoping she didn't mean anything by it. Probably not. I know even with a biracial son, I get surprised with the shade variations and me/my friends talk about it very openly. I commented in the store about a little black boys blond hair, I just loved it and it was so cute. Both parents were light and you could tell they were mom and dad and I honestly didn't mean anythign racist about it, but I am sure they get really tired of the comments about their boy's blond hair.

[Jaesun's Dad]

Originally Posted by Pearl H

I get this "offensive compliment" a lot: "Oh! Half-Asian, half-white babies are the cutest!" Offensive to me.

I'm not really offended by it but about half the (mostly white) people seem to feel inclined to make this comment.

[gardenmommy]

Nothing to add, except that I think your kids are awfully darned cute! I think I'd add them to my crew any old day! Love love love their smiles and curls! Sweet picture!

[mama2toomany]

My little brothers are all half black, beautiful kids growing up, looked a LOT like your babies.

Anyways I would get it all the time as a kid when ppl would say, "well they are not your real brothers". Um we have the same mother, I take care of them i love them, they are my brothers.

I remember taking them to the park when I was younger, (about 18), and another neighbor of my moms was there and said something like "Well at least they look more Mexican, then black". I remember feeling really helpless, and kinda paralyzed with anger, I kicked myself the whole way home for not ripping into her.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad

Originally Posted by Pearl H

I get this "offensive compliment" a lot: "Oh! Half-Asian, half-white babies are the cutest!" Offensive to me.

I'm not really offended by it but about half the (mostly white) people seem to feel inclined to make this comment.

I don't find it offensive either. Actually I'm having a little difficulty understanding why it's something worth getting offended about?

Implying that it's better to look whiter, that's kind of offensive (although I'm not certain that's what was going on in the OP either). But just saying mixed babies are cute? I don't have any kind of issue with that.

[mama2toomany]

Originally Posted by mambera

I don't find it offensive either. Actually I'm having a little difficulty understanding why it's something worth getting offended about?

Implying that it's better to look whiter, that's kind of offensive (although I'm not certain that's what was going on in the OP either). But just saying mixed babies are cute? I don't have any kind of issue with that.

Me either.. I always loved it when people would coo over my brothers and say things like "mixed babies are so beautiful!" I agree they are, I also think all babies are beautiful lol.

Its when people comment in the negative that really get my goat. Its like they slap you and smile at the same time. its weird and uncomfortable.

[maptome]

Originally Posted by mambera

I don't find it offensive either. Actually I'm having a little difficulty understanding why it's something worth getting offended about?

Implying that it's better to look whiter, that's kind of offensive (although I'm not certain that's what was going on in the OP either). But just saying mixed babies are cute? I don't have any kind of issue with that.

I find it pretty racist to say that any race is cute. The inference is that there is a race that is less cute. As you can guess, I think that race is a social construct...Even the idea of "mixed" infers the opposite, ... pure? Don't mean to hijack. =)

[peaceful_mama]

i've had people tell me it's good they don't "look really african".

I've actually gotten more nasty comments on going on to have a third after the first two, there are people I'm not even going to tell about the 4th until the absolute last possible moment. (These are people who know full well my intention was always to have 4. Yes, my timing is a little off from what I had ideally planned out in my head, but I am happy.)

[marsupial-mom]

Yes!
FS1-I've been told "oh he likes to dance! Well that makes sense, blacks are good dancers."
FS2-A number of people say that he looks Indian (he's AA) and that he's got nice hair. They intend to be nice, but its still offensive. Now I leave it curly so people aren't as likely to ponder his ethnicity aloud in front of us.

[amma_mama]

I would give the benefit of the doubt that it was two unconnected thoughts that just came out poorly.

I think that, in general, people are more curious of how a mixed baby will "turn out" in terms of features than in the case of same race/ethnicity parents. Just a magnification of the normal wonder and observations about whose eyes, whose nose, whose whatever the chiild has. I am caucasian and DH is South Asian, so we wondered about it ourselves before DD was born. Like a PP said, it is sometimes reflected in "surprise" that a child did not "turn out" as expected (as if mixing a can of paints) which is more a reflection of ignorance about genetics than racism. While there are definitely racist people out there, I believe that most are just curious and don't express it very well.

OP, by the way, you have a beautiful family!

[torinsmom]

DS is black/white and when my sister came in right after he was born, she said "He's so PINK!" I actually thought it was funny. I think some people really believe that if you take the man and woman's skin colors and blend them, that's what the kid will look like.

My mom and dad went to a racist church and when they found out I was having a baby with a black man, they asked my mom how "black" he was. How crazy is that? I had to explain to my mom that they wanted to figure out what the baby would look like. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I have had plenty of people ask me if my son was mixed with Mexican or Native American. They are always shocked when they meet his dad. Here is a pic from when we were still married...

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y95...mom/family.jpg

And here is one now. That is his baby step sister(same dad, white mom). Both have blue eyes as well. You just never know what you're gonna get, LOL

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y95...nandlayla2.jpg

Marsha

[almadianna]

I get that a great deal. My son has blue eyes like my husband and I get, "oh he is so lucky he got his dad's eyes and hair"... um.. thanks I guess?

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by Pearl H

"Oh! Half-Asian, half-white babies are the cutest!" Offensive to me.

I agree with this one. I got it all the time growing up. Always made me kind of feel like a freak show. That always bugged me A LOT more than the "You're so exotic looking" comments.

[Peepsqueak]

I am fair like your children and have straight hair and noone would guess I was African American. We come in so many colors...LOL

Your children are precious and so are you and your hubby. Ignore the ignorant...

[Eclipsepearl]

Originally Posted by almadianna

I get that a great deal. My son has blue eyes like my husband and I get, "oh he is so lucky he got his dad's eyes and hair"... um.. thanks I guess?

I got the "You're so lucky you don't look Jewish" comments all growing up.

I even once described my sister as "more Jewish looking than I am" and the woman gasped and said "How could you say such a thing about your own sister?!?"

I'm all "My sister is very attractive. Are you implying that looking Jewish is a bad thing?"

That shut her up.

Why would the "Mexican" comment be offensive? Is it bad to look Mexican? I would have interpreted it that the children didn't look typically mixed white/AA. Nothing wrong with that!

It would be offensive for someone to comment that mixed half-siblings were not "real" siblings somehow. I met an AA coworker's daughter once. She was showing me a picture of something and she had another picture of a pretty white girl in her album. "Oh who is that?" "My sister" she said causally and moved on. I had never met her dad or seen a picture and had no idea she was mixed. I made no comment.

I wouldn't take the cute half-Asian baby comment as being offensive. While it's true that all babies are cute, it's fun seeing how mixed babies display the contrasting traits from their parents. I met a half-Vietnamese, half German girl yesterday (who had grown up in France and spoke German but not Vietnamese). Black straight hair with freckles and asian eyes. Mixed children are cute because they're a little unique. Some are a definite display of one parent or the other, others a real blend and yet others, look like something else.

A friend was AA/Native American mixed and he husband was German. Her handsome son could have been a dozen different things. I told him "Do you know how many countries you can travel to and they wont know you're a tourist? I'm curious how many languages you'll be spoken to in your lifetime..." He liked that idea!

In places like Brazil and the Caribbean, being mixed is the norm!

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by princessaurora

No advice, I just wanted to say that I worry about this all the time, since I'm white, and DH is black. I think that when we have a child, people may think I'm not the mother if she/he is very dark, or vice versa.

Apparently, when I was wee, people would stop my Mom all the time to ask her where they adopted me from as I looked nothing like her.